Struggling Again
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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Struggling Again
I learned about six weeks ago that my XAH is expecting another baby with the same girl he knocked up when we were married. The baby is due in November from what I've been told. He isn't married to this woman nor are they living together.
Meanwhile, my XAH hasn't seen our DD in 3 months. I'm struggling to wrap my mind around the reality that he keeps bringing children in this world and yet has turned his back on our daughter. He fought me for more custody in July and then stopped seeing her less than a week after the papers were signed. He left the breathalyzer option in our paperwork which states that he has to prove his sobriety before every visit. He agreed to all that in mediation. It's not like a judge told him how it had to be done.
I have been very down lately and feeling like my life is never going to feel "ok" again. Don't know if I need to talk to a doctor about depression or if I'm just feeling the grief cycle again after learning of this news.
Suggestions?
Meanwhile, my XAH hasn't seen our DD in 3 months. I'm struggling to wrap my mind around the reality that he keeps bringing children in this world and yet has turned his back on our daughter. He fought me for more custody in July and then stopped seeing her less than a week after the papers were signed. He left the breathalyzer option in our paperwork which states that he has to prove his sobriety before every visit. He agreed to all that in mediation. It's not like a judge told him how it had to be done.
I have been very down lately and feeling like my life is never going to feel "ok" again. Don't know if I need to talk to a doctor about depression or if I'm just feeling the grief cycle again after learning of this news.
Suggestions?
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 873
I'm so sorry pookielou- I know you are hurting and it sounds like a good idea to talk to your doctor.
But, I can't help but to ask what would be worse him want to see DD and under the influence giving you stress or just not at all for right now?
Please try to do something nice for you maybe a nice walk or a bath to relax.
Hugs
Pia
But, I can't help but to ask what would be worse him want to see DD and under the influence giving you stress or just not at all for right now?
Please try to do something nice for you maybe a nice walk or a bath to relax.
Hugs
Pia
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
((((hugs)))), PookieLou. I don't think that talking with your doctor would harm anything. S/he'd be able to help you determine if it is more than standard grief process.
I understand a bit of how you're feeling. It was such a huge shock to find out that AXH and I were so vastly far apart in not only HOW to parent our DS but in our commitment level to parenting.
It may take time, Pookie, but you will eventually feel OK. One day, you'll wake up and realize that the sadness and hurt has receded and you can breathe.
I understand a bit of how you're feeling. It was such a huge shock to find out that AXH and I were so vastly far apart in not only HOW to parent our DS but in our commitment level to parenting.
It may take time, Pookie, but you will eventually feel OK. One day, you'll wake up and realize that the sadness and hurt has receded and you can breathe.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
What our ex alcoholic partners do after we leave them - or they leave us - is just nothing we can understand, control, or change.
I'd suggest, if your DD is old enough to understand, to make it clear that her father doesn't see her because of HIS problems, not because she did something to make him go away. She needs to understand that she is worthy of love even if her father fails her. Otherwise, from my experience, children think that if only they were good enough, their missing parent would want them, so it must be their fault.
Sometimes it is better to have one loving caring commiting parent without the disturbing distraction of a parent who pretends to care but just really doesn't.
It took me a long time to get beyond the longing that my then AXH could have - would have - should have - been someone he just wasn't, but is much more comfortable since I have accepted that he just is who he is.
Keep the faith, you are moving in a good direction even if he isn't.
ShootingStar1
I'd suggest, if your DD is old enough to understand, to make it clear that her father doesn't see her because of HIS problems, not because she did something to make him go away. She needs to understand that she is worthy of love even if her father fails her. Otherwise, from my experience, children think that if only they were good enough, their missing parent would want them, so it must be their fault.
Sometimes it is better to have one loving caring commiting parent without the disturbing distraction of a parent who pretends to care but just really doesn't.
It took me a long time to get beyond the longing that my then AXH could have - would have - should have - been someone he just wasn't, but is much more comfortable since I have accepted that he just is who he is.
Keep the faith, you are moving in a good direction even if he isn't.
ShootingStar1
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 45
Thanks for the reassurances. I'm committed to being her parent even her dad can't or won't. I don't have to worry about what is going on when our DD is with her dad and wonder if he is sober around her or if she is being cared for. There are blessings to this, even if it's hard.
My DD turns three next week, so it's a little difficult helping her understand. But she is asking questions already.
My DD turns three next week, so it's a little difficult helping her understand. But she is asking questions already.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
DS was 3 when we left AXH. DS was so much fun at 3 (he still is), I'm sure your DD is just as amazing. 
He understood there was something going on. DS really liked the book The Brown Bottle by Penny Jones. It's a story about a caterpillar that helps to explain alcoholism to small kids. It was actually quite helpful for me, too.
He understood there was something going on. DS really liked the book The Brown Bottle by Penny Jones. It's a story about a caterpillar that helps to explain alcoholism to small kids. It was actually quite helpful for me, too.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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Thanks for the book suggestion! I would appreciate anything to assist me helping DD understand at her own level. She is so fun at this age. But yes, while she is young, she does understand that something is going on.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
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TU-we have that book, too. It's great. Stony the Pony is also a great one that helps littles understand addiction. I've spoken openly with my oldest (when she asks) about my past alcohol abuse and smoking and our family lineage on my side and my exs side destroyed by alcoholism/alcohol abuse, so she knows the truth-not just about her non existent father. Anyway, you are doing the best you can with what you have-that's all we can do. I think I posted a few days ago about having to readjust your expectations with an AXH-I've had to lower mine to almost zero and that's just the way it is-the way HE is. I now accept that. It's not my job to push him to be better or the best version of himself or even BE a good parent-he ended up hating me for doing those things while we were married. It is what it is. Peace to you today!
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