KeepinItReal

So, just came to vent and update. I haven't posted in a long time. Probably six months since we came home from Disney. We had a great trip - things were looking up - the suboxin maintenance was making him tolerable.
I'm still working on myself. Still walking and maintaining a good weight loss ( I still need to lose 50 more pounds). I just find that going through constant crap and drama in the name of recovery is tiring and old. I don't feel that i'm being nurtured in any way by a partner. I find myself wanting more. Wanting someone I can trust and really have a good time with them. It use to be my husband. He has dug a hole so deep within himself that even though he's "doing the right thing" I can't imagine really being in love with this person. Don't get me wrong. I love him - but more in a nostalgic way. I find it lacking and I find the more I seek recovery and live in recovery (6 years in August) that I pitty him. I see how hard it is for him. I know that I need to stay and support him because that's what you do when you make a commitment to someone. However, it's taking it's toll on me. I'm considering marriage counseling as he sobers up and when he gets to six months. I don't have time for an affair or to fall in love with someone else. It would be easy to do right now. It would be nice to lose myself with someone for a few nights and forget about all the seriousness. Forget about his damn recovery and what he has to do for himself. I want to be selfish and focus on making my life better. He makes my life harder. I feel resentful towards him for all the pain he causes. But, addicts like to split. It's not the person, it's the addict. Hate the addict, not the person. Yeah, but they are the same. But if I said that to him!! Who is that helping? LOL.
Of course he confides in me recently that his addiction is actually worse than what I thought. I had an idea, but what the f ever. I have stopped trying to figure out why or what he's on. I just know he wasn't acting normal and ignore him. Literally shut my door and tell him to leave me alone. Of course there was arguing but nothing like a few years ago. I don't trust him - at all - but now that he's seeking recovery again, I wonder how much help, if any I should give him. I truthfully feel that he should move out and go live at a sober living facility. Maybe it's because I just don't want to deal with him anymore. I have tried to help in the past, many many many times and am still helping. However, it always comes back to hurt me.
I feel the end is near. I find that having hope in a good turn out is really slim. I have believed in him so many times, to just be disappointed. Why would I continue to believe in him? For what reason?
I don't want to keep living in a constant state of insanity and recovery. Both are insane. Both are not satisfying my needs for a trusting intimate relationship with a grown adult.
Just venting. Thanks for reading.

overit263

Sounds like you hit your limit. I got out and don't regret it one bit - the lying was never going to stop, trust was obliterated...it's exhausting worrying that the other shoe will drop at any time. I've taken time for me - no dating, and the divorce was finalized a year ago, and it took at least a year to get that done to begin with. It's up to you to decide, but healthier is happier as far as I have learned! I still have to deal with some of it, and it makes me sad no and again...but I get over it. He is someone else's problem now and it's up to me to make a great life for myself. Hugs to you in this time of yucky feelings!

mamaof3boyz

I feel exactly the same. I'm exhausted. This is so hard and I wish a light switch would turn on in our brains and tell us what to do.

hopepraylove

IMO-the truest commitment you have is the one you have to yourself and keeping yourself happy. I'll pray for you to find peace, nothing is worth being constantly unhappy over.

overit263

It sounds like your brain is telling you what to do...it's just whether or not you're ready to get off the ride or not. Ask yourself if being alone would cause less stress, because we are supposed to detach with love. It's a hard step to take, but if you feel like the same thing is happening and it's not showing promise of getting better...maybe it's time for a change for yourself so that you can be healthy and happy.

Lily1918

This is exactly how I feel as well. Recovery is also insanity. The path to recovery is so selfish. Its just as selfish as active addiction. It isnt nearly as damaging as things getting stolen and drugs in the house blah blah blah but that does not mean that a person in recovery can meet our needs we have in a relationship.

Leftinsane

Hello everyone! I just found this blog. Well I've been insane for 13 years, 13 years of drunken binges, numerous detox centers, numerous rehabs...He at last got sober for three and a half years...I thought sanity would come but no AA took over his life and also a women in AA. Now I'm left insane from the past, violated, betrayed and with bills - yes he lied and lied the entire three years of his sobriety -
I should be grateful for now I have this horrible human out of my life. He's the other women's problem. But I its left me totally destroyed. So much time, so much effort just to be thrown out like a of nothing into the trash. JUST VENTING.

zoso77

Leftinsane...

Welcome to the Board. We're glad you're here.

When you get a chance, I encourage you to introduce yourself on your own thread, and that way we can focus on what brings you to us and how we can help.

Look forward to seeing you post again.

zoso77

That sounds like a pretty definitive statement. The question you need to answer at this point is what's your plan.

KeepinItReal

I have been trying to convince him that a sober house would be better for him. However, that's not working. He seems really insistent that we are going to work through this. Of course, that requires patience.
So, right now, i'm going to deal with the cards I dealt myself and take every day one by one. Right now he's benefiting from staying with me because without me he would have no car. He wouldn't be living with our kids, and would probably be sleeping on a couch somewhere. So, I pity him, but he has made HIS life this way. I helped him save money for a van to make money. He used that van to go deeper into his addiction and drove it while it was over heating. Then he was working to fix it (was working for a lunatic) and never fixed it. Finally we said goodbye and junked it. He quit the job because I was kicking him out if he didn't immediately get into recovery. It took about a month for him to take me seriously. I was going to go to court and get a refrain from order - which would put him in jail if he violated. A refrain from order is an order that you can live in the house with the person - but if they engage in activity (being high) You can google full scope of what it is. They go to jail. I was planning to go to court - but he chose to save himself from that fate. I was going to follow through. I have had him arrested for his own benefit in the past.
He's an irresponsible child. So - I know why i'm angry. Can he change - yes. Will he change - I don't know. He has been responsible in the past but it lasts for a year at most.
So, now I let him use my 2nd vehicle that's fully paid off. I don't feel comfortable with it - but he's using it to go to outpatient and hopefully find a job within this next month.

KeepinItReal

So, all in all - I have no plan right now. That's probably what's making me so uneasy. I just don't know what the F i'm doing right now.

overit263

My plan was to facilitate everything for myself, instead of facilitating for him anymore. It sounds like you should be helping yourself and not him anymore. It's not so scary once you realize that you've been doing the work for both of you all this time and that you should benefit instead now. Sounds like it's time to get off the ride. Just remember, you can handle this...look at all that you've handled thus far....

zoso77

So what's best for you?