PrinMel

I had everything planned out to leave ABF. I have all the costs worked out, have a place set up to go for myself and the boys, and a date to leave. I told ABF a few weeks ago that if he didnt quit drinking, i would be leaving after the christmas holidays, and that even if he did quit I may still leave, because i am done dealing with all the broken promises. I dont even love him anymore, I think i stay because its what I know, and change is so scary for me. But finally I am starting to get over that fear of the unknown.

Anyways he texts me today and tells me hes been at the doctors all day. After texting with him he finally tells me that he has prostate cancer. doesnt call me, just texts prostate cancer and no more. says he'll call me later. I'm crying; not because he has cancer, but because now I am stuck here. I want to care, but after almost 5 years of this I am all out of care for him.

I dont want to be known as the woman who left her man because he had cancer. but if I leave now, as i had planned, that is precisely what I'll be. I regret now waiting so long to leave. The new life I was starting to embrace in my head, will now not exist, not for a long time anyways....

jjj111

I'm so sorry to hear about your BF's diagnosis. Have you ever heard the recovery saying "what other people think of me is none of my business?" It seems like that saying is applicable here. Maybe it doesn't matter what other people think are your reasons for leaving? You know that your reasons are to do with alcoholism and not cancer. Maybe it's time to put your needs and your children's needs ahead of what other people think.

Mango blast

Nothing has changed. Whether he has cancer or was quacking, nothing has changed in your life. You get to choose positive actions for yourself and the boys.

Is this thought process about outward appearances and what others think, a way for this family "dis-ease" (and "ism's") of alcoholism to try to keep you down? You get to choose. You don't need to react to this right now. You can respond and deal with your own emotions when you're ready to.

Vent away! We're hear to listen.

Ally89

You will be known as the woman who put so much energy, love and care into a man that did not love himself, did not make you happy and despite this still hve it your all. This is your truth and that is all that matters. You are NOT responsible for his cancer.

This should not undo all your hard work and your decision.

I am so sorry this has happened.

Pia

Well IMOP he is a BF not a Husband you don't have the other stipulations that come with that.

Someone told me one time If I divorce my husband and he gets clean and sober we could always remarry.
Now of two things that could occur.

1) He will take this and run with it and clean himself up. .

2) Wallow continue getting messed up and making you miserable . . .

Also- Thinking about it I wouldn't believe anything unless I had solid proof from the doctor. These men lie.
My XAH told me his mother was on the verge of dying and needed a triple heart bypass, I felt like crap for awhile then I learned NOPE all a lie..

SparkleKitty

I know it is very cynical of me to bring this up, but please confirm his diagnosis before you make any decisions.

Active addicts will often go to unthinkable extremes to maintain the status quo. It would not prudent to ignore the fact that this news is coming close on the heels of you telling him you would be leaving him.

Beyond that, I want to throw out there that you don't do anyone any favors by remaining in a romantic relationship with someone you no longer love. Not him, and certainly not you. That's true regardless of his health status.

To choose unhappiness because you what other people might think is allowing fear to run your life. People who truly care for you will allow you the opportunity to explain your actions. People who are only interested in judging others are just looking to avoiding judging themselves.

Liveitwell

Oh my...I'm sorry to hear of this. IF it is true...like others have said, I'm not cynical-just real. And reality is alcoholics lie-and the depths of some lies are so great it is unbelievable, literally. I would confirm before making decisions. And not worry about what others think of YOUR truth. The truth. My gut tells me he is trying to use FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) to trap you. Just my two cents, and I sincerely hope I'm wrong (not that I wish him to have cancer! I hope you know whst I mean). Peace to you today.

Pia

I hope he doesn't have cancer

Anyways he texts me today and tells me hes been at the doctors all day. After texting with him he finally tells me that he has prostate cancer. doesnt call me, just texts prostate cancer and no more. says he'll call me later

Seriously he doesn't call to me that is red flags!!!

dandylion

Prinmel......if you all are still living together I think that you are entitled to have proof of his diagnosis. If he has cancer, he should be willing to give you documentation.
He can sign a release form at the doctor's office so that the doctor can give you the rundown as his significant other.
Ask for the cell type on the pathology report as well as the staging/ expected treatments / as well as the prognosis.
I believe that you are entitled to this information.
(I assume that he is not the biologic father of the boys...?)

dandylion

fluffyflea

Are u sure it's true?

suki44883

There have been more than a couple of stories here of the alcoholic suddenly coming down with cancer when their spouse has finally had enough. I'm not saying it isn't true in this case, but I would not automatically believe what he is telling you. I would demand proof.

Even if it is true, it doesn't really change anything. You aren't leaving him because he has cancer (if he does), you are leaving him because you don't love him anymore because of what he has put you through.

If it turns out not to be true, then it is very abusive manipulation on his part to tell such a horrible lie just to attempt to guilt you into staying.

schnappi99

I had to pause a bit to reflect on this question, maybe get out of the way of my myself.

Theres a big gap between diagnosis (and does he have a 2nd positive one) & treatment and the possibility of the end game. Catastrophizing and abandoning your exit from living with alcoholism is hasty I think. That said, maybe he is sick- perhaps there are alternatives like move out but postpone any legal or financial separation until his situation is more clear. My guess is thats probably not as complex as it could be since you're not married.

Please don't abandon your self care in the heat of the moment and go for the martyrdom. Maybe take time to consider the next right thing for you.

ladyscribbler

Color me skeptical as well. A basic Google search kind of makes me doubt his story.
How is prostate cancer diagnosed?

Even if it is true, you don't OWE this man any more of your time, energy, care, money and life that you've already devoted to this relationship. My ex husband (not an alcoholic) had colon cancer. He actually died from it a few years after we divorced. A cancer diagnosis does not magically turn a jerk into a saint. He was still the same nasty, abusive, controlling, compulsive liar he'd always been.
It's sort of funny, he used a fake cancer story to win an argument with me once, long before he was actually diagnosed. The thing is, he already had the symptoms, but he had made up a story about having malaria to explain them. Turned out it was the cancer that would eventually kill him, and unbeknownst to him, the lie he told was half true (he said it was testicular cancer, the Lance Armstrong effect I suppose).

53500

PrinMel, I agree with the skepticism of the others.

Even if he does have cancer that does not obligate you to stay. Your reasons for leaving haven't changed.

Also, and as an aside because I personally don't think you are obligated to stay no matter what his diagnosis is: prostate cancer is very treatable. My FIL got this diagnosis 7 years ago at age 80. He got good treatment, made radical changes in his diet, and while he does struggle he's doing pretty good for 87 even if he didn't have cancer.

Your abf could live quite a long time - a normal lifespan, really - even if he has prostate cancer. He could outlive you. (I'm assuming you're roughly the same age.) Please don't give up the new life you were looking forward to to stay with a man you don't love.

theuncertainty

I was one of those. AXH not only lied when he told me he had testicular cancer, but he pretended to have treatment scheduled on the day our 3yo DS underwent surgery, and he told a mutual friend the same (so the friend would unknowingly corroborate his story).

Suki and others have hit the nail on the head with the fact that him having cancer (if he does) doesn't change anything, because it's not related to the reason you are leaving. And should he be lying about it, all the more reason to leave, because that shows such a depth of manipulative control it's almost unfathomable.

No one can tell you that you have to stay. However, no one can tell you that you have to go, either. The choice is ultimately yours. It sucks and it's hard. I refused to go back even thinking AXH had cancer, but there were other issues at work with us. Wishing you strength, PrinMel. ((((hugs))))

atalose

Unless you allow yourself to get sucked into this dramatic chapter of the alcoholic/addicts life you will be known as……………..

The strong and courageous woman who left an unhealthy relationship with an alcoholic/addict whose mental illness grew to the point of him using cancer as a manipulative tool to keep me as his hostage.

Keep moving forward, stick to your plan.

hopepraylove

PrinMel,

I just wanted to briefly say I understand what you are going through.

My ex boyfriend (recovering addict) relapsed and tried to kill himself. I left him; not because he tried to kill himself, but because I had set the boundary that if he did relapse again and did not come clean about it-I would leave.

And so I did. And it hurt, and was hard. He spewed hate at me for leaving "after he tried to die," but I had to. I had to do what was best for me, I had to put me first, take care of myself.

I hope you do the same.

tomsteve

heres a perspective from someone given similar ultimatums:
dont believe a dam thing as it reads like sick arse crap i did after an ultimatum.

cancer or not, get out.
he's been takin you down with him and is tryin hard to keep doing it-trying to keep his hostage.
dont allow yourself to be his hostage any more.

FeelingGreat

Hi Prin
Prostate cancer isn't like lung cancer. Sometimes they don't treat it at all, just watch it, sometimes they operate. More will be revealed, but unless it's spread to the rest of the body, chances are he'll just carry on as usual. I certainly wouldn't change my plans because of it.