MidnightBlue

Hi, friends)

So, five days ago I celebrated my 3 years milestone. And about 2 weeks before I started to think about what I achieved and what yet to be done (and the second list is biiiiig).

This year hasn't been easy for me, to say the least. Lots of worries and emotional pain. And as much as I hate it (emotional pain) I feel like I am kind of addicted to this.

I mean - I just don't know the other way to live. All my life has been riddled with pain to one extent or another - sometimes diving into delusional recession just to peak again and, contrary to natural laws of highs and lows, to reside there, sometimes for years.

I don't know how to feel I deserve something good other than it to be compensation for me going through pain. To rephrase a popular motto - "no pain, no..any good thing".

I also think I still use "mild pain" as "protection" from "possible-acute-unbearable-pain that will come if I so much dare to be so arrogant that to believe I can get my proverbial candy without being given a ruthless "flogging" before. If there is no one around to perform a ritual, I will find a way to do it myself. I will find a way to push the "right" button to trigger self-destruction.

And after pain, it feel like "well deserved pleasure" to relax, got lost in my dreams while "sacrifices" are made and some strange gods' appetite is satisfied for a while.

I am well aware of the most of reasons that stand behind this addiction. And, unfortunately, they are not the type I can go cold turkey from.

But I am not the kind that gives up that easy too. I am pretty sick of taking a shift of some miserable Atlant sentenced to shoulder dilapidated building covered with mold and densely inhabited by ghosts. And instead of saying "*****you all and shrug it off I keep obediently crooking under the useless burden.

Where to begin? I don't know yet. This weekend I got a cold right on Friday and spent all the weekend feeling miserable and full of pity to myself. Recently I've been almost constantly recovering from one health-related issue or another, and it wasn't necessary at all.

Luckily, I feel better enough today to make it to work, but still not great. So, temptation to plunge back to "I don't care about anything" mode is high. Plus I am just plain tired.

But I need to get rid of this last addiction. Just like 3 years ago I decided that "it was enough" about alcohol .

Thank you all for listening and being there.

It's so super great to have a place where one can go, share feelings and bring pain to light.

Have a great week, everyone)

Fabat50

What addiction are you referring to? I don't understand your post.... (sorry!)

Soberwolf

You are amazing Midnight I hope you know that

MidnightBlue

Fabat, sorry - probably I haven't put my issue clear enough. I think this article somewhat describes it in a general way
Are You an Emotional Pain Junkie? - California Psychics Blog California Psychics Blog

Fabat50

OK. I read the article then re read your post and now I get it! Very interesting.. I am new here so have not yet read any of your previous posts but I can really relate to the article. I was finally diagnosed as bipolar around 12 years ago and the guilt and repeat buttons are an inherent part of who I am and how I function. 12 years of counselling and I still haven't found a way to switch them off. Other than by getting very drunk all the time.

Anna

Have you read "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle? He devotes a lot of his book to emotional pain and those who are caught up in it. It helped me a lot.

MidnightBlue

Thank you, Anna. I've ready it - actually after I saw it on some other thread where you recommended it)

It helped me a lot too, I think it's just not kind of "aha" kind of moment - it takes time, and , probably, some action. At least in my case just realizing what's going on is not enough.

PurpleKnight

Fantastic Midnight!!

MidnightBlue

Ok. Today is my Day 1. I have no plan and it's always tricky with emotional stuff. But I am serious here.
It's morning at my place and in 10 minutes I have to start off for work (where I am not allowed to use internet for personal matters). And in a minute I will be rushing around..

So.....Where to begin? Where to begin? I don't want to delay my first step for tomorrow.



Enstein said something like "you can live like nothing is miracle, or like everything is miracle". So, my assignment for today - to find 3 miracles in ordinary things and try to really feel it. I can do it logically, no problem. But how to ignite my heart? That's the question.

See you all later.

MidnightBlue

So, as I thought to find 3 miracles was at the same time easy, and hard.

Logically I can dwell upon my body doing billion mind-blowing processes in a split second. Or sky is a time machine with some stars which still shine as I see them but probably don't exist any more. And so on, and so far.

But I feel desensetized to it. It doesn't excite me. I still want my pain. Or rather my circle pain-reward.

I've been looking for "appealing miracles" all day long - nothing rings the bell.

Then I am on the train back from dentist appointment. It's late, I am tired. And the previous train was cancelled, and...And then I see a girl who is standing some couple of meters away from me and eating bagel. For me she could just as well eat a piece of plastic - I am not tempted by anything like this any more.

And that's me, who had a sweet tooth and soft spot for any kind of pastry and the kind all my life. Until about 2,5 years ago I traced in my relationships with sugar and flour a pattern similar to that with wine.

So I declared a war to those substances too. Honestly I never believed I could do without my favorite chocolate, candies, cookies, etc., etc..

Ah.. I can't say that some magical light illuminated inside me at this thought, but something emotionally touched me. This miraculous ability of the brain to change. Little by little, and make impossible possible, and used to be "normal and acceptable" unacceptable any longer.

So, it gives me how I will end my dependence to emotional pain too. That "if it doesn't hurt, than it's a false life" will be taken as it deserves to - like BS. And constant presence of pain will be no more my denominator of "stability" in life.

Dee74

Hi MB

I don't know if I was addicted to pain but I found it comfortable, for sure.

The more I grew and the more I loved myself, the more my self esteem grew and the old way of looking at things seems to fit less and less.

I'm proud of you for tackling this now - you go girl

D

trachemys

Keep going, Midnight! Somewhere there's a balance between the bacchanalian and the ascetic.

MidnightBlue

Thank you, guys)

So, having my coffee, ready to rush around into Day 2 .

My plan for today - keep looking for miracles in ordinary things, and precisely for those who open up my emotional response to this rather than just logical pack of facts.

And I am adding another step - to change one tiny habit that causes pain. Which one? I will think over on my way to work - have to hurry.

Yesterday I turned down temptation to follow my long-term habit of watching tv before going to sleep. It kind of helps me with anxiety and keep my obsessive worrisome thoughts at bay - it seems like when my mind is not occupied with some task gates to all the BS from the past get wide open and it's flooding like Augean stables. And that's the way I wake up - up to my neck in emotional ******.

Yesterday my logic screamed "Noooooo". YOu are tired, sleepy, TV will irritate you and keep you awake, and you will feel like crap in the morning". And my habit-formed part was like "But we've been doing this for soooo long. It's what we do (is it?). Change? Danger!!". Calm down here, buddy. Chances are our habits will kill us faster than a proverbial predator hiding somewhere in the bushes.

So I didn't turn on TV and feel asleep.

This little nasty habits would be among my starting points - because they are easy to overlook, neglect and wrongly perceive as second nature.

Ok. Have to hurry up. Another habit needs to be changed - stop rushing around in the morning.

See you later.

Soberwolf

You are very inspirational Midnight

MidnightBlue

Starting my Day 3.

And today is my goal is looking for "productive pain", i.e. doing at least one thing I am afraid of. One step at a time - when another painful thought from the past/related to past patterns emerge - to find a way to replace it with some action. Do something that I've been postponing because of fear and thus it's become a source of "chronic" emotional pain.

See you)

Soberwolf

Have a great day

teatreeoil007

I've never heard of this kind of addiction before so thanks for educating us.

trachemys

No, really. I love you.

MidnightBlue

I love you too, Trach)

Yesterday I make a tiny move out of my comfort zone, and it felt good.

Also I opted for some easy steps to put unnecessary pain-free foundation - nutrition free of anything that can trigger mood fluctuations, finally a boxing workout in the evening to boost my endorphines, and no TV before bed.

I can't say I feel like moving mountains and conquering the world now (yet), but surely not like crap.

So, my plan for Day 4:

- Keep looking for miracles in ordinary things;
- Keep doing at least one thing that scared me and pushes out of comfort zone;
- Identify one most persisting negative thought from the past, write it down.

Have a good day, all. See you later.

Soberwolf