keeppushing

I so need it right now. Everyday I wake up. I swear to abstinence. I review my plan and what might have gone wrong and adjust as needed. At 3pm the cravings start. At 4pm the urges start. Read the forums. Read the letters to myself. Talk to my support. At 6pm I go for drinks.

I am mentally and emotionally exhausted. I'm just going through the motions. A man stuck down a well, scrabbling to get out and always failing. I don't know how to stop drinking. I don't know how to start sobriety. I am stuck in no-man's land praying for salvation. I swear to God, I think just taking the blue pill and giving up might be easier. I'm almost waiting for a basket to get lowered from the ceiling and a monotone voice instruct me "It puts the lotion in the basket."

Does just trying to stop assuage my guilt so that I can continue drinking? I made my detailed plan, I am sticking to it, we are all winners just for trying. Look, you started at 6:10pm today, not 6pm so that is progress. You had 12 units instead of 14, that is huge, don't beat yourself up. You actually remembered everything that you did last night, that's great! No calls/emails after you started, come on you are in complete control of what you're doing!

What breaks my heart, it really does, is that I know the responses to my post (if you ever read the length of it). Those that will ask me what my new plan is and what I am going to do about it. Those that will empathise with similar stories from their past. Those that will reach out with compassion and those cute hugging circles dances. I love you all for it and it means a lot feeling not alone. I just don't know how to integrate the advice in my life.

I'm not drinking right now, it's 4:45pm. But I'm crying my eyes out. I know that by 6pm I will be drinking and I fear it no different than how petrified I was knowing the playground bully was targeting me. Yet unlike the bully I hid from, I am purposefully walking to my adult punishment.

I have never given up before, I don't understand what's wrong here. I don't understand why I'm even writing this, I'm just wasting your time.

KP

Soberwolf

Your not wasting anyone's time your finding it hard to stop drinking we all found it hard you won't hear of easy stories

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ful-links.html

doggonecarl

If you can't even push past the urges to get one day sober, maybe you need to remove yourself from the ability to get alcohol.

Rehab.

ScottFromWI

Have you considered going to a meeting ( AA or otherwise ) instead of going to get alcohol?

Cravings are simply thoughts...ultimately you make a conscious choice to procure alcohol and consume it. It sounds like you are doing a lot of bargaining with yourself too about drinking less or still attempting to control your drinking. You'll never be able to do that if you are an alcoholic, you'll need to accept unconditionally that taking the first drink is NEVER an option for you.

Ask Carl mentioned, some of us need to be physically removed from the possibility of drinking at first. Don't rule out detox and rehab - it could save your life.

sva777

I have been there, it is so hard to quiet that voice down, took me years. I will say this, it gets easier to ignore and eventually almost completely goes away the longer I have been sober. I agree maybe supervised detox is the right way to start.

PurpleKnight

The question is not what the plan is, the question is what is the plan at 6pm?!!

You only have to make it to bedtime, just this once, tomorrow can worry about itself, but from 6pm to bedtime today, keep things simple!!

Write a to do list, whether it be something productive like household chores, sorting out old bank statements, or simply watching an old box set, a few hours of online games, I used to break my hours up into 4x15min online scrabble games, and every time I'd beat someone I knew I was 15mins closer to bedtime.

You can do this, make that list and go line by line through it, get an alternative drink, whether it be a teapot of green tea, some soda, or some flavoured water, and remember SR is here 24/7!!

Ruby2

You have to just get through the pain. And it is painful in the beginning. Despite all the shame and pain the next day, I always reached for that drink to cope at witching hour, thinking "tomorrow will be different, I'll be able to do it tomorrow." But I couldn't. I ended by checking myself into detox followed by two weeks of inpatient rehab. You may have to consider this option.

OpenTuning

Okay, maybe walk us through this. It was 4:45pm when you wrote that. You said you were crying because you didn't want to drink. But at 6pm you'd be drinking. What active, physical steps do you have to make to get those drinks? Is there booze in your house? Do you have to walk to a shop to buy some? Do you put on a coat to go out to a bar? Every one of those ways to drink involve you making decisions now, while you're still sober. While you still don't want to drink. And with every one of those you can make a different decision. Booze in the house? Pour it down the sink. Now. You need to go out to get it? Stay inside and put on a DVD instead. Or if you go out, walk to an AA meeting instead of the bar. Or go to the gym. Or go to a movie. Choices, and more choices. A lot of options instead of drinking. How badly do you want to do this? You know where that voice telling you to drink comes from. You know it's the inner, primitive part of your brain. And you know you don't have to listen to it. Of course it isn't easy at first. But you have a choice. You. Have. A. Choice.

Nonsensical

That sentence only makes sense to an alcoholic.

Because, of course you know how to NOT drink. You just don't pour it in your mouth.

What you are really saying is that you don't know how to get through the discomfort of not drinking when you really really want to.

This little exercise helped me:
Get out a piece of paper and pen. Write down the 5 worst things that will happen to you as a direct result of not drinking today. Do it.

It helped me get my head out of the mental rut of I need to drink, I need to drink, oh my God I need to drink and got me thinking more logically about how much discomfort I was actually in, and how much of that I could stand.

Best of Luck on Your Journey.

keeppushing

No booze in the house. I'd have to go alone. Cut out my single drinking buddy. So I went out into the garden and started walking laps. I'm overweight, so I'd need to sit down every few laps to take a break. I started at 5:30pm. I stopped at 6:30pm. It is now 9:30pm. It worked! I'll try that again tomorrow. Thanks.

keeppushing

Thanks, I'll try that along with my laps tomorrow.

ScottFromWI

That's great news Keeppushing. It's also a clear indicator that you have the power inside you do to this....just keep asking for help when you need it.

Soberwolf

Your doing great bud