Veronica

I think I did something I shouldn't have... my AH moved out this weekend - he's desperate to get sober, but hasn't quite gotten there yet. He's had bouts of sobriety, but nothing lasting (except the 28 days he was in patient and the 12 days after he got out!). I think he parents are a HUGE part of why he drinks - he's an only child and they basically ignore him (cancel plans, show up late, only talk to him on the phone when he calls them, the only plans that are made are when he calls - sometimes begs - them to get together...).

Anyway, my husband's aunt is a genuinely caring person and loves my husband a lot. I called her last night and gave her a short version of what has been going on (my husband told his uncle that he was an alcoholic, so I wasn't intending to break any confidences) and I asked her to fill in for my husband's mom in the support area - calling him and offering her support, like a mother should. She was more than eager to help out! Now I am feeling like I over stepped my bounds. My AH doesn't know I called his aunt and his aunt isn't going to say that I called her (though I don't care if he knows). I genuinely ached for my husband last night - he had called his parents and they did not call him back (which is typical), he called me upset and started crying. I did the best thing I could by calling his aunt, but I guess I feel like I have betrayed my husband. Ugh. I was just trying to help.

Oh, and I called his mom this morning to ask her to be more supportive of her son by calling him - she could have cared less and she said she got his message and would call him today. I can't stand seeing someone my husband loves so much hurt him! I suppose it is my husband that should be standing up to his parents, but I don't think he knows how (or even realizes that his parents contribute to his drinking problem).

Thanks for listening...

ASpouse

From what I understand, he will learn how to deal with his emotional issues with his parents once he is sober. An alcoholic blames no one for his drinking, only himself.

You cannot blame his parents. He needs to understand his problem and decide to drink or not to drink.

Placing blame gets everyone nowhere, just spinning their wheels and staying in the same spot and digging the hole deeper and deeper.

I think it was fine for you to call his aunt and ask her for support. If she doesn't give it, or doesn't know how to give it you can't blame her. When my husband decided to go to rehab and go to AA, I got no support at all especially from his family and boy was I A N G R Y! I hated them all to "not care, to not bother to ask about me". I eventually let go of this anger and realized this is just the way they are, I wasn't going to change them.

This disease is a personal thing, something that alcoholics/abusers need to go through on their own, sort of like a re-birth.

Why did he move out? Where did he go?

Sandy Marie

Hi Veronica,
I've been in your place many times. I learned that it's better to keep my mouth shut and let the chips fall where they may. As selfish as it may sound, it was for my own protection. I don't mean any disrespect though for what you did. You are the only person who can decide what's best for you and your situation. I know I just didn't like those feelings that you're having at this time. My prayers are with you at this difficult time.
Sandy

StandingStrong

As much as you wish that his parents are going to change - the fact is, they aren't going too unless they choose too.
You cannot protect your husband from them. He truly has to come to his own realization about them - and his own choices.
I know you want to do what is best for him - but sometimes protecting someone too much does more damage in the long run.
Please focus on you! Let your AH find his own way! I'm not saying to ignore him or anything like that. I'm just saying that you can't pave that path for him - just as he can't pave the path for you.

givingup

Caught up in the craziness, I also looked to my AH's family for support. I called them and literally begged for their help. They basically turned their backs which in turn made me more crazy and desperate. Now looking back, I can see that I was just trying in a different way to control my AH's behavior. Maybe they would be able to say the right thing, do the right thing so that he would stop drinking. But happiness is an inside job. Its a choice we all make for ourselves. No one else can make you happy. We can only share happiness. If my AH chooses to be miserable, he will be and that is his right and responsibility.

I don't think you should beat yourself up over your calls. You did what you thought was best. Letting go is so hard when you care so much. Being separated even makes it harder.