FreeOwl

The more I live in sobriety the more I think maybe I've lived with some low-level form of depression and anxiety for a long time. Maybe always....

Lately, the seasonal shift has yet again exacerbated it. I don't actually feel what I've always imagined "depressed" feels like. But I do feel melancholy, low, just kind of blah beneath my generally-optimistic outlook.

I've long learned to be Grateful and to embrace Joyfulness. I have acceptance and exercise and friendship and Love.....

Yet also there is something amiss and I have a constant flow of chronic stress and I feel socially anxious in varying degrees. I have lived in quiet seclusion with certain symptoms that I seldom speak of to anyone apart from a therapist or occasionally a trusted friend.

I'm not sequestered to my home, paralyzed to go out. I don't have suicidal thoughts or feelings of worthlessness..... I don't have any of the "big" sympotms that would seem to make it obvious. Yet I have a pretty consistent struggle with feeling "good enough" in many situations, with feeling just slightly fearful of generalized and implacable doom which might arrive sometime. I experience marked ups and downs in my libido and sexual performance that seem directly-related to my feelings of wellness and comfort and relaxation versus stress and which clearly plague me worse in fall and winter than in summer. I have a general sense of "there is something more" - even when I feel like I have things pretty good and I am fortunate and thankful.

Am I depressed? Is this anxiety? Did these always underpin my addiction struggles? Was I always medicating? Will I always just have to live with this? Will it get better? Will it get worse?

Ahh.... this is my sunny Sunday morning mindstorm. This is the chatter I live with but seldom get to talk about. I sat on the sofa with my Lady and shared it today..... after spending some time researching SAD and SAD lights. After spending some time wondering whether I have adrenal or pituitary or testosterone imbalance. After reflecting on my life's years that I could remember and trying to see a pattern.

I generally believe it will all be OK. Yet I also often feel like I'd like it to be "More OK" right now......

Anyway - thought I'd share as much to hear from others as to offer to others who might similarly struggle, the message "you're not alone".

Happy SoberSunday.

trachemys

All we ever did was mask our feelings with booze.

JD

Hello freeowl. I've suffered from depression since I was a teen. I know a lot of my drinking was to medicate the depression. I've tried just about every anti-depressant out there with mixed success. Of course I was drinking the whole time also so probably didn't really give them a chance to work. You might talk to your dr about depression and maybe try an ad if that's indicated. They take a number of weeks to kick in.

I haven't been on an ad for almost a year now. I'm using some mindfull techniques to try and catch the negative thoughts and just observe them before they become obsessive. The thoughts are always irrational and generally revolve around feelings of inadequacies. Sundays are particularly bad for me as a start thinking about work. Again I use some mindfullness to bring myself back to the present and stop the ruminating.

This sort of works for me. I'm not the happiest person out there but certainly functional. Getting off the booze is helping but I don't expect it to cure my problem. But it will certainly give me the chance to work on the depression.

Sorry I couldn't be of more help.

FreeOwl

it's helpful to hear others' experience and to know that it's not just me... that I'm not 'broken' because of it.

I would prefer not to use an anti-depressant if possible. Honestly, it doesn't really feel like I my issues are severe enough that I'd be willing to accept other side effects or new complications. I do think that a combination of more focused, consistent mindfulness, exercise, perhaps the right dietary and supplement adjustments and therapy are probably sufficient. Most of the year it's pretty much OK, and the most frustrating symptoms are social anxieties or stress. But for two years now, when Fall arrives, there is the addition of a sense of sadness and a heightened anxiety combined with sudden-onset libido challenges. Literally like a 'light switch' has been flipped. I'm going to have some bloodwork done and get a doctor's help evaluating what's going on and am going to try some non-drug therapy alternatives to see what unfolds.

Thank you for sharing.

dwtbd

At its most benign, it almost feels like a 'hump' that you just quite 'get over'. SAD like things do not make it any easier.

trachemys

You aren't broken. Tell yourself that daily, hourly , whenever needed.

asdf72

Hi Free Owl, you are definitely not alone and so many of us struggle to put that smile on our faces every day. I am prone to melancholy and mild depression and i think my children saved me for a time but now that i am nearing having an empty nest i have great anxiety over how to manage everyday life, and i think this is in part to why i had started drinking too much this past year. It's hard for me to be an optimist, i feel out of place in the world. I live in a developing country and there is so much sadness to witness everyday, it cant be unseen and sometimes i actually feel offended when people see the glass half full. Hopefully i can find a more peaceful internal place and hoping my sobriety will help in some way. I do appreciate beauty and feel joy everyday but as you say i also feel this "constant flow of chronic stress", i'm always waiting for the next bad thing to happen, the next huge unforseen bill that has to be paid, the next illness to happen.I guess its a balancing act and on any given day our external and internal influences are in flux, including our sleeping and eating patterns, the weather as you say, whats going on with loved ones, job etc etc. Hopefully your doctor will help in evaluating anything way out of balance and help find some peace for you.

Soberwolf

We all get crappy days but good on the realisation of depression & anxiety

Speak to a Dr about possible therapy if you feel it worsening FO

SoberInCLE

A creative outlet may help too. I just started this excercise called morning pages. Every morning you get up and write long-hand three pages. Just write whatever comes into your mind. It is your stream of consciousness that you write down. Don't go back and correct yourself. And don't read for what your wrote for at least a few weeks.

Soberpotamus

I suffer depression regularly, FreeOwl. I think Trach is right, that we masked these symptoms with alcohol, and so now we're feeling them full force. One thing though, mine seems to get better each year. Not sure if that means it's circumstantial or if I'm just learning to adjustment and deal better with it?

Nope, you aren't alone in this. I've posted about it recently.

Talking about it helps

trachemys

What's the opposite of the rainbow unicorn butterfly kittens?

Life is never perfect.

MIRecovery

I masked all sorts of crap. The beauty of sobriety is that we now know what is wrong and have the opportunity to fix it.

I'm depressed, fear rules my life, I have a hard time effectively communicating, and I like to isolate but at least I know it and am taking steps to correct my issues

Layali

Black demon bat goblins!!

Life has those too. xD

FreeOwl, I'm glad you're looking into your symptoms with a doctor. There could be many things at play.... psychological, physical, spiritual, social, etc... so many things. A holistic approach is always good. I wish you luck with all this. It's good that you're taking care of things...

I know myself, I was covering up a lot of things by drinking. It's good to be in a place where I finally feel like I can start to tackle them all.

FreeOwl

So you're doing The Artist's Way!!

I have done that, too... and actually have planned a version of that as my activity for mornings with my new SAD light - which I have ordered today.

helpimalive

Could it in part be that you need a new challenge? Something to be excited and passionate about? You know you, but I find life is better when I've got something like that in it.

helpimalive

Hey now. I LIKE my black demon bat goblins. I take them for a fly every day. They make such adorable death screeches.

Delfin

Hi FreeOwl,
I was diagnosed with SAD a long time ago. I experience a general drop in energy and mood in the fall and it usually lasts all winter. Like you, no suicidal feelings or feelings of worthlessness. But the bad winters (in New England) have been very tough for me. I did take antidepressants for a long while, a total of about 12 years, but because I was drinking, I'm sure they weren't working very well. So this summer, after I quit drinking, I also quit my antidepressants. I felt okay all summer but can feel the onset of SAD now.

I'm thinking of trying to go without my meds for now, and will be getting a light box soon. I'm also trying to get in some exercise and cut back on the coffee and the simple carbs because that affects my energy level a lot. I'm not ruling out going back on my meds if I need to. My doctors have always pretty much allowed me do what I prefer, within reason, of course.

I guess I just wanted to share my experience; it sounds similar to yours. And fwiw, I too believe that I'll be okay.

Delfin

Della1968

I too have suffered anxiety and depression for as long as I can remember it most certainly preceded the drinking. I do take an AD now. I had always taken them while still drinking. I think they help but I still have my episodes. Just want you to know you are by no means alone.

blueberry2015

Bless you x I suffer with anxiety and what you describe sound similar, like many alcoholics a majority of us have an underlying mental health problem, im on anti-ds and well now in sobriety I feel soooooo much better! Best thing you can do is speak to your doctor and see what they say x x x

FreeOwl

Today I worked in the sunny yard with my lady on winter prep projects and got a sense of accomplishment. Went on a 7.5 mile run just now in the cool fall air with the sun shining and blue skies. A stop at the gym midway to lift weights and boost my energy and hormone levels. Right now the endorphins feel good and the energy of the day is a little more positive. I talked with my lady about all of this earlier as well.

All in all, I suppose I just need to keep focusing on sobriety and exercise and staying engaged and present. I have confidence that this will fade again in spring - and meantime I'm hoping the light I ordered will help, I'll keep eating healthy and taking vitamin D, B and omega supplements and hopefully between all that and the doctor, this year will he better.

Thank you all...