What to do now? Did I abandon him?
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Join Date: Oct 2015
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What to do now? Did I abandon him?
In order to understand the entirety of the situation I currently find myself, I have to back track a bit.
Where did we go wrong?
Or was the problem not a We but a He or I.
We met while working together and began dating. I had just graduated from college. He is a year old than I.
He was a breath of fresh air. Unlike previous relationships, He was a humble and steady individual. He did not try to impress me with a plethora of egocentric talents. Being with him felt like putting on one of my favorite comfy sweaters when there is a chill in the air.
I could see he had been through some hard things in life, He looked worn but his eyes still had a spark. It continued to be ideal. During this time I was applying to other jobs closer to the city. I received a job and to save money moved in with my parents, who live about thirty minutes from my new place of work. Even though we just lived an hour apart, for us newly in love it was just too far(cliche' i know). I think this is apart of our current problem. If we had just listened and did what was recommended which was to take things a little slower, date a little longer, we might have made it through the worst.
But we wanted to live together and found a place in between both of our work.
I was very happy and so was he. This was the first real home he had ever had. He came from a situation of abuse and neglect, only to continue moving further and further into dysfunction with partners.
It was because of these hardships that drove him to drinking at a young age. He told me these things about his life, it only made me love him more. He had depth.
I felt very safe with him, I could finally let someone into my heart and I could let go of my fear of being hurt.
My past was much less traumatic than his but I did have some things that caused scars. I still to this day continue to live with what feels like crippling anxiety even with medication. But he understood that he was on medication for anxiety as well.......
Well things got a little more tricky, as I am sure many people tried to warn us about. When you combine two lives together there will be bumps in the road, but our main problem was the finances. I was making a little more money that he was so I began to pay for many more things, and he was always sure to pay me back. However this did sort of create an odd tension between us.
The trouble I am sure started long before this, but it was when we decided to go out on a Sunday evening to a new board game bar. I do not go to loud rowdy places, for this place just think of a Barnes and Noble that serves up booze.
I did not understand the depth of his drinking issue until that night, we never kept any alcohol in the house....just because we did not need it, we didn't drink.
But this night he proceeded to get a drink after drink to the point where he threw a bit of a fit when I refused to get him anymore, he then asked his friend for money to buy more. His voice kept raising in pitch as well. It was embarrassing, think of a quiet Barnes and Noble with a yelling drunk in the middle talking about how he had this wild itch he needed to scratch.
Here was my kind and mellow mannered partner turned into this wild yelling banshee. Luckily his friend and I only had one drink so we were able to get out before we got kicked out.
After that out burst, things went back to our normal happy little life. Until my 25th birthday.
I knew he had been worried that entire week as to what he would do for me. He was tight on money and I know the fact that he could not give me a big sha-bang was bothering him. He did some extra work and was able to give me a very thoughtful and loving gift. After we sat and ate my birthday cake I took a shower and we watched a movie. I fell asleep and woke up to him hammered. The night went down hill from there. He had me cornered and yelling at me, he was voicing my worst fears about myself, and telling me I was the cause of so much of his pain. The person I felt safest with and loved so desperately was telling me I had not done enough to care for him.
I decided I would leave the next morning to go to my parents. He convinced me to come back the next day though. Things went back to an odd normal with an elephant in the room, and he was extra attentive to keep things even cleaner than before......he always did most of the cleaning, it was nice and it made me feel loved.
So we continued but the pattern began and it happened again not but about 4 weeks from my birthday.
After that we decided to get help and scheduled a couples counseling appointment. It was about 3 weeks away and we both agreed that either of us would drink at all until the appointment.
Well in the course of those three weeks I run out of my anxiety medicine and began to have with-drawls. The only thing that helps with those with-drawls is a glass of wine. I told him what I planned on doing and he decided to have a glass with me. I was concerned but I am not his mother so I did not stop him. He only had one glass, no big deal.
Things were fine. I get new medication and we go back to the no drinking rule. The night before the appointment though, I come home from work and can smell beer on his breath. I ask him but he tells me no, he has had not one drink......
We go to sit down and he tells me about his day, it has been a hard one, he went to visit his parents and his mom was black out drunk. He also has been stressed with work, and yes, yes he did have a beer but only because things were so stressful.
I told him he had broken our agreement. However for him he felt that because I was able to have a drink due to my with-drawls he was able to soothe his stress with one beer.
Perhaps I kept sending mixed messages. But I really could not believe what just kept happening. So the day we were supposed to go to the couples counseling I moved out.
All of this has happened within the course of seven months. Such a short time for so many changes.
He plans on getting help and finally admitted to me he is an Alcoholic. We have been talking only through the written word. I am afraid if I hear his voice I will loose all of my resolve.
But why do I regret moving out, why do I feel like I didn't give us a chance?
I feel like I abandoned him.
We both feel sick over this and I want to move back to my home......but I really can not. He has to get healthy......but should I even pursue our relationship, should I hope in having a future with him?
Will I be choosing a life of constant emotional ups and downs and in the end loosing myself.....
Or could he get better?
I want so badly just to wrap my arms around him.
I wanted to get married.
My mother believes it is doomed that if we are only seven months into it and we already had something like this happen, I need to put him out of my mind.....
I need advice from those who have gone through this.
Should I give him a second chance with my heart?
I miss him.....
what will we do?
Where did we go wrong?
Or was the problem not a We but a He or I.
We met while working together and began dating. I had just graduated from college. He is a year old than I.
He was a breath of fresh air. Unlike previous relationships, He was a humble and steady individual. He did not try to impress me with a plethora of egocentric talents. Being with him felt like putting on one of my favorite comfy sweaters when there is a chill in the air.
I could see he had been through some hard things in life, He looked worn but his eyes still had a spark. It continued to be ideal. During this time I was applying to other jobs closer to the city. I received a job and to save money moved in with my parents, who live about thirty minutes from my new place of work. Even though we just lived an hour apart, for us newly in love it was just too far(cliche' i know). I think this is apart of our current problem. If we had just listened and did what was recommended which was to take things a little slower, date a little longer, we might have made it through the worst.
But we wanted to live together and found a place in between both of our work.
I was very happy and so was he. This was the first real home he had ever had. He came from a situation of abuse and neglect, only to continue moving further and further into dysfunction with partners.
It was because of these hardships that drove him to drinking at a young age. He told me these things about his life, it only made me love him more. He had depth.
I felt very safe with him, I could finally let someone into my heart and I could let go of my fear of being hurt.
My past was much less traumatic than his but I did have some things that caused scars. I still to this day continue to live with what feels like crippling anxiety even with medication. But he understood that he was on medication for anxiety as well.......
Well things got a little more tricky, as I am sure many people tried to warn us about. When you combine two lives together there will be bumps in the road, but our main problem was the finances. I was making a little more money that he was so I began to pay for many more things, and he was always sure to pay me back. However this did sort of create an odd tension between us.
The trouble I am sure started long before this, but it was when we decided to go out on a Sunday evening to a new board game bar. I do not go to loud rowdy places, for this place just think of a Barnes and Noble that serves up booze.
I did not understand the depth of his drinking issue until that night, we never kept any alcohol in the house....just because we did not need it, we didn't drink.
But this night he proceeded to get a drink after drink to the point where he threw a bit of a fit when I refused to get him anymore, he then asked his friend for money to buy more. His voice kept raising in pitch as well. It was embarrassing, think of a quiet Barnes and Noble with a yelling drunk in the middle talking about how he had this wild itch he needed to scratch.
Here was my kind and mellow mannered partner turned into this wild yelling banshee. Luckily his friend and I only had one drink so we were able to get out before we got kicked out.
After that out burst, things went back to our normal happy little life. Until my 25th birthday.
I knew he had been worried that entire week as to what he would do for me. He was tight on money and I know the fact that he could not give me a big sha-bang was bothering him. He did some extra work and was able to give me a very thoughtful and loving gift. After we sat and ate my birthday cake I took a shower and we watched a movie. I fell asleep and woke up to him hammered. The night went down hill from there. He had me cornered and yelling at me, he was voicing my worst fears about myself, and telling me I was the cause of so much of his pain. The person I felt safest with and loved so desperately was telling me I had not done enough to care for him.
I decided I would leave the next morning to go to my parents. He convinced me to come back the next day though. Things went back to an odd normal with an elephant in the room, and he was extra attentive to keep things even cleaner than before......he always did most of the cleaning, it was nice and it made me feel loved.
So we continued but the pattern began and it happened again not but about 4 weeks from my birthday.
After that we decided to get help and scheduled a couples counseling appointment. It was about 3 weeks away and we both agreed that either of us would drink at all until the appointment.
Well in the course of those three weeks I run out of my anxiety medicine and began to have with-drawls. The only thing that helps with those with-drawls is a glass of wine. I told him what I planned on doing and he decided to have a glass with me. I was concerned but I am not his mother so I did not stop him. He only had one glass, no big deal.
Things were fine. I get new medication and we go back to the no drinking rule. The night before the appointment though, I come home from work and can smell beer on his breath. I ask him but he tells me no, he has had not one drink......
We go to sit down and he tells me about his day, it has been a hard one, he went to visit his parents and his mom was black out drunk. He also has been stressed with work, and yes, yes he did have a beer but only because things were so stressful.
I told him he had broken our agreement. However for him he felt that because I was able to have a drink due to my with-drawls he was able to soothe his stress with one beer.
Perhaps I kept sending mixed messages. But I really could not believe what just kept happening. So the day we were supposed to go to the couples counseling I moved out.
All of this has happened within the course of seven months. Such a short time for so many changes.
He plans on getting help and finally admitted to me he is an Alcoholic. We have been talking only through the written word. I am afraid if I hear his voice I will loose all of my resolve.
But why do I regret moving out, why do I feel like I didn't give us a chance?
I feel like I abandoned him.
We both feel sick over this and I want to move back to my home......but I really can not. He has to get healthy......but should I even pursue our relationship, should I hope in having a future with him?
Will I be choosing a life of constant emotional ups and downs and in the end loosing myself.....
Or could he get better?
I want so badly just to wrap my arms around him.
I wanted to get married.
My mother believes it is doomed that if we are only seven months into it and we already had something like this happen, I need to put him out of my mind.....
I need advice from those who have gone through this.
Should I give him a second chance with my heart?
I miss him.....
what will we do?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: fort wayne, IN.
Posts: 1,085
Sounds like you both have some insecurities. You won't heal each other through a romantic relationship. Neither one of you are perfect. If he admits he is an alcoholic then it might be wise for him to decide what he wants to do about it. I can say from my experience as a drunk that my relationship with alcohol took precedence over all other relationships I had. My heart belonged to my addiction and no one else. Unfortunately that did not prevent me from becoming involved with others and leading them to believe that they were first in my affections. My drinking influenced my perception of my "true feelings" as well. Healthly mature love was nowhere to be found in my drinking life.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,837
Take it from an alcoholic, he's not going to change over night, I'd honestly leave him fir a while to get himself straighten up, otherwise you're in fir one hell of a bumpy ride :-(
I know this isn't ideal, but in my experience it's true, dealing with an alcoholic is a nightmare
I know this isn't ideal, but in my experience it's true, dealing with an alcoholic is a nightmare
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by escapist 
Sounds like you both have some insecurities. You won't heal each other through a romantic relationship. Neither one of you are perfect. If he admits he is an alcoholic then it might be wise for him to decide what he wants to do about it. I can say from my experience as a drunk that my relationship with alcohol took precedence over all other relationships I had. My heart belonged to my addiction and no one else. Unfortunately that did not prevent me from becoming involved with others and leading them to believe that they were first in my affections. My drinking influenced my perception of my "true feelings" as well. Healthly mature love was nowhere to be found in my drinking life.
quat
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: terra (mostly)firma
Posts: 4,823
You did not abandon anyone, you did what you need to do to separate yourself from someone who has a problem with alcohol.
The itch that needs scratching line really resonates with me, everytime I drank I felt that itch and most times would succumb to it and try and drink "my fill". I did that for 30 + yrs, trying off and on during that time to defeat that itch but the fact that it is there is the problem. There reallyare only two options continue to drink and battle the itch and have to live with the inevitable consequences of drinking to get drunk, or quit drinking .
I hope he finds his way to this realization and makes the best choice forhimself and for you .
That itch never goes away, but the good news is it only matters if you are drinking, if you don't fuel it , it can't hurt you .
wish you well
The itch that needs scratching line really resonates with me, everytime I drank I felt that itch and most times would succumb to it and try and drink "my fill". I did that for 30 + yrs, trying off and on during that time to defeat that itch but the fact that it is there is the problem. There reallyare only two options continue to drink and battle the itch and have to live with the inevitable consequences of drinking to get drunk, or quit drinking .
I hope he finds his way to this realization and makes the best choice forhimself and for you .
That itch never goes away, but the good news is it only matters if you are drinking, if you don't fuel it , it can't hurt you .
wish you well
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 507
What a difficult situation to find yourself in, and I really feel for you. Only you can make the decision about what to do, but by reading people's stories and experiences on this site you can get a sense of the damage alcoholism can do. And how difficult it can be to recover from it. It isn't just about him saying he's an alcoholic. You would have to know he is 100% committed to putting alcohol behind him. That he wants that for himself, not just because he thinks that's what you want to hear. And even with that level of commitment it sure won't be easy with no guarantee of success.
At the same time, just about all of us have come on here because we believe recovery is possible. That there is hope. There are many examples of people on here who have rebuilt their lives with the support of loved ones.
So I guess the questions you might want to ask yourself are things like how much of your life are you prepared to invest in a relatively new relationship with so much uncertainty? Hopefully you've already seen him take his last ever drink. But how would you cope if 6 months, or a year, or 2 years down the line he's still regularly relapsing. If the incident in that bar keeps repeating itself, only getting worse each time. Read the stories of people who took 30 years to quit. Is that how you want to spend your life? Is that a chance you're prepared to take?
All I would say is this. If you decide to step away don't punish yourself for that. He has made choices in his life that weren't your fault, and you can't be blamed for not wanting to pay the price for them. You need to look after yourself first.
At the same time, just about all of us have come on here because we believe recovery is possible. That there is hope. There are many examples of people on here who have rebuilt their lives with the support of loved ones.
So I guess the questions you might want to ask yourself are things like how much of your life are you prepared to invest in a relatively new relationship with so much uncertainty? Hopefully you've already seen him take his last ever drink. But how would you cope if 6 months, or a year, or 2 years down the line he's still regularly relapsing. If the incident in that bar keeps repeating itself, only getting worse each time. Read the stories of people who took 30 years to quit. Is that how you want to spend your life? Is that a chance you're prepared to take?
All I would say is this. If you decide to step away don't punish yourself for that. He has made choices in his life that weren't your fault, and you can't be blamed for not wanting to pay the price for them. You need to look after yourself first.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
My attitude comes from a place of learning to deal with stress and helping many many people problem solve for a few decades now...
His health and your health need to take first place. You have issues with anxiety and have used a substance to cope with that. His substance to abstain from is ETOH (alcohol). So, both of you have used chemical substances to cope or treat conditions within you that need to be dealt with. In my view, Xanax is no better than ETOH. Both are legal, both are chemical substance, and using both involve choices made to use them. He's not a bad person and you are not a bad person for using substances..it's good that you both want to be clean and sober and are shooting for that before any more damage is done...
I can't see from the opening post that it is all your fault nor all his fault that things turned out the way they did. It sounds like he wasn't a nice person when he was drunk, so let's hope he has stopped and stays stopped. How motivated is he? How was he raised? Did he have a stretch of years in his life that he wasn't drinking? I wonder what caused him to start drinking like that?
Anyways, it sounds like the two of you rushed into living together too fast and that's usually not a good idea.
I think relationships that start off kind of slow where the two people take their time to really get to know each other are healthier and last longer...that's just been my experience.
Being apart from someone you love and care about is just plain hard...in fact, it might almost feel like a grieving period..I think that's only natural and not something to get stressed out about. I've been through this before and I know how it feels. For me it all comes back doing what you need to do as an individual to be healthy and whole.
The healthiest relationships are ones in which each person is happy with their self with or without having a significant other or partner. I've ALWAYS felt that way...
His health and your health need to take first place. You have issues with anxiety and have used a substance to cope with that. His substance to abstain from is ETOH (alcohol). So, both of you have used chemical substances to cope or treat conditions within you that need to be dealt with. In my view, Xanax is no better than ETOH. Both are legal, both are chemical substance, and using both involve choices made to use them. He's not a bad person and you are not a bad person for using substances..it's good that you both want to be clean and sober and are shooting for that before any more damage is done...
I can't see from the opening post that it is all your fault nor all his fault that things turned out the way they did. It sounds like he wasn't a nice person when he was drunk, so let's hope he has stopped and stays stopped. How motivated is he? How was he raised? Did he have a stretch of years in his life that he wasn't drinking? I wonder what caused him to start drinking like that?
Anyways, it sounds like the two of you rushed into living together too fast and that's usually not a good idea.
I think relationships that start off kind of slow where the two people take their time to really get to know each other are healthier and last longer...that's just been my experience.
Being apart from someone you love and care about is just plain hard...in fact, it might almost feel like a grieving period..I think that's only natural and not something to get stressed out about. I've been through this before and I know how it feels. For me it all comes back doing what you need to do as an individual to be healthy and whole.
The healthiest relationships are ones in which each person is happy with their self with or without having a significant other or partner. I've ALWAYS felt that way...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
I agree with the others who say that he needs to get sober and WELL on the road of recovery (hopefully in a programme that will help him deal with some of those painful underlying issues from growing up, such as AA).
If you do get back together, I would strongly suggest you get a support network for yourself as well - alanon has kept many a partner sane
If you do get back together, I would strongly suggest you get a support network for yourself as well - alanon has kept many a partner sane
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 56
I am so sorry to hear about your situation, but please know you are not abandoning him, you are protecting yourself as you should.
It took me 16 years to stop drinking, (I have been sober for 40 days). Every day of those 40 days, I have felt terribly guilty about what I have put my wife through during those 16 years, and I deeply wish that I could go back in time and change everything.
However, it's not too late for you, you are at a crossroads where you can make a decision to change your future. Your future could either be with or without him. I think that it is not wrong for you to choose to remove yourself from that situation. By doing that, you could be providing your boyfriend just the right motivation to stop and realize that his drinking is causing him to lose you, and that he needs to stop and seek help if he ever hopes to be with you again.
Remember, alcoholics are dealing with both a mental and physical addiction to alcohol that can't be beaten overnight, you need to stay strong for both of your sakes. If he doesn't find sobriety, then it just wasn't meant to be.
It took me 16 years to stop drinking, (I have been sober for 40 days). Every day of those 40 days, I have felt terribly guilty about what I have put my wife through during those 16 years, and I deeply wish that I could go back in time and change everything.
However, it's not too late for you, you are at a crossroads where you can make a decision to change your future. Your future could either be with or without him. I think that it is not wrong for you to choose to remove yourself from that situation. By doing that, you could be providing your boyfriend just the right motivation to stop and realize that his drinking is causing him to lose you, and that he needs to stop and seek help if he ever hopes to be with you again.
Remember, alcoholics are dealing with both a mental and physical addiction to alcohol that can't be beaten overnight, you need to stay strong for both of your sakes. If he doesn't find sobriety, then it just wasn't meant to be.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 3
Update
I want to thank you all for such great advice.
I am currently still moved out and I do not think I could move back into the house we shared.
We talked on the phone for the first time in 3 days. He seems to be on the right path. But. I also feel like he is not accepting that I have moved out for good. He has begging me not to get the rest of my things and to continue to think it through, think what through. I have moved out! When I tell him that he begins to fall to peices.
He says I have been the one to keep his head above the water. The only reason he has done as good as he has was because of me......this just does not sit well with me. It puts too much pressure on to me as his anchor. It feels like he is still looking for someone to tell him what to do.....
I am applying to out of state jobs and artist residencies. I applied to one that would be two years long. This would be ideal. Regardless. I still want him in my life, but we need time and I need my trust restored in him.
I hope we can continue. But right now I am so exhausted I feel so numb and empty.
I just continue to stare into space.....I am so unproductive. Is this what I would have to look forward to if I want him in my life?
Is my hope for a happy home too much to ask for from an alcoholic partner?
I am currently still moved out and I do not think I could move back into the house we shared.
We talked on the phone for the first time in 3 days. He seems to be on the right path. But. I also feel like he is not accepting that I have moved out for good. He has begging me not to get the rest of my things and to continue to think it through, think what through. I have moved out! When I tell him that he begins to fall to peices.
He says I have been the one to keep his head above the water. The only reason he has done as good as he has was because of me......this just does not sit well with me. It puts too much pressure on to me as his anchor. It feels like he is still looking for someone to tell him what to do.....
I am applying to out of state jobs and artist residencies. I applied to one that would be two years long. This would be ideal. Regardless. I still want him in my life, but we need time and I need my trust restored in him.
I hope we can continue. But right now I am so exhausted I feel so numb and empty.
I just continue to stare into space.....I am so unproductive. Is this what I would have to look forward to if I want him in my life?
Is my hope for a happy home too much to ask for from an alcoholic partner?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,837
Originally Posted by Fizzleout445
I want to thank you all for such great advice.
I am currently still moved out and I do not think I could move back into the house we shared.
We talked on the phone for the first time in 3 days. He seems to be on the right path. But. I also feel like he is not accepting that I have moved out for good. He has begging me not to get the rest of my things and to continue to think it through, think what through. I have moved out! When I tell him that he begins to fall to peices.
He says I have been the one to keep his head above the water. The only reason he has done as good as he has was because of me......this just does not sit well with me. It puts too much pressure on to me as his anchor. It feels like he is still looking for someone to tell him what to do.....
I am applying to out of state jobs and artist residencies. I applied to one that would be two years long. This would be ideal. Regardless. I still want him in my life, but we need time and I need my trust restored in him.
I hope we can continue. But right now I am so exhausted I feel so numb and empty.
I just continue to stare into space.....I am so unproductive. Is this what I would have to look forward to if I want him in my life?
Is my hope for a happy home too much to ask for from an alcoholic partner?
I am currently still moved out and I do not think I could move back into the house we shared.
We talked on the phone for the first time in 3 days. He seems to be on the right path. But. I also feel like he is not accepting that I have moved out for good. He has begging me not to get the rest of my things and to continue to think it through, think what through. I have moved out! When I tell him that he begins to fall to peices.
He says I have been the one to keep his head above the water. The only reason he has done as good as he has was because of me......this just does not sit well with me. It puts too much pressure on to me as his anchor. It feels like he is still looking for someone to tell him what to do.....
I am applying to out of state jobs and artist residencies. I applied to one that would be two years long. This would be ideal. Regardless. I still want him in my life, but we need time and I need my trust restored in him.
I hope we can continue. But right now I am so exhausted I feel so numb and empty.
I just continue to stare into space.....I am so unproductive. Is this what I would have to look forward to if I want him in my life?
Is my hope for a happy home too much to ask for from an alcoholic partner?
Now as the years have gone on, I'm like " deal with it, life is hard, I don't owe you anything."
I know that sounds harsh, I just got so sick of it.
Be happy, enjoy your life, you can still have him in your life, just set boundaries and don't tolerate his begging and emotional blackmail.
You only live once xoxo
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Originally Posted by Fizzleout445
Is my hope for a happy home too much to ask for from an alcoholic partner?
If he's serious about his recovery it's possible for him to turn things around, as long as he stays sober. But he's got to want this, and be willing to do what it takes. You can't do it for him. Nobody can. Learning to live sober is like learning to ride a bike - we all have to find our balance ourselves. No matter if you'd give your life for someone, it isn't possible to do it for them.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
I am assuming you are both fairly young with your lives ahead of you. Like I've posted before, the best relationships are ones in which there is simply NO RUSH...and no pressure. Remember, that you have issues with anxiety and you may feel 'pressure' over things other people don't and you may also get stressed out easily. it's certainly not healthy to obsess or ruminate over this relationship. If he is a drain on you actually do have some control over that; just don't let him get to you and don't worry about him too much. Of course you will think of him and who knows what the future holds, but for now you've got issues to work out as an individual and life is happening.
Blessed Be
Blessed Be
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