I can't live like this anymore - telling on myself
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 3
I can't live like this anymore - telling on myself
I'm so tired of hurting myself - I've been sober for about 16 hours.
I drink vodka every night for about four hours - starting the second I get home. I can't get the bottle to my mouth fast enough (literally, no glass) I take about 6-7 gulps, wait about 3-4 minutes and take three or four more.
I get started helping my son with his homework before the kick hits and manage to make him dinner. Most nights I manage to clean up, run the dishwasher make sure my son has clean clothes for the next day and then I spend the better part of the night sitting outside smoking cigarettes and texting or heaven for bid actually talking to someone on the phone (conversations I usually don't remember very much about).
I flag myself sometimes successfully, sometimes not - I know if I drink too late the tremors will be worse in the morning. I wake up multiple times throughout the night as my BAC decreases drink three or four bottles of water.
I reluctantly get out of bed in the morning, go down stairs and check my BAC to make sure I'm sober enough to drive (who does that?) ...
I get my son up fed ready for school and myself ready for work. All the while beating myself up for the shell of a person I've become and convince myself this is going to be my last day on this merry-go-round. (I'm done!)
The tremors usually dissipate by the time I get to work and stay gone till around 1:00 when there's a second wave of them they pass in about 30 minutes. At around 2:00 my determination and motivation to stay sober fade fast. If I'm gonna go secure my bottle I pretty much have to do it NOW because I don't have time to stop on the way home.
I leave the office trying to remember which liquor store I went to last so that there are no duplicates. Throw the poison in my trunk and head back to work. I can't wait to leave I cant wait to get home to start it all over again.
Today, I'm trying to do something different, this morning I poured out what remaining vodka I had (okay that's not a first) - this afternoon I did not buy any vodka and I'm reaching out to you fine folks telling on myself. I'm praying for willingness.
I'm afraid the WD symptoms which are currently manageable will abruptly take a turn for the worse. (At the moment I only have a headache, tremors are absent right now, my head feels foggy - I feel anxious but I think that's from the mental cravings not necessarily the physical WD - then again, I'm no doctor.
There you have it, I've officially ratted myself out. Thanks for reading.
I drink vodka every night for about four hours - starting the second I get home. I can't get the bottle to my mouth fast enough (literally, no glass) I take about 6-7 gulps, wait about 3-4 minutes and take three or four more.
I get started helping my son with his homework before the kick hits and manage to make him dinner. Most nights I manage to clean up, run the dishwasher make sure my son has clean clothes for the next day and then I spend the better part of the night sitting outside smoking cigarettes and texting or heaven for bid actually talking to someone on the phone (conversations I usually don't remember very much about).
I flag myself sometimes successfully, sometimes not - I know if I drink too late the tremors will be worse in the morning. I wake up multiple times throughout the night as my BAC decreases drink three or four bottles of water.
I reluctantly get out of bed in the morning, go down stairs and check my BAC to make sure I'm sober enough to drive (who does that?) ...
I get my son up fed ready for school and myself ready for work. All the while beating myself up for the shell of a person I've become and convince myself this is going to be my last day on this merry-go-round. (I'm done!)
The tremors usually dissipate by the time I get to work and stay gone till around 1:00 when there's a second wave of them they pass in about 30 minutes. At around 2:00 my determination and motivation to stay sober fade fast. If I'm gonna go secure my bottle I pretty much have to do it NOW because I don't have time to stop on the way home.
I leave the office trying to remember which liquor store I went to last so that there are no duplicates. Throw the poison in my trunk and head back to work. I can't wait to leave I cant wait to get home to start it all over again.
Today, I'm trying to do something different, this morning I poured out what remaining vodka I had (okay that's not a first) - this afternoon I did not buy any vodka and I'm reaching out to you fine folks telling on myself. I'm praying for willingness.
I'm afraid the WD symptoms which are currently manageable will abruptly take a turn for the worse. (At the moment I only have a headache, tremors are absent right now, my head feels foggy - I feel anxious but I think that's from the mental cravings not necessarily the physical WD - then again, I'm no doctor.
There you have it, I've officially ratted myself out. Thanks for reading.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: SC
Posts: 19
PrettyLiar, your story sounds exactly like mine. Reading it is like looking in a mirror from my past: the trembling, the morning guilt, the crumbling resolve in the early afternoon, going to different liquor stores, drinking liquor as soon as I got home. I know how hopeless you feel.
The last time I had to feel that way was over 7 months ago. As hard as it is to fight the obsession, the truth is that you don't have to keep doing this to yourself. You don't have to feel this way anymore. You can be sober. If I can be sober, you can too!
What worked for me was to have a plan. Personally, I started going to meetings several times a week and found a close trustworthy friend who could help hold me accountable. I read these forums. Those are some things that I would recommend for you. You've taken a huge step by shining the light on your addiction and exposing it, and sharing about it here. Just knowing that we aren't alone and that there are many who can relate can be a big relief. Keep moving forward one moment at a time. The first days are certainly not easy, but it does get better. Hang in there.
The last time I had to feel that way was over 7 months ago. As hard as it is to fight the obsession, the truth is that you don't have to keep doing this to yourself. You don't have to feel this way anymore. You can be sober. If I can be sober, you can too!
What worked for me was to have a plan. Personally, I started going to meetings several times a week and found a close trustworthy friend who could help hold me accountable. I read these forums. Those are some things that I would recommend for you. You've taken a huge step by shining the light on your addiction and exposing it, and sharing about it here. Just knowing that we aren't alone and that there are many who can relate can be a big relief. Keep moving forward one moment at a time. The first days are certainly not easy, but it does get better. Hang in there.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome and thanks for sharing your story PrettyLiar. We all have a story about how bad it got, and while all of ours are slightly different the theme is the same. I'm glad you've finally decided enough is enough and made the decision to do something about it. The initial WD's can be pretty bad, and potentially dangerous - so it's good that you are aware. Please do seek help if you need it, and let someone close to you know what's going on so they can step in if you cannot. It's much better to be safe than sorry, right?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 39
I, too, relate completely to your story. Not sure I could have written it as articulately as you did, but yeah, same story.
So today, I made a plan to get as much support as possible, including this forum and meetings which I never cared for before, but the one I attended today was great!
Thanks for sharing your story.
So today, I made a plan to get as much support as possible, including this forum and meetings which I never cared for before, but the one I attended today was great!
Thanks for sharing your story.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,432
Welcome to SR PrettyLiar 
Your story certainly made me remember similar things from my past.
When I cam here to SR I had no idea what to do, or where to go...I had little confidence I could be sober....but I knew that sobriety was really my only viable option.
I found a lot of support and encouragement here - and with the help of this community, I turned my life around.
I know we can help you do that too.
You're not alone
Like others have said please consider seeing a Dr if you feel really bad.
Do you have any ideas on a plan - the nuts and bolts of how you might stay sober - yet?
D
Your story certainly made me remember similar things from my past.
When I cam here to SR I had no idea what to do, or where to go...I had little confidence I could be sober....but I knew that sobriety was really my only viable option.
I found a lot of support and encouragement here - and with the help of this community, I turned my life around.
I know we can help you do that too.
You're not alone
Like others have said please consider seeing a Dr if you feel really bad.
Do you have any ideas on a plan - the nuts and bolts of how you might stay sober - yet?
D
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Welcome to SR! I could have written your story only I'd not stop after four hours but would continue until I stumbled into bed, ready to start all over again in the morning.
I found it very helpful in the beginning to come on here frequently. I also attended AA meetings and met other women in sobriety and started reaching out to them, eventually becoming friends with some of them. But above all else is the notion that one day at a time, I won't drink, no matter what.
Keep coming back.
I found it very helpful in the beginning to come on here frequently. I also attended AA meetings and met other women in sobriety and started reaching out to them, eventually becoming friends with some of them. But above all else is the notion that one day at a time, I won't drink, no matter what.
Keep coming back.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 669
I completely understand what you're going through. I was a vodka drinker as well and couldn't wait to get home to have my first drink. I drank until I "went to bed". More often than not, I have no recollection of going to bed or passing out on the couch.
The idea of withdrawals really scared me and gave me really bad anxiety. I called my doctor and set up an appointment. I was embarrassed to tell the clerk why I needed an appointment so I made up a "problem". (I told them I thought I had a bladder infection...) The day of my appointment I almost had a major full blown panic attack at the thought of not drinking that night. So, I decided that I would drink that night after the doctors appointment before I got the meds to help with withdrawals. I went on my lunch hour to get a bottle of vodka because I didn't want to run out that night.
I went home, drank, woke up the next morning, poured out the rest of the vodka, took my first medicine and haven't drank since. The medication really helped with the physical withdrawals. Obtaining sobriety isn't easy regardless of medicine, but it did help me initially.
I'm now medicine free and learning day by day on how to deal with life without the numbing effects of the toxic vodka. It has been so worth quitting.
By the way, coming clean to the doctor was my turning point. It was terrifying, but liberating at the same time. My "secret" was out.
If you want this, you can do it. It takes a lot of hard work. Get as much support as you can on SR as well as any other outlets you feel comfortable with.
Good luck!!!
The idea of withdrawals really scared me and gave me really bad anxiety. I called my doctor and set up an appointment. I was embarrassed to tell the clerk why I needed an appointment so I made up a "problem". (I told them I thought I had a bladder infection...) The day of my appointment I almost had a major full blown panic attack at the thought of not drinking that night. So, I decided that I would drink that night after the doctors appointment before I got the meds to help with withdrawals. I went on my lunch hour to get a bottle of vodka because I didn't want to run out that night.
I went home, drank, woke up the next morning, poured out the rest of the vodka, took my first medicine and haven't drank since. The medication really helped with the physical withdrawals. Obtaining sobriety isn't easy regardless of medicine, but it did help me initially.
I'm now medicine free and learning day by day on how to deal with life without the numbing effects of the toxic vodka. It has been so worth quitting.
By the way, coming clean to the doctor was my turning point. It was terrifying, but liberating at the same time. My "secret" was out.
If you want this, you can do it. It takes a lot of hard work. Get as much support as you can on SR as well as any other outlets you feel comfortable with.
Good luck!!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 36
I hope you come back here and have found some success these past few hours. You may need more than what can be provided here, but we are here to help as much as we can. Every second is another second you don't have to every go through painfully again. Be strong, warrior!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Hi and welcome Pretty Liar, you are so brave to be here and to face this issue. I too would do similar things, get the kids taken care of (while drinking, but not took much) then get them into bed and then sit outside smoking and drinking until passing out. I don't need to tell you it is a sad way to live and to parent.
For me it has been an excruciatingly difficult battle to get sober but one worth fighting every day. The spurts of sobriety I have had, which collectively add up to several months but cannot be counted as such as I have had slips in between, have been fabulous. There are so many good things about being sober, from increased energy to clearer skin to less anxiety, too many to list…. But the most touching part of this for me has been the enormous improvement in my relationship with my boys (one almost 7 and the other 5.5) and how much better of a mother I am. I am more patient, kind, I have more time to really listen to them and engage with them. I can see that they are happier and like being with me more. That is worth any struggle in the world for me.
You can find that too. I would repeat what others have said about seeing your doctor. It is good to get a check up and see where you are physically. Your doctor can also recommend any vitamins or supplements that you might need and talk to you about any medications that are available to help with withdrawals or cravings should you wish to explore a pharmaceutical route.
Best of luck, stick around, it is SO worth it.
For me it has been an excruciatingly difficult battle to get sober but one worth fighting every day. The spurts of sobriety I have had, which collectively add up to several months but cannot be counted as such as I have had slips in between, have been fabulous. There are so many good things about being sober, from increased energy to clearer skin to less anxiety, too many to list…. But the most touching part of this for me has been the enormous improvement in my relationship with my boys (one almost 7 and the other 5.5) and how much better of a mother I am. I am more patient, kind, I have more time to really listen to them and engage with them. I can see that they are happier and like being with me more. That is worth any struggle in the world for me.
You can find that too. I would repeat what others have said about seeing your doctor. It is good to get a check up and see where you are physically. Your doctor can also recommend any vitamins or supplements that you might need and talk to you about any medications that are available to help with withdrawals or cravings should you wish to explore a pharmaceutical route.
Best of luck, stick around, it is SO worth it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 927
Welcome: )
I was you, 40 days ago, drank every night, sometimes glugging on the way home from work, sorted kids out, kept household together but drank every night to blackout and had horrid nights sleep / sweat / panic... Got up for work the next day anxious, paranoid, twitchy, functioned through the day, bought more on the way home, repeat....
I couldn't stop the hamster wheel myself, I had to self refer myself for a meeting with addaction in the uk. They organised a home detox for 7 days with medication, then ongoing counselling and medication to stop cravings. It's been amazing, I don't think I could have done it on my own, I'd tried and failed too many times, I had no confidence I could change. They gave me a lifeline.
Today I'm going to a new daytime coffee group of people in recovery, I'm looking forward to it more than I'm thinking about drinking, how's that for change?!
Reach out, you won't regret it xxx
I was you, 40 days ago, drank every night, sometimes glugging on the way home from work, sorted kids out, kept household together but drank every night to blackout and had horrid nights sleep / sweat / panic... Got up for work the next day anxious, paranoid, twitchy, functioned through the day, bought more on the way home, repeat....
I couldn't stop the hamster wheel myself, I had to self refer myself for a meeting with addaction in the uk. They organised a home detox for 7 days with medication, then ongoing counselling and medication to stop cravings. It's been amazing, I don't think I could have done it on my own, I'd tried and failed too many times, I had no confidence I could change. They gave me a lifeline.
Today I'm going to a new daytime coffee group of people in recovery, I'm looking forward to it more than I'm thinking about drinking, how's that for change?!
Reach out, you won't regret it xxx
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Hi prettylittleliar, please take this as constructive as it is intended and not criticism. Your drinking pattern sounds pretty serious but you have managed. Withdrawal is not a pleasant experience, there is just no way to sugar coat that. If you can go through a medical/supervised detox it is quite comfortable.
That being said, I think the important thing here is that if you continue your current routine for years and years, the likelihood that alcohol will destroy your health (along with other things) is pretty high. Read enough posts on this site and you will see what long term hard drinking will do to the human body. Its almost never good. And its a slow painful death.
That being said, I think the important thing here is that if you continue your current routine for years and years, the likelihood that alcohol will destroy your health (along with other things) is pretty high. Read enough posts on this site and you will see what long term hard drinking will do to the human body. Its almost never good. And its a slow painful death.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 3
Day 2 - :)
Thank you all so much for your support. Despite my despair, I poisoned myself on Friday and the remainder of the weekend. HOWEVER not Monday and not today DAY 2 yippee!!! I feel really great! On Monday I decided to start a three day juice cleanse (one that I’ve done before that is jammed packed with 20lbs of cold pressed fruit and veggies each day) and turn my thoughts from something negative I’m doing to myself, to something positive I am doing for myself.
I did have some trouble sleeping last night, I will take an Epsom salt bath tonight and a melatonin to help with that tonight. It was so freeing this morning when I got up and didn’t have to check my BAC. Thank you thank you thank you everyone!!! Even though my plans fell through on Friday – the action of telling on myself and the support that I got in return – is what helped me get through yesterday and will help me through today also.
I did have some trouble sleeping last night, I will take an Epsom salt bath tonight and a melatonin to help with that tonight. It was so freeing this morning when I got up and didn’t have to check my BAC. Thank you thank you thank you everyone!!! Even though my plans fell through on Friday – the action of telling on myself and the support that I got in return – is what helped me get through yesterday and will help me through today also.
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