Butterfly

The serenity prayer has become my multiple daily thinking when I want to try and control a situation.

I met someone a few weeks ago and it became quite intense very quickly, talking everyday all day and spending a lot of time together. He seemed really nice but very quiet in person. We did end up spending the night together, and I know it happened very quickly and so not like me but I enjoyed being with this guy. Anyway he experienced some performance issues and I did ask was it me , he has been very distant since I went home on Sunday. We didn't talk about it. He had a family funeral Monday and Tuesday so I wasn't expecting to hear from him I just texted to say hope he's ok and gets through the next few days.

My first reaction was to of course jump in and ask what I've done wrong and seek reassurance that it's not me, but I didn't, that time!! I thought he didn't want to see me again so I texted to ask him to leave my coat in his his garden and I'd collect it, I left it on Sunday, not deliberately!!

He texted yesterday saying I'm sorry for being an a***h*** there's been lots of family s*** going on! And he'd leave my coat if that's what I wanted. I did say I only said about leaving the coat outside as I didn't think he wanted to see me again , I know I sought reassurance!! I asked if he was ok and wanted to meet for a coffee he said no he needed time to himself and his heads all over the place. Grand, I just said no problem ring if you want to talk! He said he would bring my coat up next time he's up near where I live. I left it at that and didn't ask if he wanted to do something!!

The last few days I've been thinking about how intense it has been so quickly and maybe some red flags I have ignored!

He enjoys a drink, most nights and when I was with him he would have had maybe 2/3 drinks, initially when he first drank I was nervous but he didn't seem to drink to get drunk, he drank as he enjoyed a drink, he didn't guzzle it down as if he'd never have another drink again!!

When we were together he was quiet and didn't ask a lot about me, I mean he asked about work and the kids, now when I asked him things he seemed to be very open in his answers.

I enjoyed being with him but did I just like it because a male was giving me attention is that why I felt so happy. Because now my mind is reeling.

I am trying to give him space and not overthink everything, everything's not always about me.....right!!!!

Stbxah still hasn't responded to solicitors letters, he received my cross petition last week and he hasn't said anything about it!! I want this done very quickly too I want him out of my life!!

I've also spoken to the kids about how they'd feel if I started dating and they were grand, I think I thought they'd be annoyed or upset about it. I told them I was meeting this guy when I was with him, as I didn't want to keep lying to them about being out with my friends, my son has been teasing me about dating, DD has been a bit quieter and seemed annoyed when I went on another date.

Sorry I know this isn't necessarily recovery related but I need help in understanding my thinking and behaviours.

Thank you for reading

Pebbles2012

I have obsessed over similar insecurities. It isn't always about us. I think what makes some of these insecurities go quiet is working on knowing that you have genuine worth as a human being and not obsessing about the what ifs. I have done the same thing. It's craziness and is a sign I need to work on me. If it's meant to be it'll happen but whatever you do, always trust your gut. Hugs to you. You're doing great..

dandylion

Butterfly, there are few things that shake a male to the core like not being able to perform in the expected manner. This can set a cascade of emotions and behaviours in them that can actually work to their own detriment.
I think it is a wise move on your part to give him space....and be willing to just move on....if that is what is in the cards.
This is a part of the dating game. It just is. It actually takes a long time to really get to know all aspects of a person....(as you well know).

It does feel good to have attention from the opposite sex. That is why people date in the first place. It is normal and healthy to feel like that.
It is just that everyone that you spend time with (even if enjoyable)....or date....or, even become intimate with.....is going to "jell" in the long run. That is just the way it is.
You got a gripe with that...? Go tell it to Mother Nature!

lol.

dandylion

redatlanta

Hi Butterfly! I see a difference here in the way you are handling this and I hope it continues. Good for you.

I met someone a few weeks ago and it became quite intense very quickly, talking everyday all day and spending a lot of time together.

This is a huge red flag. Please pay attention to it in the future. This same thing happened with your old friend. These "pop up" relationships that become so serious so fast usually do not end well. I'd go so far as to say, they never end well. There is a reason why dating should be progressive. It gives each person time to understand and evaluate things about the other person in order to figure out if the relationship has possibility - if its a good match. When you dive in head first you just end up at the bottom of the pool. Best to stick your toe in first and test the temps. You really know nothing about this person, what or how he handles things, what his needs are emotionally in dealing with family loss. You have become accustomed to spending a lot of time together in a very short period of time. Now you aren't, its disturbing you. Continue giving him his space, and in the meantime go on some other dates with other people!! Don't put all your eggs in one guys basket when you first meet them.

Again, see some marked changes in you and I hope it continues!!!!

FeelingGreat

hi Butterfly, I wouldn't get at all worried about the performance issue. When men get past a certain age it becomes very common, especially with a new date. It was a real eye-opener for me when I started dating after 40. I thought they stayed like teenagers their whole lives, lol.


I don't like the sound of this guy though, to get intense quickly then drop you like a hot potato once he's done the deed. That's distasteful for a mature person. Even if he has had second thoughts, to treat you like that is really off. If I were you'd I'd tell him to forget about bringing round the coat, you'll collect it.

What a pity your stbxah is being so slack, maybe deliberately. He left you, made it clear he was finished and yet can't have the courtesy to move the divorce onwards. Oh well, he can't bury his head in the sand forever.

Hawkeye13

I'm with others--give him some space and be ready to move on.

He sounds like he has some issues and the red flags are flying.

So what is the next step you can take to get the divorce rolling?
I would focus on that--I've always maintained that your ex is hiding
financials which may leave you in a much more comfortable place.

Then you can take a proper holiday and get the rest you so richly deserve.
They also have men in other places I hear. . . sounds like the hunting is pretty
marginal where you are now.

Good job recognizing the pattern in yourself so quickly.
Like Dandy says, dating is just a "try out" and one cannot expect much beyond that in the beginning.

Just keep playing the field and working on you--you are worth it

jjj111

I did some reading about red flags after breaking up with my last AXBF. One thing I learned is that when a relationship moves quickly, that alone is a red flag. Trust takes time and getting to know someone and figure out whether they're a good potential partner also takes time. When people rush, they're often trying to fill a hole in their heart that a partner can't really fill. I realized that this was true of both me and the people I'd rushed in with. It's not easy, but I'm trying to learn to take it slow these days and remain flexible about whether someone is a good match instead of going all in early on as I used to do.

Thomas45

Performance issues are very common when a guy is really into it, and on both ends of the spectrum of possibilities. Sometimes they can take too long on the first few times because they're so focused on pleasing the other person, and sometimes they finish too quickly for the same reason. If it happens more than 4-5 times then there might be cause for concern, but if it's one of those two things then I wouldn't worry about it too much, it could be that he is really just so into you that he isn't quite relaxed.

That said, if it was a 'problem keeping it up' issue, there are so many possibilities going on here. It could be he helped himself earlier in the day or late the previous night. It could be that he's in an altered emotional state due to the death in the family. He could have other things going on in his life that he's not ready to talk about. If you like his company, give him some time and see how things go, and try not to put a lot of expectations on the relationship. Just let it happen naturally. Continue to live your life in a way that fulfills you, and allow him to do the same.

It is good to pick up on possible red flags, just be aware of any red flags you may be putting out yourself that he would pick up on. You're very quick to assume blame for sexual dysfunction on his part. It sounds like he's in the grieving stages of a death in the family and you're contacting him asking whether he doesn't want to see you again. He may pick up on that as being a red flag.

All in all, I wouldn't worry about focusing so much on pleasing other people. Your job is to be your own source of happiness, and not someone else's source of happiness. Your sense of approval and validation needs to come from within you, not from your partner or children, and that will happen by continuing to focus on your own needs and living well despite anything else that goes on in your life.

jjj111

I just thought I'd add something: like you, I struggle with needing reassurance in relationships. I'm finding that's much less of a problem, though, when I manage to take it slow. I've gotten to know a couple men in the past couple years who interested me and I was able to go through the process of getting to know them and becoming closer without breaking into neediness. In both cases, we didn't end up having sex or pursuing a relationship. One of them ended up not being that into me, and one of them I decided I wasn't that into. (It took me a few months to figure out that he drinks more than I'm comfortable with--perfect example of the benefits of getting to know someone.) Anyway, I was able to go through this process without getting needy because I didn't go all in. I always thought it was kind of silly and old-fashioned to wait a long time to have sex. I wanted to believe I was a free-spirited modern woman. But I've come to accept that having sex does leave me feeling vulnerable and I prefer to wait until I feel secure that someone is a good match and planning to stick with me. So far, that has meant I haven't had sex in four years, LOL, but I'm OK with that. I have faith that it will work out when a good one comes along.

FireSprite

Well, my opinion remains the same & it is absolutely, 100%, purely my opinion that follows, ok?


You aren't ready to date. And even if you are, you aren't ready for a relationship. Ideally, group events & activities would, IMO, help you baby-step into this stuff at an easier pace. One-on-one situations are a lot of pressure & you hyperfocus on details. In group, you can focus on meeting PEOPLE, not just men.

You keep ending up in this same emotional place because you're still seeking & entangling yourself in external validation... but KUDOS for seeing some of the red flags a little more clearly!

Just a few weeks ago you were still caught up in obsessing over the last guy & it sounds like only the NEW guy alleviated that obsession? Am I getting this timing right? If so, I think you're starting to see this pattern too:

Do you deserve a healthy, happy relationship with someone you can trust? Hell yes. But you aren't going to find that on the outside until you find it on the inside first. You know why? Because you NEED that touchstone to come back to when things fall apart externally in ways like this situation with your friend. It's like having an internal trampoline that helps you to bounce back faster. I'm guessing here when I say that I expect you are all-but abandoning your own recovery every time you have a relationship to focus on & that only increases your feelings of vulnerability if things don't go perfectly.

About 3 weeks ago you posted this:

What changed, B? What suddenly made you feel ready?

Butterfly

Thanks everyone. I do think I e handled this very differently from previous times and that I can actually see red flags is a bonus lol. I'm not sure whether his drinking is a red flag or just maybe for me given my history!!

Thomas thank you for your reply. I didn't contact him to ask if he wanted to see me again. I had asked about leaving my coat and he replied about being an a***h***, I think I panicked and said I had only suggested he leave the coat as I didn't think he wanted to see me again. I didn't want him to think I didn't want to see him, but yeah I still sought reassurance in a way.

jjj, it's not silly or old fashioned, I'm a lot like you when it comes to sex which is why it was so unlike me to sleep with this guy so quickly. I think I need to look at why I did, I mean I wanted to but was there some under lying reason, fear he wouldn't want to see me again if I didn't.

Feelinggreat, if only lol but yeah I get he may be going through some stuff but it may also be an excuse to blow me off rather than being honest.

Hawkeye, he has 35 days to respond to my petition and we can't do anything until then so I have to wait but if he doesn't respond then i need to meet with my solicitor and discuss options I'm sure there are other ways to progress this. I refuse to sit about and wait. The last time we spoke about DS, think it was August, start of September he said he had been trying to sort out the financial stuff and was waiting on his mortgage statement but he's had from March to do this and he still hasn't produced anything. I like you think he's hiding financial information but I dont think he can as he has to produce financial records for 2 years prior to our separation and up until June this year so if he's hiding something it will show!!

I think I was so focused on not seeking reassurance from him and not controlling things I forgot about my need to please everyone else. Now that I've had some time to think I made most of the effort in seeing him, I travelled up to his house, 30 miles away, he didn't have to make the effort at all.

Firesprite, I don't know what changed, I guess I started talking to this guy and I liked him. I need to start living my recovery instead of hiding away, I thought it may be fun to date a bit, push me out of my comfort zone, work on my insecurities, my controlling behaviour and need to react negatively when I feel I am being rejected. Maybe it's wrong to do it this way but I wanted to get out of the house. But your right again I did neglect my recovery in a way but I did work on my overthinking and letting go and letting things happen without trying to control everything.

I'm still trying to find my way in all this and there are days I do better than others.

Yes I need to work on why I feel happy just when I have a guys attention it's as if this validates me, I'm attractive, I'm good enough, I did text him yesterday just to ask how he was feeling, he didn't reply and I didn't text again, I didn't ask if he wanted to see me again or go into what I need from him or ask what I had done wrong!! Maybe I shouldn't have texted as I'm giving him space but I didn't think there was anything wrong with asking how he was, maybe there was but at the end of the day I am a kind and caring and I never want that part of me to change.

Thank you everyone.

NYCDoglvr

This is entirely recovery related. Acting needy and seeking reassurance is part of being codependent. I suggest jumping into Alanon, which saved my sanity and kept me from picking the same people over and over.