Finally talking about divorce
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 412
Finally talking about divorce
I've been separated from my AH for 7 months now.
Any time we have spoken about things in the past 7 months he has said he would do anything to save our marriage. That he loves me and that it may take years but he will not give up.
All the while DOING NOTHING about it.
Hasn't wanted to talk about his recovery and I butted out as it's not my business.
Recently if I have ever brought up the subject of our marriage in any way just silence. I've been contemplating divorce for months and until just a few days ago I wasn't really ready.
Still not sure I am, it seems so big and scary somehow.
I just never expected to be getting divorced, and like someone on here said, it takes TWO people to make a marriage work.
To my credit I believe I have given plenty of chances that he could have taken where we could have at least looked at whether it could have been fixed (I seriously doubt it could however I was open), so when I look back I will know that I did everything I could.
Tonight he changed his tune from saying he wanted to fix it and said that it's not fair on either of us to be in a marriage together. That I would always be looking for him to slip up and that he doesn't think I would be happy.
There is some truth in that statement. However not sure how I feel about him using my happiness as an excuse, without ever acknowledging that it's the addiction that is the main reason why we will not be together, and also the reason I was not happy!!!
Although I get that the addiction is not everything, as in I have seen the stories about when a partner DOES finally choose real recovery and there are still troubles in the relationship / the other partner is still unhappy.
Urgh. I don't know this whole thing just sucks.
I saw a picture on his social media of loads of alcohol that he was tagged in with 2 other people, so I do not think he his in any kind of real recovery.
That is not news to me really. And I figure it's his business.
Anyway we did talk about divorce.
I asked him how he wants to handle it and he said 'as easily as possible... '
Well I guess it's progress that we are talking about it.
It's hard to accept, hard to let go of the dreams.
And I've got so much energy wrapped up in this, that I would really like back now.
I STILL miss out cottage, and our dog we had (his dog and gosh I hope he treats that dog OK) even though now I have my own little cutie dog.
I can feel positive about the future again though I think. Even through the sadness.
Any time we have spoken about things in the past 7 months he has said he would do anything to save our marriage. That he loves me and that it may take years but he will not give up.
All the while DOING NOTHING about it.
Hasn't wanted to talk about his recovery and I butted out as it's not my business.
Recently if I have ever brought up the subject of our marriage in any way just silence. I've been contemplating divorce for months and until just a few days ago I wasn't really ready.
Still not sure I am, it seems so big and scary somehow.
I just never expected to be getting divorced, and like someone on here said, it takes TWO people to make a marriage work.
To my credit I believe I have given plenty of chances that he could have taken where we could have at least looked at whether it could have been fixed (I seriously doubt it could however I was open), so when I look back I will know that I did everything I could.
Tonight he changed his tune from saying he wanted to fix it and said that it's not fair on either of us to be in a marriage together. That I would always be looking for him to slip up and that he doesn't think I would be happy.
There is some truth in that statement. However not sure how I feel about him using my happiness as an excuse, without ever acknowledging that it's the addiction that is the main reason why we will not be together, and also the reason I was not happy!!!
Although I get that the addiction is not everything, as in I have seen the stories about when a partner DOES finally choose real recovery and there are still troubles in the relationship / the other partner is still unhappy.
Urgh. I don't know this whole thing just sucks.
I saw a picture on his social media of loads of alcohol that he was tagged in with 2 other people, so I do not think he his in any kind of real recovery.
That is not news to me really. And I figure it's his business.
Anyway we did talk about divorce.
I asked him how he wants to handle it and he said 'as easily as possible... '
Well I guess it's progress that we are talking about it.
It's hard to accept, hard to let go of the dreams.
And I've got so much energy wrapped up in this, that I would really like back now.
I STILL miss out cottage, and our dog we had (his dog and gosh I hope he treats that dog OK) even though now I have my own little cutie dog.
I can feel positive about the future again though I think. Even through the sadness.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
I am sorry for your hurt and loss of hopes of a good marriage with this man. Alcoholics always couch things as either our fault, or manipulate the situation to make it look like they are "looking out for us." My alcoholic mother is bowing out of Christmas this year and couching it like she is saving my sister and I work and expense when she didn't give a cr*p about the work and expense for us for about 20 years!! The truth is that she made an a** out of herself last Christmas and probably got kicked out of the elite club that we have Christmas dinner at every year and finally, would prefer just to have no work and "all play " with her favorite friend, alcohol.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
CL,
I am sorry, as we all feel your pain. Most of us here, were always hoping our A's would be different. They would want to save the marriage, home, family. He has a disease, and that disease has taken over his brain. The man you married a long time ago would never choose booze over you.
Take your time and get stronger. You can do anything you put your mind too. We are here for you to talk to, as well as we GET IT!! Hugs my friend!!
I am sorry, as we all feel your pain. Most of us here, were always hoping our A's would be different. They would want to save the marriage, home, family. He has a disease, and that disease has taken over his brain. The man you married a long time ago would never choose booze over you.
Take your time and get stronger. You can do anything you put your mind too. We are here for you to talk to, as well as we GET IT!! Hugs my friend!!
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi CL, it doesn't sound like he's up for the challenge of recovery. If you look forward 5 years he still might be static, or even worse.
If you decide to go ahead with the divorce, I suggest you go at it full tilt to get it over with. Don't expect him to make the running as he has other priorities. Hurtful as it is to you, there are many advantages of going now rather than waiting to see what happens.
If you decide to go ahead with the divorce, I suggest you go at it full tilt to get it over with. Don't expect him to make the running as he has other priorities. Hurtful as it is to you, there are many advantages of going now rather than waiting to see what happens.
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