Fear of Success?
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 39
Fear of Success?
I'm not afraid to fail. In fact, failing sounds quite nice right now. If I fail that means I can have a tall glass of beer and a nice long drag on a cigarette. That would bring me total relaxation. Followed by immense guilt of course.
Why is it though, that every time I think about a stronger, faster, smarter, sober version of myself (say 90 days from now, or even half a year from now), I get huge cravings to drink/smoke. Looking at pictures of myself before I started drinking, and longing to be that person or better than that person I see in my pictures causes a visceral response to just go out and get wasted. Isn't this so backwards?
Imagine if I was studying for a test. If I envision myself succeeding and getting and A on the test. It would make me realize "Ok, if I want that to happen I better continue to study." It would not make me say "Oh let me just burn all my notes and I'll get an A on the next test"
Why does this paradoxical reaction happen with drinking and smoking?
Why is it though, that every time I think about a stronger, faster, smarter, sober version of myself (say 90 days from now, or even half a year from now), I get huge cravings to drink/smoke. Looking at pictures of myself before I started drinking, and longing to be that person or better than that person I see in my pictures causes a visceral response to just go out and get wasted. Isn't this so backwards?
Imagine if I was studying for a test. If I envision myself succeeding and getting and A on the test. It would make me realize "Ok, if I want that to happen I better continue to study." It would not make me say "Oh let me just burn all my notes and I'll get an A on the next test"
Why does this paradoxical reaction happen with drinking and smoking?
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: North Ga
Posts: 251
Originally Posted by Syn3rgistic 
I'm not afraid to fail. In fact, failing sounds quite nice right now. If I fail that means I can have a tall glass of beer and a nice long drag on a cigarette. That would bring me total relaxation. Followed by immense guilt of course.
Why is it though, that every time I think about a stronger, faster, smarter, sober version of myself (say 90 days from now, or even half a year from now), I get huge cravings to drink/smoke. Looking at pictures of myself before I started drinking, and longing to be that person or better than that person I see in my pictures causes a visceral response to just go out and get wasted. Isn't this so backwards?
Imagine if I was studying for a test. If I envision myself succeeding and getting and A on the test. It would make me realize "Ok, if I want that to happen I better continue to study." It would not make me say "Oh let me just burn all my notes and I'll get an A on the next test"
Why does this paradoxical reaction happen with drinking and smoking?
Why is it though, that every time I think about a stronger, faster, smarter, sober version of myself (say 90 days from now, or even half a year from now), I get huge cravings to drink/smoke. Looking at pictures of myself before I started drinking, and longing to be that person or better than that person I see in my pictures causes a visceral response to just go out and get wasted. Isn't this so backwards?
Imagine if I was studying for a test. If I envision myself succeeding and getting and A on the test. It would make me realize "Ok, if I want that to happen I better continue to study." It would not make me say "Oh let me just burn all my notes and I'll get an A on the next test"
Why does this paradoxical reaction happen with drinking and smoking?
Having said that, it might not be that you fear success so much as it seems
Insurmountable and so easy to not do it. Maybe no different than if you could see a picture of yourself and what you would look like after working out three hours a day for 90 days or half a year from now- looks good, sounds good, feels good, but damn it is a lot of work and discipline to get there and requires me to change habits and how I manage my life.
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 39
Yeah a lot of people stand by the one day at a time thing. I need to do more than just not drink. I become a dry drunk very quickly. I'm absolutely miserable. So things really have to change in every aspect if I want to get better. And that leads me to thinking why am I really quitting? I'm quitting so I can get back the good life I used to have before I started. Then oddly at that moment, I have a craving to drink and not get it back ever.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 2,872
I call it self-sabotage. I did it for years.
A little success, and' hey I can drink and smoke again".
Once I realized that's what I was doing, I could get past it.
Bad and good things are going to happen drunk or sober. I try and stay on an even keel and take things one day at a time. I can't handle forever.
I can handle today. Been working for over four and a half years now.
A little success, and' hey I can drink and smoke again".
Once I realized that's what I was doing, I could get past it.
Bad and good things are going to happen drunk or sober. I try and stay on an even keel and take things one day at a time. I can't handle forever.
I can handle today. Been working for over four and a half years now.
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
If I failed, I drank. If I succeeded, I drank. I drank to feel better or worse. I drank at weddings and funerals.........ad infinitum
Drinking made me delusional about all my circumstances good and bad. Around 6 months sober my brain started to respond as if a light switch was flipped on - the fog lifted. I was fortunate and am very grateful.
I too stay sober for today. I completely respect those who are capable of saying never again. Wish I could be that guy maybe, but I'm not. I swore off drinking too many times to ever believe it.
Regardless, the point for me is once I get some success - 16 months now - I start to believe in me again. Success or failure doesn't enter my thought process. There just is what I'm doing to the best of my ability, that's all. I really don't measure things anymore I guess. What am I doing today to love those around me and be fruitful to those I come in contact with. What am I doing to get out of myself? That is the only question I now ask, frankly. That thought process keeps me sober. Drinking is the most selfish thing we can ever do it. It kills life and hope for ourselves and others whom we claim to love. It is murderous.
I hear friends say they want things to be they way they were - good again. I don't understand this concept really because things now are so different. There is no more delusion surrounding my thinking. There is only truth - of myself, others and the world. I would never, ever want things to be as they were prior to drinking. That was so very long ago and there were so many issues before I ever took that first drink.
I have discovered the color gray - nothing is as I thought, black or white in this world. The myopic vision of things I had is gone, today.
Glad you're here with us!!
Thank you for the post
Drinking made me delusional about all my circumstances good and bad. Around 6 months sober my brain started to respond as if a light switch was flipped on - the fog lifted. I was fortunate and am very grateful.
I too stay sober for today. I completely respect those who are capable of saying never again. Wish I could be that guy maybe, but I'm not. I swore off drinking too many times to ever believe it.
Regardless, the point for me is once I get some success - 16 months now - I start to believe in me again. Success or failure doesn't enter my thought process. There just is what I'm doing to the best of my ability, that's all. I really don't measure things anymore I guess. What am I doing today to love those around me and be fruitful to those I come in contact with. What am I doing to get out of myself? That is the only question I now ask, frankly. That thought process keeps me sober. Drinking is the most selfish thing we can ever do it. It kills life and hope for ourselves and others whom we claim to love. It is murderous.
I hear friends say they want things to be they way they were - good again. I don't understand this concept really because things now are so different. There is no more delusion surrounding my thinking. There is only truth - of myself, others and the world. I would never, ever want things to be as they were prior to drinking. That was so very long ago and there were so many issues before I ever took that first drink.
I have discovered the color gray - nothing is as I thought, black or white in this world. The myopic vision of things I had is gone, today.
Glad you're here with us!!
Thank you for the post
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Fear of Success?
for me that fear came as a result of that with success theres the possibility of failure.
i wouldnt know if there was success if i didnt get courage to go through with it."it" being whatever was necessary to see the results of whatever "it" is that i want to be successful at.
when it came to getting sober, no matter how bad a day i had as long as i laid down in bed at the end of the day without drinking
i was successful.
for me that fear came as a result of that with success theres the possibility of failure.
i wouldnt know if there was success if i didnt get courage to go through with it."it" being whatever was necessary to see the results of whatever "it" is that i want to be successful at.
when it came to getting sober, no matter how bad a day i had as long as i laid down in bed at the end of the day without drinking
i was successful.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Gulf Coast, USA
Posts: 2,229
I'm another one who can only look at today. I focus on being sober today, then tomorrow will fall into place. Early on, I found I would always set myself up for failure if I looked too far into the future.
Even today, I am focused on saying sober for today. I know the strength I have built up will help me stay sober tomorrow too, but I am only focused on today.
On the opposite side of the coin, I always play it forward when I am feeling weak. I envision how terrible my tomorrow will be if I pick up today. I look at what my future will hold if I drink today... nothing but destruction and right back to where I was months ago.
Stay strong S. You can do this. Lean on us as much as you need to get you past the rough parts.
Even today, I am focused on saying sober for today. I know the strength I have built up will help me stay sober tomorrow too, but I am only focused on today.
On the opposite side of the coin, I always play it forward when I am feeling weak. I envision how terrible my tomorrow will be if I pick up today. I look at what my future will hold if I drink today... nothing but destruction and right back to where I was months ago.
Stay strong S. You can do this. Lean on us as much as you need to get you past the rough parts.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
its like a cycle of self destructive thought / behaivior. I Know it all to well. and if i'm not careful its pretty easy to slip right back into it.
I too once was a heavy smoker and drinker. and even now at 4+ years later i think now and then why do i bother maybe I should go get a pack of smokes an d acase of beer!
Its like its easier to not bother trying untill thats no longer all that easy either which is how it went down for me.
I've come ot the realization that it is easier to live sober and smoke free but it took a long time to get to that point and its one step at a time i learned early on not to bite off more then I could chew.
I heard it said once that we dont have a drinking problem we have a thinking problem. I think thats the case to some degree too.
I too once was a heavy smoker and drinker. and even now at 4+ years later i think now and then why do i bother maybe I should go get a pack of smokes an d acase of beer!
Its like its easier to not bother trying untill thats no longer all that easy either which is how it went down for me.
I've come ot the realization that it is easier to live sober and smoke free but it took a long time to get to that point and its one step at a time i learned early on not to bite off more then I could chew.
I heard it said once that we dont have a drinking problem we have a thinking problem. I think thats the case to some degree too.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
Why does this paradoxical reaction happen with drinking and smoking?
why care about the 'why' of that?
i used to think that i needed to understand all these things about me and my drinking and possible underlying issues and the 'reason' i drank and the 'reason' i couldn't stay quit and the 'why of the why' of oodles of things.
what i needed to do was to quit and not ever drink again. accept that i was a drunk and would never drink again.
i'm one of those who needed the "forever" part accepted by me whole-heartedly.
failing sounds nice, eh?
failing's easy. nothing to it. take that option off the table and there you'll be, with yourself and your fears.
start there.
why care about the 'why' of that?
i used to think that i needed to understand all these things about me and my drinking and possible underlying issues and the 'reason' i drank and the 'reason' i couldn't stay quit and the 'why of the why' of oodles of things.
what i needed to do was to quit and not ever drink again. accept that i was a drunk and would never drink again.
i'm one of those who needed the "forever" part accepted by me whole-heartedly.
failing sounds nice, eh?
failing's easy. nothing to it. take that option off the table and there you'll be, with yourself and your fears.
start there.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4,860
Originally Posted by Fly N Buy
If I failed, I drank. If I succeeded, I drank. I drank to feel better or worse. I drank at weddings and funerals.........ad infinitum
Drinking made me delusional about all my circumstances good and bad. Around 6 months sober my brain started to respond as if a light switch was flipped on - the fog lifted. I was fortunate and am very grateful.
I too stay sober for today. I completely respect those who are capable of saying never again. Wish I could be that guy maybe, but I'm not. I swore off drinking too many times to ever believe it.
Regardless, the point for me is once I get some success - 16 months now - I start to believe in me again. Success or failure doesn't enter my thought process. There just is what I'm doing to the best of my ability, that's all. I really don't measure things anymore I guess. What am I doing today to love those around me and be fruitful to those I come in contact with. What am I doing to get out of myself? That is the only question I now ask, frankly. That thought process keeps me sober. Drinking is the most selfish thing we can ever do it. It kills life and hope for ourselves and others whom we claim to love. It is murderous.
I hear friends say they want things to be they way they were - good again. I don't understand this concept really because things now are so different. There is no more delusion surrounding my thinking. There is only truth - of myself, others and the world. I would never, ever want things to be as they were prior to drinking. That was so very long ago and there were so many issues before I ever took that first drink.
I have discovered the color gray - nothing is as I thought, black or white in this world. The myopic vision of things I had is gone, today.
Glad you're here with us!!
Thank you for the post
Drinking made me delusional about all my circumstances good and bad. Around 6 months sober my brain started to respond as if a light switch was flipped on - the fog lifted. I was fortunate and am very grateful.
I too stay sober for today. I completely respect those who are capable of saying never again. Wish I could be that guy maybe, but I'm not. I swore off drinking too many times to ever believe it.
Regardless, the point for me is once I get some success - 16 months now - I start to believe in me again. Success or failure doesn't enter my thought process. There just is what I'm doing to the best of my ability, that's all. I really don't measure things anymore I guess. What am I doing today to love those around me and be fruitful to those I come in contact with. What am I doing to get out of myself? That is the only question I now ask, frankly. That thought process keeps me sober. Drinking is the most selfish thing we can ever do it. It kills life and hope for ourselves and others whom we claim to love. It is murderous.
I hear friends say they want things to be they way they were - good again. I don't understand this concept really because things now are so different. There is no more delusion surrounding my thinking. There is only truth - of myself, others and the world. I would never, ever want things to be as they were prior to drinking. That was so very long ago and there were so many issues before I ever took that first drink.
I have discovered the color gray - nothing is as I thought, black or white in this world. The myopic vision of things I had is gone, today.
Glad you're here with us!!
Thank you for the post
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 39
Originally Posted by fini
Why does this paradoxical reaction happen with drinking and smoking?
why care about the 'why' of that?
i used to think that i needed to understand all these things about me and my drinking and possible underlying issues and the 'reason' i drank and the 'reason' i couldn't stay quit and the 'why of the why' of oodles of things.
what i needed to do was to quit and not ever drink again. accept that i was a drunk and would never drink again.
i'm one of those who needed the "forever" part accepted by me whole-heartedly.
failing sounds nice, eh?
failing's easy. nothing to it. take that option off the table and there you'll be, with yourself and your fears.
start there.
why care about the 'why' of that?
i used to think that i needed to understand all these things about me and my drinking and possible underlying issues and the 'reason' i drank and the 'reason' i couldn't stay quit and the 'why of the why' of oodles of things.
what i needed to do was to quit and not ever drink again. accept that i was a drunk and would never drink again.
i'm one of those who needed the "forever" part accepted by me whole-heartedly.
failing sounds nice, eh?
failing's easy. nothing to it. take that option off the table and there you'll be, with yourself and your fears.
start there.
Haha It's in my nature. I'm endlessly curious about the brain (I'm a neuroscientist) so it doesn't have to do with me believing that knowing why the paradoxical reaction takes place will help me solve it. I'm just plain curious to hear what you all think about it. But you are right, I am one of those people (I think, time will tell) that I just have to accept that I can never do it again.
Never take another puff!
Never take another drink!
I'm slamming this mantra into my head so that it becomes an automatic reaction. Which is probably why "one day at a time" works for some people. The mantra aspect is comforting.
Thanks for your response, it was most helpful.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
Syn,
it's in my nature, too.
i'm not a neuroscientist.
and because it's in my nature to dig deep, i entirely missed, or possibly deliberately ignored, the fact that believing i needed to understand/know the 'why' very conveniently gave me the continued drinking option.
i didn't need the mantra-approach, though. i wanted desperately to be done with it. i wanted to never have another drink. because one of the things that had become clear to me was that i never wanted a drink, anyways; i always wanted "enough" drinks.
i wouldn't do too well with a mantra-approach; no comfort there for me.
so....fear of success. what's that about for you with regards to sobriety?
no need to put it out in public, but a good question to sit with.
fear about never having another drink.
wth???
sitting with questions like this in a non-neuroscientific way helped me see more clearly where the possible hurdles might be. and 'who' i really was/am.
it's in my nature, too.
i'm not a neuroscientist.
and because it's in my nature to dig deep, i entirely missed, or possibly deliberately ignored, the fact that believing i needed to understand/know the 'why' very conveniently gave me the continued drinking option.
i didn't need the mantra-approach, though. i wanted desperately to be done with it. i wanted to never have another drink. because one of the things that had become clear to me was that i never wanted a drink, anyways; i always wanted "enough" drinks.
i wouldn't do too well with a mantra-approach; no comfort there for me.
so....fear of success. what's that about for you with regards to sobriety?
no need to put it out in public, but a good question to sit with.
fear about never having another drink.
wth???
sitting with questions like this in a non-neuroscientific way helped me see more clearly where the possible hurdles might be. and 'who' i really was/am.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 919
Fear of success is the fear that at the end of the finish line, we are still not complete, we are still humans with problems and we will still die.
The truth is, no-one ever wins the game of life, we just learn to enjoy playing the game.
The truth is, no-one ever wins the game of life, we just learn to enjoy playing the game.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: CA.....Hometown : Sioux Falls
Posts: 2,624
It could also be fear of the unknown. Being drunk, anything familiar is comfortable compared to change. Success also brings with it self responsibility and being accountable, expectations from others, that can be interpreted as pressures instead of just doing the good and right things for yourself.
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