3 years sober
Sober since October
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
3 years sober
Hi, SR friends.
So..today I hit 3 years sober.
I want to say so much - about the way my life changed after I decided to go alcohol-free. And about this site, of course.
I am back from work now, tired and feeling sleepy.
You know, last night I woke up like at 1 a.m. because of enormous pain. Don't worry, nothing serious. I just finally have funds to fix my teeth. I've been having some serious issues for quite a time, and a long story with a wisdom tooth. Extracting it will cause serious complication and they cut off part of gum above and put filling. So yesterday, after work, I had a dentist appointment and spent there almost 2 hours, and it took almost 3 shots of anaesthesia to finally numb.
So, in the middle of the night all anaesthesia finally wore off. and pain woke me and kept awake for quite a while. And I realized I have no painkillers at home, and as much as painful it was - like hell - I sooo wanted to sleep that stayed in bed, whimpering and hoping the pain will pass soon. I don't remember how I feel asleep again.
You are probably wondering - while in the world I am telling this wisdom tooth story here? For some reason it reminded me about numbing my pain and feelings with wine. And once this "anaesthesia" stopped - how painful it was at some moments to face the wounds of the past. And sometimes, after opening up the emotional wound, there was noting else to do, but cry and let the pain fade away.
And yet.
It's amazing how quickly the pain is forgotten. How something that seemed to be impossible is "no big deal" now.
Today I've been constantly giving myself "tough talk" for not doing enough, for cutting myself too much slack recently, for ... and so on and so far.
On my way home I look at the people in the bus and thought: "I feel like an undercover operative - such an important day for me, as important as BDay - and I never can tell anyone why I am celebrating today.
But, I have SR - my family with unconditional love.
Three years ago I reached the point when I drank 1.5-2 bottles of wine per night about 3 times a week. It was a horrible circle:
- Buying myself 1 bottle of wine (every time fooling myself that I will not even drink it up);
- Polishing it off within 1-2 hours;
- Spending about an hour rationalizing why this "last" time I can go and buy another one;
- Finally going outside (often taking dark stairs and risking to break my neck because I was aware I was flaring wine breath and was ashamed to meet neighbours in the elevator);
- walking about half and hour to another shop (shop rotating - you know what I am talking about);
- back home - just one glass.
- second bottle is gone too;
- next day feeling like I am dying;
- WHY????!!!! Why do I keep doing it? Swearing off "Never Again";
- Next day (or rather night), when feeling ok again - "I need just a couple of glasses to improve my mood and think about what I am going to do with my life";
- Repeat.
So, I pronounced to myself "scary" words "I have a problem".
I searched Internet for it. Found something like "to a woman" in AA site. Recognized myself in it.
Never was in AA though. And, to anticipate the question - my sobriety is based on hard work inside out. AA is just not the only way to the sober land.
So, I googled "Quit-drinking buddy". Top searches were "where to find a drinking buddy". No, thanks.
Further in the list there was SR. I immediately registered and started posting. And so my journey started.
3 years:
- Along with alcohol I also kicked out sugar and flour, and all the junk food out of my regimen.
- Went through heartbreakingly tough therapy - opening up childhood wounds and dealing with them in order to move forward;
- Bought my own apartment;
- Started boxing;
- Found a job;
- And the most important think - finally met my real self - after shelling off layers of pain fear and BS beliefs. Learning take every thought crossing my mind and asking "Is that true? Who said so?".
I had to take my world apart and build another one - because once the alcohol numbing was taken out of equation - the ugliness and wrongness of the old world became extremely obvious and it crashed. It was hard to let many old beliefs die - some of the were so deep rooted that I was sure they were integral part of me. And so it was very scary to "kill them". Like killing part of myself. But they were not.
It's still work in progress - identifying old beliefs and letting them die. And then the burden of past gets little bit lighter.
I wish all the members here (and those who are lurking but not a member yet) all the best along the sober road. Believe me - ditching a drink you don't lose anything - you acquire a lot.
Thank you for reading. And for tremendous unparallel support.
My hugs and love to all!
So..today I hit 3 years sober.
I want to say so much - about the way my life changed after I decided to go alcohol-free. And about this site, of course.
I am back from work now, tired and feeling sleepy.
You know, last night I woke up like at 1 a.m. because of enormous pain. Don't worry, nothing serious. I just finally have funds to fix my teeth. I've been having some serious issues for quite a time, and a long story with a wisdom tooth. Extracting it will cause serious complication and they cut off part of gum above and put filling. So yesterday, after work, I had a dentist appointment and spent there almost 2 hours, and it took almost 3 shots of anaesthesia to finally numb.
So, in the middle of the night all anaesthesia finally wore off. and pain woke me and kept awake for quite a while. And I realized I have no painkillers at home, and as much as painful it was - like hell - I sooo wanted to sleep that stayed in bed, whimpering and hoping the pain will pass soon. I don't remember how I feel asleep again.
You are probably wondering - while in the world I am telling this wisdom tooth story here? For some reason it reminded me about numbing my pain and feelings with wine. And once this "anaesthesia" stopped - how painful it was at some moments to face the wounds of the past. And sometimes, after opening up the emotional wound, there was noting else to do, but cry and let the pain fade away.
And yet.
It's amazing how quickly the pain is forgotten. How something that seemed to be impossible is "no big deal" now.
Today I've been constantly giving myself "tough talk" for not doing enough, for cutting myself too much slack recently, for ... and so on and so far.
On my way home I look at the people in the bus and thought: "I feel like an undercover operative - such an important day for me, as important as BDay - and I never can tell anyone why I am celebrating today.
But, I have SR - my family with unconditional love.
Three years ago I reached the point when I drank 1.5-2 bottles of wine per night about 3 times a week. It was a horrible circle:
- Buying myself 1 bottle of wine (every time fooling myself that I will not even drink it up);
- Polishing it off within 1-2 hours;
- Spending about an hour rationalizing why this "last" time I can go and buy another one;
- Finally going outside (often taking dark stairs and risking to break my neck because I was aware I was flaring wine breath and was ashamed to meet neighbours in the elevator);
- walking about half and hour to another shop (shop rotating - you know what I am talking about);
- back home - just one glass.
- second bottle is gone too;
- next day feeling like I am dying;
- WHY????!!!! Why do I keep doing it? Swearing off "Never Again";
- Next day (or rather night), when feeling ok again - "I need just a couple of glasses to improve my mood and think about what I am going to do with my life";
- Repeat.
So, I pronounced to myself "scary" words "I have a problem".
I searched Internet for it. Found something like "to a woman" in AA site. Recognized myself in it.
Never was in AA though. And, to anticipate the question - my sobriety is based on hard work inside out. AA is just not the only way to the sober land.
So, I googled "Quit-drinking buddy". Top searches were "where to find a drinking buddy". No, thanks.
Further in the list there was SR. I immediately registered and started posting. And so my journey started.
3 years:
- Along with alcohol I also kicked out sugar and flour, and all the junk food out of my regimen.
- Went through heartbreakingly tough therapy - opening up childhood wounds and dealing with them in order to move forward;
- Bought my own apartment;
- Started boxing;
- Found a job;
- And the most important think - finally met my real self - after shelling off layers of pain fear and BS beliefs. Learning take every thought crossing my mind and asking "Is that true? Who said so?".
I had to take my world apart and build another one - because once the alcohol numbing was taken out of equation - the ugliness and wrongness of the old world became extremely obvious and it crashed. It was hard to let many old beliefs die - some of the were so deep rooted that I was sure they were integral part of me. And so it was very scary to "kill them". Like killing part of myself. But they were not.
It's still work in progress - identifying old beliefs and letting them die. And then the burden of past gets little bit lighter.
I wish all the members here (and those who are lurking but not a member yet) all the best along the sober road. Believe me - ditching a drink you don't lose anything - you acquire a lot.
Thank you for reading. And for tremendous unparallel support.
My hugs and love to all!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 750
And the most important think - finally met my real self - after shelling off layers of pain fear and BS beliefs. Learning take every thought crossing my mind and asking "Is that true? Who said so?".
Congrats on 3 years!
Awesome post.
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