Saffy86

Until this morning when I was hit with a wave of grief for the incredible man I have lost he was my soulmate.

It makes it so hard that I have to still see him every week so that he can see the children. Sometimes the pain of what I have lost is too much :'( I can't believe how broken he is and I still cannot quite grasp the fact that I couldn't help him

It feels like he teases me with the way he keeps saying he's going to get help and begging for my support and then the next minute he goes back to saying he has "sorted himself out" and doesn't have a problem. I am managing not to believe his words, just his actions, but there's always a ridiculous bit of hope that the man he was will come back I sound so pathetic, I know

Wish so much I didn't have to see him, but I have no choice but to put my children first. There is no one else who can do the visits instead of me. I also wish so much that I could just switch off these feelings of wanting the old him back but I don't think they will ever disappear completely.

Thank you for reading, I came on here purposely to stop myself from sending him a message because I just miss what he was so much I could kick myself, I was doing so well x

LoveMeNow

Oh Saffy, I understand! Give yourself time! Do things you love, that make you happy.

There was a time I couldn't go 3 hours, much less days without feeling the incredible sadness that addiction brings. Today, I am so grateful it is out of my life.

I hung on to hope for a long time, too long. He was numbed out, feeling nothing and I was in so much pain. I never thought I would get over him. I never thought he would continue to spiral down....but he has and I am truly over him.

Although it is very sad, I just kept telling myself....he knows where to get help. If he becomes sick and tired of his life, he can choose a different path. Apparently he isn't sick and tired of it yet but I know I am!! And you will be too....in time!!

Saffy86

Thank you so much, LoveMeNow. Your kind words mean a lot to me - just knowing that someone understands the emotional pain is so comforting.

At the moment I just can't see me ever getting over this and moving on properly. I feel as though I am just existing, not really living. It helps to know that you got there with time.....

That is so true - they know what to do if they want help and if they want to change what they are doing - just so hard to accept that they don't want to do that!! x

zoso77

Who could help him?

I bet everyone on this board has, at one point or another, gone above and beyond to try to help their loved ones. And we all ended up here.

That does not mean you failed him. That does not mean those of us here failed out loved ones. What it does mean is someone in active addiction is operating in a hermetically sealed environment and is impervious to whatever input and support we offer them. It is what it is.

Of course, knowing this won't necessarily make you feel better. But I hope knowing this allows you to stop being so hard on yourself...

FeelingGreat

Saffy, have you done the list of reasons you left him? The things that really p****d you off?
You're in danger of idealising him, but if you were together it wouldn't be quite the soul-matey experience you think.
I'm sure you know all this. You're doing the right thing, and it will get easier.

Saffy86

Oh man, it's like he is somehow linked to my brain, I've just had a message from him asking to see me and the children again this week (the agreement is 2hrs every Monday). It's like he knows I'm having a weak moment and chooses then to get in contact. Right now, I want to say "yes, lets meet up!", why do I do this to myself, he's living with his alcoholic GF, he doesn't deserve the time of day, but something won't let me let go!!! I know I am massively codependent and I am working on this, but it's hard!!!!

Thank you zoso, again it's good to know so many others have / are feeling this way! I am so very hard on myself and it does not help my recovery at all. He is definitely in a sealed environment and any attempt I have ever made to help him has bounced right off.

FeelingGreat, it was him that left me last November I found out about how serious his problem was and he left so that he could continue to do it and be in denial without me trying to fix him. But there were definitely MANY things that pissed me off - his lack of care, the way he shut down, his anger, the way he put our beautiful daughters in danger, his selfishness, gosh it actually helps writing this down!!!!!!! I guess he did me a favour..... But why does he still not leave me alone!?

FeelingGreat

Saffy why leave you alone when he expects you to come running when he calls? It must be nice to have 2 women dangling on a string. You are not there for his convenience, you have too much to do raising the girls on your own because he put himself first.

Make that list, and tell him to stick to the access agreement. Many posters on this forum have found that being 'flexible' at the request of their exes has been a one way street.

LoveMeNow

A dear friend (((Ann))) had to tell me ALOT that the only way to get through the pain was to keep walking through it. I crawled ( slow learner) through it. I never thought it would end. Then one day, I realized I really didn't hurt anymore. I wanted that light switch moment, like some have, but I never had it. It just came with time and my efforts to keep working on me! You will get there!! Just keep working on you, know matter how small it is!

Saffy86

Thank you FeelingGreat, I am trying to be so strong and the list is helping to remind me what he became and what he has done..... My friend is telling me this is all manipulation on his part, we had mediation the other day and he failed to get what he wanted (to see the children when he wishes - he was ordered to do drug and alcohol hair strand tests), she thinks this is another attempt to gain control and get what he wants without having to take any test.... All so screwed up x

Saffy86

LoveMeNow, this has really helped me right now, thank you. I long for the day I get there. I just read your other thread and it's so inspiring xx

FeelingGreat

I endorse LMN's comments; although you want the pain to stop NOW, keep plodding along, sticking to your boundaries with ex, doing things for yourself and one day you'll realise you feel much better. (Been through it)