Ortho

It's been several years since I felt the need to post, and like a lot of people, I didn't come to feel that need because of how swell things were going.

"It happens." That was pretty much the consensus of everyone after this past weekend. "It happens. We've all been there. No big deal."

A little bit of history about me is that my biggest, and perhaps my only problem, is binge drinking. I can be around alcohol and be completely fine so long as I don't start drinking it. I don't have cravings when I'm not drinking, and I realize that that alone makes me extremely fortunate.

So, I would come up with several ways to control the binging, and had convinced myself that it was working.

-only drink beer
-do not "pregame" or pre-drink
-eat a lot of food so your stomach feels full before drinking
-limit amount of alcohol in the house before you start drinking so there's only so much there to drink
-after a certain number of drinks, take a two hour break

I was also able to quit altogether for several days, weeks and even months at a time. I once tried to quit for forty days, and ended up quitting for sixty days. It was when I went on vacation to visit friends that I broke it, and when I did I implemented my methods of controlling the binging.

I once tried quitting for 100 days, and decided to keep a journal as I did it. I've had many embarrassing, shameful, and regrettable experiences that are related to drinking. I still have these, but not nearly at the rate that I used to. The idea was that at the end of each day of not drinking, I'd write a quick story about something I had done in the past, and then get up and symbolically wash my hands of it. The thinking was that I'd be able to not forget it, but accept it, and move on to a place where I wasn't haunted by it.

I never made it through the hundred days, so I relaxed the rules. It went from 100 days of no drinking, to 100 days of no drinking unless it's social, to 100 days of no drinking unless I decided to drink that day for whatever reason. I also controlling the binging at a much more relaxed rate.

I don't know how else to say this, but in the moment I like it. Drinking impairs my judgment. One of the symptoms of having my judgment impaired, is that in the moment I don't realize that it's impaired, and it's very easy to convince myself that I'm okay and actually 100 percent believe it. And, if some is good, then more is better, so I drink more and more and more and more. I'm always much worse than I think that I am. I think I can drive, interact with people, and do just about anything as if I hadn't been drinking at all. I'm not a violent drunk or a belligerent drunk or even an annoying drunk (at least not that often). I'm just drunk, and because of that no one thinks there is ever any problem.

This past weekend, I picked up a bottle of whiskey on Friday night after getting home late from work. I had all day off Saturday, there was a big sporting event that night that I'd been looking forward to for a while, and some friends of mine had planned a party at a bar. I started drinking the whiskey late Friday night, went to bed at about 4am, woke up at 8am and finished the drink from the night before, and continued drinking until the entire bottle was gone. I then drove to work for an event that was going on there that I didn't need to be at, but just felt the need to make an appearance at. I didn't really talk to anyone extensively and didn't stay long simply because I wanted to get to the bar for the big sporting event. I arrived at the bar, continued to drink heavily, and actually ended up getting sick at the bar.

This big sporting event that I'd been looking forward to for a month....I don't even remember the second half of it. I vomited right on the floor, and was then helped outside where I continued to feel sick.

I woke up at a friend's house the early the next morning with only a foggy memory of the night before. I had that extremely regretful/embarrassed/ashamed feeling that I'd felt so many times before, and I continued to play the situation over and over in my head about how much worse it could have gone. What if I'd been pulled over on my way to work? What if I'd been in an accident? What if someone from work had seen me and seen how drunk I was? (this would have not gone over well due to the kind of work that I do and being where I was), what if someone outside of my circle of friends had seen me at the bar?

So....this is what happened. I called one of the bartenders who I was friends with to apologize, and not only is he not mad. He thinks the whole thing is funny. "Nah, man. It's all good. No one's mad about it. It happens. We love havin' you in here and no worries."

That was basically the reaction of everyone.

But, I'm not to a point to where I think this was funny. I don't think I ever will be. I don't want to sound arrogant and I hope that I don't, but because I've hid it and managed it so well, I just think this was someone who overdid on one particular night so it's no big deal.

I have not had a drink since, nor have I had the urge to drink since. I don't know if there is a name or category for what it is that I have. I know the symptoms of what I have. I'm always planning on having just one more drink, and I want that one last drink a lot more than I wanted my previous drink. So, I just never stop. The only way I can stop is if I plan some sort of trick to make myself stop, and in the case of this past weekend that didn't even work.

So, I'm counting my days again. I may start writing my journal at the end of each day. It's day three. I just wanted to share with some people who may understand, which is why I decided to come back. Thanks for reading.

teatreeoil007

Good writing! Glad you came back-though sorry about the circumstance that brought you back, friend...

Jsbodhi

I've always felt " safe because my drinking didn't cost me anything except some embarrassing situations and my self respect, no DUI, job loss or anything extreme.
But this year I lost a relationship due to my drinking, and I fell and severely injured my ankle while dunk this summer.
My " not yets" have begun to happen.....
So I've stopped drinking, best to quit while we're ahead
Xoxo

CharlesG

Peace and love, self respect.
I too am kind of taken back on how, myself included, people could see each other get trashed, super wasted, doing crazy things even and tell them "It's all good. Your ok." "It Happens".
In my case I just wanted this person to feel better about themselves and the situation. No one needs someone telling them how un-safe and self-depreciating their drinking is... right?
Good energy man, stay positive.

Frank14

Thanks for sharing your story. This really is a textbook case of denial. You went into a lot of detail: you can't control your drinking, you drive while drunk, you get into embarassing situations in which you have to apologize.

"I don't know if there's a name or category for what I have?"
You're one of us.

Dee74

I'm glad to see you back Ortho

I had to pick a side in the end.

I either had to accept my drinking and all the destruction it bought in its wake, and the pain it caused me and my family...and accept things would continue to get worse...

or I had to let drinking go.

I won't lie - getting sober and staying that way meant a lot of changes, challenges and even sometimes a few tears.

But I was never alone on this journey, I had a ton of support here - and now, looking back I see getting into recovery was the best thing I ever did for myself, bar none.

I can look myself in the eyes in the mirror again. I love my life and who I am

I hope you'll decide to plant your flag with us, for good, Ortho.

D

Dropsie

Ortho,

I love Dee's line, as I often do, "I had to pick a side in the end."

We all did, and everyone who drinks too much does, even if they do not realise it.

I could really relate to your post because I have so been there.

It sounds like an over simplification, but I guess I would ask you, is it worth it??

For me, like you, drinking was like playing a game of Russian roulette, is today going to be a good day or a disaster. And even the good days, weren't really that great, and the disasters were so full of guilt and shame.

But it still took a really long time for me to ACCEPT that drinking would always be like playing Russian roulette with my self respect, my values, my life really.

And that is when I knew what I needed to do and was able to do it. You can too, but you need to accept that its never ever going to be predictably okay to drink-- it might be okay for a day, but the next day all bets are off. And when it goes wrong, the consequences are bad, and could be deadly for you or someone else.

For that reason, it was no longer worth it for me, and I am thankful every day that no one got hurt (or I should say more hurt).

Hang with us, we are good people and want to help.

sobriiestote

It sounds like it has been quite hard work for you to keep controlling your drinking, I bet at times it's exhausting.

I was never very good at controlling it and more and more often it descended into far too many, falling over in public, passing out on the sofa, it wasn't fun anymore.

You can carry on trying to control it or you can realise the control it has over you, once you've started. I'm only on day 37, a newbie at this but gosh life is pretty good so far!

Carver

" I don't know if there is a name or category for what it is that I have."

It's a drinking problem. Alcoholism maybe. It doesn't matter if you give it a name, it's just making you miserable.

It's easier to quit full stop than to moderate. I moderated every night for years. It's torture. This is a good place for help with quitting, stick around

sg1970

Alcoholism. I tried to label mine. Functional, high bottom, etc... but it all boils down to alcoholism.

Soberwolf

Nice to meet you Ortho congrats on day 3

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ful-links.html

JD

I have to totally agree with this. And denial. I could have written the OP. No dui, never lost a job, have a high paying very responsible position, etc., etc. Oh, they're is that loss of a first marriage and my health could be better but those don't really count. Yeah, it's time to admit there's a problem there and make a plan to address it. Don't wait, it doesn't get better.

jaynie04

I love Dee's comment about picking a side too. The thing is sobriety is so much easier than that dreaded wasteland when you know you have a problem but keep drinking anyways. I was a binge drinker too, the binges got worse and closer together and then I began drinking daily.

Sobriety is freeing. But, it would not have been as easy for me if I had set a certain amount of days not to drink. I would have simply bided my time, short term deprivation, like a diet.

I have been married to a normal drinker for almost 20 years. He drinks but it has never disrupted his life, caused him to make unwise decisions, he has never made plans to accommodate his drinking. He wouldn't buy a bottle of booze and sit and drink by himself like I used to do. There are vast differences between my husband me, not just in how much I drank, but even more importantly how much I thought about drinking or not drinking.

Stepping off the elevator before it reaches the basement is a wise choice. It means taking your power back. I was driving the wrong way on a highway and the longer I stalled on turning around, not only was I wasting time, I was increasing the risk of harm to myself or others.

Analyzing how we drink can keep us bogged down, and sometimes it gives us the illusion of moving forward when really we are still protecting our drinking.. Analyzing how we can get sober and stay sober is a much more prudent and positive use of energy, and it can save our lives.

The freedom I feel now because I took the option of drinking off the table is beyond what I could have imagined. Saying "I don't drink" is a powerful statement.

This past summer I was at a small dinner party with a group that had not seen me since I got sober. I knew the fact that I wasn't drinking was going to be obvious so I figured it was just better to address it head-on. When the waiter came with wine I said "I don't drink anymore guys, it wasn't doing me any favors". It was the other end of the spectrum from drinking at dinner after having already had a few, just waiting to get home and drink like I really wanted to drink.

Sobriety is everything I hoped but so much more. Having my dignity back is better than any drink or drug. I am glad I didn't wait another day, month or year to free myself from those chains. I hope you reach for the same freedom!

dcg

The name is a drinking problem.

Don't fool yourself - people who don't have a drinking problem don't do all the **** you did over the weekend. No one goes from weekend high school or college partier to daily boozer overnight; it's progressive.

Ortho

Thanks for all the replies. I work long days and have to travel a lot, so I don't always get the chance to check in.

I actually talked to a friend of mine who is a counselor today, and I really like how it went. I feel like I have a better understanding of why I do this. I really like the feeling, and then don't want the feeling to fade, so I keep drinking. In doing so, my judgment continues to become more and more impaired without me realizing it. I am then less and less able to control the situation. When I finally come out of it, I regret it because I lost control and made bad choices. I then spend days and even weeks analyzing those bad choices over and over again, as well as everything that could have possibly gone wrong.

And, as obvious as this sounds, the best way to control the situation is to stop doing that, and how good it can feel to beat it. She actually said she liked some of my old tricks and tactics. At the end of each day, it's okay to feel good that you've added to your streak of days without drinking. When you pass a liquor store, it feels good to not stop. When you're around alcohol or people who are drinking and you decide not to, it's you that's in complete control and that's a victory. And journaling at the end of each day on how you've won another day is a good idea.

I still don't like at all that I let myself slip...well....more like crash over the weekend. And, as much as I've felt ashamed of it and haunted by all the what-ifs, today was a good day in the sense that I realized a new perspective, even if that perspective seems obvious.

Peace, and thanks again for all the replies. I wish everyone the best.

Venecia

This is so spot on, Jaynie.

Ortho, how about joining the SR Class of October '15. Many of us came to view our classes as pivotal in our sobriety.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-2-a.html

Deckard

Tricking myself was not how I stopped drinking... In fact, tricking myself was how I kept drinking! It was when I got honest that I was able to stop.

bigsombrero

Hi Ortho,

Sounds like you're making some internal progress. I'm a former sports reporter and went to a huge Big 10 university and also reveled in big football games, hung out at bars, etc. I found that when I was getting sober, it was best for me to stop going to bars altogether. I know it sounds weird now, but maybe a weekend or two away from that scene will do you some good? I know you don't plan on drinking, but putting yourself in harm's way isn't a necessary stop on the road to success.

As much as "just don't drink" is a solid goal, there are some major behavioral changes that can make full-time sobriety much easier and more enjoyable. Good luck and thanks for your post, it certainly was a good read and glad to have you around!

leviathan

So much good advice on this thread.
I will only add that sobriety is not a punishment to be suffered. It is the freedom to own your actions and wake up knowing you were just fine last night. It is the freedom to enjoy things without having to sneak or plan on how you're going to "get right".

Also, dwelling in a circle of hard partiers taught me to be gentle when another acted a fool. -never know when its gonna be your turn, right? We coddled each other through suicidal foolishness and said it was a good time. Any other suggestion might hint at chilling out with the booze. No one wanted THAT...