When drinking defines you
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Richmond, VA
Posts: 21
When drinking defines you
I created an account on here years ago because I knew I had a problem. But I never came back. I got Happy Birthday emails from Sober Recovery, a yearly reminder that I still had so much work to do. After recent events, today I decided to browse around the site. When SR emailed me my username, I was completely surprised: I forget a lot of what I say and do after I've started drinking.
There's no grey area for me - when it comes to recognizing I'm powerless over alcohol. It's black and white, right down to the fact that I just go drink after drink after drink - I'm equally happy with a bottle of wine, 6+ bottles of very high ABV beer, vodka, or bourbon. I'm a 31 (almost 32) yr. old female, and I've been a heavy drinker for several years. I took a full year off in 2012 following a DUI with a BAC of .28. In that year, I was restored to sanity; my relationship was so much better; I never woke up panicked about what I said and did the night before while feeling physically ill. I experienced sober life, and while I was very depressed at first, it got better and easier.
But I went back. The demon alcohol brought me back around - because of all-inclusive vacation packages, pairing the perfect beer or wine with your meal, and the allure of enjoying a buzz after an aggravating day at work. Drinking socially isn't a problem, and going to the brewery or a vineyard with my partner is a fun and exciting thing to do. It's the alone drinking that is just... killing me and sabotaging my life.
I went back to drinking, and before long I was worse than I'd ever been before. I've been able to work from home a lot so I'd drink before my partner got home from work. She doesn't feel the compulsion to drink as much or often as I do - so I'd bulk up on the boozing while I was by myself. Then I would hide bottles in my boots until I could dispose of them properly. That night (all the nights), I'd try to cover up that I was drunk. I'd snuck in more drinks as I could in a way that's not been so stealthy at all. I'd wake up anxious as ever, piecing together the events of the night before. What did we watch on TV? Did I burn my arm while I was cooking again? Are we fighting?
A few weeks ago, my partner took a video of me in one such drunken stupor. It was a Monday or Tuesday night - I didn't remember her taking the video AT ALL, yet she says it was incredibly obvious. When you drink excessively - in my case, every day - you learn to live with a certain amount of humiliation. Humiliation because the bottles keep piling up, humiliation because you keep going back to get more; humiliation because you text and post really stupid things.
I'm here, and I am trying to take a first step toward recovery. I was in excellent shape, and now I easily have 20-30 lbs. to lose. I'm puffy and look tired all the time. My partner is deeply distrustful of me and clearly anxious of my drinking. Now she doesn't want to drink much at all - which has made me more rebellious in the binging. Because I am always a bit compulsive about where and when the next drink is coming from, I've found myself apathetic in other areas of my life. We have two puppies that we adopted in the spring that bring great joy into my life. My partner and I are engaged, and despite the fact that we've gone through a very rough patch recently (alcohol-fueled arguments), I've opened up about my drinking and promised that I was going to make it right.
As of right now, I have two bottles of vodka in the freezer that are almost completely drained - I took swigs straight from the bottle throughout the long weekend to maintain a buzz in addition to drinking beer openly - and I woke up in the middle of the night panicked that she was going to see those empty bottles. I had bizarre dreams pertaining to drinking until I woke up this morning, unrested and still full of worry about that moment of discovery. Which puts me on a tailspin of: Do I leave them there, absurdly empty? Do I go to the liquor store, buy vodka, and pour some back into the bottles so she doesn't see? I've become a liar, and the deception is not who I am. Part of me wants to just.... refill the bottles and have enough extra to get my day drunk on and assuage this terrible anxiety - ABOUT DRINKING! It's a real mess. Normally, I drink hard and fast from about 2 to 6 PM on weekdays and more creatively during the weekend.
I'm here because I'm genuinely afraid for my health. My tolerance was insane, and even then I was drinking until I was black out and pass out drunk on the daily. I want to detox and stop drinking sneakily by myself. Creating excuses to drink. Masking the drunk.
Anyway, this has been very long and for that I apologize. Thanks for reading. I'm going to continue browsing through other threads because so much is resonating with my own experiences and it's nice to feel like I'm not just alone with my obsessing over alcohol.
There's no grey area for me - when it comes to recognizing I'm powerless over alcohol. It's black and white, right down to the fact that I just go drink after drink after drink - I'm equally happy with a bottle of wine, 6+ bottles of very high ABV beer, vodka, or bourbon. I'm a 31 (almost 32) yr. old female, and I've been a heavy drinker for several years. I took a full year off in 2012 following a DUI with a BAC of .28. In that year, I was restored to sanity; my relationship was so much better; I never woke up panicked about what I said and did the night before while feeling physically ill. I experienced sober life, and while I was very depressed at first, it got better and easier.
But I went back. The demon alcohol brought me back around - because of all-inclusive vacation packages, pairing the perfect beer or wine with your meal, and the allure of enjoying a buzz after an aggravating day at work. Drinking socially isn't a problem, and going to the brewery or a vineyard with my partner is a fun and exciting thing to do. It's the alone drinking that is just... killing me and sabotaging my life.
I went back to drinking, and before long I was worse than I'd ever been before. I've been able to work from home a lot so I'd drink before my partner got home from work. She doesn't feel the compulsion to drink as much or often as I do - so I'd bulk up on the boozing while I was by myself. Then I would hide bottles in my boots until I could dispose of them properly. That night (all the nights), I'd try to cover up that I was drunk. I'd snuck in more drinks as I could in a way that's not been so stealthy at all. I'd wake up anxious as ever, piecing together the events of the night before. What did we watch on TV? Did I burn my arm while I was cooking again? Are we fighting?
A few weeks ago, my partner took a video of me in one such drunken stupor. It was a Monday or Tuesday night - I didn't remember her taking the video AT ALL, yet she says it was incredibly obvious. When you drink excessively - in my case, every day - you learn to live with a certain amount of humiliation. Humiliation because the bottles keep piling up, humiliation because you keep going back to get more; humiliation because you text and post really stupid things.
I'm here, and I am trying to take a first step toward recovery. I was in excellent shape, and now I easily have 20-30 lbs. to lose. I'm puffy and look tired all the time. My partner is deeply distrustful of me and clearly anxious of my drinking. Now she doesn't want to drink much at all - which has made me more rebellious in the binging. Because I am always a bit compulsive about where and when the next drink is coming from, I've found myself apathetic in other areas of my life. We have two puppies that we adopted in the spring that bring great joy into my life. My partner and I are engaged, and despite the fact that we've gone through a very rough patch recently (alcohol-fueled arguments), I've opened up about my drinking and promised that I was going to make it right.
As of right now, I have two bottles of vodka in the freezer that are almost completely drained - I took swigs straight from the bottle throughout the long weekend to maintain a buzz in addition to drinking beer openly - and I woke up in the middle of the night panicked that she was going to see those empty bottles. I had bizarre dreams pertaining to drinking until I woke up this morning, unrested and still full of worry about that moment of discovery. Which puts me on a tailspin of: Do I leave them there, absurdly empty? Do I go to the liquor store, buy vodka, and pour some back into the bottles so she doesn't see? I've become a liar, and the deception is not who I am. Part of me wants to just.... refill the bottles and have enough extra to get my day drunk on and assuage this terrible anxiety - ABOUT DRINKING! It's a real mess. Normally, I drink hard and fast from about 2 to 6 PM on weekdays and more creatively during the weekend.
I'm here because I'm genuinely afraid for my health. My tolerance was insane, and even then I was drinking until I was black out and pass out drunk on the daily. I want to detox and stop drinking sneakily by myself. Creating excuses to drink. Masking the drunk.
Anyway, this has been very long and for that I apologize. Thanks for reading. I'm going to continue browsing through other threads because so much is resonating with my own experiences and it's nice to feel like I'm not just alone with my obsessing over alcohol.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome back doorinthefloor. I understand completely how things can go from bad to worse to hell in a hurry. I drank for 2 decades plus, stopped several times, and eventually ended up as a every day binge drinker. It was quite amazing to me ( at the time ) how each return to drinking was worse than the last, and eventually I didn't even get hangovers anymore and just went into straight withdrawals every day ( heart palpiations, racing pulse, etc ) unless I drank. My anxiety at the end was through the roof too...I drank because i HAD to, not because I wanted to.
My solution was to finally accept my addiction and get COMPLETELY honest with myself and my doctor/family. It was the only way to get past the obsession and anxiety. Especially if you have health concerns, i'd highly recommend seeing your doc and just telling the whole story. You will be amazed at how relieving it can be, and you can get some solid advice on how to quit safely.
My solution was to finally accept my addiction and get COMPLETELY honest with myself and my doctor/family. It was the only way to get past the obsession and anxiety. Especially if you have health concerns, i'd highly recommend seeing your doc and just telling the whole story. You will be amazed at how relieving it can be, and you can get some solid advice on how to quit safely.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: North Ga
Posts: 251
Sounds like you know what you need to do. You've tried to ease back into drinking and it got worse than ever as you say. I quit for 15 months about 6 years ago, started drinking again and it became a nightly show. I stopped again and made it 6 days until Saturday. I'm back on the wagon on day three and I haven't felt better in I don't know when.
I too think about those "special times" that I know I'll want to drink. I think that is just our alcoholism trying to trick us into saying there is no use in even trying which we all know- you cannot afford to not put your best foot forward. One day at a time.
I too think about those "special times" that I know I'll want to drink. I think that is just our alcoholism trying to trick us into saying there is no use in even trying which we all know- you cannot afford to not put your best foot forward. One day at a time.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 51
Originally Posted by doorinthefloor 
I created an account on here years ago because I knew I had a problem. But I never came back. I got Happy Birthday emails from Sober Recovery, a yearly reminder that I still had so much work to do. After recent events, today I decided to browse around the site. When SR emailed me my username, I was completely surprised: I forget a lot of what I say and do after I've started drinking.
There's no grey area for me - when it comes to recognizing I'm powerless over alcohol. It's black and white, right down to the fact that I just go drink after drink after drink - I'm equally happy with a bottle of wine, 6+ bottles of very high ABV beer, vodka, or bourbon. I'm a 31 (almost 32) yr. old female, and I've been a heavy drinker for several years. I took a full year off in 2012 following a DUI with a BAC of .28. In that year, I was restored to sanity; my relationship was so much better; I never woke up panicked about what I said and did the night before while feeling physically ill. I experienced sober life, and while I was very depressed at first, it got better and easier.
But I went back. The demon alcohol brought me back around - because of all-inclusive vacation packages, pairing the perfect beer or wine with your meal, and the allure of enjoying a buzz after an aggravating day at work. Drinking socially isn't a problem, and going to the brewery or a vineyard with my partner is a fun and exciting thing to do. It's the alone drinking that is just... killing me and sabotaging my life.
I went back to drinking, and before long I was worse than I'd ever been before. I've been able to work from home a lot so I'd drink before my partner got home from work. She doesn't feel the compulsion to drink as much or often as I do - so I'd bulk up on the boozing while I was by myself. Then I would hide bottles in my boots until I could dispose of them properly. That night (all the nights), I'd try to cover up that I was drunk. I'd snuck in more drinks as I could in a way that's not been so stealthy at all. I'd wake up anxious as ever, piecing together the events of the night before. What did we watch on TV? Did I burn my arm while I was cooking again? Are we fighting?
A few weeks ago, my partner took a video of me in one such drunken stupor. It was a Monday or Tuesday night - I didn't remember her taking the video AT ALL, yet she says it was incredibly obvious. When you drink excessively - in my case, every day - you learn to live with a certain amount of humiliation. Humiliation because the bottles keep piling up, humiliation because you keep going back to get more; humiliation because you text and post really stupid things.
I'm here, and I am trying to take a first step toward recovery. I was in excellent shape, and now I easily have 20-30 lbs. to lose. I'm puffy and look tired all the time. My partner is deeply distrustful of me and clearly anxious of my drinking. Now she doesn't want to drink much at all - which has made me more rebellious in the binging. Because I am always a bit compulsive about where and when the next drink is coming from, I've found myself apathetic in other areas of my life. We have two puppies that we adopted in the spring that bring great joy into my life. My partner and I are engaged, and despite the fact that we've gone through a very rough patch recently (alcohol-fueled arguments), I've opened up about my drinking and promised that I was going to make it right.
As of right now, I have two bottles of vodka in the freezer that are almost completely drained - I took swigs straight from the bottle throughout the long weekend to maintain a buzz in addition to drinking beer openly - and I woke up in the middle of the night panicked that she was going to see those empty bottles. I had bizarre dreams pertaining to drinking until I woke up this morning, unrested and still full of worry about that moment of discovery. Which puts me on a tailspin of: Do I leave them there, absurdly empty? Do I go to the liquor store, buy vodka, and pour some back into the bottles so she doesn't see? I've become a liar, and the deception is not who I am. Part of me wants to just.... refill the bottles and have enough extra to get my day drunk on and assuage this terrible anxiety - ABOUT DRINKING! It's a real mess. Normally, I drink hard and fast from about 2 to 6 PM on weekdays and more creatively during the weekend.
I'm here because I'm genuinely afraid for my health. My tolerance was insane, and even then I was drinking until I was black out and pass out drunk on the daily. I want to detox and stop drinking sneakily by myself. Creating excuses to drink. Masking the drunk.
Anyway, this has been very long and for that I apologize. Thanks for reading. I'm going to continue browsing through other threads because so much is resonating with my own experiences and it's nice to feel like I'm not just alone with my obsessing over alcohol.
There's no grey area for me - when it comes to recognizing I'm powerless over alcohol. It's black and white, right down to the fact that I just go drink after drink after drink - I'm equally happy with a bottle of wine, 6+ bottles of very high ABV beer, vodka, or bourbon. I'm a 31 (almost 32) yr. old female, and I've been a heavy drinker for several years. I took a full year off in 2012 following a DUI with a BAC of .28. In that year, I was restored to sanity; my relationship was so much better; I never woke up panicked about what I said and did the night before while feeling physically ill. I experienced sober life, and while I was very depressed at first, it got better and easier.
But I went back. The demon alcohol brought me back around - because of all-inclusive vacation packages, pairing the perfect beer or wine with your meal, and the allure of enjoying a buzz after an aggravating day at work. Drinking socially isn't a problem, and going to the brewery or a vineyard with my partner is a fun and exciting thing to do. It's the alone drinking that is just... killing me and sabotaging my life.
I went back to drinking, and before long I was worse than I'd ever been before. I've been able to work from home a lot so I'd drink before my partner got home from work. She doesn't feel the compulsion to drink as much or often as I do - so I'd bulk up on the boozing while I was by myself. Then I would hide bottles in my boots until I could dispose of them properly. That night (all the nights), I'd try to cover up that I was drunk. I'd snuck in more drinks as I could in a way that's not been so stealthy at all. I'd wake up anxious as ever, piecing together the events of the night before. What did we watch on TV? Did I burn my arm while I was cooking again? Are we fighting?
A few weeks ago, my partner took a video of me in one such drunken stupor. It was a Monday or Tuesday night - I didn't remember her taking the video AT ALL, yet she says it was incredibly obvious. When you drink excessively - in my case, every day - you learn to live with a certain amount of humiliation. Humiliation because the bottles keep piling up, humiliation because you keep going back to get more; humiliation because you text and post really stupid things.
I'm here, and I am trying to take a first step toward recovery. I was in excellent shape, and now I easily have 20-30 lbs. to lose. I'm puffy and look tired all the time. My partner is deeply distrustful of me and clearly anxious of my drinking. Now she doesn't want to drink much at all - which has made me more rebellious in the binging. Because I am always a bit compulsive about where and when the next drink is coming from, I've found myself apathetic in other areas of my life. We have two puppies that we adopted in the spring that bring great joy into my life. My partner and I are engaged, and despite the fact that we've gone through a very rough patch recently (alcohol-fueled arguments), I've opened up about my drinking and promised that I was going to make it right.
As of right now, I have two bottles of vodka in the freezer that are almost completely drained - I took swigs straight from the bottle throughout the long weekend to maintain a buzz in addition to drinking beer openly - and I woke up in the middle of the night panicked that she was going to see those empty bottles. I had bizarre dreams pertaining to drinking until I woke up this morning, unrested and still full of worry about that moment of discovery. Which puts me on a tailspin of: Do I leave them there, absurdly empty? Do I go to the liquor store, buy vodka, and pour some back into the bottles so she doesn't see? I've become a liar, and the deception is not who I am. Part of me wants to just.... refill the bottles and have enough extra to get my day drunk on and assuage this terrible anxiety - ABOUT DRINKING! It's a real mess. Normally, I drink hard and fast from about 2 to 6 PM on weekdays and more creatively during the weekend.
I'm here because I'm genuinely afraid for my health. My tolerance was insane, and even then I was drinking until I was black out and pass out drunk on the daily. I want to detox and stop drinking sneakily by myself. Creating excuses to drink. Masking the drunk.
Anyway, this has been very long and for that I apologize. Thanks for reading. I'm going to continue browsing through other threads because so much is resonating with my own experiences and it's nice to feel like I'm not just alone with my obsessing over alcohol.
I really hope you stick around and share more about your recovery. Knowing that there's somebody out there dealing with many of the same problems is encouraging. We can both do this.
How about we make a deal? I won't drink today if you won't. And I'll be on here tomorrow morning to let you know that I made it.
Thanks a ton for sharing your story in so much detail. I've honestly never read a introduction post that I could relate to so much.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: WI
Posts: 529
A lot of what you posted is familiar to me. Very familiar.
I'd take straight pulls from a bottle of vodka each time I'd go into the kitchen. And I found many excuses to be in the kitchen. By 7 p.m., I'd be far enough gone that I wouldn't remember what I did the next day--until I logged onto Facebook or email. I was very good at posting stupid stuff in both places while loaded.
Humiliation doesn't begin to describe what I felt. "Horrified" comes closer.
I'd take straight pulls from a bottle of vodka each time I'd go into the kitchen. And I found many excuses to be in the kitchen. By 7 p.m., I'd be far enough gone that I wouldn't remember what I did the next day--until I logged onto Facebook or email. I was very good at posting stupid stuff in both places while loaded.
Humiliation doesn't begin to describe what I felt. "Horrified" comes closer.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Richmond, VA
Posts: 21
You have yourself a deal, Strong. The word "scheme" really resonated a lot with me - and showed me right away that you know exactly how this feels. How the drinking is both the problem and the crutch to manage the problem. It's a vicious cycle, and up until today, I've been refusing to even try to break it. Your post has encouraged me to not somehow impossibly figure out how to escape this drinking drama - something that is typically inevitable in the pattern. Thank you so very much.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Richmond, VA
Posts: 21
It's a deal
Originally Posted by StrongEnough
Your story touched me on so many levels. I can relate to your exact pattern of drinking in secret to mask the anxiety you feel about the last time you drank openly. Always planning and lying to maintain a facade of health that nobody even believes anymore. The pain of seeing the person you love the most at the end of her rope and STILL scheming to get just a little more. It's really remarkable how similar our stories seem to be.
I really hope you stick around and share more about your recovery. Knowing that there's somebody out there dealing with many of the same problems is encouraging. We can both do this.
How about we make a deal? I won't drink today if you won't. And I'll be on here tomorrow morning to let you know that I made it.
Thanks a ton for sharing your story in so much detail. I've honestly never read a introduction post that I could relate to so much.
I really hope you stick around and share more about your recovery. Knowing that there's somebody out there dealing with many of the same problems is encouraging. We can both do this.
How about we make a deal? I won't drink today if you won't. And I'll be on here tomorrow morning to let you know that I made it.
Thanks a ton for sharing your story in so much detail. I've honestly never read a introduction post that I could relate to so much.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 22
Hi doorinthefloor,
My story is eerily similar to yours. I just turned 32 (female) and engaged to my partner (also female). I have had 2 or 3 long stretches of sobriety crippled by failed attempts to return to "normal" social drinking behavior. Each time, within 6 to 9 months of drinking, I end up with a DUI or a black out fight, etc etc etc. I'm on day 16 today and know that I need to stay sober for good this time, but am still having a hard time accepting that I can't tour a vineyard, or pop into one of the many amazing bars around here for a beer. I'm just trying to take it one day at a time. Feel free to message me if you want to connect. I'm not very active on these boards, but I read a lot. I hope you stick around.
My story is eerily similar to yours. I just turned 32 (female) and engaged to my partner (also female). I have had 2 or 3 long stretches of sobriety crippled by failed attempts to return to "normal" social drinking behavior. Each time, within 6 to 9 months of drinking, I end up with a DUI or a black out fight, etc etc etc. I'm on day 16 today and know that I need to stay sober for good this time, but am still having a hard time accepting that I can't tour a vineyard, or pop into one of the many amazing bars around here for a beer. I'm just trying to take it one day at a time. Feel free to message me if you want to connect. I'm not very active on these boards, but I read a lot. I hope you stick around.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Richmond, VA
Posts: 21
Horrified, too
Originally Posted by JD4010
A lot of what you posted is familiar to me. Very familiar.
I'd take straight pulls from a bottle of vodka each time I'd go into the kitchen. And I found many excuses to be in the kitchen. By 7 p.m., I'd be far enough gone that I wouldn't remember what I did the next day--until I logged onto Facebook or email. I was very good at posting stupid stuff in both places while loaded.
Humiliation doesn't begin to describe what I felt. "Horrified" comes closer.
I'd take straight pulls from a bottle of vodka each time I'd go into the kitchen. And I found many excuses to be in the kitchen. By 7 p.m., I'd be far enough gone that I wouldn't remember what I did the next day--until I logged onto Facebook or email. I was very good at posting stupid stuff in both places while loaded.
Humiliation doesn't begin to describe what I felt. "Horrified" comes closer.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Richmond, VA
Posts: 21
Very eerie
Originally Posted by CoveredInRain
Hi doorinthefloor,
My story is eerily similar to yours. I just turned 32 (female) and engaged to my partner (also female). I have had 2 or 3 long stretches of sobriety crippled by failed attempts to return to "normal" social drinking behavior. Each time, within 6 to 9 months of drinking, I end up with a DUI or a black out fight, etc etc etc. I'm on day 16 today and know that I need to stay sober for good this time, but am still having a hard time accepting that I can't tour a vineyard, or pop into one of the many amazing bars around here for a beer. I'm just trying to take it one day at a time. Feel free to message me if you want to connect. I'm not very active on these boards, but I read a lot. I hope you stick around.
My story is eerily similar to yours. I just turned 32 (female) and engaged to my partner (also female). I have had 2 or 3 long stretches of sobriety crippled by failed attempts to return to "normal" social drinking behavior. Each time, within 6 to 9 months of drinking, I end up with a DUI or a black out fight, etc etc etc. I'm on day 16 today and know that I need to stay sober for good this time, but am still having a hard time accepting that I can't tour a vineyard, or pop into one of the many amazing bars around here for a beer. I'm just trying to take it one day at a time. Feel free to message me if you want to connect. I'm not very active on these boards, but I read a lot. I hope you stick around.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 51
Originally Posted by doorinthefloor
You have yourself a deal, Strong. The word "scheme" really resonated a lot with me - and showed me right away that you know exactly how this feels. How the drinking is both the problem and the crutch to manage the problem. It's a vicious cycle, and up until today, I've been refusing to even try to break it. Your post has encouraged me to not somehow impossibly figure out how to escape this drinking drama - something that is typically inevitable in the pattern. Thank you so very much.
And if I'm not sober, I'll own up to it. Committing to honesty in every part of my life is part of my recovery plan and I think it could help you too. But I have a good feeling that I'll be able to hold my head high and tell the truth tomorrow.
That said, I'll make sure to think of this post when the cravings inevitably start up today, tomorrow, or later this week. I hope you can too. And I hope you know that you're genuinely not alone in your experiences. I know that now more than ever, so thanks again.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: New England
Posts: 155
Originally Posted by doorinthefloor
When you drink excessively - in my case, every day - you learn to live with a certain amount of humiliation. Humiliation because the bottles keep piling up, humiliation because you keep going back to get more; humiliation because you text and post really stupid things.
The humiliation, oh the humiliation. It was 24/7 for me. It took a while before I was able to even face myself in the mirror, but I did and I have a ton more respect for myself now. Finally.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by doorinthefloor
First off, I'm not sure if I've been replying in the correct place to comments on my post - so hopefully I'll figure that out soon. Your circumstances being so similar to mine - I am definitely going to shoot you a message. For someone who has a seasoned appreciation for craft beer, in particular, I'm not sure how I'm going to make the leap between completely inappropriate drinking and pretending I can drink in moderation socially. Here I am on Day One - with empty vodka bottles in my freezer and the anxiety of doing damage control - and I'm thinking.... we're probably going to Italy for our honeymoon. Wine tastings! Liminocellos! How am I going to do this?
Hahaha we are in the same boat! We are going to Playa del Carmen and Tulum, Mexico. I used to daydream about sitting in a hammock with a drink in hand....and now I'm trying hard not to think about how "lame" a sober vacation in Mexico will be and just appreciate the fact that I will get to REMEMBER it and come home still married! lol
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: sydney nsw
Posts: 785
Same here. Me and wine in a coffee cup first thing in the morning on the weekends. Day 9 sober. Been drinking for 30 years with only 1 month stint sober. You can do this.
You need sit down and tell your partner how bad this problem is for you. That is what I told my partner. I said I don't need a lecture or screaming. Just give me your support and I will give sobriety a 100% go. You need to be totally honest and open about it or it will not work. I told him about my "morning coffees"I told him how alcohol was controlling me (he knew anyway).
I miss the bars,drugs,alcohol. But not enough to lose everything. Good luck x
You need sit down and tell your partner how bad this problem is for you. That is what I told my partner. I said I don't need a lecture or screaming. Just give me your support and I will give sobriety a 100% go. You need to be totally honest and open about it or it will not work. I told him about my "morning coffees"I told him how alcohol was controlling me (he knew anyway).
I miss the bars,drugs,alcohol. But not enough to lose everything. Good luck x
now's the time
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
I'm a woman your age and I was stuck in the same pattern, too. My boyfriend and I don't live together, so it was spread between him and my roommates. I know the feeling you have about the vodka bottles so well. I was stuck in that pattern... when drunk, I'd swig from my roommate's bottles. Wake up the next morning, spend the whole day worrying about it, and rush to the liquor store after work to get a replacement bottle. And then whatever was left after filling the old bottle, I'd just start drinking until eventually I'd end up sneaking drinks from the bottle I'd just filled up. Ugh. And when I was staying at my boyfriend's place, about half the week, I'd make sure to bring bags that had interior zip pockets so that I could have a bottle in there. And then I'd have to take my bag into the bathroom with me so I could keep sipping. If I ran out I'd have to invent some errand so that I could run down the street to the corner store. And yes, also the waking up and realizing that we'd had some big argument that I could only vaguely remember.
I used to worry that I'd get into a car accident or something, and someone would go into my closet to get clothes to bring to the hospital, and they'd find all the empties waiting to go out to the recycling.
I just hit 90 days sober. Like you, I had a sober stretch in the past... about 8 months 2-3 years ago. It took about a month, but gradually as I stayed sober I became that person that I remembered being. I'm still not quite there yet, but every week that goes by I feel more like her than like the person I was in between.
You can get back here, too! The first time I got sober, I still felt really strange about not drinking for a long time. This time, now that I've seen how much worse I got after going back, I feel so comfortable with my decision. I know that the last time I thought I'd just drink this one time, it lead to another 2 years of drinking and physical illness. I still get cravings, but when they hit it's oh hell no. It's not easy, but it's easier.
Have you thought about seeing your doctor to get meds for an at-home detox? Kindling is definitely a real thing and I found that having quit at least 7 times now, this last time the withdrawals were really scary. After one failed attempt I ended up going to a detox center. So much easier, and safer.
I used to worry that I'd get into a car accident or something, and someone would go into my closet to get clothes to bring to the hospital, and they'd find all the empties waiting to go out to the recycling.
I just hit 90 days sober. Like you, I had a sober stretch in the past... about 8 months 2-3 years ago. It took about a month, but gradually as I stayed sober I became that person that I remembered being. I'm still not quite there yet, but every week that goes by I feel more like her than like the person I was in between.
You can get back here, too! The first time I got sober, I still felt really strange about not drinking for a long time. This time, now that I've seen how much worse I got after going back, I feel so comfortable with my decision. I know that the last time I thought I'd just drink this one time, it lead to another 2 years of drinking and physical illness. I still get cravings, but when they hit it's oh hell no. It's not easy, but it's easier.
Have you thought about seeing your doctor to get meds for an at-home detox? Kindling is definitely a real thing and I found that having quit at least 7 times now, this last time the withdrawals were really scary. After one failed attempt I ended up going to a detox center. So much easier, and safer.
now's the time
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
Oh also! I love certain beers and wines and fancy liqueurs, and going to vineyards, and trying new drinks while visiting other countries. That's still hard. But I've found myself transferring that onto food. I've been so much more creative in my cooking, and I've been just going nuts with all the fresh fall produce. At least for me, drinking totally ruined my appetite. So getting to enjoy food this much kind of makes up for the drinks that I miss.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Midwest
Posts: 346
Wow. Another person that drinks just like me and is still alive. This site is chock full. On a serious note, Sobriety absolutely must come first. I'm a generation ahead of you and a 2 month binge made me pretty ill--like flu, can't see well, both lower quads aching ill. So I'm detoxing. I can only manage months now instead of years cuz the body just can't remove the toxins--simple math. I wish you the best in figuring out that none of those occaisions or foods will be fun at all with booze involved. It's just always more. Anything which does not sate can't be all that good. Best wishes on finding the will to live.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Welcome back DoorintheFloor nice to meet you I think having a plan to stay sober will really help its vital in my book here are some links to help build a plan
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ful-links.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ful-links.html
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Richmond, VA
Posts: 21
Honesty
Originally Posted by sydneyman
Same here. Me and wine in a coffee cup first thing in the morning on the weekends. Day 9 sober. Been drinking for 30 years with only 1 month stint sober. You can do this.
You need sit down and tell your partner how bad this problem is for you. That is what I told my partner. I said I don't need a lecture or screaming. Just give me your support and I will give sobriety a 100% go. You need to be totally honest and open about it or it will not work. I told him about my "morning coffees"I told him how alcohol was controlling me (he knew anyway).
I miss the bars,drugs,alcohol. But not enough to lose everything. Good luck x
You need sit down and tell your partner how bad this problem is for you. That is what I told my partner. I said I don't need a lecture or screaming. Just give me your support and I will give sobriety a 100% go. You need to be totally honest and open about it or it will not work. I told him about my "morning coffees"I told him how alcohol was controlling me (he knew anyway).
I miss the bars,drugs,alcohol. But not enough to lose everything. Good luck x
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,837
I'm a 32 year old female wine binge drinker 
I wasn't hiding, but I would ditch my boyfriend because I knew he didn't want to drink with me because I'd be horrible, so still scheming, just in other ways, the lying about being busy so I could drink in peace.
And yes, the texts etc, I would wake up and reach for my phone in a panic, or check if I made any calls- and how long were those calls.......
At the end I stopped reading what I wrote and just deleted it because I couldn't bear anymore humiliation.
You can do this! We all can xoxo
I wasn't hiding, but I would ditch my boyfriend because I knew he didn't want to drink with me because I'd be horrible, so still scheming, just in other ways, the lying about being busy so I could drink in peace.
And yes, the texts etc, I would wake up and reach for my phone in a panic, or check if I made any calls- and how long were those calls.......
At the end I stopped reading what I wrote and just deleted it because I couldn't bear anymore humiliation.
You can do this! We all can xoxo
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