Family Issues
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Join Date: Oct 2015
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Family Issues
This is my first post. Brief synopsis - how much to limit contact with addicted brother, and other dysfunctional family issues. There are much bigger issues with my brother than what I am writing about today, but this is what is on my mind now. I hope this is an ok place to write about this and apologize if I ramble.
I am 32 and he is 29. For the past 14 or 15 years he has been in and out of trouble and using. He doesn't have one drug of choice, rather whatever he can get his hands on. For a long time it was pills (Xanax, oxy, etc), at one time it was crack, at one time it was heroin. It is always drinking. He has never held a job for more than a short time and only occasionally lived away from my mother. He has no possessions and always loses everything. He has been arrested many many times and been to prison twice (about 1.5 years each time). His arrests have all been for non-violent things - theft, fraud, etc. Currently he has been out for 6 months and was already arrested with the charges later dropped for DUI and hit/run with damage only (no other people involved). He is not working or doing anything to look for a job. As soon as he has any money he uses again anyway.
He has generally given up on life and hates himself. My parents are worried that if he is arrested again for something serious he will go to prison for a long time (i.e. three strikes). My mom recently arranged to have him evaluated and he was approved to go to a six month rehab but had to wait for a bed to open up. He was supposed to call everyday to see if there was an opening. I don't think he called once. My mom had been calling for him, but has stopped now. My mom has enabled him for years. She will kick him out and let him back in a day later, pay any fines, etc. My parents are still married but my dad previously moved about four hours from where my mom and brother are and 1.5 hours from me. I used to and maybe sometimes still do think less of him for that. But other times I understand. My parents just don't know what do to and don't understand how my brother has come to this.
That was all background. I've got two daughters, 4 and almost 1. He's met my youngest daughter once and my older daughter only a couple times. We are having a small party for my daughter's 1st Birthday this Saturday. My wife doesn't want my brother to be there.
This will cause problems between my parents and me. My brother has not been around much in the last several years and is not a part of my daughters' lives. My wife says she will feel uncomfortable and him being there will overshadow our daughter's birthday. She says that his behavior has made him unfit to be around our girls and there have to be consequences to his behavior.
I see many sides to this. I absolutely agree that his behavior (drug use, attitude, etc) are not acceptable. I agree there have to be consequences. However I see a difference between accepting it and continuing to enable him as my mom does, and prohibiting him from being a part of my daughters birthday party. I think he already feels unwanted and alone and that is partly why he uses. I think specifically excluding him will help to justify those feelings. I don't think for a second he will think about his previous behavior and understand that is why he isn't welcome, even if we explicitly tell him that. I have told my thoughts to my wife and she says that she didn't put him in this position, he did.
There has previously been friction between my wife and me, my parents and me, and my wife and my parents. Much of it is about the
amount of time we spend with my wife's family compared to how much time we spend with my parents. My wife has two other sisters, each with a boyfriend/husband and are all loud and generally take over a room when they are present. My parents, me and my brother are quieter. So yes, there is more going on, etc. when we go visit her family, etc. Also my parents annoy my wife and she doesn't hide that from me. Prohibiting my brother from attending will not sit well with my parents and I could see them not attending, which would further cause problems between my wife and them. Or I could be wrong.
So anyways I wanted to get others' thoughts on whether keeping my brother away is the best thing for everyone, or what. This also probably applies to having him around in my and my daughters' lives in general. My wife's mind won't change and he won't be here Saturday either way. I am kind of wishing we could just cancel it (all because of my brother), which won't happen and isn't fair to my daughter.
I am 32 and he is 29. For the past 14 or 15 years he has been in and out of trouble and using. He doesn't have one drug of choice, rather whatever he can get his hands on. For a long time it was pills (Xanax, oxy, etc), at one time it was crack, at one time it was heroin. It is always drinking. He has never held a job for more than a short time and only occasionally lived away from my mother. He has no possessions and always loses everything. He has been arrested many many times and been to prison twice (about 1.5 years each time). His arrests have all been for non-violent things - theft, fraud, etc. Currently he has been out for 6 months and was already arrested with the charges later dropped for DUI and hit/run with damage only (no other people involved). He is not working or doing anything to look for a job. As soon as he has any money he uses again anyway.
He has generally given up on life and hates himself. My parents are worried that if he is arrested again for something serious he will go to prison for a long time (i.e. three strikes). My mom recently arranged to have him evaluated and he was approved to go to a six month rehab but had to wait for a bed to open up. He was supposed to call everyday to see if there was an opening. I don't think he called once. My mom had been calling for him, but has stopped now. My mom has enabled him for years. She will kick him out and let him back in a day later, pay any fines, etc. My parents are still married but my dad previously moved about four hours from where my mom and brother are and 1.5 hours from me. I used to and maybe sometimes still do think less of him for that. But other times I understand. My parents just don't know what do to and don't understand how my brother has come to this.
That was all background. I've got two daughters, 4 and almost 1. He's met my youngest daughter once and my older daughter only a couple times. We are having a small party for my daughter's 1st Birthday this Saturday. My wife doesn't want my brother to be there.
This will cause problems between my parents and me. My brother has not been around much in the last several years and is not a part of my daughters' lives. My wife says she will feel uncomfortable and him being there will overshadow our daughter's birthday. She says that his behavior has made him unfit to be around our girls and there have to be consequences to his behavior.
I see many sides to this. I absolutely agree that his behavior (drug use, attitude, etc) are not acceptable. I agree there have to be consequences. However I see a difference between accepting it and continuing to enable him as my mom does, and prohibiting him from being a part of my daughters birthday party. I think he already feels unwanted and alone and that is partly why he uses. I think specifically excluding him will help to justify those feelings. I don't think for a second he will think about his previous behavior and understand that is why he isn't welcome, even if we explicitly tell him that. I have told my thoughts to my wife and she says that she didn't put him in this position, he did.
There has previously been friction between my wife and me, my parents and me, and my wife and my parents. Much of it is about the
amount of time we spend with my wife's family compared to how much time we spend with my parents. My wife has two other sisters, each with a boyfriend/husband and are all loud and generally take over a room when they are present. My parents, me and my brother are quieter. So yes, there is more going on, etc. when we go visit her family, etc. Also my parents annoy my wife and she doesn't hide that from me. Prohibiting my brother from attending will not sit well with my parents and I could see them not attending, which would further cause problems between my wife and them. Or I could be wrong.
So anyways I wanted to get others' thoughts on whether keeping my brother away is the best thing for everyone, or what. This also probably applies to having him around in my and my daughters' lives in general. My wife's mind won't change and he won't be here Saturday either way. I am kind of wishing we could just cancel it (all because of my brother), which won't happen and isn't fair to my daughter.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Originally Posted by Nwc01 
I should note that he would never use around my daughters and he would be respectful, etc. in our house.
I believe many of us could share that at one time we believed "on they would never . . . " but they did
Yes, I know that there are exceptions to everything so hopefully your brother will be the exception. . .
This is not an easy decision, praying & asking your Higher Power to lead you to what is the healthiest thing for your family.
wishing you the best
pink hugs (hope, unity, gratitude & serenity)
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
I think you need to be a parent before you are a brother. This is your daughter's birthday, and the focus should be on her.
Maybe try another occasion to see if your brother can behave well enough to be around small children.
ShootingStar1
Maybe try another occasion to see if your brother can behave well enough to be around small children.
ShootingStar1
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
I think it is fair to honor your wife's boundaries regarding having an active addict of whatever is handy in your house and at a baby bday party.
Tell your brother this boundary yourself. Don't blame it on your wife. She is wise here and it will save you grief. Grief if he steals. Grief if there's drama. Grief with your wife. Grief with your in laws.
Tell your brother this boundary yourself. Don't blame it on your wife. She is wise here and it will save you grief. Grief if he steals. Grief if there's drama. Grief with your wife. Grief with your in laws.
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