kfa2004

Well I have really lost it now. My AH and his girlfriend took my kids and her grandkids to Six Flags this weekend. I thought I was doing OK. All of my earlier feelings of HATE and Other things for the B.... had died down and I thought I had them under control.
Well my AH brought the kids home, he had her grandkids with him but not her, and we made it through the unloading and him leaving. OH and before he left he handed me his bills to pay, after all he hasn't had a job in 2 years. Then my daughter showed me the picture they had brought in and it had that B...in it standing by MY HUSBAND. I lost it. Told the kid I didn't not want that person's picture in my house, etc., etc. They had dropped her off at the gas station in town. I feel so terrible. It is not my kids fault why did I loose it with them. I have been trying so hard not to let my negative feelings spill over onto them. The only excuse I have is that it hurt so bad to see her in that picture. He had to know how much that was going to hurt me. He had to.

TinyVoice

whenever I lose it with my kids....I go back and talk to them about it. Tell them that even mommies are human and have emotions and dont' always say exactly what we mean. I had to tell my oldest daughter that I was taking my frustrations out on her today and I knew it wasn't fair and I was sorry. It's ok to be human.

WOW...let's see.........get a stack of HIS bills and get a pic with him and HIS girlfriend. Ummmm....who wouldn't blow a gasket??? I think you did pretty darned well. And instead of beating yourself up, you should feel pretty darned good about how you handled it. I probably would have created a scene during the drop-off. Go talk to your kids. You'll feel so much better.

******{HUGS}}}}

kfa2004

Thank you TinyVoice. I took a few minutes to get myself under control and did go talk to my kids. I told them I was really sorry for taking my feelings out on them and that I would try to do better in the future. I tried to explain that I love their Dad and that seeing that picture just really hurt. They gave me a hug and said it was OK but I still feel guilty. It is not their fault. Then my AH just called and had them both talk to HER on the phone and tell HER how much they enjoyed the weekend. I can't win today.

TinyVoice

ahhh...but you ARE the winner! YOu are the healthy one that is rising above all his petty games. YOU are the winner in the kids' eyes. and in mine too. YOU are paying the bills, you are the responsible one. YOU still have feelings for the father of your children.

YOU are the winner big time!!!!!!!!! Don't ever forget that.

smoke gets in my eyes

I'm sorry. I've missed something. WHY are you paying his bills?

kfa2004

Smoke. That is an excellent question. I am paying these particular bills because my name is still on the accounts. I have tried to have them remove my name and can't get it done without a divorce decree. So I pay them to protect MY GOOD NAME. We have had a lot of financial problems with him getting laid off two years ago and not having a job since. I was very Ill for nine months of last year and could not work. The doctor finally let me go back to work in November and I have been trying to catch things up since then.

smoke gets in my eyes

That sucks. If any of these are active credit accounts you can talk to your lawyer about having them inactivated so no more bills can be run up. You may be stuck with old bills but you do not have to be stuck with new ones. If that leaves your soon to be ex with nothing to live on I have two words for him. Suf Fer.

HUGS!

kfa2004

I have already had them inactivated. Nothing else can be charged to them but I still have to pay off the balance. Thanks for your encouraging words.

cwohio

kfa - i think you handled yourself pretty darn well. what a bunch of poop to put up with. keep up the great work in recovery - you and your children will appreciate it!

hugs - cwohio

kfa2004

Even through all the bad times with the verbal, emotional and physical abuse, I could always see the "good" part of my AH. I made a decision several years ago to love him in spite of the things he had done. I also made the decision to forgive because I knew him to be a "good" person. I can't see that any longer. He has fallen so far down the spectrum that I don't even recogonise the person I love. All I see now is a self-centered addict. I no longer expect him to come through the door "cured". I no longer expect him to be anything except what he is. Soooo, why can't I make the decision to not love him? I realize now that I should have expected him to send a picture in of him and his girlfriend together with my kids, because he knew it would hurt me. After all that is what he has been trying to do all along. He is too weak to handle his problems so he wants to try and bring me to the same level. Well I am not going to let him. With Gods help I will get through this.

smoke gets in my eyes

Can you imagine yourself saying/thinking this? "After all I've done for him... how DARE he want someone else?" If you can (and a lot of us could) it may be that it's your ego that's having a harder time letting go than your heart. After all, when we sacrifice and support and compromise and surrender it's supposed to make everything all better. That's how it is in the movies. That's what our culture teaches us. We do everything that is supposed to be "right" and "THIS IS THE THANKS I GET??????" It can leave us with a nagging feeling that there was something we left undone. If we had just been a little more perfect, it would have fixed him.

It wouldn't have K. And the responsibility for making your whole relationship work should never have been on your shoulders alone. He doesn't prefer the other woman. He prefers what he perceives as freedom because he doesn't yet realize that he is enslaved. And his actions are probably less to hurt you than to prove you wrong. Because he needs you to be wrong. Because part of his denial can only thrive if you are wrong.

Love is a good thing. Continuing to embrace the remaining humanity in someone that has slid down the evolutionary scale to the baboon realm is righteous and noble. I believe you love him. But what you are talking about sounds like obsession, not love. And I would like to suggest that a way to begin letting go of the obsession with him is to begin accepting and approving of yourself. By yourself. Don't try to see yourself through his eyes, who knows what he's really thinking anyway? He's a drunk. Stop wondering what's wrong with you and focus on what's right. Get to know yourself again. In the power posts on this forum you'll find a thread that Ann started called "how to have fun when you really don't feel like having fun". Give it a read. Letting go is hard and it takes time. But you can move the process along a bit by forcing yourself to think about and take care of you.

Hugs,
Smoke

kfa2004

Can you imagine yourself saying/thinking this? "After all I've done for him... how DARE he want someone else?" If you can (and a lot of us could) it may be that it's your ego that's having a harder time letting go than your heart.

Smoke, Thank you for your words of wisdom and actually in the beginning I had thought it might just be ego. In answer to your question, No, I don't think "After all I've done for him....." I have to admit that after the first problems we had that I did have those thoughts but that past. I have to admit that through the years he has done a lot for me also (before his problem got this bad). I also know in my brain that what he is celebrating is what he thinks is freedom. After all he does not work, he does not have to help the kids except when he wants to, he doesn't have to do anything he doesn't choose to do. I also know he is trying to prove me wrong, he has told me that on several occasions. Obsession, maybe some yes, but still a lot of love. I actually have started to take care of myself more than I did. The kids and I do things we have not done in a long time and we laugh on a daily basis. I have even joined a couple of committee's that I have always wanted to be a part of. I have a lot more good days now then bad. Yesterday I was weak, today I'm a little stronger and some of that has come from being able to let my feelings out here and getting back your wisdom.
Thank you all.
Kat

StandingStrong

Sweetie, I think my biggest downfall is saying those thoughts that I think in reference to my AH in front of or to my kids. Even on the strongest of days, I still can be weakened by my anger.
Don't be so hard on yourself. I think everyone (even people not dealing w/ an addict) tend to say things they regret in front of or to thier children. That's just a part of parenting.
It's okay. (((((((((kfa2004))))))))

givingup

Amen, Smoke. Painful recognition! I think we co-dependents often confuse obsession with love. I am trying to sort out that one myself. Some of the threads about love on this site are helping me to realize that love doesn't hurt all the time, love isn't manipulative, love isn't deceptive.... Now that I'm starting to know what it is not, maybe I can start finding out what it is.

kfa2004

Smoke you may be right about the obsession, to tell you the truth I am working on trying to find that out. The only thing I know is I met my AH and fell in love with him 26 years ago. Since that day he has been the first thing I think of in the morning and the last I pray for at night. When something happens in my life whether it is good or bad, he is still the person I want to call and talk to. Through the years he has been my best friend and my worst enemy. We have had a lot of good times, a lot of laughter and a lot of tears (on my part).

kfa2004

Thank all of you for your support during these last couple of days. I am having a much better day today.
Hugs
Kat