ulfr

am struggling right now my past child hood wasn't good
abuse
i just want to not feel a thing numb drink does that its makes you numb its makes you ok for a while well at lest until the next morning when you need some more to top it up

one reason why i care is my husband he'd leave me if i start drinking or taking drugs
he loves me but he cant stand to see me do that too myself

having to face up to things I see my therapist soon and my psych
av made a dr appointment with my regular dr
trying to keep busy and use distractions instead of drowning myself in drink and drugs

maverickspoint

I had an abusive childhood too and for me drink and drugs were how I dealt with it later in life. I faced my past by confronting the person who caused me pain. Obviously that isn't always possible for everyone. Doing that changed how I drank overnight, I stopped drinking to abuse myself and drank because I enjoyed being drunk. No better but the change gave me a chance to tackle the alcoholism straight on whereas before I wouldn't have stood a chance.
I don't know your situation but if you can confront your past or take steps to review it in anyway shape or form it can make a difference, then you can face the battle with the drink.
I do understand the need to numb and it's hard to give any real advice as you most likely already know the drink and drugs just make it worse.
One thing I found that helped in times of need was exposing myself to media, quotes or films that inspired me into sobriety. I recently watched the film Flight with Denzel Washington, really connected with his story of alcoholism. Hope you find some strength.

escapist

You don't have to repeat the pattern of abuse you learned from the unfit people who hurt you . You do not deserve it. You are innocent. Stop punishing yourself with alcohol . Take your life back from the memory of them.

atomicindigo

Are you able to talk to your husband about what you are feeling?

Soberwolf

Stick close to SR DeathMetal

ulfr

yes i can talk to my husband he says i should stop focusing on it
but i keep having flashbacks and my mental health isn't so good
there splits of me all upset all having flashbacks all wanting drink and i cant control them that's one of the reasons why my husband has to lock away the pills and the money as they would buy drink for themselves or get drugs
Av started to talk to my therapist about them and my psych
i keep everything away from my family i have been living like this for years its only now we've felt brave enough to talk to a therapist

some of them would post here years ago but we kinda post together now as we find it better to do that

I have a big day tomorrow spending some time with family

Soberwolf

Have a nice day with your family DeathMetal

atomicindigo

to stop focusing on it is easier said than done. it's like saying - don't think about elephants - and then that is all you can think about. have you tried breathing exercises? when you feel anxiety or a panic attack coming on try to step back, take a slow, purposeful breath in, hold it, and then slowly exhale. when i do it i focus on the words "breath in" as i inhale and "breath out" as i exhale. It doesn't always feel like it's working but it gives me something i can do to try and regain control over what i am feeling or experiencing.