Disaster
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Purgatory
Posts: 42
Disaster
I drank. and guess what? I got the same result...
I went back to work on Wednesday and I was really tired. The previous binge had really pulled units of energy from me.
When I finished work an insideous thought came to me "a couple of beers and you'd be feeling normalish"
And my response was "no, I'll stick it out and the normality will come back to me"
I thought "wow, that's addiction right there. You drink and feel really bad physically, emotionally and mentally and then you're on the never ending quest just to feel back to a normal state again."
I thought also "he maybe that was the AV thing that I've heard mentioned"
I allowed it to get the better of me on Saturday night. I'd spent over two hours in the barber before finally getting my appointment....exhausted....lacking food. I went to a Chinese restaurant to get dinner alone. I'd been there before and drank water with my meal. No problem.
But the voice again "maybe a couple of beers would get you back to feeling normal. And we can just start again on Monday, the start of the week"
I went with the voice of the devil who is trying to kill me. Why? On an intellectual level this problem is very easy to solve. But on an emotional level it's getting me everytime. and of course I don't stop at the two in the restaurant. I go home and then go out...
I wasn't feeling it when I went out. the people. the rain. the alcohol. me. I wasn't feeling it. I think that means that I was aware that I was not on the correct path. I was thinking of heading back.....then I met "my friend" by chance in the street. out with friends for a birthday party.
"hey are you not talking to me anymore? what's up" he asked. I think I was caught by surprise and didn't know what to say. It was awkward. They invited me along with them. After much hesitation, I went with them. The next day all day bender....
...and I got arrested. The only pulled me for ID but it seemed that a previous problem came back to haunt me. A previous incident with alcohol. I had to pay a fine but apparently I had not signed the paperwork so the issue was not closed. I would have to go with them......Ok no problem, stay calm and sort it out. They were actually allright about the whole situation and everything seemed fine....until Mr Robocop entered....
One cop counted out my money and I asked him "did I not have 200 notes as well?" I had 200 notes seperate and I wasn't sure if I had left it at home or had it with me. Robocop took offence and hit me a solid in the mouth.......apparently he felt I was accusing them of robbing it.
the blood that spilled from my mouth was incredible. Shirt and trousers soaked in blood. I needed a hospital. They threw me in a cell instead. Handcuffed with my hands pinned thightly behing my back..
Long story short I spent the night with blood streaming out of me, the handcuffs ripping into me with my hands behind my back. The wouldn't let me go to the bathroom or have any water. So I had to urinate in my trousers. So he's trying to make out that I assaulted him and threatened him, which i didn't. I certainly insulted him after he hit me. I've got to go back and make a complaint about him and they have to "investigate". So I don't know what's going to come out of it..
I had to send an email to work to say that I need the week off as I got assaulted. I don't know how that's going to go down.
I can say I was a "victim" but really if I didn't consume alcohol I would not get myself into these scrapes. I need to take the responsibility for that.
I only got out at midday today. straight to a bar to wash myself and of course have a few beers.
I want those beers to be the last ever that I consume.
Why? appart from the obvious...
Well I feel like I am on the edge of the pricipitous. They say alcoholism will either lead to prison, the mad house or death. I feel something more tragic awaits me (more tragic than today). I've had many "rock bottoms" but I can sense that I don't have that many lives left. I can feel it.
I climbed the hill, lay in the grass
A little dark eyes girl drifted past
She said, "All the best has come, it could not last
And the worst is has come true"
Sail away, Nick Cave
I went back to work on Wednesday and I was really tired. The previous binge had really pulled units of energy from me.
When I finished work an insideous thought came to me "a couple of beers and you'd be feeling normalish"
And my response was "no, I'll stick it out and the normality will come back to me"
I thought "wow, that's addiction right there. You drink and feel really bad physically, emotionally and mentally and then you're on the never ending quest just to feel back to a normal state again."
I thought also "he maybe that was the AV thing that I've heard mentioned"
I allowed it to get the better of me on Saturday night. I'd spent over two hours in the barber before finally getting my appointment....exhausted....lacking food. I went to a Chinese restaurant to get dinner alone. I'd been there before and drank water with my meal. No problem.
But the voice again "maybe a couple of beers would get you back to feeling normal. And we can just start again on Monday, the start of the week"
I went with the voice of the devil who is trying to kill me. Why? On an intellectual level this problem is very easy to solve. But on an emotional level it's getting me everytime. and of course I don't stop at the two in the restaurant. I go home and then go out...
I wasn't feeling it when I went out. the people. the rain. the alcohol. me. I wasn't feeling it. I think that means that I was aware that I was not on the correct path. I was thinking of heading back.....then I met "my friend" by chance in the street. out with friends for a birthday party.
"hey are you not talking to me anymore? what's up" he asked. I think I was caught by surprise and didn't know what to say. It was awkward. They invited me along with them. After much hesitation, I went with them. The next day all day bender....
...and I got arrested. The only pulled me for ID but it seemed that a previous problem came back to haunt me. A previous incident with alcohol. I had to pay a fine but apparently I had not signed the paperwork so the issue was not closed. I would have to go with them......Ok no problem, stay calm and sort it out. They were actually allright about the whole situation and everything seemed fine....until Mr Robocop entered....
One cop counted out my money and I asked him "did I not have 200 notes as well?" I had 200 notes seperate and I wasn't sure if I had left it at home or had it with me. Robocop took offence and hit me a solid in the mouth.......apparently he felt I was accusing them of robbing it.
the blood that spilled from my mouth was incredible. Shirt and trousers soaked in blood. I needed a hospital. They threw me in a cell instead. Handcuffed with my hands pinned thightly behing my back..
Long story short I spent the night with blood streaming out of me, the handcuffs ripping into me with my hands behind my back. The wouldn't let me go to the bathroom or have any water. So I had to urinate in my trousers. So he's trying to make out that I assaulted him and threatened him, which i didn't. I certainly insulted him after he hit me. I've got to go back and make a complaint about him and they have to "investigate". So I don't know what's going to come out of it..
I had to send an email to work to say that I need the week off as I got assaulted. I don't know how that's going to go down.
I can say I was a "victim" but really if I didn't consume alcohol I would not get myself into these scrapes. I need to take the responsibility for that.
I only got out at midday today. straight to a bar to wash myself and of course have a few beers.
I want those beers to be the last ever that I consume.
Why? appart from the obvious...
Well I feel like I am on the edge of the pricipitous. They say alcoholism will either lead to prison, the mad house or death. I feel something more tragic awaits me (more tragic than today). I've had many "rock bottoms" but I can sense that I don't have that many lives left. I can feel it.
I climbed the hill, lay in the grass
A little dark eyes girl drifted past
She said, "All the best has come, it could not last
And the worst is has come true"
Sail away, Nick Cave
Last edited by AlHowSoonisNow; 10-12-2015 at 08:00 AM. Reason: spelling
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Purgatory
Posts: 42
thanks Scott and Anna.
I actually really don't know. It's very frustrating.
I'm baffled trying to write a response.....
I know this is a huge problem and I know I need to make the solution my number one priority in life. While I still have a life...
But the fact that I would choose to drink alcohol in the face of so much evidence that it screws me up.......is a hard pill to swallow. Why can't I just leave it alone!
It's clear I'm not succeeding on my own. I need a support and people who are on my side.
I really need to get it into my head the magnitude of this problem.
I actually really don't know. It's very frustrating.
I'm baffled trying to write a response.....
I know this is a huge problem and I know I need to make the solution my number one priority in life. While I still have a life...
But the fact that I would choose to drink alcohol in the face of so much evidence that it screws me up.......is a hard pill to swallow. Why can't I just leave it alone!
It's clear I'm not succeeding on my own. I need a support and people who are on my side.
I really need to get it into my head the magnitude of this problem.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Dang... that is a tough show.....
I'm sorry you're in this mess.
But here... check this out....
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...unk-again.html
It'll be OK. C'mon, join us.
I'm sorry you're in this mess.
But here... check this out....
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...unk-again.html
It'll be OK. C'mon, join us.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by AlHowSoonisNow 
But the fact that I would choose to drink alcohol in the face of so much evidence that it screws me up.......is a hard pill to swallow. Why can't I just leave it alone!
That's OK... so did I. So did a lot of us.
join us.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by AlHowSoonisNow
It's clear I'm not succeeding on my own.
SR is a great support for many. But not enough for everyone. I think some face to face support would be helpful. And if you struggle to stay away from alcohol even in the face of the disaster of this week, maybe rehab is an option. Remove yourself from alcohol until you can get some sober time under your belt.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by AlHowSoonisNow
.
But the fact that I would choose to drink alcohol in the face of so much evidence that it screws me up.......is a hard pill to swallow. Why can't I just leave it alone!
It's clear I'm not succeeding on my own. I need a support and people who are on my side.
I really need to get it into my head the magnitude of this problem.
But the fact that I would choose to drink alcohol in the face of so much evidence that it screws me up.......is a hard pill to swallow. Why can't I just leave it alone!
It's clear I'm not succeeding on my own. I need a support and people who are on my side.
I really need to get it into my head the magnitude of this problem.
I think you are also correct that you will need help and support. Since the consequences of your drinking have become quite severe, I would suggest that unprecedented action must be taken on your part to get better. Consider all options - even inpatient rehab.
There are many things you could do today to get started.
1. Call your local drug/alcohol resource center and check on inpatient/outpatient rehab facilities in the area.
2. Go to an AA/NA meeting - or go to multiple ones if they are available
3. See your doctor to get your injurires checked and explain your drinking issues and desire to quit
4. Find an alcohol/drug counselor and schedule an appointment.
Days like you are having today don't have to happen ever again if you make the right choices and do the right work.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: California
Posts: 1,428
Read as many posts here as you can. You may want to google Rational Recovery, crash course in AVRT is helpful to some. Just find a recovery program that speaks to you. Always, your primary care physician is first call to make, IMO.
It's a dark road you are on, you can put a stop to it. Pay attention to Dee, Freeowl, Anna, Hevyn, Carl and Scott. The veterans here know what they speak, listen to them. I am in early sobriety and found posting and reading here so helpful.
You can do it!
It's a dark road you are on, you can put a stop to it. Pay attention to Dee, Freeowl, Anna, Hevyn, Carl and Scott. The veterans here know what they speak, listen to them. I am in early sobriety and found posting and reading here so helpful.
You can do it!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Purgatory
Posts: 42
Originally Posted by FreeOwl
Because you're addicted. Because you're an alcoholic. It's because you need help to break these chains.
That's OK... so did I. So did a lot of us.
join us.
That's OK... so did I. So did a lot of us.
join us.
I need to fully accept it and embrace it....as I think from reading the responses, that is the root of my problem. I'm not on some level fully accepting it...
Iike there's some sort of shame in saying I'm alcoholic. Like there's some sort of shame in saying I can't do it alone...
But the bigger shame would be to continue drinking in the face of all evidence that says I can't safely. The bigger shame would be to continue spreading negativity with the repurcusions of my drunken behaviours...
If this was happening to anyone else that I know....I would be saying "Jesus, just stop drinking!! It screws you up everytime!!"
Time to say yes to my universe. I'm an alcoholic. There's no point in trying to fight this anymore.
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Location: Purgatory
Posts: 42
Originally Posted by ScottFromWI
It's called addiction And it's a baffling affliction to be certain. And you are correct that it's a "hard pill to swallow". I would equate swallowing that pill to unconditional acceptance of your addiction - that's what it took for me to get things started. You have to absolutely and unconditionally accept/acknowledge the fact that drinking even one drink is not an option for you, in any circumstance - ever.
I think you are also correct that you will need help and support. Since the consequences of your drinking have become quite severe, I would suggest that unprecedented action must be taken on your part to get better. Consider all options - even inpatient rehab.
There are many things you could do today to get started.
1. Call your local drug/alcohol resource center and check on inpatient/outpatient rehab facilities in the area.
2. Go to an AA/NA meeting - or go to multiple ones if they are available
3. See your doctor to get your injurires checked and explain your drinking issues and desire to quit
4. Find an alcohol/drug counselor and schedule an appointment.
Days like you are having today don't have to happen ever again if you make the right choices and do the right work.
I think you are also correct that you will need help and support. Since the consequences of your drinking have become quite severe, I would suggest that unprecedented action must be taken on your part to get better. Consider all options - even inpatient rehab.
There are many things you could do today to get started.
1. Call your local drug/alcohol resource center and check on inpatient/outpatient rehab facilities in the area.
2. Go to an AA/NA meeting - or go to multiple ones if they are available
3. See your doctor to get your injurires checked and explain your drinking issues and desire to quit
4. Find an alcohol/drug counselor and schedule an appointment.
Days like you are having today don't have to happen ever again if you make the right choices and do the right work.
I'll do those things while I'm off work. I'll go to aa. I'll google it now to see where they're at. Not sure I'd have the strenght today.
Do you know....I've not got a doctor. Newish city. Well what I realise is that I have not been taking care of business lately. I'm in the "newish city" long enough to have all these things sorted out. I think I need stitches...the blood was coming from a gash on the inside of my cheek and they wouldn't let me go. Nice black lip now.
I've read your firts paragraph a few times. It does seem that acceptance, full acceptance is the root problem. I'm starting to look at acceptance different now.....it's letting go of a burden. The burden in trying to drink and losing the fight
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Location: Texas
Posts: 341
Okay, ouch. That's awful. I'm so sorry.
You do need a plan. The more concrete actions you can take, the better.
( But I also feel compelled to say, the police abusing you is not your fault, whether you were drinking or not. That guy should be punished by his department. He is a bad cop. That ****'s not okay to do to anybody. I know this isn't about recovery necessarily, but I just couldn't not voice my opinion on this. Maybe you'll even feel better if you do what you can do to make it known that he behaved unacceptably. I know I would. He does that to you, you know he does it to other people. I know this kind of thing happens all the time, but that doesn't make it okay. End rant. )
You do need a plan. The more concrete actions you can take, the better.
( But I also feel compelled to say, the police abusing you is not your fault, whether you were drinking or not. That guy should be punished by his department. He is a bad cop. That ****'s not okay to do to anybody. I know this isn't about recovery necessarily, but I just couldn't not voice my opinion on this. Maybe you'll even feel better if you do what you can do to make it known that he behaved unacceptably. I know I would. He does that to you, you know he does it to other people. I know this kind of thing happens all the time, but that doesn't make it okay. End rant. )
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Central Coast, CA
Posts: 26
Originally Posted by AlHowSoonisNow
Great, thanks.
I'll do those things while I'm off work. I'll go to aa. I'll google it now to see where they're at. Not sure I'd have the strenght today.
I'll do those things while I'm off work. I'll go to aa. I'll google it now to see where they're at. Not sure I'd have the strenght today.
Then sneaks in my "unreliable narrator" telling me "one won't hurt" or "Your favorite bartender is working tonight".
I am not saying you have to do anything, but not only are we addicted, but we are creatures of habit as well. Breaking the habit and doing something different always quiets that narrator.
I always find going to a movie theater, getting a large popcorn and soda and losing yourself in a great flick is wonderful therapy if there are no meetings available.
Best of Luck to you!
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by AlHowSoonisNow
Not sure I'd have the strenght today.
you can also search the www for "big book online" ,read it online, and learn what the prgrams about and how life can change as a result of following the suggestions.
one day atta time.
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Join Date: Oct 2015
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Originally Posted by Crete211
For me, whenever I feel like I do not have the strength to go to a meeting or too tired, this is exactly when I need to go. It means I have low will power. If I can't go to a place that is welcoming with open arms to make my life better... what am I capable of?
Then sneaks in my "unreliable narrator" telling me "one won't hurt" or "Your favorite bartender is working tonight".
I am not saying you have to do anything, but not only are we addicted, but we are creatures of habit as well. Breaking the habit and doing something different always quiets that narrator.
I always find going to a movie theater, getting a large popcorn and soda and losing yourself in a great flick is wonderful therapy if there are no meetings available.
Best of Luck to you!
Then sneaks in my "unreliable narrator" telling me "one won't hurt" or "Your favorite bartender is working tonight".
I am not saying you have to do anything, but not only are we addicted, but we are creatures of habit as well. Breaking the habit and doing something different always quiets that narrator.
I always find going to a movie theater, getting a large popcorn and soda and losing yourself in a great flick is wonderful therapy if there are no meetings available.
Best of Luck to you!
The image of going to a movie theater and losing myself in a flick with total piece of mind sounds very appealing. My peace of mind is wrecked. I want it back.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
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Time to draw a line under alcohol, it's doing you no favours only causing misery.
Write a new chapter to your life, a happier Sober one and you don't ever have to go through any of that again!!
You can do this!!
Write a new chapter to your life, a happier Sober one and you don't ever have to go through any of that again!!
You can do this!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Purgatory
Posts: 42
Originally Posted by Purpleknight
Time to draw a line under alcohol, it's doing you no favours only causing misery.
Write a new chapter to your life, a happier Sober one and you don't ever have to go through any of that again!!
You can do this!!
Write a new chapter to your life, a happier Sober one and you don't ever have to go through any of that again!!
You can do this!!
what I'm feeling right now is just not worth it. for what? an alcoholic beverage? so dissappointed in myself right now. I feel like my heart has been broken. I suppose it has been, by me.
Thinking of making a video diary of my sober journey. The progress starts from now with my big, black, swollen lip....
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
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Originally Posted by AlHowSoonisNow
so dissappointed in myself right now. I feel like my heart has been broken. I suppose it has been, by me.
It can be done!! Hang in there!!
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