Telling the kids it's over
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Join Date: Oct 2015
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Telling the kids it's over
I've been posting on here how my husband of 25 years has been sober for about 6 months, on the exterior got himself completely together, and has decided to leave me and the marriage. Apparently I'm a reminder of all that was bad.
Anyway, my biggest issue is telling my kids. My daughter has said for a while I should leave him and I deserve to be happy. At the moment she is not speaking with him. I know she thinks she will be fine, and probably will be, but I'm sure the actual reality of her parents breaking up will be very hard.
But it's my son I truly worry about. He is 19, a freshman in college and an amazingly sweet boy. He went to overnight summer camp for many years, and worked as a counselor this summer, and has a ton of friends there. But at home it was a different story. No friends, didn't get involved in school or any activities. Never left home. And home was just fighting between me and my husband constantly. It was unending. I feel so awful that i raised him in that environment. And I recently found something my husband wrote (he was keeping notes on our work computer and I found it) how he feels so badly for asking our son to lie to me for years because apparently my son caught him drinking alot. I talked to my son about it and told him he is not responsible for lying to me and I in no way blame him and on and on about how wonderful he is.
He is now in college and doesn't like it and wants to transfer. He is always hanging on by a thread. I've taken him to counseling for years, but he never opened up. I had no idea until recently (6 months) that my husband was an alcoholic, but apparently my son knew for longer, but maybe not how bad it was. This kid has been carrying a load and burden on his shoulders. I've tried to relieve it, but can't get through to him.
My son is very codependent. Just wants everyone to be happy at any cost. I am afraid for the relationships he will have in the future. Anyway, he always felt a need to protect his father. Always telling me I was mean, but meanwhile when my kids need anything they come to me because they say their father is completely unreliable and can't take care of anything. I'm the "responsible" one. I'm the one they come to for advice on any matter. But my son feels my husband is the wounded bird, the one needing protection.
I feel like he will blame me, as does my husband. I'm sure he would rather us stay together unhappy than be apart. It's the only "normal" he knows. Me too, for that matter. While I would like it to workout, my husband has made it very clear that it won't and he's done. My hardest part with all of this is telling my son. I'm so afraid it will crush him. I hear so many stories about people whose kids want their parents to divorce, but are then devastated. I hear about kids who spend the rest of their lives dealing with the fact of their childhood.
I know we are all screwed up from our parents, and we did the best we could, and he will need to deal with life, just as everyone else does, but i feel so responsible for him. Ugh, my codependency thing. Or just being a mom.
I just don't know how to make this transition ok for him. He's having such a hard time at college and I'm afraid of what this will do. Any advice?
Anyway, my biggest issue is telling my kids. My daughter has said for a while I should leave him and I deserve to be happy. At the moment she is not speaking with him. I know she thinks she will be fine, and probably will be, but I'm sure the actual reality of her parents breaking up will be very hard.
But it's my son I truly worry about. He is 19, a freshman in college and an amazingly sweet boy. He went to overnight summer camp for many years, and worked as a counselor this summer, and has a ton of friends there. But at home it was a different story. No friends, didn't get involved in school or any activities. Never left home. And home was just fighting between me and my husband constantly. It was unending. I feel so awful that i raised him in that environment. And I recently found something my husband wrote (he was keeping notes on our work computer and I found it) how he feels so badly for asking our son to lie to me for years because apparently my son caught him drinking alot. I talked to my son about it and told him he is not responsible for lying to me and I in no way blame him and on and on about how wonderful he is.
He is now in college and doesn't like it and wants to transfer. He is always hanging on by a thread. I've taken him to counseling for years, but he never opened up. I had no idea until recently (6 months) that my husband was an alcoholic, but apparently my son knew for longer, but maybe not how bad it was. This kid has been carrying a load and burden on his shoulders. I've tried to relieve it, but can't get through to him.
My son is very codependent. Just wants everyone to be happy at any cost. I am afraid for the relationships he will have in the future. Anyway, he always felt a need to protect his father. Always telling me I was mean, but meanwhile when my kids need anything they come to me because they say their father is completely unreliable and can't take care of anything. I'm the "responsible" one. I'm the one they come to for advice on any matter. But my son feels my husband is the wounded bird, the one needing protection.
I feel like he will blame me, as does my husband. I'm sure he would rather us stay together unhappy than be apart. It's the only "normal" he knows. Me too, for that matter. While I would like it to workout, my husband has made it very clear that it won't and he's done. My hardest part with all of this is telling my son. I'm so afraid it will crush him. I hear so many stories about people whose kids want their parents to divorce, but are then devastated. I hear about kids who spend the rest of their lives dealing with the fact of their childhood.
I know we are all screwed up from our parents, and we did the best we could, and he will need to deal with life, just as everyone else does, but i feel so responsible for him. Ugh, my codependency thing. Or just being a mom.
I just don't know how to make this transition ok for him. He's having such a hard time at college and I'm afraid of what this will do. Any advice?
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi FA, your RAH is a complete rat for getting your son to cover up for him and putting that burden on his shoulders.
He a delicate person, but you seem to think that you can 'make this transition ok for him'. You can't. He'll feel some pain, but you can't prevent that and honestly, if you coddle or try to protect him you're giving him the message that you don't think he's capable of coping with his own feelings. He will pick up on your lack of confidence in him.
The true picture of the situation is you didn't have any control over your RAH, and there is no need to accept any blame. Sure there is responsibility on both sides, but it's just one of those situations that hasn't worked out. You're slowly and painfully coming to terms with it, but there is no need to apologise to your son or anyone else.
If your attitude is matter of fact, practical and unapologetic he will pick it up from you. He's likely to mature very fast as event go against his wishes, but many young people cope with and survive in these situations. He may benefit from reading 'Codependent No More' and possibly seeing student counselling, but resist the urge to rescue him.
He a delicate person, but you seem to think that you can 'make this transition ok for him'. You can't. He'll feel some pain, but you can't prevent that and honestly, if you coddle or try to protect him you're giving him the message that you don't think he's capable of coping with his own feelings. He will pick up on your lack of confidence in him.
The true picture of the situation is you didn't have any control over your RAH, and there is no need to accept any blame. Sure there is responsibility on both sides, but it's just one of those situations that hasn't worked out. You're slowly and painfully coming to terms with it, but there is no need to apologise to your son or anyone else.
If your attitude is matter of fact, practical and unapologetic he will pick it up from you. He's likely to mature very fast as event go against his wishes, but many young people cope with and survive in these situations. He may benefit from reading 'Codependent No More' and possibly seeing student counselling, but resist the urge to rescue him.
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 222
Thank you FeelingGreat. My initial reaction is to rescue him. I've overcoddled him his whole life to protect him from the anguish in our home. You are so right about sending him the message that I have confidence in him. I have to be matter of fact. Your post helped alot. I'm going to print it out and keep it with me. Thank you.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
If your RAH is truly recovered and in recovery, it's way time that HE'S the one that steps it up and makes amends with your son during this transition. It's about time he acts as the MAN of the house. You are still existing in the "I need to fix everything for my son" mode.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
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"Let it begin with me."
"Keep it simple."
My viewpoint is skewed. My best thinking got me to a place where I was finally ready to reach out for help. As I heal, I realize others can also, and not by my interference (aka helping). I received the gift of desperation, and that may or may not be their path to healing. If my best thinking can't fix me, who am I to try to fix others? That is now freeing for me! They really are going to be alright, and so am I.
Now I'm learning how to live, and have healthy relationships with family and friends. It hasn't happened overnight, and yet it's unfolding in a fairly gentle way. Monumental shifts in myself that come both in "aha!" moments and day-to-day small ways that takes me longer to see.
As I learn to value and accept myself fully, as I am, I can do that for my children. It's a beautiful gift. I'm learning how to listen to others and not prop them up or change them in any way. They really do have the resources they need within them and around them. They'll find their way.
My mom sees the good in me so much, I didn't feel able to be imperfect. That wasn't what she put on me, it was fully internal. Only I can do that inside work, as I am ready and willing.
When telling your kids, keep it simple. Be honest. No need to explain things out.
They have a mom who loves them, and who is finding her way. You're going to be alright. So will they. What happens in the in-between is sometimes needed for growth to happen.
May you have a peaceful day.
"Keep it simple."
My viewpoint is skewed. My best thinking got me to a place where I was finally ready to reach out for help. As I heal, I realize others can also, and not by my interference (aka helping). I received the gift of desperation, and that may or may not be their path to healing. If my best thinking can't fix me, who am I to try to fix others? That is now freeing for me! They really are going to be alright, and so am I.
Now I'm learning how to live, and have healthy relationships with family and friends. It hasn't happened overnight, and yet it's unfolding in a fairly gentle way. Monumental shifts in myself that come both in "aha!" moments and day-to-day small ways that takes me longer to see.
As I learn to value and accept myself fully, as I am, I can do that for my children. It's a beautiful gift. I'm learning how to listen to others and not prop them up or change them in any way. They really do have the resources they need within them and around them. They'll find their way.
My mom sees the good in me so much, I didn't feel able to be imperfect. That wasn't what she put on me, it was fully internal. Only I can do that inside work, as I am ready and willing.
When telling your kids, keep it simple. Be honest. No need to explain things out.
They have a mom who loves them, and who is finding her way. You're going to be alright. So will they. What happens in the in-between is sometimes needed for growth to happen.
May you have a peaceful day.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
findidngAmy......you have gotten some good responses, I think.
As a mother of adult children, I just want to say that...."overcoddling" (as you termed it)....is not a protection at all. Rather, it is actually a handicap, once they reach the outside world with all the bumps and bruises that life can bestow.
Your son sounds like he has what it takes to blend with others and create relationships....otherwise, he wouldn't have do ne so well at camp..being a counselor, and all. Or--made it to college. LOL....he is 19 and it is still first semester of his freshman year, for Pete's sake. He is still adjusting, and many, many freshman feel like they are holding on by a thread, at first.
He won't develop his strong wings if you don't let him fly like he needs to.
This transition from the nest is hard on ALL parents....and the relationship has to take it's natural evolution from parent protector to adult-adult. It will take a little time to get used to. In reality....I'll bet that you are suffering m ore than he is.
I liked the suggestion that you give him a copy of "Co-dependent no more".
Perhaps you could give it to him as a present and tell him that you are reading it and you though he might appreciate it---and, that you would be interested in what he thinks about it.....(just an idea), Then, say no more about it. He may or may not read it.
Please, please, resist the biggest demon of all---Mothers' Guilt. It is one thing to examine your own role in things....but, don't wallow in the guilt, as it will hurt everyone and help no one. Honestly, I have never met a mother who didn't feel guilty about something....justified or not!
dandylion
As a mother of adult children, I just want to say that...."overcoddling" (as you termed it)....is not a protection at all. Rather, it is actually a handicap, once they reach the outside world with all the bumps and bruises that life can bestow.
Your son sounds like he has what it takes to blend with others and create relationships....otherwise, he wouldn't have do ne so well at camp..being a counselor, and all. Or--made it to college. LOL....he is 19 and it is still first semester of his freshman year, for Pete's sake. He is still adjusting, and many, many freshman feel like they are holding on by a thread, at first.
He won't develop his strong wings if you don't let him fly like he needs to.
This transition from the nest is hard on ALL parents....and the relationship has to take it's natural evolution from parent protector to adult-adult. It will take a little time to get used to. In reality....I'll bet that you are suffering m ore than he is.
I liked the suggestion that you give him a copy of "Co-dependent no more".
Perhaps you could give it to him as a present and tell him that you are reading it and you though he might appreciate it---and, that you would be interested in what he thinks about it.....(just an idea), Then, say no more about it. He may or may not read it.
Please, please, resist the biggest demon of all---Mothers' Guilt. It is one thing to examine your own role in things....but, don't wallow in the guilt, as it will hurt everyone and help no one. Honestly, I have never met a mother who didn't feel guilty about something....justified or not!
dandylion
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 222
Thanks for all these suggestions. This is going to be so tough to not feel guilty about this. I think I'll get the book for both of my kids. I look forward to learning to value myself and accept myself fully but I can't even imagine it at the moment. I just want my kids to be ok. I just want me to be ok.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Originally Posted by FindingAmy 
This is going to be so tough to not feel guilty about this.
Children (even adult children) tend to pick up on parents guilt and will probably reflect your attitude. If you feel guilty they might assume you are too, and exploit it. I know this sounds manipulative but children seem to do this instinctively and some don't outgrow it.
I've done a course in cognitive therapy which is useful for recognising our inner voices - 'I feel guilty about X' - and turning them into thoughts that reflect reality, 'I used my best judgement at the time'. It shows us how to turn negative thoughts like 'I'm a complete mess-up' into 'I'm human and humans make mistakes'.
I'm sure this would be very useful for you right now, with all this junk running around in your head, either with a therapist or even from a good book.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
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^^ I echo these words. Great advice to not be negative about ourselves when we mess up, which we all do! We are human. It's not your job to fix the relationship...keep moving forward with faith. God bless and peace to you!
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I agree with the other posters about over-coddling, etc.
However, this is Brand New in your family. Not something that has gone for years & years & years with constant, willful adjustments to coddle the addict. You know you have codependent issues but you were not aware you were feeding such a dysfunctional dynamic.
In your shoes *I* would have one, single, face-to-face, real-adult conversation with DS & explain that I was in the dark, am trying to catch up, realize he's been actually living with the stress of knowing for much, much longer.
I wouldn't talk about him & focus on apologies past that. I'd talk to him about the education I was getting about it all now, I'd ask if he ever thought about reaching out to other children of alcoholics to see if any of it resonated for him. I'd share my surprise at how much I never understood or how easy it is to miss the signs. I'd tell him how boggled my mind was by the volume of resources available - books, blogs, forums, meetings. Who knew? I'd tell him that I knew I wasn't the right person to help him heal, but that I hoped he wouldn't hesitate to let me know if/when there was something I could do to help him on his path.... stressing how it IS his path, not mine. I would try to encourage him to at least read the ACA Bill of Rights to see if he identified with any of it:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ll-rights.html
I'd show humility & let him know all the ways that I was reaching out for help & hoped he was too. As a child of an alcoholic myself, my biggest relief came from having things finally labelled correctly & being called for what they really were. If you focus on what's out there to help him heal, he may just go looking sooner rather than later. Especially in this day & age when you can do so much of this privately from your own PC.
However, this is Brand New in your family. Not something that has gone for years & years & years with constant, willful adjustments to coddle the addict. You know you have codependent issues but you were not aware you were feeding such a dysfunctional dynamic.
In your shoes *I* would have one, single, face-to-face, real-adult conversation with DS & explain that I was in the dark, am trying to catch up, realize he's been actually living with the stress of knowing for much, much longer.
I wouldn't talk about him & focus on apologies past that. I'd talk to him about the education I was getting about it all now, I'd ask if he ever thought about reaching out to other children of alcoholics to see if any of it resonated for him. I'd share my surprise at how much I never understood or how easy it is to miss the signs. I'd tell him how boggled my mind was by the volume of resources available - books, blogs, forums, meetings. Who knew? I'd tell him that I knew I wasn't the right person to help him heal, but that I hoped he wouldn't hesitate to let me know if/when there was something I could do to help him on his path.... stressing how it IS his path, not mine. I would try to encourage him to at least read the ACA Bill of Rights to see if he identified with any of it:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ll-rights.html
I'd show humility & let him know all the ways that I was reaching out for help & hoped he was too. As a child of an alcoholic myself, my biggest relief came from having things finally labelled correctly & being called for what they really were. If you focus on what's out there to help him heal, he may just go looking sooner rather than later. Especially in this day & age when you can do so much of this privately from your own PC.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I'm glad you find it helpful. There's no "right" way so we have to sort through & pick up the pieces that make the best sense for each of us, you know?
I'd also have this convo with DD - strong or not, she'll benefit from the open communication & she may be someone that DS eventually feels comfortable reaching out to. ((((hugs)))))
I'd also have this convo with DD - strong or not, she'll benefit from the open communication & she may be someone that DS eventually feels comfortable reaching out to. ((((hugs)))))
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