Carrying the message...
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Carrying the message...
"Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs."
Hi to my all my SR friends!
I know the the 12th step is important. I know that I should share my experience, strength and hope with others who are struggling in their own journey. I have always felt so grateful to those who stuck around to help so many of us as we first arrive here scared, hurt, lost and angry. I have always felt a confused and a little, for a lack of a better word, resentful of those who took what they needed and moved on without ever giving back.
And yet as I sit here tonight, I feel unable to give back and for that, I am truly sorry! I just find it so difficult to read the posts of the new members just beginning to see the toxicity of their addicted loved one, their relationships with that person and often times - our own selves!
It's the same story over and over. The names change and the locations change but deep down it's all the same. Addiction is actually very predictable.
So please allow me to share what I have learned. Hopefully, it will help at least one person!!
I learned I truly didn't love myself. In fact, I am certain I didn't really know what love was. And that needed to be fixed!! Time and energy trying to fix anyone else was big waste of time that I can never get back. It was merely a distraction from really looking at myself honestly.
I learned that I had surrounded myself by takers . That was not a coincidence either BECAUSE I loved giving. Giving made me feel a sense of self worth. I learned I needed to find my own self worth and not look for others to give it to me.
I learned I could be very passive aggressive! That I was in fact very controlling and judgmental. I was a victim of my own negative thinking and self talk.
Expectations? Oh I had them!! I was the queen of expectations and that has been a struggle even today.
I also learned that being in any relationship with an addict was not really a relationship at all. It's just simply a very destruction cat and mouse game. A game no one wins! For me, it felt like selling my soul!! And my soul is NOT for sale for anyone!!
In a nutshell, I learned I was very codependent and I needed to put my efforts on fixing me! That I was worth it!
Lastly, thank you so much my SR friends who helped me from being "someone who 'loved' so much that it hurt, to loving myself enough to stop the pain."
Hi to my all my SR friends!
I know the the 12th step is important. I know that I should share my experience, strength and hope with others who are struggling in their own journey. I have always felt so grateful to those who stuck around to help so many of us as we first arrive here scared, hurt, lost and angry. I have always felt a confused and a little, for a lack of a better word, resentful of those who took what they needed and moved on without ever giving back.
And yet as I sit here tonight, I feel unable to give back and for that, I am truly sorry! I just find it so difficult to read the posts of the new members just beginning to see the toxicity of their addicted loved one, their relationships with that person and often times - our own selves!
It's the same story over and over. The names change and the locations change but deep down it's all the same. Addiction is actually very predictable.
So please allow me to share what I have learned. Hopefully, it will help at least one person!!
I learned I truly didn't love myself. In fact, I am certain I didn't really know what love was. And that needed to be fixed!! Time and energy trying to fix anyone else was big waste of time that I can never get back. It was merely a distraction from really looking at myself honestly.
I learned that I had surrounded myself by takers . That was not a coincidence either BECAUSE I loved giving. Giving made me feel a sense of self worth. I learned I needed to find my own self worth and not look for others to give it to me.
I learned I could be very passive aggressive! That I was in fact very controlling and judgmental. I was a victim of my own negative thinking and self talk.
Expectations? Oh I had them!! I was the queen of expectations and that has been a struggle even today.
I also learned that being in any relationship with an addict was not really a relationship at all. It's just simply a very destruction cat and mouse game. A game no one wins! For me, it felt like selling my soul!! And my soul is NOT for sale for anyone!!
In a nutshell, I learned I was very codependent and I needed to put my efforts on fixing me! That I was worth it!
Lastly, thank you so much my SR friends who helped me from being "someone who 'loved' so much that it hurt, to loving myself enough to stop the pain."
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
P.S. I learned I loving hummingbirds! I love listening and watching them. In fact, I love birds! All birds!! And I had no idea because I was too obsessed with "his" problems. His problems to fix, and Lord knows I had my own to address.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
LMN, You may not think you have anything to bring to the newcomer but I can personally vouch for the huge troubling times that you overcame. You were stuck because it was familiar, I think, and not knowing where you were going was terrifying. I may be wrong, but I remember how hard you tried to let go...and now it seems that you finally did. Others can learn so much from you, shake it loose girl and tell it like it is. 
That's how this works, not one of us could let go until we were ready. I couldn't yank it from you, lord knows I tried, lol, but I remember how hard it was for me to let go and for all of us. When the time is right we know...and even then it takes time.
I let go when I just could not hold on one more moment.
What I am trying to say is that I am so happy to see you here and I really hope you will stick around and share your good days and bad. It's a much nicer journey when we walk it together.
Hugs and Hugs and Welcome Back Hugs
That's how this works, not one of us could let go until we were ready. I couldn't yank it from you, lord knows I tried, lol, but I remember how hard it was for me to let go and for all of us. When the time is right we know...and even then it takes time.
I let go when I just could not hold on one more moment.
What I am trying to say is that I am so happy to see you here and I really hope you will stick around and share your good days and bad. It's a much nicer journey when we walk it together.
Hugs and Hugs and Welcome Back Hugs
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
I have always been of the opinion that you can't say anything wrong to the person that wants to hear and we can't say anything right to the one that doesn't.
All we have is our story and hopefully that is more than enough. We will never know how our words maybe just the thing that will start a person down the road of sobriety.
I truly believe that what we say is directed by my higher power
All we have is our story and hopefully that is more than enough. We will never know how our words maybe just the thing that will start a person down the road of sobriety.
I truly believe that what we say is directed by my higher power
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I have always been of the opinion that you can't say anything wrong to the person that wants to hear and we can't say anything right to the one that doesn't.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
It is good to see you!
Don’t worry about giving back. If you come here come for you. Be open and willing to still learn. Say what you wish to based on your experience. How it is received well that will always be way out of your control.
I hope that you are well and that life is treating you good.
Take care.
Don’t worry about giving back. If you come here come for you. Be open and willing to still learn. Say what you wish to based on your experience. How it is received well that will always be way out of your control.
I hope that you are well and that life is treating you good.
Take care.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Just had a seriously awesome Freudian slip.....was writing "lovemenow" and I accidently wrote "lovememore".
I appreciate what you wrote "lovemenow" and totally understand. What I love about this forum is that it is a place of so much wisdom.
Frequently I have not felt that I do not have anything to share, so that is when I sit and listen. I wish that wise words could spill out of me but that just doesn't happen on demand.
Sometimes I step away because my life is so different now and I am focusing on the positive and moving forward. It doesn't mean that I don't care though.....I, too, miss many of my "old friends" that use to post here and wonder how they are - and where they are!
I still work on keeping my focus on me and learning about self-worth. I realize the need to be important to others has been an attempt to feel self-worth. I've sought from other people the very thing that I need to supply to myself!
Anyway - I'm rambling....but it made me happy to sign on and "see" you and Ann!
Love you guys! Donna
I appreciate what you wrote "lovemenow" and totally understand. What I love about this forum is that it is a place of so much wisdom.
Frequently I have not felt that I do not have anything to share, so that is when I sit and listen. I wish that wise words could spill out of me but that just doesn't happen on demand.
Sometimes I step away because my life is so different now and I am focusing on the positive and moving forward. It doesn't mean that I don't care though.....I, too, miss many of my "old friends" that use to post here and wonder how they are - and where they are!
I still work on keeping my focus on me and learning about self-worth. I realize the need to be important to others has been an attempt to feel self-worth. I've sought from other people the very thing that I need to supply to myself!
Anyway - I'm rambling....but it made me happy to sign on and "see" you and Ann!
Love you guys! Donna
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
(((Lightseeker)))
So glad to see you too! Love your Freudian slip. We've come a long way.....baby!!!!
Miss so many of you, think about you often and hope and pray that life is treating you well.
So glad to see you too! Love your Freudian slip. We've come a long way.....baby!!!!
Miss so many of you, think about you often and hope and pray that life is treating you well.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
So great to see you back here, LMN, and even if you don't post much, it is good to know you are around again. I agree about how hard it can be to read new posts--that's when I just back off a bit and take it as a sign that I am tender to the power/intensity at that particular moment.
I love birds, too. I am glad you found them--such joy to find things to lighten our load and remind us that we are part of something so much bigger than all of our troubles, foibles, and stresses.
So glad you are happy and on track.
I love birds, too. I am glad you found them--such joy to find things to lighten our load and remind us that we are part of something so much bigger than all of our troubles, foibles, and stresses.
So glad you are happy and on track.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Thank you (((GardenMama).
We have all walked a journey I still wouldn't wish on anyone. But for today, I am happy and feel at peace about my decision. I hope and pray you are doing well and that your daughter is too!!
We have all walked a journey I still wouldn't wish on anyone. But for today, I am happy and feel at peace about my decision. I hope and pray you are doing well and that your daughter is too!!
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
A quick update on "him."
I seldom ever talk to him anymore. He has tried every manipulative tactic to get me to come back. IMO, it's not because he loves me, it's all in the name of protecting his addiction. He needs his enabler. Nothing less, nothing more.
His life continues to spiral out of control. He is no longer the man I once knew. He is somebody I do not respect or ever want in my life again. I will always love him for what was and care about him, but I can honestly say that I am not "in love" with him anymore.
The last time I spoke to him, about a month or so ago, he really pushed me too far. I could hear the frustration in his voice at every failed attempt to manipulate and control me! I am not sure if he so much sicker (says he is clean but I know differently) or I am far more healthier (probably both) but I am still shocked that I actually lived with such poison. It has become much easier to detach quickly. After he told me how selfish and cold I had become, I ended the call, blocked him and went out with a friend. I didn't give the call a second thought! In fact, I never told anyone because I truly just forgot about it.
Sadly though, he has been fairly successful in turning the kids (almost 22 and 20) against me. "I abandoned them, I am so selfish now" blah, blah, blah. I know they are confused. He is their bio father ( I am not their bio mother), they are stuck in remembering who he once was, and feel sorry for him. I get it! Despite it all, I am still very much at peace with my decision to leave. I know the kids know how much I love them and I leave the rest in God's hands.
I seldom ever talk to him anymore. He has tried every manipulative tactic to get me to come back. IMO, it's not because he loves me, it's all in the name of protecting his addiction. He needs his enabler. Nothing less, nothing more.
His life continues to spiral out of control. He is no longer the man I once knew. He is somebody I do not respect or ever want in my life again. I will always love him for what was and care about him, but I can honestly say that I am not "in love" with him anymore.
The last time I spoke to him, about a month or so ago, he really pushed me too far. I could hear the frustration in his voice at every failed attempt to manipulate and control me! I am not sure if he so much sicker (says he is clean but I know differently) or I am far more healthier (probably both) but I am still shocked that I actually lived with such poison. It has become much easier to detach quickly. After he told me how selfish and cold I had become, I ended the call, blocked him and went out with a friend. I didn't give the call a second thought! In fact, I never told anyone because I truly just forgot about it.
Sadly though, he has been fairly successful in turning the kids (almost 22 and 20) against me. "I abandoned them, I am so selfish now" blah, blah, blah. I know they are confused. He is their bio father ( I am not their bio mother), they are stuck in remembering who he once was, and feel sorry for him. I get it! Despite it all, I am still very much at peace with my decision to leave. I know the kids know how much I love them and I leave the rest in God's hands.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
LMN, I can hear the peace in your voice and I know that you will have wonderful new beginnings unfolding in your life. Finding the courage to stand alone and work to support yourself is a very good start to taking care of yourself.
I am so glad you came back, you drew Lightseeker in, she must have seen your light shining brightly, and it's always good to see old friends.
Hugs
I am so glad you came back, you drew Lightseeker in, she must have seen your light shining brightly, and it's always good to see old friends.
Hugs
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