Could he be addicted to AA?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 222
Could he be addicted to AA?
I am really having a hard time focusing on me. I see my codependency and with my husband saying he wants to leave it's kicking in to high gear. This man drove me nuts for 25 years. Now he has stopped drinking (6 months), lost weight, dresses great, made all new friends (AA), has all sorts of new hobbies and said he is done with me. I guess he wants to leave me behind with the drinking. Anyway, when we first realized he was an alcoholic, I begged him to go to AA. Finally he went but said he was nothing like those people. He was a high functioning alcoholic and apparently he thought he was better than those that couldn't "handle" their alcohol. He would go maybe once a week or once every other week. His therapist urged him to do more. He finally did and I guess, be careful what you wish for. He goes all the time, hangs out until 12 am with them after meetings, goes to big breakfast things with speakers, leaves work early to meet with his sponsor every week, etc. I'd asked him for years to leave early to spend time with me. I guess I didn't rank, but his sponsor does. I used to ask him to stay up late and watch a movie but he was always too tired. But not too tired to hang out and smoke cigars with the AA guys. He meets them for breakfast, dinner, etc. I'm glad he found a community of support, but it's like he found them and completely shut the door on me and our marriage.
Does the AA honeymoon end? Do I just accept that he said he doesn't love me and move on (why is this so damn hard)? Why does he do for AA all the things I would've asked of him? Sometimes I get so angry, but I don't like to go there. I have friends who are divorcing their husbands and they are so angry and it wastes so much energy. I want to be peaceful and happy. The book Codependency No More definitely helps me see that I am doing the codependent thing again which is still obsessing over him and what hes doing and ignoring me and my own needs.
Also, another question. He said that his sponsor said the focus of AA is service. That's it. No more, no less. Just service. He went to a meeting today and they stressed that as well. I was thinking service? Isn't it about doing the steps? Righting your wrongs? Making peace with those you've hurt? Learning how to communicate? Learning how to have relationships?
Sorry to ramble, just so much on my mind with this.
Just wondering what you all thought? This site has been a godsend. I thank each of you for the support you lend to me and each other.
Does the AA honeymoon end? Do I just accept that he said he doesn't love me and move on (why is this so damn hard)? Why does he do for AA all the things I would've asked of him? Sometimes I get so angry, but I don't like to go there. I have friends who are divorcing their husbands and they are so angry and it wastes so much energy. I want to be peaceful and happy. The book Codependency No More definitely helps me see that I am doing the codependent thing again which is still obsessing over him and what hes doing and ignoring me and my own needs.
Also, another question. He said that his sponsor said the focus of AA is service. That's it. No more, no less. Just service. He went to a meeting today and they stressed that as well. I was thinking service? Isn't it about doing the steps? Righting your wrongs? Making peace with those you've hurt? Learning how to communicate? Learning how to have relationships?
Sorry to ramble, just so much on my mind with this.
Just wondering what you all thought? This site has been a godsend. I thank each of you for the support you lend to me and each other.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
It could be he's switched one addiction for another. So sorry this is happening to you.
Originally Posted by FindingAmy 
I am really having a hard time focusing on me. I see my codependency and with my husband saying he wants to leave it's kicking in to high gear. This man drove me nuts for 25 years. Now he has stopped drinking (6 months), lost weight, dresses great, made all new friends (AA), has all sorts of new hobbies and said he is done with me. I guess he wants to leave me behind with the drinking. Anyway, when we first realized he was an alcoholic, I begged him to go to AA. Finally he went but said he was nothing like those people. He was a high functioning alcoholic and apparently he thought he was better than those that couldn't "handle" their alcohol. He would go maybe once a week or once every other week. His therapist urged him to do more. He finally did and I guess, be careful what you wish for. He goes all the time, hangs out until 12 am with them after meetings, goes to big breakfast things with speakers, leaves work early to meet with his sponsor every week, etc. I'd asked him for years to leave early to spend time with me. I guess I didn't rank, but his sponsor does. I used to ask him to stay up late and watch a movie but he was always too tired. But not too tired to hang out and smoke cigars with the AA guys. He meets them for breakfast, dinner, etc. I'm glad he found a community of support, but it's like he found them and completely shut the door on me and our marriage.
Does the AA honeymoon end? Do I just accept that he said he doesn't love me and move on (why is this so damn hard)? Why does he do for AA all the things I would've asked of him? Sometimes I get so angry, but I don't like to go there. I have friends who are divorcing their husbands and they are so angry and it wastes so much energy. I want to be peaceful and happy. The book Codependency No More definitely helps me see that I am doing the codependent thing again which is still obsessing over him and what hes doing and ignoring me and my own needs.
Also, another question. He said that his sponsor said the focus of AA is service. That's it. No more, no less. Just service. He went to a meeting today and they stressed that as well. I was thinking service? Isn't it about doing the steps? Righting your wrongs? Making peace with those you've hurt? Learning how to communicate? Learning how to have relationships?
Sorry to ramble, just so much on my mind with this.
Just wondering what you all thought? This site has been a godsend. I thank each of you for the support you lend to me and each other.
Does the AA honeymoon end? Do I just accept that he said he doesn't love me and move on (why is this so damn hard)? Why does he do for AA all the things I would've asked of him? Sometimes I get so angry, but I don't like to go there. I have friends who are divorcing their husbands and they are so angry and it wastes so much energy. I want to be peaceful and happy. The book Codependency No More definitely helps me see that I am doing the codependent thing again which is still obsessing over him and what hes doing and ignoring me and my own needs.
Also, another question. He said that his sponsor said the focus of AA is service. That's it. No more, no less. Just service. He went to a meeting today and they stressed that as well. I was thinking service? Isn't it about doing the steps? Righting your wrongs? Making peace with those you've hurt? Learning how to communicate? Learning how to have relationships?
Sorry to ramble, just so much on my mind with this.
Just wondering what you all thought? This site has been a godsend. I thank each of you for the support you lend to me and each other.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
The AA program is the 12 steps. No more, no less. Meeting attendance is not even required. Two people could meet in a coffee shop with the purpose of getting sober and call it an AA meeting.
No, AA does not teach about communication or healthy relationships.
The 12th step is carrying forward the message so yes, in a sense AA is about service work.
Some people do become completely wrapped up in AA. It becomes part of their life and part of who they are. Even after sobriety and recovery work a lot of relationships don't make it.
No, AA does not teach about communication or healthy relationships.
The 12th step is carrying forward the message so yes, in a sense AA is about service work.
Some people do become completely wrapped up in AA. It becomes part of their life and part of who they are. Even after sobriety and recovery work a lot of relationships don't make it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
there wasn't room for you before either right? when he was absorbed in drinking? drunk or sober he fails as a proper husband TO YOU. 25 plus years now? maybe it's time for some big changes in YOUR life?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
Posts: 1,007
Your marriage was broken at least in part because of his alcoholism. That's something that neither of you would deny.
On the face of it it seems like fixing the addiction should fix the marriage as well, and sometimes it does. Unfortunately though, sometimes it doesn't. He's not the same person now he was then. He may not yet even know who that person is.
Him throwing himself into AA may be what he needs to do to survive. Breaking old entrenched habits, learning new skill, relating to people in new way, may be vital to his chances of full recovery.
I'm not sure if "addicted" to AA would be the right way of looking at it. If he were clinging to a life raft in the middle of a raging sea, you wouldn't say he was addicted to the life raft, would you? It sounds to me like maybe he's trying to throw himself into the program so as to protect his sobriety. That's a good thing, isn't it?
None the less, it hurt like an SOB when we've loved someone for so long, and prayed for them so hard, to finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.... Then out of the blue they're off with a tip of the hat and a "nice knowin' ya."
I'm sorry you're going through this. You deserve to be loved and respected by someone who is fully present. Be kind to yourself, and remember that his addiction affected you as well. You may have some broken bits that need attending to also. The process of fixing those broken bits can do wonders in helping us move forward past the nightmare of living with addiction.
(((((( hugs ))))))
On the face of it it seems like fixing the addiction should fix the marriage as well, and sometimes it does. Unfortunately though, sometimes it doesn't. He's not the same person now he was then. He may not yet even know who that person is.
Him throwing himself into AA may be what he needs to do to survive. Breaking old entrenched habits, learning new skill, relating to people in new way, may be vital to his chances of full recovery.
I'm not sure if "addicted" to AA would be the right way of looking at it. If he were clinging to a life raft in the middle of a raging sea, you wouldn't say he was addicted to the life raft, would you? It sounds to me like maybe he's trying to throw himself into the program so as to protect his sobriety. That's a good thing, isn't it?
None the less, it hurt like an SOB when we've loved someone for so long, and prayed for them so hard, to finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.... Then out of the blue they're off with a tip of the hat and a "nice knowin' ya."
I'm sorry you're going through this. You deserve to be loved and respected by someone who is fully present. Be kind to yourself, and remember that his addiction affected you as well. You may have some broken bits that need attending to also. The process of fixing those broken bits can do wonders in helping us move forward past the nightmare of living with addiction.
(((((( hugs ))))))
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
"Also, another question. He said that his sponsor said the focus of AA is service. That's it. No more, no less. Just service. He went to a meeting today and they stressed that as well. I was thinking service? Isn't it about doing the steps? Righting your wrongs? Making peace with those you've hurt? Learning how to communicate? Learning how to have relationships?"
ive been in aa for a while now and like to think i practice the principles
retty good in all my affairs.
yes, people do get addicted to aa. i was one of them. all service to aa. i changed addictions.
things changed,though as i grew and studied the bb more with people tnat truly knew the big book. heres one part that came to mind reading your post:
None of us makes a sole vocation of this work, nor do we think its effectiveness would be increased if we did. We feel that elimination of our drinking is but a beginning. A much more important demonstration of our principles lies before us in our respective homes, occupations and affairs. All of us spend much of our spare time in the sort of effort which we are going to describe. A few are fortunate enough to be so situated that they can give nearly all their time to the work.
it happens. THE program can be watered down and even some sponsors can fear a sponsee with things like" meeting makers make it" or "if ya want to find out how many meetings you need, cut back. when ya drink, youll know how many you need" or "only go to meetings on the days ya drank."
welp, meetings are important. service work is to.
however
going to meetings,doing service work, and not drinking do not treat alcoholism.
working the steps and living the principles is what makes us recover from the hopeless state of body and mind.
getting wrapped up in aa and service work and neglecting life outside aa is
selfish, living in fear, and not living the spiritual principles.
and one other thing thats my opinion:
rather codependancy behavior
ok,so, onto you.....
youve prolly been a codie for some time? it really isnt a terrible,horrible thing. we codies (yup, im a recovering alcoholic a d a codie.... my life was reeeeeaaaaaly unmanagable!!!)have some pretty dam good qualities. its not tne giving so much as when we do it and the motive behind it.
its taken a lot of work for me to get to where i am with the codie part( and a certain someone with a pink crowbar to keep poppin my head outta my arse and to answer alot of questions,and to not beat around the bush and tell me like it is. and not allowing me to point the finger too much). ill honestly say some lf what i saw and learned about me hurt a wee bit.
but ka know, thats when healing and change started. showing self love by not allowing unacceptable behavior in my life. by saying NO!
man, that there lil 2 letter word can be hard to say still.
soooo, PLEASE share and ask what YOU should do in the situations you will, be facing. theres is some seriously awesome support here. ive learned a LOT just reading in the f&f forum
ive been in aa for a while now and like to think i practice the principles
retty good in all my affairs.
yes, people do get addicted to aa. i was one of them. all service to aa. i changed addictions.
things changed,though as i grew and studied the bb more with people tnat truly knew the big book. heres one part that came to mind reading your post:
None of us makes a sole vocation of this work, nor do we think its effectiveness would be increased if we did. We feel that elimination of our drinking is but a beginning. A much more important demonstration of our principles lies before us in our respective homes, occupations and affairs. All of us spend much of our spare time in the sort of effort which we are going to describe. A few are fortunate enough to be so situated that they can give nearly all their time to the work.
it happens. THE program can be watered down and even some sponsors can fear a sponsee with things like" meeting makers make it" or "if ya want to find out how many meetings you need, cut back. when ya drink, youll know how many you need" or "only go to meetings on the days ya drank."
welp, meetings are important. service work is to.
however
going to meetings,doing service work, and not drinking do not treat alcoholism.
working the steps and living the principles is what makes us recover from the hopeless state of body and mind.
getting wrapped up in aa and service work and neglecting life outside aa is
selfish, living in fear, and not living the spiritual principles.
and one other thing thats my opinion:
rather codependancy behavior
ok,so, onto you.....
youve prolly been a codie for some time? it really isnt a terrible,horrible thing. we codies (yup, im a recovering alcoholic a d a codie.... my life was reeeeeaaaaaly unmanagable!!!)have some pretty dam good qualities. its not tne giving so much as when we do it and the motive behind it.
its taken a lot of work for me to get to where i am with the codie part( and a certain someone with a pink crowbar to keep poppin my head outta my arse and to answer alot of questions,and to not beat around the bush and tell me like it is. and not allowing me to point the finger too much). ill honestly say some lf what i saw and learned about me hurt a wee bit.
but ka know, thats when healing and change started. showing self love by not allowing unacceptable behavior in my life. by saying NO!
man, that there lil 2 letter word can be hard to say still.
soooo, PLEASE share and ask what YOU should do in the situations you will, be facing. theres is some seriously awesome support here. ive learned a LOT just reading in the f&f forum
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Amy,
You need to be working your program. What are you doing to stop your addiction? "him".. I don't want to be mean, but he has picked up another addiction and obsessing over it, but you need to detach from him. The only way is finding out what you are doing wrong and trying to help yourself. I am so sorry that you waited so long to get him sober and he can't be present for that either.
Getting healthy, dressing nice, working out, breakfast and dinner meetings and staying out to midnight? Do you think that he might be seeing someone in his AA groups?
Sorry to ask???
You need to be working your program. What are you doing to stop your addiction? "him".. I don't want to be mean, but he has picked up another addiction and obsessing over it, but you need to detach from him. The only way is finding out what you are doing wrong and trying to help yourself. I am so sorry that you waited so long to get him sober and he can't be present for that either.
Getting healthy, dressing nice, working out, breakfast and dinner meetings and staying out to midnight? Do you think that he might be seeing someone in his AA groups?
Sorry to ask???
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: ohio
Posts: 3,615
Hi Amy,
One of the aa promises goes something like this... "We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it." To me, that means we put our past behind us, but don't shut it out completely. When I sobered up, it was tempting to walk away from everything I had and was when I was a drunk. Even my relationship seemed like a big fat drag to try to rebuild. Every time I looked my partner in the eye, I could see my mistakes and my problems.
It sounds like he wants to shut the door on his past rather than deal with it.
Service is a good thing, it helps us feel useful, worthwhile again. It helps us feel like we are helping others achieve the precious gift of sobriety that we found for ourselves. It occupies our minds and our time, so it helps us stay sober. But service is NOT the sum of aa.
The importance of aa lies in all the steps. The steps help us deal with and rebuild our lives. I'm totally with other posters who said it's not how many meetings you attend or how many aa's you hang out with, it's how you practice the principles. Aa in my opinion is a plan that allows us to have a good life, become good people. Aa isn't supposed to become our life.
One of the aa promises goes something like this... "We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it." To me, that means we put our past behind us, but don't shut it out completely. When I sobered up, it was tempting to walk away from everything I had and was when I was a drunk. Even my relationship seemed like a big fat drag to try to rebuild. Every time I looked my partner in the eye, I could see my mistakes and my problems.
It sounds like he wants to shut the door on his past rather than deal with it.
Service is a good thing, it helps us feel useful, worthwhile again. It helps us feel like we are helping others achieve the precious gift of sobriety that we found for ourselves. It occupies our minds and our time, so it helps us stay sober. But service is NOT the sum of aa.
The importance of aa lies in all the steps. The steps help us deal with and rebuild our lives. I'm totally with other posters who said it's not how many meetings you attend or how many aa's you hang out with, it's how you practice the principles. Aa in my opinion is a plan that allows us to have a good life, become good people. Aa isn't supposed to become our life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 222
Wow, all of these comments are so helpful. I think I just want everything to be ok. I feel like what it really comes down to is that he is working on himself and I need to work on me. He has moved on.
wehav2day, you are so right. He does want to shut the door on his past rather than deal with it. He does say every time he looks at me he sees pain that he caused. He says he can't heal while he's around me. "Big fat drag" was a good way of putting it, unfortunately. Never thought I'd be a "big fat drag" to someone. I need to work on my codependence and myself. I'd love to spend my life with someone who appreciates me rather than runs the other way when I walk into a room.
As far as him and AA, I need to let that go. If he isn't able to have a relationship with me I guess I can't keep comparing it to his other relationships. That's his journey. I just wish I could really get there and truly let it go.
maia1234 i have no idea if he met someone in AA who he wants to be with. I honestly don't know much of anything anymore. And I don't really believe anything either. He has lied to me for so many years. He told me the other day he doesn't even know how to tell the truth. He said he lies just to lie. He said it's a habit he can't break. I can't wrap my head around that one. It made me realize how sick he is.
My husband is the "nicest guy", "salt of the earth". People just love him as he is so sweet and kind. But he would never treat me any better than he did everyone else. I was not special. And I realize that now, as he does treat me differently than everyone else, but not in a positive way.
tomsteve, how did you work on the codie part? I need that pink crowbar wielder! I assume awareness is the answer. But I guess I need to get to the point where I really love myself and insist on more for myself than being discarded constantly. I would never want my daughter to be treated like this, not sure why i allow it for myself. Ugh, so much work to do.
SeriousKarma thanks for your kind words. "You deserve to be loved and respected by someone who is fully present." That is key. He is not present. It pains him to be nice to me. That is not a relationship. I don't want to be with someone that needs to "learn to like me."
At 49 years old, finally an empty nester, this is not what I expected my future to look like. At all. It's supposed to be "easy" now. What the heck happened!?
Thank you all for your support. Im going to an Alanon meeting on the beach this morning and am looking forward to it. Thanks for encouraging me to do that.
wehav2day, you are so right. He does want to shut the door on his past rather than deal with it. He does say every time he looks at me he sees pain that he caused. He says he can't heal while he's around me. "Big fat drag" was a good way of putting it, unfortunately. Never thought I'd be a "big fat drag" to someone. I need to work on my codependence and myself. I'd love to spend my life with someone who appreciates me rather than runs the other way when I walk into a room.
As far as him and AA, I need to let that go. If he isn't able to have a relationship with me I guess I can't keep comparing it to his other relationships. That's his journey. I just wish I could really get there and truly let it go.
maia1234 i have no idea if he met someone in AA who he wants to be with. I honestly don't know much of anything anymore. And I don't really believe anything either. He has lied to me for so many years. He told me the other day he doesn't even know how to tell the truth. He said he lies just to lie. He said it's a habit he can't break. I can't wrap my head around that one. It made me realize how sick he is.
My husband is the "nicest guy", "salt of the earth". People just love him as he is so sweet and kind. But he would never treat me any better than he did everyone else. I was not special. And I realize that now, as he does treat me differently than everyone else, but not in a positive way.
tomsteve, how did you work on the codie part? I need that pink crowbar wielder! I assume awareness is the answer. But I guess I need to get to the point where I really love myself and insist on more for myself than being discarded constantly. I would never want my daughter to be treated like this, not sure why i allow it for myself. Ugh, so much work to do.
SeriousKarma thanks for your kind words. "You deserve to be loved and respected by someone who is fully present." That is key. He is not present. It pains him to be nice to me. That is not a relationship. I don't want to be with someone that needs to "learn to like me."
At 49 years old, finally an empty nester, this is not what I expected my future to look like. At all. It's supposed to be "easy" now. What the heck happened!?
Thank you all for your support. Im going to an Alanon meeting on the beach this morning and am looking forward to it. Thanks for encouraging me to do that.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,236
I found a lot of what you shared in your
post similar to my own situation and
experiences. However, I was the one
in recovery while the rest of my little
family had no problems with addiction.
My husband and his parents did an
intervention on me back in 1990
getting me help for my illness and
addiction when I wasn't capable of
doing it myself.
We were married in 82 and had 2
beautiful little ones before entering
recovery. I did my 28 rehab stay before
returning home learning, applying many
helpful tools and knowledge of my
addiction recovery program to my
everyday life.
We remained married raising our
2 all to the best of our ability getting
them grown, healthy, educated before
we had our empty nest.
My husband did attend several al-anon
meetings right after I returned home from
rehab and he learned the word detachment.
As I continued on living and incorporating
my recovery program in my everyday life,
our marriage slowly lost understanding and
communication between us. Family didn't
comprehend my recovery and its importance
of it as I didn't understand them for not
understanding it.
Without everyone in the family taking part
in some sort of recovery program suited
for each member of our family to remain
united then we were doomed to separate
and go our separate ways.
When the nest became empty all I
wanted was my husband. Just him and
I. However, he seemed to be married
to his job, his parents/family and not
to me.
I was raised to believe that once your
kids are grown and gone then the married
couple become one and live a healthy,
happy life together as one.
Well, selfishly, I wanted that more than
anything and yet it wasn't meant to be
as we ended out marriage at 25 yrs.
I often think that if he had taken care
of my heart then we would have remained
married for yrs to come. Sadly he didn't.
However, when one door closes and other
one opens and with faith and recovery I was
returned to my hometown and blessed with
my now husband of 7 yrs now.
It never ceases to amaze me how I
have been taken care of in all lifes
struggles by placing my will and life
into the hands of my HP to guide me,
take care of me, bless me.
I was soooo unhappy, discontent,
restless in my 1st marriage and now
Im healthy, happy, honest, continueing
to live in my recovery life.
I know my selfishness wanting what
I wanted from my 1st husband caused
so much unhappiness, neediness, but,
was it to much to want what the heart
wants?
My husband today is a gift from Above
and never do I have to feel alone or worry
that we are here for each other.
Addiction affects all those involved and
there are an abundance, many programs
available to help, teach, them to either
stay together, understand, communicate
with each other to remain healthy, happy,
honest in all areas of their, our lives.
post similar to my own situation and
experiences. However, I was the one
in recovery while the rest of my little
family had no problems with addiction.
My husband and his parents did an
intervention on me back in 1990
getting me help for my illness and
addiction when I wasn't capable of
doing it myself.
We were married in 82 and had 2
beautiful little ones before entering
recovery. I did my 28 rehab stay before
returning home learning, applying many
helpful tools and knowledge of my
addiction recovery program to my
everyday life.
We remained married raising our
2 all to the best of our ability getting
them grown, healthy, educated before
we had our empty nest.
My husband did attend several al-anon
meetings right after I returned home from
rehab and he learned the word detachment.
As I continued on living and incorporating
my recovery program in my everyday life,
our marriage slowly lost understanding and
communication between us. Family didn't
comprehend my recovery and its importance
of it as I didn't understand them for not
understanding it.
Without everyone in the family taking part
in some sort of recovery program suited
for each member of our family to remain
united then we were doomed to separate
and go our separate ways.
When the nest became empty all I
wanted was my husband. Just him and
I. However, he seemed to be married
to his job, his parents/family and not
to me.
I was raised to believe that once your
kids are grown and gone then the married
couple become one and live a healthy,
happy life together as one.
Well, selfishly, I wanted that more than
anything and yet it wasn't meant to be
as we ended out marriage at 25 yrs.
I often think that if he had taken care
of my heart then we would have remained
married for yrs to come. Sadly he didn't.
However, when one door closes and other
one opens and with faith and recovery I was
returned to my hometown and blessed with
my now husband of 7 yrs now.
It never ceases to amaze me how I
have been taken care of in all lifes
struggles by placing my will and life
into the hands of my HP to guide me,
take care of me, bless me.
I was soooo unhappy, discontent,
restless in my 1st marriage and now
Im healthy, happy, honest, continueing
to live in my recovery life.
I know my selfishness wanting what
I wanted from my 1st husband caused
so much unhappiness, neediness, but,
was it to much to want what the heart
wants?
My husband today is a gift from Above
and never do I have to feel alone or worry
that we are here for each other.
Addiction affects all those involved and
there are an abundance, many programs
available to help, teach, them to either
stay together, understand, communicate
with each other to remain healthy, happy,
honest in all areas of their, our lives.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
amy, i used 12 steps. same steps i used for getting sober.
and theres quite a few crowbars here! might be of varying colors, but what i read and my opinion is they work pretty good!!
them people with the crowbars have been in the same shoes and also have a lot of compassion.
and theres quite a few crowbars here! might be of varying colors, but what i read and my opinion is they work pretty good!!
them people with the crowbars have been in the same shoes and also have a lot of compassion.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Amy,
I to had to start over, as many of us spouses do. I turned 50 years old 12 days after my divorce of 26 years married, 34 together.
You can do this, not saying that it is easy. My therapist once told me its easy to stay in a horrible marriage, its hard to go through a divorce.
Hugs my friend, we are here for you, take care of you!!
I to had to start over, as many of us spouses do. I turned 50 years old 12 days after my divorce of 26 years married, 34 together.
You can do this, not saying that it is easy. My therapist once told me its easy to stay in a horrible marriage, its hard to go through a divorce.
Hugs my friend, we are here for you, take care of you!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
How have you changed over 25 years? Are you fun and spontaneous? have you and your husband spent quality time with each other reaching your goals, laughing, enriching your relationship?
I. Doubt. It.
Here's what happens to us codies, we try to control and manage, we beg and plead, we sacrifice our own happiness for the better of the family. All the while YOU become someone different in the same way that HE became a deeper, more out of control alcoholic. There is no fun because WE aren't fun. We are miserable often times just as sick as the alcoholic in our lives.
This is why I encourage people who ask how to go about salvaging the marriage to both get help because the codependent needs it just as much as the Drunk. Now he has gone through his program, what about you? have you unprogrammed all those unhealthy behaviors? Did he walk in sober, and all of a sudden you were back to the girl he married before alcoholism and codependency ravaged your relationship?
I suggest you get into therapy and work the steps of Al Anon, spend the next year healing and getting your own self right. You may find that at the end of that rainbow you don't want him. You aren't the right fit, too much water under the bridge. Maybe YOU may want something more and different and he can't provide it.
i know it hurts and I am sorry for that, I'm sorry you stuck it out for so long and it must seem like a huge betrayal since you stayed when you probably should have left, and were begged not to.
He may have just done you the biggest favor of your life. I hope so.
I. Doubt. It.
Here's what happens to us codies, we try to control and manage, we beg and plead, we sacrifice our own happiness for the better of the family. All the while YOU become someone different in the same way that HE became a deeper, more out of control alcoholic. There is no fun because WE aren't fun. We are miserable often times just as sick as the alcoholic in our lives.
This is why I encourage people who ask how to go about salvaging the marriage to both get help because the codependent needs it just as much as the Drunk. Now he has gone through his program, what about you? have you unprogrammed all those unhealthy behaviors? Did he walk in sober, and all of a sudden you were back to the girl he married before alcoholism and codependency ravaged your relationship?
I suggest you get into therapy and work the steps of Al Anon, spend the next year healing and getting your own self right. You may find that at the end of that rainbow you don't want him. You aren't the right fit, too much water under the bridge. Maybe YOU may want something more and different and he can't provide it.
i know it hurts and I am sorry for that, I'm sorry you stuck it out for so long and it must seem like a huge betrayal since you stayed when you probably should have left, and were begged not to.
He may have just done you the biggest favor of your life. I hope so.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Oh my-your words, Redlanta. Seriously. Thanks for sharing your wisdom as you put it so much more eloquently than I ever could !! That's exactly why I sought help-I was just as messed up as he was being codependent trying to manage and control and save. Lot of work to rebuild. Still a work in progress. OP-I'm sorry for what you're going through-I agree with others that have said a recovery program should help you rebuild your life, not become your life. There is a difference.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Originally Posted by aasharon90
I found a lot of what you shared in your
post similar to my own situation and
experiences. However, I was the one
in recovery while the rest of my little
family had no problems with addiction.
My husband and his parents did an
intervention on me back in 1990
getting me help for my illness and
addiction when I wasn't capable of
doing it myself.
We were married in 82 and had 2
beautiful little ones before entering
recovery. I did my 28 rehab stay before
returning home learning, applying many
helpful tools and knowledge of my
addiction recovery program to my
everyday life.
We remained married raising our
2 all to the best of our ability getting
them grown, healthy, educated before
we had our empty nest.
My husband did attend several al-anon
meetings right after I returned home from
rehab and he learned the word detachment.
As I continued on living and incorporating
my recovery program in my everyday life,
our marriage slowly lost understanding and
communication between us. Family didn't
comprehend my recovery and its importance
of it as I didn't understand them for not
understanding it.
Without everyone in the family taking part
in some sort of recovery program suited
for each member of our family to remain
united then we were doomed to separate
and go our separate ways.
When the nest became empty all I
wanted was my husband. Just him and
I. However, he seemed to be married
to his job, his parents/family and not
to me.
I was raised to believe that once your
kids are grown and gone then the married
couple become one and live a healthy,
happy life together as one.
Well, selfishly, I wanted that more than
anything and yet it wasn't meant to be
as we ended out marriage at 25 yrs.
I often think that if he had taken care
of my heart then we would have remained
married for yrs to come. Sadly he didn't.
However, when one door closes and other
one opens and with faith and recovery I was
returned to my hometown and blessed with
my now husband of 7 yrs now.
It never ceases to amaze me how I
have been taken care of in all lifes
struggles by placing my will and life
into the hands of my HP to guide me,
take care of me, bless me.
I was soooo unhappy, discontent,
restless in my 1st marriage and now
Im healthy, happy, honest, continueing
to live in my recovery life.
I know my selfishness wanting what
I wanted from my 1st husband caused
so much unhappiness, neediness, but,
was it to much to want what the heart
wants?
My husband today is a gift from Above
and never do I have to feel alone or worry
that we are here for each other.
Addiction affects all those involved and
there are an abundance, many programs
available to help, teach, them to either
stay together, understand, communicate
with each other to remain healthy, happy,
honest in all areas of their, our lives.
post similar to my own situation and
experiences. However, I was the one
in recovery while the rest of my little
family had no problems with addiction.
My husband and his parents did an
intervention on me back in 1990
getting me help for my illness and
addiction when I wasn't capable of
doing it myself.
We were married in 82 and had 2
beautiful little ones before entering
recovery. I did my 28 rehab stay before
returning home learning, applying many
helpful tools and knowledge of my
addiction recovery program to my
everyday life.
We remained married raising our
2 all to the best of our ability getting
them grown, healthy, educated before
we had our empty nest.
My husband did attend several al-anon
meetings right after I returned home from
rehab and he learned the word detachment.
As I continued on living and incorporating
my recovery program in my everyday life,
our marriage slowly lost understanding and
communication between us. Family didn't
comprehend my recovery and its importance
of it as I didn't understand them for not
understanding it.
Without everyone in the family taking part
in some sort of recovery program suited
for each member of our family to remain
united then we were doomed to separate
and go our separate ways.
When the nest became empty all I
wanted was my husband. Just him and
I. However, he seemed to be married
to his job, his parents/family and not
to me.
I was raised to believe that once your
kids are grown and gone then the married
couple become one and live a healthy,
happy life together as one.
Well, selfishly, I wanted that more than
anything and yet it wasn't meant to be
as we ended out marriage at 25 yrs.
I often think that if he had taken care
of my heart then we would have remained
married for yrs to come. Sadly he didn't.
However, when one door closes and other
one opens and with faith and recovery I was
returned to my hometown and blessed with
my now husband of 7 yrs now.
It never ceases to amaze me how I
have been taken care of in all lifes
struggles by placing my will and life
into the hands of my HP to guide me,
take care of me, bless me.
I was soooo unhappy, discontent,
restless in my 1st marriage and now
Im healthy, happy, honest, continueing
to live in my recovery life.
I know my selfishness wanting what
I wanted from my 1st husband caused
so much unhappiness, neediness, but,
was it to much to want what the heart
wants?
My husband today is a gift from Above
and never do I have to feel alone or worry
that we are here for each other.
Addiction affects all those involved and
there are an abundance, many programs
available to help, teach, them to either
stay together, understand, communicate
with each other to remain healthy, happy,
honest in all areas of their, our lives.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 278
FindingAmy - the clue's in your user name.
It's not at all unusual to think that if only the addict would stop drinking/using drugs/gambling/insert addictive behaviour of your choice, then everything would be OK with the relationship. I've also known a couple of guys with 20+ years of recovery in AA, who I would describe as being amongst the most wonderful people I've ever met.
But it took years before they focused on the world beyond themselves and their addictions.
For 25 years your husband was the focus of your life, and he wasn't available to you. Now he's still the focus of your life, and he still isn't available to you.
You don't say whether you're in Alanon or CoDA, but I have found both of these programs enormously helpful in tackling the sense of betrayal, abandonment and mind-messing which accompany life with an addict. Waiting for him to change before you can be happy is one of the traps of codependency - but you can learn to be happy anyway.
It isn't an easy process, but there are plenty of online resources (including this website!) which can help, as well as meeting with people who will REALLY understand you.
(((HUGS)))
It's not at all unusual to think that if only the addict would stop drinking/using drugs/gambling/insert addictive behaviour of your choice, then everything would be OK with the relationship. I've also known a couple of guys with 20+ years of recovery in AA, who I would describe as being amongst the most wonderful people I've ever met.
But it took years before they focused on the world beyond themselves and their addictions.
For 25 years your husband was the focus of your life, and he wasn't available to you. Now he's still the focus of your life, and he still isn't available to you.
You don't say whether you're in Alanon or CoDA, but I have found both of these programs enormously helpful in tackling the sense of betrayal, abandonment and mind-messing which accompany life with an addict. Waiting for him to change before you can be happy is one of the traps of codependency - but you can learn to be happy anyway.
It isn't an easy process, but there are plenty of online resources (including this website!) which can help, as well as meeting with people who will REALLY understand you.
(((HUGS)))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 222
Rosalba thanks for the post. I do realize my codependency played a big part in it and I see how his leaving me is really getting it all fired up. I have been reading and reading and reading. Books, blogs, posts, etc. This site has been so helpful to hear that my story isn't so unique. That so many others have walked this same path to an extent. I went to AlAnon this weekend and that was helpful to hear the other stories and hear from people who have made it to the other side of the pain. I talked with several afterwards and asked "HOW?". Most said they went to meetings alot and just looked for the bright spot in each day. I realize one thing I need to do is stop focusing on him. I went out with a friend last night to the movies and said let's talk about anything but him. I found it made it a much more enjoyable evening and focused on me and my friend. I guess it's just these little moments that will become larger. It just gives me a little kick in the stomach when I think that wow, he really is leaving me, after 25 years. I think coming to the reality of it all is the hardest part.
Hearing though from people who say it's going to be ok, and they have been there, is a glimmer of hope for me. Thanks for the post. And what is CoDA? i figure it's a group for codependency. Are they everywhere?
In the meanwhile, I'll be hanging around this site, reading my books, continuing therapy and continuing with Alanon and keep praying that it all comes together. I really have no other choice but to just have faith that I'll be ok. It's just so damn sad.
Hearing though from people who say it's going to be ok, and they have been there, is a glimmer of hope for me. Thanks for the post. And what is CoDA? i figure it's a group for codependency. Are they everywhere?
In the meanwhile, I'll be hanging around this site, reading my books, continuing therapy and continuing with Alanon and keep praying that it all comes together. I really have no other choice but to just have faith that I'll be ok. It's just so damn sad.
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