nutmeg19

Has anyone else's spouse been in a very long-term program (such as 12 months)? Especially with a no-contact policy of the entire length of stay (9-12 months)?

I'm having a really hard time. I don't particularly like or trust the rehab he's in, I feel like we were tricked into it with false info...but at this point, I don't know what else to do. He's the one who came to me and said he wanted rehab. Originally he wanted a 3-month out-patient program, but we talked more about it and he then decided that a 3-6 month inpatient would be better. He's a former heroin user who relapsed with narcotic pain pills due to stress from PTSD (he's a vet). He had been sober for 2 years before the relapse. I've never known him on drugs but knew of his drug-using past well.
Anyway, so he sought help and he's been in this 12-month rehab for 2 1/2 months so far (since August 7, 2015)...and he can't have any contact at all (in ANY way) with anyone he's ever known for 9-12 months.

It's been a nightmare, to say the least. I am having my own MAJOR issues with my current life's situation right now (had to move back in with my literally psychotic mother...I'm honestly considering going to a shelter with my daughter rather than live here in this insanity, it isn't good for my mental or physical well-being, nor my own sobriety, which has been 10+ years)...but I digress...

At first I was freaking out inside, barely functioning on auto-pilot on the outside...and now 2 1/2 months in, I am just surrendering and sort of accepting it all. It is what it is. The thing is...I know this is good for him, I know he's safe and sober. And I know this is even harder on him than it is on me. However, I am still struggling.

I want to hear from people who have spouses in long-term treatment homes! I feel so alone...no one really understands HOW THIS FEELS for ME. No one gets it! I hear people complain over their spouse being in 1-3 month rehabs, where they have contact every day or week and I think, "omg, I'm going to go nuts"...can anyone else relate to how it feels to have a spouse in a longer-term rehab? I don't want to feel alone, it makes me feel crazy. I WANT him to stay and get healthy and have a fighting chance at LIFE.

cynical one

I've never heard of a rehab that doesn't allow any contact after the initial blackout period. The strictest program I've heard of is Teen Challenge which only allows phone contact and visitation with immediate family and legal spouses. But I believe they do allow snail mail with partners and friends. I find this to be very unusual. Are you comfortable with sharing the name of the rehab he is at?

JimC60

Nutmeg,

I am with Cynical - never heard of a rehab which did not allow contact with spouses / immediate family after an initial black out period.

This part of your post sounded positive - "He's the one who came to me and said he wanted rehab. " I would take that as a very good sign.

I cannot fully relate to the separation pain you are experiencing - my daughter was in a one month rehab - I am certain that does not realy compare. No contact for 1 week, then 10 minutes telephone per week, 2 hours of face to face visitation per week on Sunday afternoons. Unlimited snail mail.

"I don't particularly like or trust the rehab he's in, I feel like we were tricked into it with false info..." That does not sound too good...I would tend to do some web based investigation -- if you look around you can usually find some web based reviews of various rehabs -- on independent sites, not the rehab's site. You could try this one: https://www.thefix.com/rehab-reviews

Sorry to hear you and your daughter are going through this.

One day at a time,

Jim

JOIE12

do you have full knowledge that he is actually still in rehab ?

nutmeg19

EVERYONE I talk to about this has said the same thing. Everyone. Even his sponsor was shocked by the strictness of this place. I'm not entirely comfortable with this place at all.

As for sharing the name of it, I'm still weary about doing so. We found it through the VA, it's a free facility, here in southern California.

nutmeg19

Yes, he's still there. I call in and get an "update" once or twice a month. Basically they just say the same thing every time I have called: that he is still there, he's doing very well, he's sober, etc. It's just general info, nothing personal about him.

nutmeg19

Oh he definitely wants help. He doesn't want to go back to that life of addiction again. He doesn't want to put us through that. He WANTS this and initiated it.

As for my distrust of the rehab...I am TRYING to keep an open mind and learn all I can, so that I can make a well-informed opinion. I have already done research on the place and spoken with multiple people who went there. I have gotten mixed reviews. The general consensus is that it's a good facility for certain individuals (men that have been homeless for a long time, using for a long time, haven't been able to keep a job, has been abusive or violent, have nowhere else to turn, etc) but that this place may not be right for a man like my fiancé (he's never been homeless, never been jobless, was sober for a few years before this relapse, has a strong support system, has never ever been abusive or violent, etc). I have been told that the facility is very secretive, they try to keep the men there for as long as they can (most of the men in the facility currently have been there 2-3 years), etc. I just think a different facility would have suited him better and our situation better. I now have four kids (my daughter and my three stepkids) who are confused and missing their dad and have NO way to contact him for a year. It seems absurd, honestly.

But at this point...he's been in for 2 1/2 months already...even if I could somehow tell him of other programs and he chooses to leave, why have him start over again at another place? We both feel that we prefer he does 3-6 months at the very least, which is what we were originally told this program was (we were told it was a 6-month program, only to find out the day of admittance that it was a 12+ month program). So why have him do nearly 3 months here and then leave and go somewhere else for 3-6 more months? The ONLY thing I am really stressed about is the no-contact policy! Even if there was very minimal contact, it would be easier to deal with. And this program he's in has no family reunification at all...like I said, they prefer to keep the men in for as long as possible (years) and one guy there even told me that they don't recommend the men have families. o.O

cynical one

If what you are saying is factual, and someone I cared about was supposedly in this facility. I would be on their doorstep TODAY demanding proof of life. And then I would yank him out of there as quickly as possible, leaving all personal possessions behind if necessary. At this point he could already be in a third world country after being sold in human trafficking. A year from now all traces of his existence could be gone. This is NOT normal. This IS dangerous.

nutmeg19

No, I know for a fact he's there. They have a website and I recently saw a picture of all the men standing in front of the place, and he was in the picture.
He's not being sold into slavery or anything. This is an established program we found through the VA (they have a contract...the VA sends men to them).

Needabreak

I can't imagine a rehab that wouldn't let a wife speak to her husband for a year. Sounds like some kind of cult. Are his parents or any other family members in touch?

Not sure if you're looking for suggestions, or just sympathy, but since you're not willing to divulge the name of the facility, there's not much that I or other members can contribute.

Since this is the stated rule that the facility follows, I guess that either you will have to figure out a way to get him out, or you will just have to deal with it. And hope that, when the year of not being in touch is over, he hasn't been brainwashed, that he still remembers who you are and wants to be with you.

nutmeg19

The only other person who is allowed the minimal updates on him is his grandmother...so just her and myself, because we're the only ones he put on his emergency contact list. He is to have zero contact of any kind with anyone he's ever known. For 9-12 months, they said. And I feel kooky for thinking "brainwash!" but it seriously IS like that. His uncle even said, "They're going to reprogram him."

I'm not here for "sympathy"...I basically want to hear from anyone else who has ever had a spouse in a facility similar to this. A long-term in-patient facility. I'm trying to compare and hopefully ease my mind, or at least make an informed decision on what I want to do. Because sometimes I think, "No, I have to go there and get him, this is nuts..." but then I think, "Is that the enabler in me?" even though I am not a big enabler at all and even he will tell anyone that. It's just that I feel uneasy with this particular no-contact policy and the fact that they don't have any program to help families heal together and unite. They don't care, their sole concern is keeping the men there sober and keeping them in their program for as long as possible.

I would love advice, if anyone has it. Oh, and as for my weariness on divulging the name of the rehab...I and his close family are keeping this info under wraps so that certain people in his life don't find out and try to go there to contact him (people that are users and not healthy in his life). I suppose it wouldn't matter for me to post the name here, though....

Needabreak

Well, it sounds like no one here has heard of a rehab with such a long period of no contact and it does sound odd and concerning. Not sure what advice to give you except that if it were someone I loved, I'd be on the doorstep with the police, like CynicalOne mentioned.

Fabat50

A rehab which puts a picture of its patients on the website....! Not possible. I would be very worried if I were in your shoes. What if you or your daughter have a real emergency? Can you speak to him them? Are you sure he is not in prison or something. Sorry to speak brutally but nothing adds up here.

jaynie04

I went to rehab about 2 1/2 years ago for a month and have been clean and sober since. I also initiated getting help as I had grown up with alcoholism and knew where I was headed.

My first response when I read the OP was skepticism about the motives of the facility. I went to a for profit rehab and as the month wore on I saw that it is indeed a big and profitable business. In retrospect I wish I had been more savvy about the industry going in. Being an active addict/alcoholic doesn't leave one with the best decision making aptitude, it is population that can be taken advantage of in some instances.

It doesn't sound like money is the motive here, but I wonder if there is an extreme religious bent? It almost sounds like a break you down and then build you up mentality. I know there is a rehab that is affiliated with a very large (and unusual) religious organization that doesn't present itself as such. And from what I have read isolation is part of the process used to bring in new recruits.

I know that sounds extreme, but this situation is highly unusual. And I agree strongly with Fabat50, pictures of patients? We were all required to leave cellphones at check-in as my facility was highly concerned about patient privacy (which is a law).

I think this is extremely strange and I think your concerns are very valid.

nutmeg19

Well that's what I find so strange also...they are super secretive about all kinds of things, yet they have put pictures up of the men in recovery and they allow them to attend public AA meetings. They do a lot of work for the city and community also. But their families are told to stay away from them "for the good of their sobriety". Confusing to me.

And I was told that even in the event of an emergency, they won't tell him and the no-contact policy would still stand, they said this was because it could cause him to want to relapse. A woman I spoke with, whose loved one was in this facility, told me how while her loved one was there, there were two such incidents where the facility refused to tell the patients of family emergencies (one was a girlfriend that had gone into labor early and had a high-risk pregnancy and the other was the death of a parent). I was SHOCKED to hear this...but strangely, the woman who told me this said "it was for the good of the men" and that events such as that cause relapse. Well, how does this program expect these men to be able to handle ANYTHING in life if they are shielded from everything upsetting? That's life! People die, people are born...they're supposed to avoid all of that? But another man I talked to who had been in the program said that's why so many men end up staying for YEARS there...and that's what the program wants, to keep the men as long as possible. I'm genuinely confused.

And no, this isn't a prison! I went there and dropped him off. They hold regular AA meetings there and also community events there. It's not a prison at all.

nutmeg19

I know this facility has contracts with the VA and the city. It does a lot of work for the city and community, the men do all kinds of events and charities and clean-ups around the city and beaches, etc. That's pretty much all they have them do, to keep them busy...city/community work/events and AA meetings. They don't seem super religious, but I have been told by many people that it is run very much like bootcamp/military, it's super strict. The reason we went ahead with this one (the only place we were told about by the VA) is because it was free, they told us all these amazing things at first (that turned out to be not entirely true), and that a lot of military men were there and they said they could treat my fiancé for his PTSD. This place definitely seems like they try to break them down to build them up again.

I'm torn. Half of his family thinks this is strange, and half thinks it's perfectly fine and they are happy with him there. But even the ones who think it's strange are like, "Well, there's nothing you can do about it now...what harm can come from him being there?" But of course, NONE of them are "married" to him like I am. NONE of them spent every day with him, love him like I do, were loved by him like I am, share kids, have a life with him...none of them have that with him...so they're not in the same position I am. Their lives aren't affected at all whether he's there or not. This is why I want to speak to other people who have had spouses in a place such as this. I feel very alone and very confused. If I listen to other people, I tend to lean towards just leaving him be, for now...because I don't want to mess with his sobriety. But if I listen to myself, I think this isn't the right place for him. And while I am a very balanced person by nature, I am very fair and always try to do the right thing...I have to consider my heart in all this. I don't want to lead my decision based solely on my heart, because that can screw people up. But I know him better than anyone on earth, and I know he's thinking the same as I am. The only thing is, because of his Marine/military nature, I know he's determined in a way that I'm not...if he thinks for second that him leaving there could screw anything up for us as a family, he won't leave. Before he went in, he was already skeptical (because the things they told us seemed too good to be true) and said that if this place doesn't work out, he will go to another that he knows of and I strongly encouraged him to give this place a chance. This is ultimately about his sobriety.

It's been 2 1/2 months but feels like years right now. No contact at all. And we have another 9 months to go. It'd almost be better if he WAS in jail...at least I'd get to see him.

AnvilheadII

i presume HE could leave if he chose to? that he is there voluntarily? if so, then how you feel or the family or the kids is certainly valid, but this is his choice for recovery.............he is willing to be away from it all for an extended length of time..........

Fabat50

Once again, a rehab that puts pictures of patients on its website IS NOT a legitimate rehab. It sounds "orchestrated" to make people on the outside think that things are normal. Unless you are prepared to share the name of the facilty so that the more knowledgeable members here can give you some proper advice then you are going to go round in circles on this thread.

Every single poster has said it is highly suspicious and irregular. No one believes it is a serious rehab facility. What do you want to do next? You need to get to the bottom of this for you and your young daughter.

nutmeg19

He could leave on his own, yes.
To be honest, I don't think he will stay the entire length of time anyway. Which is partly why I'm holding back. Any other rehab he would have gone into would have been at least 3-6 months, and it's been 2 1/2 so far...he would still be gone no matter which rehab he was at anyway, know what I mean? And as long as he's still there and sober (and his sobriety is what matters here), then I convince myself to chill out.
I'm just REALLY weirded out by the length of the no-contact, the stress it's putting on the kids and myself, and the fact that this place was dishonest about certain aspects, and also has no plans to reunite families to make them whole again.

nutmeg19

Due to the fact that this rehab does so much work and events with the city and community, which I know is fact because we have been to events this place has put on, I know a lot of his family feels comfortable that it is a healthy place. And it may be, I'm not discounting that...but like I have been told: it's mainly a place for men who have been homeless and using for years, have nowhere else to go, have no hope, no job, no family, etc. None of that fits him. The ONLY reason we chose this place is that it was the first one offered by the VA, it's free, and we were told it was a 6-month program with an initial 90-day blackout no-contact policy. So it sounded exactly like what we were looking for. Now I know that things are very different from what we were originally told.

Ugh, anyway...you're right that I'm going around in circles here, but I am just so weary of telling the name of this facility. All I REALLY came for in this original posting was to find anyone else who has been in this particular situation...that I could relate to and who could offer me advise on how to get through it, etc. I have found NO ONE else here whose spouse has ever been away for this long or who had to deal with a no-contact policy of this length. And the couple people I contacted who had spouses in the facility where he's at? They're all divorced now. They all admitted to having major issues in their relationships before their spouses went in anyway, but one woman did say that this was the nail in the coffin, basically, the time away with no contact made it easy for her to leave him. But none of that fits MY situation...we didn't have issues in our relationship, no abuse, we have always been very loving and have a great friendship as well as intimate relationship...his last words to me were, "Wait for me...I love you..." So, the couple of women I had contact with who might have understood, really DON'T understand MY situation. One even said she wouldn't recommend this place for a man who actually has the support my fiancé has, because she felt this place was a kind of "last resort" type of place for people who had nothing.