FreeDance

My daughter, now 28, has been a heroin addict for at least ten years.

She has lost everything, over and over again, apparently in an attempt to succeed as a "functional addict." It never works.

She did manage the balancing act for a couple of years, and even got a job she loved. For a brief period of time, she even got clean and saved money. Then it disappeared in a flash. (And not for paying back creditors -- banks, fines, department stores, etc.)

When the dream job involved a promotion requiring travel, she went into detox again; but once arrived in the new place, was found with drugs and kicked home, fired. This was about two months ago.

Long story short, her Dad enabled her from there. She got into a serious car accident, even fractured several ribs, and (despite her Dad's and the hospital's efforts to stop her) managed a drug deal from her hospital bed.

Now -- today -- she is arrested. Again.

I'm sure I don't have to tell you that I have done EVERYTHING I can think of to help her. It has been HELL. She is my only child.

I go to Nar-Anon meetings once a week and that has kept me sane.

Now I don't know how I feel. I can't quite cry; I feel a little angry but not much; I just don't know. I don't know who she is anymore, so it's hard to love her. I love who she was without drugs -- and I always thought my love was unconditional. Maybe it still is.

Or maybe the girl I knew is already dead. Kind of like when my Dad had a stroke -- he was there, but a big chunk of his brain cells were dead, so who was he? (I still loved him, but it was a weird place between life and death.)

I don't know. When she was in jail before, I wrote cheery letters and philosophized and let her know I love her, etc. I feel like writing her and telling her that I am just so disappointed in her -- all the things I have never said. But then maybe she'd kill herself. I don't know.

Just wanted to reach out here -- have to get through the weekend before my next NarAnon meeting.

Chino

It may be uncomfortable but it's a good place to be as long as you don't stay there too long. You've been overloaded and your brain is providing you with an opportunity to sort out your thoughts and feelings.

zoso77

The bass player of one of my favorite bands -- Rush's Geddy Lee -- has called jail "The House of Bad Decisions". Outside looking in, it's remarkable how people can continue to give themselves permission to do things that result in being jailed. But for your daughter, it's an inherent part of her condition: the denial, the lack of self honesty, the thought that maybe this time she can control things better.

She may be your only child. But at 28, she's no longer a child. I know you know this, but she has to face the consequences of her choices. At least you know that she won't be using in jail.

So sorry you have to endure this. God bless, both you and your daughter.

Wishful04

Sometimes it's ok to just be. Not make any decisions. Just breathe. Take as little or as much time to sort out how we feel.

writing a letter doesn't mean giving it to her, in the end writing it may be enough...

No shame in being emotionally honest and taking a break from being the cheerleader if it's not what you feel up to.

Whatever you decide wishing you peace.

FeelingGreat

So heartbreaking for you FD, and I'm glad you're finding benefit from Nar-anon.

Maybe the numbness is necessary to protect you from the pain because if you allow yourself to feel it fully it might overwhelm you.

While there's life there's hope, and one day she might turn it around. Writing to her if she's in jail doesn't sound like enabling, but sharing your philosophy with her is probably wasted ink.

CodeJob

Write that letter through your numbness about all of your disappointments with your daughter. All the hopes you had for her that her addiction made unreachable. Pour it all in that letter. Then burn it. Give that pain back to the universe. Release those dreams and hopes.

Maybe it will help you break through the numbness.

I'm so sorry. I've been there in my marriage and it felt like being wrapped in gray flannel. Not painful, but like my heart-mind-body were slightly off in their interconnection.

Lotusangel

Freedance, I'm so sorry you are going through this. My son is 25 years old and also a heroin addict. I have a similar experience, but he has an 8 year old daughter, and it hurts me so much to see her be ignored by her dad because the addiction is more important at this time. He has always been super attentive to his daughter and since about April/March his whole demeanor and has changed for the worse. The addiction is not a new problem, we have dealt with it for a few years now but, at least, I thought, it was getting better. My granddaughter is getting to the point where she is noticing that something is wrong, and I'm not sure when to have a conversation with her or if it's even appropriate No matter what she still loves her Dad, so it's going to be hard. My son is on methadone treatment but I think he uses it as a crutch. He took off for the last week and he's been with some woman that also has addiction issues (they have been dating off and on for a few months - that's when I notice the spiraling down). He ignores my calls but then calls me when he needs a ride to the methadone clinic. This morning he was calling and texting, and I refused to jump because his daughter is here with me and she comes first. I need to be strong, and stop allowing him to take advantage of his siblings and I. I'm just so tired. I have to learn to accept what I cannot control. I cry off and on, but I think mainly because I feel weak sometimes and want to give, and I'm trying to stop myself from giving in and running every time he has a crisis.

FreeDance, you are a good person and a good mother. We both have to accept that we have done the best we can but we cannot control the outcome. I have to convince myself to have self-control not to enable. These are their consequences. Let's be strong together. I send you a big, tight hug. Sometimes we just need to talk to someone who really knows what we are going through, and this community does.

maia1234

FD- I read this all the time, it does help..... me. We cannot save our addicts, this is a job that they have to do on their own. Hugs my friend!!


If you love me let me fall all by myself. Don't try to spread a net out to catch me, don't throw a pillow under my a** to cushion the pain so I don't have to feel it, don't stand in the place I am going to land so that you can break the fall (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of me) ...

Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the pit ... trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can't see it. The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me, trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to understand me to a fault, enabling me ...
The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not yours ... the sooner I will arrive ... and on time ... just right where I need to be ... me, alone, all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead ... resist the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square one ... If I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for awhile ...

I am free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top. In the beginning as I start to climb out .. I just might slide back down, but don't worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I make it out safe and sound ... Don't you see ?? Don't you know ?? You can't do this for me ... I have to do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall how am I ever suppose to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to get well. It is my burden to carry, not yours ...

I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do is because you don't know what to do and you act from your heart not from knowledge of what is best for me ... but if you truly love me let me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good ... don't clip my wings before I can learn to fly ... Nudge me out of your safety net ... trust the process and pray for me ... that one day I will not only fly, but maybe even soar.