I'm not stupid
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 19
I'm not stupid
But ABF certainly thinks so. He comes home from "working doubles" I say it that way because he's not working doubles, he's blowing all his money at the bar.
He comes in asking me why I don't plug in the Halloween lights for the kids. I explained to him that the kids don't even ask about them so I'm not gonna waste the electricity. He says "oh let me guess, (son) is scared of them?" I said yes. He says " wow, he's a *****". That's when I remind him that our son is 3 and sometimes things scare him, and that really he asks me to take them down because they're scary. His response? "What an *******". And this is how I know he was not at work, but was drinking somewhere. After his 90 day rehab (which I was still pregnant at the time with my now 5 month old) I was able to see for 3 wonderful months that he was a loving, caring person and father. Since he started drinking again 4 months ago, I have watched him turn back into the rude, uncaring jerk I have lived with for the last 5years. He doesn't seem to realize that I know when he's drinking, even when he's not doing it here. Or he does and doesn't care.
Why is it so hard for me to walk away? Why do I stay, listening to the awful things he says about me and our boys? I hate to say it out loud, but I wish he would just die. Maybe that makes me an awful person, but I don't want him around and I don't want the boys to grow up and have to watch their dad kill himself with alcohol.
Guess I'm just ranting. Living with an alcoholic is so isolating and lonely. I hate it. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.
He comes in asking me why I don't plug in the Halloween lights for the kids. I explained to him that the kids don't even ask about them so I'm not gonna waste the electricity. He says "oh let me guess, (son) is scared of them?" I said yes. He says " wow, he's a *****". That's when I remind him that our son is 3 and sometimes things scare him, and that really he asks me to take them down because they're scary. His response? "What an *******". And this is how I know he was not at work, but was drinking somewhere. After his 90 day rehab (which I was still pregnant at the time with my now 5 month old) I was able to see for 3 wonderful months that he was a loving, caring person and father. Since he started drinking again 4 months ago, I have watched him turn back into the rude, uncaring jerk I have lived with for the last 5years. He doesn't seem to realize that I know when he's drinking, even when he's not doing it here. Or he does and doesn't care.
Why is it so hard for me to walk away? Why do I stay, listening to the awful things he says about me and our boys? I hate to say it out loud, but I wish he would just die. Maybe that makes me an awful person, but I don't want him around and I don't want the boys to grow up and have to watch their dad kill himself with alcohol.
Guess I'm just ranting. Living with an alcoholic is so isolating and lonely. I hate it. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Originally Posted by PrinMel 
But ABF certainly thinks so. He comes home from "working doubles" I say it that way because he's not working doubles, he's blowing all his money at the bar.
He comes in asking me why I don't plug in the Halloween lights for the kids. I explained to him that the kids don't even ask about them so I'm not gonna waste the electricity. He says "oh let me guess, (son) is scared of them?" I said yes. He says " wow, he's a *****". That's when I remind him that our son is 3 and sometimes things scare him, and that really he asks me to take them down because they're scary. His response? "What an *******". And this is how I know he was not at work, but was drinking somewhere. After his 90 day rehab (which I was still pregnant at the time with my now 5 month old) I was able to see for 3 wonderful months that he was a loving, caring person and father. Since he started drinking again 4 months ago, I have watched him turn back into the rude, uncaring jerk I have lived with for the last 5years. He doesn't seem to realize that I know when he's drinking, even when he's not doing it here. Or he does and doesn't care.
Why is it so hard for me to walk away? Why do I stay, listening to the awful things he says about me and our boys? I hate to say it out loud, but I wish he would just die. Maybe that makes me an awful person, but I don't want him around and I don't want the boys to grow up and have to watch their dad kill himself with alcohol.
Guess I'm just ranting. Living with an alcoholic is so isolating and lonely. I hate it. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.
He comes in asking me why I don't plug in the Halloween lights for the kids. I explained to him that the kids don't even ask about them so I'm not gonna waste the electricity. He says "oh let me guess, (son) is scared of them?" I said yes. He says " wow, he's a *****". That's when I remind him that our son is 3 and sometimes things scare him, and that really he asks me to take them down because they're scary. His response? "What an *******". And this is how I know he was not at work, but was drinking somewhere. After his 90 day rehab (which I was still pregnant at the time with my now 5 month old) I was able to see for 3 wonderful months that he was a loving, caring person and father. Since he started drinking again 4 months ago, I have watched him turn back into the rude, uncaring jerk I have lived with for the last 5years. He doesn't seem to realize that I know when he's drinking, even when he's not doing it here. Or he does and doesn't care.
Why is it so hard for me to walk away? Why do I stay, listening to the awful things he says about me and our boys? I hate to say it out loud, but I wish he would just die. Maybe that makes me an awful person, but I don't want him around and I don't want the boys to grow up and have to watch their dad kill himself with alcohol.
Guess I'm just ranting. Living with an alcoholic is so isolating and lonely. I hate it. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Hugs sweetie! Lots and lots of hugs!
I know it stinks, it sucks, and often feels like the life is being sucked out of you. Your ABF is doing what an A does, or what alcoholic him does. Try to stay out of his way. When you know he's been drinking, I wouldn't engage in too much conversation. Do you have any friends or family you can get in touch with and maybe spend some time with? Also, are you attending alanon? Have a sponsor? What about a therapist? You need to have a good support system in place to lean on, don't isolate. I know thats easier said than done.
I remember when I was in the thick of things and my ex (he'll officially be my ex at 1:15 tomorrow) had been particularly bad for an extended period of time, I was not getting the help I needed and wished he would just go ahead and die. I didn't really want that to happen just like I don't think in your heart of hearts thats what you want. I think we are just desperately looking for the pain to end. Get your support group in place and thoughts like that will begin to fade as you learn more strategies to make yourself the healthiest you for yourself and those babies.
Hugs hugs hugs!
I know it stinks, it sucks, and often feels like the life is being sucked out of you. Your ABF is doing what an A does, or what alcoholic him does. Try to stay out of his way. When you know he's been drinking, I wouldn't engage in too much conversation. Do you have any friends or family you can get in touch with and maybe spend some time with? Also, are you attending alanon? Have a sponsor? What about a therapist? You need to have a good support system in place to lean on, don't isolate. I know thats easier said than done.
I remember when I was in the thick of things and my ex (he'll officially be my ex at 1:15 tomorrow) had been particularly bad for an extended period of time, I was not getting the help I needed and wished he would just go ahead and die. I didn't really want that to happen just like I don't think in your heart of hearts thats what you want. I think we are just desperately looking for the pain to end. Get your support group in place and thoughts like that will begin to fade as you learn more strategies to make yourself the healthiest you for yourself and those babies.
Hugs hugs hugs!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Addicts can really drain your energy alright! You need like a protective shield around you...pause and take a deep breath and just imagine yourself being surrounded by beautiful golden light. Now take another deep breath and relax as you exhale. There, now you are re-energized!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
PrinMel......I remember your question from some other posts, I think...."Why is it so hard for me to walk away?".
Everyone has their own particular reasons......and, of course someone else can't answer that for you----especially if they don't know all of the circumstances of your life.....But, you would know (deep inside).
What has helped me, in these kinds of situations---when I feel held back from what I "know" I should do.......is to begin to identify my fears......
That isn't always as easy as it might sound.....because, we often don't want to face, or even think, about our fears---they are to scary to face head-on.....
You can begin to think about them, though.....and then, as you are ready....start baby steps to wipe out each obstacle that is holding you back.....
One thing---some of our fears can be baggage that we have had---even before we began the relationship....from out growing- up background. There is where some therapy or counseling, or, at least, some good self-help books can shed some light. They could be deeply personal, in some cases. for instance---"nobody else would really want me....I am too old, too ugly, too boring.....just not good enough....uninteresting....
Many times, very practical things, like: fears of not being able to handle all the responsibilities of kids, work, etc, alone....or being too physically located away from services,,,,or feelings of guilt (that is a big one...lol)......
I'm sure that you get the point......
I do believe that if you can name your fears .....not so much, excuses....but, your deep, genuine fears....you will have the answers to your question....
dandylion
Everyone has their own particular reasons......and, of course someone else can't answer that for you----especially if they don't know all of the circumstances of your life.....But, you would know (deep inside).
What has helped me, in these kinds of situations---when I feel held back from what I "know" I should do.......is to begin to identify my fears......
That isn't always as easy as it might sound.....because, we often don't want to face, or even think, about our fears---they are to scary to face head-on.....
You can begin to think about them, though.....and then, as you are ready....start baby steps to wipe out each obstacle that is holding you back.....
One thing---some of our fears can be baggage that we have had---even before we began the relationship....from out growing- up background. There is where some therapy or counseling, or, at least, some good self-help books can shed some light. They could be deeply personal, in some cases. for instance---"nobody else would really want me....I am too old, too ugly, too boring.....just not good enough....uninteresting....
Many times, very practical things, like: fears of not being able to handle all the responsibilities of kids, work, etc, alone....or being too physically located away from services,,,,or feelings of guilt (that is a big one...lol)......
I'm sure that you get the point......
I do believe that if you can name your fears .....not so much, excuses....but, your deep, genuine fears....you will have the answers to your question....
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Here's what you need to do: You need to confront this boyfriend and lay it the line sister...you need to be clear, concise, direct, honest and truthful...then, you need to confront him over and over and over again until he gets it through his thick skull what it is you EXACTLY want...be assertive. ...you can do this!
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
No, you're not stupid. If he's telling you that, or if his words are harsh and hurtful, emotional or verbal abuse may be playing into the problems.
A domestic violence center or hotline can help, as can Alanon. Different support for different reasons, yet they can work very well together.
When I first got in person support and started working on my own recovery, I found a safe place to face myself. All the symptoms of alcoholism in my husband kept me from looking inward at what I could work on: me.
I was emotionally out of balance; physically and mentally paralyzed.
Love and prayers for you and your boys. Your boyfriend may not be ready to find help, but that doesn't mean you can't.
Somehow I thought I had to get my husband help first, and that would start the healing for all of us. The Alanon slogan "Let it begin with me" has personal meaning to me now. Two rehabs for my husband gave me glimpses of another part of him, that I've been missing for a long time. Reality is, who my husband is today includes active addiction and all it's symptoms. When I can fully embrace that, I can let go of unrealistic expectations of him and myself. I'm also learning my own truths, how to state them, and how to be a much healthier parent.
Good luck! It's a journey, not a race. (((Hugs)))
A domestic violence center or hotline can help, as can Alanon. Different support for different reasons, yet they can work very well together.
When I first got in person support and started working on my own recovery, I found a safe place to face myself. All the symptoms of alcoholism in my husband kept me from looking inward at what I could work on: me.
I was emotionally out of balance; physically and mentally paralyzed.
Love and prayers for you and your boys. Your boyfriend may not be ready to find help, but that doesn't mean you can't.
Somehow I thought I had to get my husband help first, and that would start the healing for all of us. The Alanon slogan "Let it begin with me" has personal meaning to me now. Two rehabs for my husband gave me glimpses of another part of him, that I've been missing for a long time. Reality is, who my husband is today includes active addiction and all it's symptoms. When I can fully embrace that, I can let go of unrealistic expectations of him and myself. I'm also learning my own truths, how to state them, and how to be a much healthier parent.
Good luck! It's a journey, not a race. (((Hugs)))
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Prin he must be living in a world of his own if he thinks you can't tell when he's been drinking.
What are the logistics of staying away from him when he gets nasty like that? Have you considered telling him you're aware of his drinking and ask him to stay away from you and the kids when he comes home from the bar?
As for wondering why you stay - well it's a huge move to separate so no wonder you're hesitating. Do you have local support? I suggest you do some thinking about how a separation could be arranged, like what you'd need to do, how you'd find support and what financial resources you could access. There may be help out there that you just have to find, and you're not committing yourself, just scoping it out.
What are the logistics of staying away from him when he gets nasty like that? Have you considered telling him you're aware of his drinking and ask him to stay away from you and the kids when he comes home from the bar?
As for wondering why you stay - well it's a huge move to separate so no wonder you're hesitating. Do you have local support? I suggest you do some thinking about how a separation could be arranged, like what you'd need to do, how you'd find support and what financial resources you could access. There may be help out there that you just have to find, and you're not committing yourself, just scoping it out.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Why is it so hard for me to walk away?
Fear of being alone?
Fear he'll find someone else?
Fear your kids won't have a dad?
Our inability to leave is wrapped all around our fears and what those fears are telling us.
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