I feel like I am being gas lighted (gas lit??)
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 196
I feel like I am being gas lighted (gas lit??)
Wow - While looking up the past tense of "gas light", wiki identifies the term as "mental abuse". What an eye-opener!
I've written before and said I would never leave my AH. Well, I did. I think. He is not and never was physically abusive. After umpteen "one more chance!"s, I have had enough. Ten years of second chances is enough. AH got completely intoxicated while a friend and AH's sister were over a couple weeks ago. He then began a tirade of familiar (to me) proportions. It was like a was hit by a bolt of lightning, seeing what these other two people must have seen. It was complete insanity that I am allowing myself to live this way.
The next day, I told him I needed some time away by myself to think about what I want, and am now staying at a friend's house. We've been civil as I am not angry - just exhausted - and we work together so we have to discuss work topics. He swore he would stop drinking, and he made an appointment with a therapist. We both went to the appointment, and she told him he needed to get to meetings and get on some anti-depressants. He agreed.
He has not drank since then (Monday) and has found on-line meetings, which is good for him since he is traveling for work.
Today he called me, and after the "we're so good together, we like each other, why is this happening?", and "can we get together tomorrow to talk about what's going on?" (after I said I did not want to discuss it for a while) etc, he said he was in an online meeting yesterday, and someone suggested I MAY BE HAVING A MID-LIFE CRISIS.
After 10 + years of cleaning up his messes, crying, arguing, rehab, excuses, resentment, anger, and exhaustion, I have now left - in his mind - because I am having a mid-life F*C&!NG crisis. I am seriously beginning to doubt my own sanity, and am going to ask one of the people that was there that night if I imagined it all (since AH doesn't remember what happened).
I mostly lurk on this board and cannot talk to any of my friends about this situation, but I am sure you fine people can relate to my "mid-life crisis" and give me a little perspective because this feels like a nightmare I cannot wake up from.
Thank you all for allowing me to feel like I am not alone in this ridiculousness. We'll all get through it.
I've written before and said I would never leave my AH. Well, I did. I think. He is not and never was physically abusive. After umpteen "one more chance!"s, I have had enough. Ten years of second chances is enough. AH got completely intoxicated while a friend and AH's sister were over a couple weeks ago. He then began a tirade of familiar (to me) proportions. It was like a was hit by a bolt of lightning, seeing what these other two people must have seen. It was complete insanity that I am allowing myself to live this way.
The next day, I told him I needed some time away by myself to think about what I want, and am now staying at a friend's house. We've been civil as I am not angry - just exhausted - and we work together so we have to discuss work topics. He swore he would stop drinking, and he made an appointment with a therapist. We both went to the appointment, and she told him he needed to get to meetings and get on some anti-depressants. He agreed.
He has not drank since then (Monday) and has found on-line meetings, which is good for him since he is traveling for work.
Today he called me, and after the "we're so good together, we like each other, why is this happening?", and "can we get together tomorrow to talk about what's going on?" (after I said I did not want to discuss it for a while) etc, he said he was in an online meeting yesterday, and someone suggested I MAY BE HAVING A MID-LIFE CRISIS.
After 10 + years of cleaning up his messes, crying, arguing, rehab, excuses, resentment, anger, and exhaustion, I have now left - in his mind - because I am having a mid-life F*C&!NG crisis. I am seriously beginning to doubt my own sanity, and am going to ask one of the people that was there that night if I imagined it all (since AH doesn't remember what happened).
I mostly lurk on this board and cannot talk to any of my friends about this situation, but I am sure you fine people can relate to my "mid-life crisis" and give me a little perspective because this feels like a nightmare I cannot wake up from.
Thank you all for allowing me to feel like I am not alone in this ridiculousness. We'll all get through it.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
TimeforMe.....you saw what you saw. You know what you know.
You don't need his agreement on these things.
He looks at the world through the filter of alcoholism.....it does not look like the world that you see.
The midlife crisis comment.....frankly, is almost laughable!! lol.
He was, most likely, talking to men, anyway......what do they know......
He probably gave them some song and dance story........
dandylion
You don't need his agreement on these things.
He looks at the world through the filter of alcoholism.....it does not look like the world that you see.
The midlife crisis comment.....frankly, is almost laughable!! lol.
He was, most likely, talking to men, anyway......what do they know......
He probably gave them some song and dance story........
dandylion
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Ouch, mid-life crisis! No wonder you're furious. Maybe you're having a mid-life burst of reality.
One line of your post struck me, 'since AH doesn't remember what happened'. So is he not disturbed by the fact that he raved on to visitors and can't remember it? Is that his normal? Of course I'm aware that As have blackouts, but he doesn't seem to think that's a deal breaker and I gather is minimising his behaviour.
When dealing with As you'll hear lots of promises to reform. Look at the long term effort, not just the ones when he's shocked and still motivated. Most people give it a year, but you'll probably be able to tell if he's determined to recover because he'll put most of the focus on to himself.
One line of your post struck me, 'since AH doesn't remember what happened'. So is he not disturbed by the fact that he raved on to visitors and can't remember it? Is that his normal? Of course I'm aware that As have blackouts, but he doesn't seem to think that's a deal breaker and I gather is minimising his behaviour.
When dealing with As you'll hear lots of promises to reform. Look at the long term effort, not just the ones when he's shocked and still motivated. Most people give it a year, but you'll probably be able to tell if he's determined to recover because he'll put most of the focus on to himself.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Haha - well, to humor him, maybe you ARE having a midlife crisis. I don't know how anyone that lives with alcoholism could get out unscathed.
Anywho - even if you were in the middle of a midlife, that doesn't change the fact that you cannot live with an active alcoholic and maintain a healthy life FOR YOU indefinitely.
You don't need to bounce it off your friends to be reminded of the insanity that his drinking does to terrorize your life. Trust your guts, trust yourself - take care of YOU! (((HUGS)))
Anywho - even if you were in the middle of a midlife, that doesn't change the fact that you cannot live with an active alcoholic and maintain a healthy life FOR YOU indefinitely.
You don't need to bounce it off your friends to be reminded of the insanity that his drinking does to terrorize your life. Trust your guts, trust yourself - take care of YOU! (((HUGS)))
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
He will likely come up with a LOT of reasons you left that don't have anything to do with him. Those excuses are his problem, not yours.
If you need time and space from discussing personal issues, take it. You don't have to explain yourself to him. If he's serious about recovering and not just going through the motions to restore the status quo, you'll know.
If you need time and space from discussing personal issues, take it. You don't have to explain yourself to him. If he's serious about recovering and not just going through the motions to restore the status quo, you'll know.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: sitting down and facing front
Posts: 170
As far as he's concerned, you taking some time to yourself probably came completely out of the blue, and he would have presented the situation as such to his online group. Of course, if they are in any way aware of the destruction that alcoholism can wreak, they would read between his lines and try to set him straight. Perhaps they did, and only one person suggested the "crisis". He'll be like the Sixth Sense - "they'd dont know they're dead, they only see what they want to see"
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Originally Posted by TimeForMe 
I am seriously beginning to doubt my own sanity, and am going to ask one of the people that was there that night if I imagined it all (since AH doesn't remember what happened).
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 774
I agree with what everyone has said thus far...
Mid life crisis? Maybe... But it surely isn't unwarranted now is it?
And, by trying to say that you might be having a mid-life crisis is definitely a way to take the focus off of him, and onto you... I wouldn't worry about it too much though... You keep your focus on you and let him figure out his end on his own, and things will fall where they need to.
Mid life crisis? Maybe... But it surely isn't unwarranted now is it?
And, by trying to say that you might be having a mid-life crisis is definitely a way to take the focus off of him, and onto you... I wouldn't worry about it too much though... You keep your focus on you and let him figure out his end on his own, and things will fall where they need to.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
TFM-
He is going to say anything to get a jump out of you, and you jumped!! I understand that you work together. But I would take this time apart and enjoy the peace and quiet. Stop the calls, texts, FB stuff. Besides work I would not engage anything with him. Cut him off your life as much as you can.
He will get pxssed and start drinking again because of "your" rejection or something else. Let him work his program, who cares if he is drinking or not. You are not dealing with his "drunkenness" so let him. Take the time, hit some alanon meetings, post on SR and do your homework. Alcohism is progressive, so if you think you have it bad now, double or triple his behavior. Get strong and once you do, make decisions that will be best for you!!
Hugs my friend, we are here for you, enjoy your peace and quiet!!
He is going to say anything to get a jump out of you, and you jumped!! I understand that you work together. But I would take this time apart and enjoy the peace and quiet. Stop the calls, texts, FB stuff. Besides work I would not engage anything with him. Cut him off your life as much as you can.
He will get pxssed and start drinking again because of "your" rejection or something else. Let him work his program, who cares if he is drinking or not. You are not dealing with his "drunkenness" so let him. Take the time, hit some alanon meetings, post on SR and do your homework. Alcohism is progressive, so if you think you have it bad now, double or triple his behavior. Get strong and once you do, make decisions that will be best for you!!
Hugs my friend, we are here for you, enjoy your peace and quiet!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Mid Life Crisis, ? Seriously?
What about the grown adult man, who has zero self control, and makes an azz out of himself becaue he was out of control. What label shall we put on that? Maybe we can find some "acceptable" label and sweep his unacceptable under the rug .
timeforme, you take all the time you need, take care of yourself first, he has a long way to go, has he acknowledged that his actions/behavior are hurtful and unacceptable?
But how lovely for him to slap a label on you. And make this YOUR issue.
What you allow is what will continue.
Big hugs. take care
What about the grown adult man, who has zero self control, and makes an azz out of himself becaue he was out of control. What label shall we put on that? Maybe we can find some "acceptable" label and sweep his unacceptable under the rug .
timeforme, you take all the time you need, take care of yourself first, he has a long way to go, has he acknowledged that his actions/behavior are hurtful and unacceptable?
But how lovely for him to slap a label on you. And make this YOUR issue.
What you allow is what will continue.
Big hugs. take care
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
A mid life crisis, good one.
And an on-line meeting to boot.
Look, you can do a fourth step on it if you want, go through the character defects that put us in these situations but ultimately if it doesn't feel right to you it doesn't feel right period.
I've been there when I've looked up Gaslighting. Not a fun place to be.
Who needs it.
And an on-line meeting to boot.
Look, you can do a fourth step on it if you want, go through the character defects that put us in these situations but ultimately if it doesn't feel right to you it doesn't feel right period.
I've been there when I've looked up Gaslighting. Not a fun place to be.
Who needs it.
Originally Posted by TimeForMe
Wow - While looking up the past tense of "gas light", wiki identifies the term as "mental abuse". What an eye-opener!
I've written before and said I would never leave my AH. Well, I did. I think. He is not and never was physically abusive. After umpteen "one more chance!"s, I have had enough. Ten years of second chances is enough. AH got completely intoxicated while a friend and AH's sister were over a couple weeks ago. He then began a tirade of familiar (to me) proportions. It was like a was hit by a bolt of lightning, seeing what these other two people must have seen. It was complete insanity that I am allowing myself to live this way.
The next day, I told him I needed some time away by myself to think about what I want, and am now staying at a friend's house. We've been civil as I am not angry - just exhausted - and we work together so we have to discuss work topics. He swore he would stop drinking, and he made an appointment with a therapist. We both went to the appointment, and she told him he needed to get to meetings and get on some anti-depressants. He agreed.
He has not drank since then (Monday) and has found on-line meetings, which is good for him since he is traveling for work.
Today he called me, and after the "we're so good together, we like each other, why is this happening?", and "can we get together tomorrow to talk about what's going on?" (after I said I did not want to discuss it for a while) etc, he said he was in an online meeting yesterday, and someone suggested I MAY BE HAVING A MID-LIFE CRISIS.
After 10 + years of cleaning up his messes, crying, arguing, rehab, excuses, resentment, anger, and exhaustion, I have now left - in his mind - because I am having a mid-life F*C&!NG crisis. I am seriously beginning to doubt my own sanity, and am going to ask one of the people that was there that night if I imagined it all (since AH doesn't remember what happened).
I mostly lurk on this board and cannot talk to any of my friends about this situation, but I am sure you fine people can relate to my "mid-life crisis" and give me a little perspective because this feels like a nightmare I cannot wake up from.
Thank you all for allowing me to feel like I am not alone in this ridiculousness. We'll all get through it.
I've written before and said I would never leave my AH. Well, I did. I think. He is not and never was physically abusive. After umpteen "one more chance!"s, I have had enough. Ten years of second chances is enough. AH got completely intoxicated while a friend and AH's sister were over a couple weeks ago. He then began a tirade of familiar (to me) proportions. It was like a was hit by a bolt of lightning, seeing what these other two people must have seen. It was complete insanity that I am allowing myself to live this way.
The next day, I told him I needed some time away by myself to think about what I want, and am now staying at a friend's house. We've been civil as I am not angry - just exhausted - and we work together so we have to discuss work topics. He swore he would stop drinking, and he made an appointment with a therapist. We both went to the appointment, and she told him he needed to get to meetings and get on some anti-depressants. He agreed.
He has not drank since then (Monday) and has found on-line meetings, which is good for him since he is traveling for work.
Today he called me, and after the "we're so good together, we like each other, why is this happening?", and "can we get together tomorrow to talk about what's going on?" (after I said I did not want to discuss it for a while) etc, he said he was in an online meeting yesterday, and someone suggested I MAY BE HAVING A MID-LIFE CRISIS.
After 10 + years of cleaning up his messes, crying, arguing, rehab, excuses, resentment, anger, and exhaustion, I have now left - in his mind - because I am having a mid-life F*C&!NG crisis. I am seriously beginning to doubt my own sanity, and am going to ask one of the people that was there that night if I imagined it all (since AH doesn't remember what happened).
I mostly lurk on this board and cannot talk to any of my friends about this situation, but I am sure you fine people can relate to my "mid-life crisis" and give me a little perspective because this feels like a nightmare I cannot wake up from.
Thank you all for allowing me to feel like I am not alone in this ridiculousness. We'll all get through it.
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