tenspeedblender

well it's tuesday, the second day since my most recent crazy bender. still haven't been able to sleep but i'm toughing it out so i can get to bed early tonight and get some sleep at normal hours. really tempted to kill the rest of the kraken on my coffee table but i took a small sip and i was like bleck.. no. it's hot as hell in my apt and i still don't feel good and that didn't help. but i was able to eat a little bit today and drink some coke and i even filled out a job application.

i also had a really long talk with one of my best friends today for like four hours, he's wanting to take some time off drinking too. he did it for a month earlier this year and wants to try again. there's a benefit saturday night for a friend so that'll be reaaaalllllly hard to avoid temptation but i'm taking my lexapro again so even if i crack and drink a beer i'll end up so tired i'll end up going home and going to sleep.. just right now trying to make it thru at least one weekend without any drinking or drugs. cigarettes are still the devil for me but one thing at a time.

the only thing really irritating me right now the most is these damn stink bugs that keep coming into my apt, i'm just so terrified of bugs and i can't even go near them so i'm avoiding like three rooms of my apt cuz of their presence.. almost has me motivated to call the electric company and set up a time for my windows to get winterized because i'm so poor i qualify for that for free. anything to keep these stupid bugs out. =/

so there's that, still don't know if i'm fully ready and devoted for the sobriety wagon but i'm setting small goals, make it thru one week without any partying and definitely no more long benders, those never end well.

thanks to all you guys, coming here and reading everything in my sleeplessness has been very positive and inspiring.

Ohme

Good for you and great job on small successes. I always find a small walk and some stretching helps when I feel that bad. Keep us posted on your week.

Coldfusion

Thanks for checking in with us!

Here's a couple good threads to join:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post5578771

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post5587719

Soberwolf

Keep up the good work

PurpleKnight

Great job on Day 2!! Keep it going!!

tenspeedblender

thanks guys! as i said i'm still not certain if i'm down for the no more ever again life yet but i find it's easier to stick with it right now by actually getting my feelings out and setting small goals instead of big ones like NEVER AGAIN, i'm bad with long term projects. but you guys are all so helpful, when i was a teenager i never partied, i spent my entire life on the internet so i'm totally comfortable on forums and talking to people online.

my parents have been totally cool as well, i told them yesterday about my bender and i thought they were going to be so mad (the last time i did this, they said if i ever did it again that they were done with me) but they didn't yell at me at all, they listened and said they would work on finding health insurance for me so i can start therapy again and get on the right medications to help with the issues that throw me into self-destructive behavior in the first place.

they said just try to do one thing everyday, even if it's only five minutes and then it's back to bed, just do one thing. it makes me feel so much better, normally they would yell at me or get angry and cry but they were so understanding and supportive that it really helped remove temptation to do anything stupid.

Tooshabby

Great news about your parents being supportive and getting therapy, tenspeed. That makes and will make a huge, positive difference :-)

Dee74

when I quit drinking, day to day commitment was the only way of approaching recovery for a while...I knew I had to make lasting changes tho and I hope you'll find like I did, that considering those lasting changes gets easier as we rack up the days

congrats on day 2

D

Nicholi

We can do this! It's also my day 2. I felt so proud for getting through day 1. I want to feel that every day.

tenspeedblender

finally got some sleep, woke up feeling HORRIBLE, anxiety just out of control. in an hour i can take my lexapro and go back to sleep, but even still, i'm really just feeling horrible. i hate when i do this to myself, moderate drinking or weekend drinking usually doesn't phase me but these long binges i'll pull are just hell to recover from.

i'm also panicking that i'm pregnant due to my actions whilst drunk, i've been doing research on it all day today for the exact specifics of the situation and it's not looking good. worse i won't be able to tell for around another two weeks or so. urghhh.

i should probably take a shower since it's been since saturday but i just feel so incapable of moving. hoping i can get some more sleep and maybe wake up feeling better tomorrow. my emotions are just a rollercoaster right now.

Tooshabby

Try not to think about the pregnancy possibility. Can't do anything about it at the moment, so just shelve that one for now.

After you get some more sleep you can take a nice shower - just force yourself, one foot in front of the other - you will feel much better afterwards. Your emotions will come back into balance over the next few days. Just ride it out, tenspeed (no pun intended)!! Keep posting :-)

P.S. Great going, Nicholi!!

thomas11

You mentioned something that I found very helpful; try doing one thing every day. No matter how large or small, one thing every day. Those benders are really hard on our health, not to mention how beat up we feel mentally. One foot in front of the other. Try not to even think about "never", just string together some attainable short terms goals, one after the other. That's about as much advice as I'm qualified to offer. Best wishes.

tenspeedblender

trying to shelve things is impossible for me lol, but in this situation i don't really have a choice. oh well.

had to pee and it was just dark af so i realize now i'm dehydrated as hell, i've been sweating a lot so i'm going to try to drink a good glass of water or two before i lay back down tonight. i want to try to eat again but i don't think it's going to happen, my stomach is in knots and i keep dry heaving.

i still want to keep to my goal of making it at least one weekend alcohol free. it's going to be so hard tho, alcohol is pretty much a facet of every part of my life. everywhere i go, everything i do, its presence is always there. i just keep telling myself one weekend, one weekend, get through one weekend.

sometimes i think it's not even so much the alcohol i'm addicted to, although i am, but the social aspect of drinking. i love the crazy nights out until 3am and the daring adventures with a hint of danger that comes from partying. i love all the crazy experiences i've had in my life that i never would have had if i'd been sober at home.

i know there's all sorts of things that you can do sober that are just as fulfilling, but i live on that thrill. i don't know how i could find that kind of rush without putting something in my body. but one weekend, just one, that's my goal.

tenspeedblender

tenspeedblender

after talking to my neighbor for a little bit just now, i'm realizing that i definitely had alcohol poisoning on sunday as a result of saturday night (and probably friday). luckily i didn't drink very much on sunday (i think like two beers and a few shots of rum) because if i'd done my usual i probably would have ended up in the hospital, or worse.

it's completely ridiculous that i STILL am not sure if i want to be completely sober for good knowing all this, but it definitely cemented my resolve to make it thru my goal of one week, esp thru this weekend. i told her and her bf about that and he said he's holding me to it.

i still feel completely awful, even drinking water makes me feel nauseous and i can barely keep any food down. i'm lucky, i have a high tolerance and i'm young and i'll be okay, but i can never do something like that again. next time i might not be so fortunate.

makes me feel even worse about myself now tho, knowing how much of a fool i must have made of myself in public this weekend. definitely gotta get it together.

Wastinglife

I could be the male version of you. I am 39 now and your 'Ghost of Christmas Future'. I was the same at your age and progressively got worse and worse until at age 34 I turned up on my parents' doorstep with 2 suitcases and 10 dollars in my bank account.

My drinking ruined a promising career in finance, I got a DUI, lost my car, was evicted from my condo, bankrupted myself, arrested multiple times, in the ER multiple times, fiance left me, friends distanced themselves, and finally lost all self-respect and dignity.

This isidious disease is progressive. Things will get worse, I promise you. Get help now before you lose everything like I did.

tenspeedblender

i have to, these forums are really helping and maybe when i feel better i might actually try an AA meeting. this weekend was really eye opening for me the more that i think about it, i was at first still thinking i wouldn't be able to make it thru next weekend without drinking but the more i think about what i did to myself the more the desire to abstain grows stronger.

tenspeedblender

i need to get a job, i've been applying, but if not, until then i'm going to try to find some volunteer activities. i need some structure, having freedom all day every day only makes the ability to indulge my habits even worse.

Tooshabby

Great idea, tenspeed. I would heed that warning from your 'ghost of Christmas future', and second it. I wish I could take back the last 15 years of binge drinking. You are comparatively ahead at this young age - the best time to quit :-)