tenspeedblender

hi, everyone. just joined this site tonight, felt like maybe talking to other people who are struggling would help me out. idk, i'm too nervous to go to aa yet and i think i don't want to because there's a large part of me that just doesn't want to stop.

i've been binge drinking since i was 18, now i'm about to turn 26 and my life is out of control. i have depression/anxiety issues really bad but generally i kept it together, worked 40 hours/week, paid my bills, drank only 2-3 days a week and not a whole lot. last december i broke up with a guy tho and for the first time in years i was all by myself. i didn't know how to deal with being alone so i started going to the local bar every night.

earlier this year i had a total breakdown while i was really drunk, went to the psych ward, my blood alcohol was .365. i went on a medical leave from work for three months after but after one month back at i work i quit because of negativity from the people i was working with.

i kept it together pretty good, only drinking on weekends with friends. then last week on tuesday i said screw it, went out on a tuesday night and had some drinks and did a hit of acid. i drank heavily every night afterward until sunday, where i only had two beers. but i was so drunk from saturday still i ended up passing out and missing the only job interview i'd gotten in the six weeks since i quit my job.

i'm unemployed, always drunk, i'm doing so many embarrassing things and just being ridiculous, i feel like the worst kind of person. a bunch of friends text me today to ask how my interview was and i was too ashamed to even answer any of them. i just feel like i'm losing respect from everyone left and right and even when people try to cheer me up or tell me they love me or it'll be okay it only makes me feel worse.

i know i should stop but i'm so scared that i can't, i'll cut down and moderate and pull that off for weeks but then something weird will happen and the next thing i know i'm on another bender. i feel like such a loser, i've slept with seven guys this year alone cuz i was drunk and lonely. i don't have health insurance anymore and i'm scared of what i'm doing to my health.

hopefully this forum helps, it feels good to let it out.

Coldfusion

Welcome!

I found that to get my life and relationships back on track, I needed to not only quit drinking but invest in daily maintenance of my spiritual health.

SoberRecovery and AA are both parts of my plan. Read around and post often--it works if you work it!

Upwardspiral

Welcome 10speed, you've found a great place to sort out a plan to recover your life. I've been in your shoes, and not too long ago. Stick around, read and post, there's a lot of kindness and support here.

Dee74

Hi and welcome tenspeedblender - SR certainly helped me.
It was nice to be among people who understood and to have a community I could be accountable to, or ask for help from.

I credit SR with helping me turn my life around - I hope we can help you do the same


D

tenspeedblender

thank you guys, it means a lot. i have a ton of friends but they all drink just like me.. i know i really should try aa to make some friends with hobbies that don't involve drinking but i'm just so nervous and anxious. =/

Dee74

I had to change a lot in my life - places I went and the people I went with, or how I handled boredom, stress or simply having fun...

that's never easy or without some trepidation - but I don't regret any of the changes now.

I have a life I love, and I feel as though I've rediscovered the real me again

D

helpseeker1989

Op, as a newcomer to this board, welcome!

I can tell you do feel you need to make a life change, and from the short time I've been here these people have loads to offer for encouragement.

What I took away most from your post is that you have tons of friends that look out for you and want to see how you are. Perhaps, turning to these friends in your time of need could be your support structure.

I wish the best for you! If you can stop drinking for weeks, let everyone here be your support structure as well to vent to and prevent you from a relapse! You can do it!

tenspeedblender

i know i'll have to change my friend circle, it's so daunting because i live in this tiny little part of town with a lot of bars and all my friends are around here and we drink like it's our jobs. usually i can keep it together pretty well, i've been drinking on weekends and things have been okay, but then things like this happen where i screw something up really bad and i'm bedridden with anxiety for days.

i can either be the person who keeps it together and can be the driver and take care of everyone or i'm the person who is so trashed i can barely walk just making a complete fool of myself.

i wish i could just feel normal for once.

escapist

You sound like a smart 26 year old. You can do it. It is the easiest thing you can do to stabilize your life.

dunkelheit

Hey. I'm also 26, and I pretty much drank to drown my loneliness. Pretty much slept with friends so they'd continue talking to me before I got arrested, started losing my hair, and just isolated myself. My life could have been so much better if I had never decided to poison myself. I might still have a job, might be with the love of my life. Maybe I'd have a reason to get out of bed in the morning. But here I am, fat, bald, unemployed, completely alone and miserable.

I'm trying not to post replies on here too often because I'm such a downer. I guess it's comforting to read about other people's experiences. It's all the same though. We've all lost so much.

Reset

Let it out! This is a good place for that.

Don't beat yourself up too much either. People make mistakes and people change.

I sure wish I had taken steps to quit at 26, my life probably would have been a lot different. All we can do is deal with the situation at hand though and the good news is that 26 is still really young even if it might not feel like it right now.

tenspeedblender

i've just been so disillusioned with life this year, i always had really bad depression but it was getting worse and then in january i started having panic attacks.. i held it together until i had a vacation off work but i spent the entire week drunk and doing drugs, i ended up with strep throat in the psych ward feeling like i was going to die. i spent three days there, had three months off work, went to therapy, nothing made me feel any better. the only happy times i had were weekends drinking with my friends.

but then whenever i would drink too much or for too many days in a row, i would wake up with not just a horrible hangover but just the WORST anxiety. this was the third time this year where i just couldn't handle it, i was so sick and disgusted with myself and i never want to touch drugs or alcohol again, but i know myself.. i started taking my lexapro again tho and it makes me drowsy and tingly feeling, i couldn't imagine drinking on it and being able to stay awake so hopefully that keeps me in check this weekend.

tenspeedblender

i think the thing that is killing me about this is that i just feel so bad and i keep doing it anyway because i really just don't give a damn about myself anymore.. it's like i just accepted at some point this year that this is all my life will ever be and it's pointless trying to change. i know that's not true, but it's how i feel all the time and the self-loathing and despair only goes away when i completely and totally destroy myself.

last night i was actually driving home and thinking about just swallowing every pill in my house and ending it all, but then someone who must have been drunk (irony) was driving on the wrong side of the road and almost hit me head-on.. after that i figured i didn't want to die anymore so i came home swallowed four benadryls took shots of kraken and texted my mom until i finally fell asleep just crying to her about how sad i was with my life.

Berrybean

Hi TSB. Welcome to the forum, and thanks for sharing.

It sounds like you do want help but are afraid. And a lot of your self-loathing, fear and anxiety will be an effect of the alcohol itself. It's a real self-perpetuating cycle.

If you give the AA helpline a call, they can get someone from your local area (another woman usually) to contact you. Sometimes that initial chat helps people make that first scary step into AA, because that person can be there with you, and they can run through with you what will happen in that meeting. Sorry if you already know all this, but just in case - you will not have to say anything at all if you don't want to. There will be an opportunity to introduce yourself as a newcomer, and say your name if you choose to take it, but many people don't manage that in their first meeting. I did. But then I cried most of the way through the first few meetings I went to - also not that unusual I've since found out.

Please try to give it (or something else) a go. You sound like you are in a lot of pain at the moment, and I remember that feeling of hopelessness. When I walked into the rooms I was driven by desperation. And I felt like it was the end of my life. How could I cope with anything without alcohol? How could I say 'no more alcohol ever?' If only I'd realised that it was just the beginning, and what a wonderful group of people I was meeting - especially my sponsor and the close AA girl friends I would make (although that took a little while of course). 18 months on, and one day at a time, I have stayed sober, and I have got better.

You can do this. When you decide that enough is enough, and you WANT things to change (even if you don't know how to do it, or think it's possible for you to do it).

We're rooting for you. Please keep reading and posting on here.

tenspeedblender

i think i'm scared because i don't even know what i'd do if i started going to meetings and then fell off the wagon again. the shame and embarrassment would be immense.

i had some great nights last month, nights where i would only drink a few beers and i would be sober enough to drive myself home from where i was or watch a movie after the bar, and i was feeling good about myself. i still got to have my time out with my friends without getting too out of control.

then i frickin' just went on a ridiculous bender last week and feel like the worst. and i know that in a few days it'll pass and i'll think hmm, why not..

i'm just scared at this point that i'm really going to hit true rock bottom, there's not much lower for me to go. i'm unemployed, i'm not in school, my parents are paying all my bills, my friends are buying me all my alcohol, i keep having unprotected sex with people.. at least i haven't been driving drunk really, there's the one thing i've been pretty good about.

i've just been super depressed ever since i was 12 years old, i think my biggest regret is not telling my parents how serious it was and trying to get help for it in my teenage years. maybe if i would have addressed it earlier i wouldn't be in this boat now, or i would have been a responsible drinker.

and then all the embarrassment and shame, the few friends i have that don't drink pretty much never hit me up anymore, and all of the ones i have that do i think are even starting to get fed up with me, they all drink like crazy but they hold their jobs and don't act as ridiculous as me. they all tell me they don't judge me for anything but i'm too ashamed to really open up to them.

i wish i could just move to a different city where nobody knew me and i could start over, but i know all my problems would just move with me.

Berrybean

Maybe this is your rock bottom? It can be if this is as far down as you choose to go. If we keep on going, we can always sink lower.

You may have already seen this thread on rock bottoms. If not, it's worth a read through... http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ck-bottom.html

When I went to AA I thought I was a hopeless case. Like you, many of my behaviours had started at an early age (13 years old) and as much as I didn't want to live with 'me' any more, I was fearful because I didn't know who I would be or what my life would become without those behaviours. It may have been a sinking ship, but it was all I had and I was clinging to it. Even in the first few month in AA, I would hear the promises being read, and think that this all sounded very nice, but there was no way they could come true for someone like ME! Little did I know. Now I read those promises and could weep. They are all coming true. Some days are better than others, but it's rare for me to feel hopeless now. These are the promises. If and when you decide that you'd like the things in those promises, well, those meetings are there for you. The fellowship will be there for you. A sponsor will be there for you. And it is all free and without obligation. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed
before we are half way through.
We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience
can benefit others.
That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
Self-seeking will slip away.
Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for
ourselves
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us -sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.
Alcoholics Anonymous p83-84

You can start over. And you don't even need to move. x

coming_clean

Heya, Welcome.

Keep posting and look at yourself and your life from (clean) day to day.

This site is awesome.

Rar

Welcome to SR Tenspeed.
....but just the WORST anxiety. this was the third time this year where i just couldn't handle it My anxiety was SO BAD in the morning, I went to the doctor twice asking for an increase in my anti-anxiety meds. He wanted to put me on anti-depressants, but I refused because of side effects in the past. Anyway, after quitting alcohol and after a few days, the morning anxiety has all but disappeared. It is such a relief to be rid of that crippling morning anxiety. Hang in there. You can do this. Stay close to SR, read and post often. It will go a long way in helping you maintain your sobriety

SportsFan15

Hi TenSpeed, I can relate to your story, fears, shame, and anxiety/depression.

Beccybean is right....so much of these symptoms are fueled by alcohol. Like adding gasoline to flame.

First we have to stop adding fuel to the flame (complete abstinence). Then we can heal our core self (years of emotions beginning in childhood).

I recommend getting some sober friends either in AA or a good church or small group. I, like you, need friends face to face that UNDERSTAND and will encourage me to stay sober.

SportsFan15

Beccybean I'm so glad you suggested the AA hot line to speak w a woman. I need to do this too. I had no idea it existed.

TenSpeed, resist the temptation to do what I did: isolate from drinking friends without creating new sober relationships. Isolation is the enemy....creates lonliness....Our biggest fear is being alone.

So we also fear reaching out. We get anxious about seeking out what our hearts need the most. I'm so glad I stepped out to meet sober people. My lonliness is much less and they are helping heal my heart (my core issues that I fueled with alcohol).