Liveitwell

Running tonight to a pandora mix and this damn Kenny Chesney sing pops on-"just to be the woman with you"....that was my song for my then husband...I did cry. Just felt it.
Admission two-I still have a picture of us in my wallet-how sad is that. He's acted like a crazy scary abusive loon that has had no visitation for over 6 months now and I still can't remove the picture. Wha?!?!? Need to just remove it and call it a day. I guess I have to see it as my heart holding on to some hope he will get better-but that's a fantasy, not reality. Soneone put me in my place!

NYCDoglvr

Let yourself off the hook, this is par for the course when ending an important relationship. Letting go is a process, it takes time; the more time that passes with no contact the longer the periods when you don't think about him. Don't act out your fantasies, but you seem to understand it's hopeless and over. A big hug.

lizatola

I'm sorry. Hugs to you. I know that i still have sentimental memories of the good times I had with my XAH especially when it comes to music. If I hear Chris Issac, I still will get teary eyed remembering the nights we worked up a sweat in bed to his music.

But, now I'm with someone new and it's Philip Phillips music that makes my heart swoon because "Man on the Moon" seems to come on every time we're in the heat of the moment, lol.

So, cherish the good memories, because they are still a part of you and a part of your past and have shaped you and made you who you are. Nothing wrong with that, you know, it's just part of the process. You can let go with love and grace and still value yourself and the grieving process, as well. Sending you lots of love and support. You are not alone!

amy55

I think I have to say, you are doing better then I did. I never wanted to let go of that illusion of a good life when I was older. I know that you are probably younger then me, but it is really hard to give up, what we fought for so far.

I think sometimes that it is easier if they died, (not that I wish that), but to grieve for someone who is still alive, and I guess still hoping they will change is even worse.

That person won't change, but it hurts so much to remember when they were vulnerable. It's hard to see sometimes the monster that they became, when you can still see that other side.

Just remember, the person that scares you, is the person that they are. The other personality is the one they use to draw you back in. There is also the third personality. The one that plays the victim. It looks the same as the one you want to love, the person you fell in love with. This is the one who will hoover, and tell you what ever you want to hear.

Sorry, not making sense tonight.

((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy

Lilro

Oh For, I feel your pain!! I'm so sorry... I guess it's part of the process. It hurts! Cut yourself a break, just because you are not still together doesn't mean there is not still love in your heart. Hang I. There my friend, it'll all be ok.
Ro

Refiner

No, you're allowed to have your good memories. He was a BIG part of your life that used to be good, then he became the cancerous tumor on your soul. But as with most cancers, they don't or can't get better and just get worse until they kill the host. Be glad the tumor was successfully removed before infecting any more of your soul's cells that are slowly rebuilding!

hopeful4

I second that we are all allowed those good memories. The sad reality is that this is no longer who they are, but it does not erase the good times. Keep moving forward my friend, it takes time!!! XXX

FireSprite

I think you just did, lol!

It's ok to acknowledge real feelings ~ it's not at all the same as wallowing in them or living your life around the hopes of what could be. I think you're doing just great!

Liveitwell

Thank you!! I so needed to hear from y'all....I appreciate your responses. I'm not wallowing or living in fantasy land-I'm in reality with all it's crap-taking each day as it comes.

FireSprite

Hilarious, but true!

firebolt

Ugg - music is the WORST! I keep hearing 'our song' and I can't wait til I hate it.

Looking forward to the day you post on here that you had a fantastic, happy, healthy day, ripped that photo to bits, and set it on fire. Til then - you're doing just fine. You are allowed to feel sentimental and sad about the end - that's not fantasy land. It just is. (((HUGS)))

Liveitwell

^^ I do have fantastic, happy, healthy days-and I don't want to set the picture on fire. Honestly. I'm not angry anymore-by the grace of God. I accept fully what he is now-but still very much mourn who he was, the good things. I refuse to have hate or anger in my heart and refuse to let fear control me.
Music is a trigger for me as well-which is why my running songs are mostly old school rap and hip hop songs-those only bring up crazy drunk college memories....so things I can laugh at today now that I'm sober and not in an alcoholic marriage!!
Thank you for your words! It is what it is

healthyagain

^^ This so true.


Imagine you give someone $20 every time they clap their hands. Suddenly, you stop giving them money. What happens is that they start clapping faster before they stop.

My now ex (still getting used to the idea that he is my EX) in the past few months showed such personality changes, almost like trying really fast every trick that was in his little book to suck me back in. I resisted every time, but he went from slimy, to aggressive, to caring (hoovering), to being "romantic" (yuck), to cold, disinterested, passive-aggressive, you name it. And all that within a day or two. Spinning and spinning, like a twister of manipulation.

I took the wedding ring off after I filed for divorce and threw away the picture of him I carried in my wallet. Every time I dare to miss him, I remind myself of all the mess that was left for me to clean up, the loan and the IRS debt. Then the attorney fees, then the address change, then notifying the insurance companies, creditors.

I guess I miss some nice moments we spent together, some nice memories, but I do not miss his craziness at all.

Liveitwell

Thank you for your words-^^^-so true; I've experienced some of the same things. I do not miss that at all-or the immaturity, arrogance, denial, etc. Yes, that personality was the salesman hoovering with slick words-unfortunately words don't mean a thing! He sent me messages last week telling me he knew the moment he saw me and that he tried so hard to talk with me, his wife. Um, dude, I'm not your wife. I don't want to be your wife which is why I divorced you. I read it and moved on with my day-in fact my only feeling was, I feel sorry he will not get help....I sure hope he does, but if he doesn't the girls and I are thriving without him-bc I can and do pick up the broken hearts he leaves behind. Words are 100% meaningless.
Anyway, tangent! God reveals all I need to know....that's all I'm really sure if these days

Liveitwell

I removed the picture from my wallet this morning during my quiet time-that person no longer exists.