Well now that I've destroyed everything..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 7
Well now that I've destroyed everything..
Hello everyone,
I'm new here, and I'm starting to realize that I'm an alcoholic. I suppose I've been in denial for some time, but now that I've broken everything around me I suppose it's time to face facts.
Quite recently I decided that I needed to stop drinking, that the fighting and arguments with my wife over nothing needed to end. We started marriage counselling. On our first visit, I was so overcome with guilt and remorse about two affairs I had 3 and 5 years ago while drunk that I admitted everything.
Now my wife is destroyed, my family is shaken, and only now do I realize the long term pain I've caused. It's not even the two affairs, it's years of suffering because of my weakness.
I'm determined to change, to quit drinking. I'm going to see an independent counselor, and I think I'm going to give AA meetings a shot starting Wednesday evening.
Sure hope I can at least repair some of my life after all of this.
I'm new here, and I'm starting to realize that I'm an alcoholic. I suppose I've been in denial for some time, but now that I've broken everything around me I suppose it's time to face facts.
Quite recently I decided that I needed to stop drinking, that the fighting and arguments with my wife over nothing needed to end. We started marriage counselling. On our first visit, I was so overcome with guilt and remorse about two affairs I had 3 and 5 years ago while drunk that I admitted everything.
Now my wife is destroyed, my family is shaken, and only now do I realize the long term pain I've caused. It's not even the two affairs, it's years of suffering because of my weakness.
I'm determined to change, to quit drinking. I'm going to see an independent counselor, and I think I'm going to give AA meetings a shot starting Wednesday evening.
Sure hope I can at least repair some of my life after all of this.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,087
Ouch, your wife just now found out about the two affairs? Sorry to hear it, and here's to hoping you get things together, and make everything right again.
You probably have a bit of an uphill battle though, but SR is always here to lend support, so don't hesitate.
You probably have a bit of an uphill battle though, but SR is always here to lend support, so don't hesitate.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I'm sorry for what brings you here but I know you'll find help and understanding, Sindaine.
I know you want your wife and your marriage back...but don't do this for that reason - do this for you.
I wish you all the best on rebuilding your life - you'll find support here
D
I know you want your wife and your marriage back...but don't do this for that reason - do this for you.
I wish you all the best on rebuilding your life - you'll find support here
D
You're not shackled to not drinking, you're free from drinking
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 1,406
Yeah, you have your work cut out for you. It's going to be a long up hill battle. But take it one day at a time. If there's one thing I've learned it's that things do get better. It may not be what you were expecting and in the moment it won't feel like anything will get better. But it eventually does.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 7
Yep, its worse than that.
11 years ago, when we were dealing with a serious issue, I became distance and had an emotional affair which later turned physical after my wife and I separated. I lied about having sex with this person, which she just found out Thursday when I told all.
9 Years ago flirting with a co-worker got physical. I ended it, but told her about it then.
Then Thursday when I confessed all I told her about two drunken affairs, both physical, but no-intercourse. Like any of that matters to her.
In the end though, those 4 just pale to the compounded little things in my head. Like the fighting, or telling her she's wrong, or belittling her opinion, or hurting her just to hurt her, or any number of things. All of which when I woke up the next day, I couldn't figure out what in the hell is wrong with me.
I still don't know what the hell is wrong with me. Sitting here now, I can see what I've done, I can see what I'm losing, and it's tearing me apart.
I know the road will be tough, I expect it will be the hardest thing I've ever done. But for my wife, for my kids, and primarily for myself I have got to become that person I want to be, the person I know I can be. Any sacrifice I can make will be worth it in the end.
My wife can't even look at me right now. She doesn't want a location separation, because she doesn't want to destroy the family. But being in eyesight of her makes her furious. I feel so terrible, I can't even imagine what she's going through. Sometimes I wish she'd just take a shovel and beat me with it. Maybe she'd feel better, which would make me feel better.
I suppose that's what makes all of this so hard, is I'm so willing to sacrifice myself to heal her, which I suppose isn't right, I should fix me, but I can't help it.
11 years ago, when we were dealing with a serious issue, I became distance and had an emotional affair which later turned physical after my wife and I separated. I lied about having sex with this person, which she just found out Thursday when I told all.
9 Years ago flirting with a co-worker got physical. I ended it, but told her about it then.
Then Thursday when I confessed all I told her about two drunken affairs, both physical, but no-intercourse. Like any of that matters to her.
In the end though, those 4 just pale to the compounded little things in my head. Like the fighting, or telling her she's wrong, or belittling her opinion, or hurting her just to hurt her, or any number of things. All of which when I woke up the next day, I couldn't figure out what in the hell is wrong with me.
I still don't know what the hell is wrong with me. Sitting here now, I can see what I've done, I can see what I'm losing, and it's tearing me apart.
I know the road will be tough, I expect it will be the hardest thing I've ever done. But for my wife, for my kids, and primarily for myself I have got to become that person I want to be, the person I know I can be. Any sacrifice I can make will be worth it in the end.
My wife can't even look at me right now. She doesn't want a location separation, because she doesn't want to destroy the family. But being in eyesight of her makes her furious. I feel so terrible, I can't even imagine what she's going through. Sometimes I wish she'd just take a shovel and beat me with it. Maybe she'd feel better, which would make me feel better.
I suppose that's what makes all of this so hard, is I'm so willing to sacrifice myself to heal her, which I suppose isn't right, I should fix me, but I can't help it.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Cleveland
Posts: 320
That's really tough! Sorry to hear it but we are all here to support you. Good luck with your recovery, tho! That is something that is in your control. Not something in the past or dependent on another person. Lots of people who are very knowledgeable about recovery are on this website.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
welcome....
Years of damage, years of shame, emotional baggage, regrets and secrets - all layered-through with a soaking of addiction.....
Yes, I know right where you are. Because I've been there, too.
Good news; it gets better.
You're on the right path.
Years of damage, years of shame, emotional baggage, regrets and secrets - all layered-through with a soaking of addiction.....
Yes, I know right where you are. Because I've been there, too.
Good news; it gets better.
You're on the right path.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 359
Well, you've taken the roof, and the windows, and the walls, and bulldozed them quite into rubble.
Alright then.
Here's where you start now.
See that thing you have left? That's your foundation - it's time for you to start rebuilding yourself, your relationship with your family, and your marriage, and only you can do that, and it can only be done one day at a time.
Be strong, your family and marriage are worth it, and most importantly, you, yourself, are worth it. You can do this.
Alright then.
Here's where you start now.
See that thing you have left? That's your foundation - it's time for you to start rebuilding yourself, your relationship with your family, and your marriage, and only you can do that, and it can only be done one day at a time.
Be strong, your family and marriage are worth it, and most importantly, you, yourself, are worth it. You can do this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by HeartsAfire 
Your wife needs help & her own therapy now too. As gently & lovingly as possible, please encourage this for her.
My priorities are fixing me, and healing her. If we can pull the marriage out of the sewer then wonderful.
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Welcome, glad you're here.
In sobriety many of us learn that change is possible and making amends to our loved ones start by simply not being the person we use to be. That starts with stopping and staying stopped.
If you choose to go into the rooms, you will learn some tools that will help you deal with the wreckage we cause. I found it impossible to stay sober if I could not address some of my past issues.
Take new sobriety one day at a time - we can't get 7 years sober in 7 days - it takes time.
Don't drink, clean yourself up and get to a meeting. You won't regret any of it.........
In sobriety many of us learn that change is possible and making amends to our loved ones start by simply not being the person we use to be. That starts with stopping and staying stopped.
If you choose to go into the rooms, you will learn some tools that will help you deal with the wreckage we cause. I found it impossible to stay sober if I could not address some of my past issues.
Take new sobriety one day at a time - we can't get 7 years sober in 7 days - it takes time.
Don't drink, clean yourself up and get to a meeting. You won't regret any of it.........
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
you can't heal her.... she can only heal herself.
What you CAN do is make it very very clear to her - through your words, your ACTIONS and your commitment - that you are truly sorry, that you want to rebuild, and that whatever she needs from YOU in order to heal - you're willing to give.
What you CAN do is make it very very clear to her - through your words, your ACTIONS and your commitment - that you are truly sorry, that you want to rebuild, and that whatever she needs from YOU in order to heal - you're willing to give.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Deep in the heart of Texas
Posts: 1,736
Originally Posted by Sindaine
I can't think of a way to say this to her. I think when I see my marriage counselor today solo, I'm going to bring this up. Perhaps she can suggest it on Thursday when we both go (If we still both go)
My priorities are fixing me, and healing her. If we can pull the marriage out of the sewer then wonderful.
My priorities are fixing me, and healing her. If we can pull the marriage out of the sewer then wonderful.
Your priority needs to be you, hers needs to be her. You can't heal her. Only she can heal herself.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Gulf Coast, USA
Posts: 2,229
Welcome Sindaine. Lots of good advice here already. Sorry you and your wife are going through this right now.
The one common theme is what ever happens, drinking is your enemy. Time will either heal the wounds or send you in different directions. I think the ball is in your court since your wife didn't ask for you to leave.
Your actions will speak volumes and getting rid of drinking is a great start. No matter what ultimately happens, you can begin molding your tomorrows by not drinking today.
Glad you've found us.
Welcome.
The one common theme is what ever happens, drinking is your enemy. Time will either heal the wounds or send you in different directions. I think the ball is in your court since your wife didn't ask for you to leave.
Your actions will speak volumes and getting rid of drinking is a great start. No matter what ultimately happens, you can begin molding your tomorrows by not drinking today.
Glad you've found us.
Welcome.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Hi Sindaine and welcome.
Well, you're coming out of denial...try to stay there. The only way to have a happy, healthy life is to quit drinking. Continue drinking and you will get more of the same and worse. Its that simple really....doesn't mean its always easy.
I know that I can only 'fix' me...my actions and reactions. What others do is up to them. I do know it has helped me to really try to understand how my actions affect the people I love. I read often on the Friends and Family Forum ( I don't post because that isn't appropriate most of the time) just to 'hear' how the other side feels. It can be pretty tough stuff but its reality and important for me to understand. When actively in my addiction I believe on some level I deserve special consideration. I don't. What I do when drunk is not ok and I must look at it full on in order to learn from it. My drinking is largely because I'm filling some deep void, some lack of authentic self. External gratification in the form of affairs, attention seeking, substance abuse are just huge red flags that I lack self esteem. That is what I'm working on recovery. Finding me, becoming me.
Take it one day at a time. Sounds corny but its true. Your actions are what will be looked at. And your actions will help you find you. You can do this!
Well, you're coming out of denial...try to stay there. The only way to have a happy, healthy life is to quit drinking. Continue drinking and you will get more of the same and worse. Its that simple really....doesn't mean its always easy.
I know that I can only 'fix' me...my actions and reactions. What others do is up to them. I do know it has helped me to really try to understand how my actions affect the people I love. I read often on the Friends and Family Forum ( I don't post because that isn't appropriate most of the time) just to 'hear' how the other side feels. It can be pretty tough stuff but its reality and important for me to understand. When actively in my addiction I believe on some level I deserve special consideration. I don't. What I do when drunk is not ok and I must look at it full on in order to learn from it. My drinking is largely because I'm filling some deep void, some lack of authentic self. External gratification in the form of affairs, attention seeking, substance abuse are just huge red flags that I lack self esteem. That is what I'm working on recovery. Finding me, becoming me.
Take it one day at a time. Sounds corny but its true. Your actions are what will be looked at. And your actions will help you find you. You can do this!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: London
Posts: 172
Hi and welcome, I started a thread here a couple of days ago about confessions like you I have done many things drunk that left me feeling shameful and remorseful. The most important thing is to forgive yourself I made a list of all my sins took it to the woods spoke it out to the universe and burnt it. I am forgiven and I forgive myself. Moving forward you can only change today now so start putting in positive actions.
You can do this.
You can do this.
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