Dragonfly88

I'm new to the life of trying to partner an alcoholic and I am looking for some sound advice and direction.

Our relationship is very new (6 mo) and I meet him with the knowledge that he'd been sober 20 years. He relapsed 4 months into our time together and went straight to an outpatient daily rehab. He's still drinking. He does it secretly even when he is over to visit me. He thinks he's hiding it, but he's doing a terrible job of it. I haven't said anything. He is leaving for a 2 week rehab out of the country next week.

I refuse to be with an active alcoholic. I am wondering what my approach should be. I do not want to enable. I believed in his ability to recover and get back to honestly working a program. How do I say that and also say "I won't if you don't?"

Thanks for your feedback.

redatlanta

Welcome to SR and sorry for what brings you here.

What you are talking about it laying boundaries. Boundaries are made for you not for the alcoholic in your life. The approach is that you do/and or say things based on how you want to live vs. trying to control the alcoholic and their consumption. This relationship is relatively new ,and its tough to enter into a relationship with a relapsed alcoholic. If he delves into recovery in the way that he should his focus will be 100% on staying sober vs. building a relationship with you. Even in relationships that have years of investment or marriage recovery takes a toll on the relationship. Partners often feel left out of the equation.

In other words recovery doesn't look like your partner leaving for 2 weeks then coming back, and everything being A-ok. That he is still drinking, hiding it, and attending an outpatient service is a pretty huge red flag about where his head is in sincerity to recovery.

How you approach this with him is simply to say that you will not be in a relationship with an active alcoholic. I would probably make him aware that I knew he is still drinking (and you may get denials on that), and end the relationship now. Encourage him to focus on getting sober, then get in contact with you once he has achieved staying sober for a length of time.

I realize that is probably not what you want to hear- it is honest though. Given what he is doing now I wouldn't put much stock into him getting sober with a 2 week stint in rehab. Its possible, yet its always best not to have much expectation with an active alcoholic. Sobriety takes time for most and several tries for most. that he was sober (supposedly) 20 years doesn't mean much now that he is drinking. The whole process is the same if he had never been sober, and for some recovering from the relapse is harder.

Al Anon would be a great place for you.

Hawkeye13

I think with only six months invested, I'd step back out of the relationship.

This protects you from further harm from an active alcoholic who clearly isn't ready to stop yet

It also gives him a chance to focus fully on his sobriety or not.

If you're new to this, the best piece of advice I can offer (as both a former alcoholic and codependent myself) is you didn't cause it, and you truly cannot fix it.

It is up to him. Take care of you.

SparkleKitty

If your boundary is that you refuse to be with an alcoholic, you should consider exiting this relationship as soon as possible.

Dragonfly88

My boundary is that I won't be in a relationship with an active alcoholic. I am willing to be with someone who is working a program. I'm new to this so please tell me, is that one in the same?

SparkleKitty

From the behavior described in your post, I would say that he is currently an active alcoholic.

When it comes to addiction, I had to learn to look at actions, and ignore words. Words can be anything. Actions tell you who someone is right now, today.

honeypig

An active alcoholic is one who is drinking and showing all the negative characteristics that this implies, such as dishonesty, irresponsibility, emotional unavailability, manipulative behavior and so on.

Someone working a program is someone who is NOT drinking and is actively pursuing recovery, behaving in an honest, responsible manner. (While "not drinking" may or may not mean recovery, recovery absolutely means "not drinking.")

Based on that, the answer to your question about whether being an active A and working a program are the same thing would be a resounding NO--they are polar opposites.

Hope that clarified things to some extent.

honeypig

I also want to clarify, Dragonfly, that just b/c an alcoholic hasn't taken a drink in a day or two doesn't mean that he/she is "recovering" or necessarily even "sober" in any sense other than the medical one of not showing a blood alcohol level above a certain point. There are some good books recommended at various places on this site that will help you understand the effect long-term alcohol abuse has on the brain and body; "Under the Influence" is one.

Understanding and accepting that you are not dealing w/a "normal" person is important; the responses and reactions you'll get from an A are very different from those of a non-A. That is a major sticking point for so many of us--we are dealing w/someone who simply doesn't function the same way others do, but yet we keep on acting as if they did.

I'm not saying A's are subhuman, nonhuman, or the like, just that the disease warps their thinking and emotions into something we non-A's can't fully understand. And it's important for us to remember that.

hopepraylove

I agree, with only six months invested, I would kindly suggest considering stepping away. If it is your destiny to reconcile, it will happen, but allow him to get his bearings without focusing entirely on the relationship. It is a difficult, uphill battle to be in a relationship with someone who is not ready to give up their vices (addictions)

Dragonfly88

Thank you all so much for your thoughts and input. Regardless of our short time together I love him and want him to have a good life. He needs to put his energy into a working program if that's what he wants. I understand that I don't fit in that equation right now if it is to be successful. It breaks my heart a little. It breaks my heart a lot.

I notice that this disease breaks up many partnerships. It's sad to see that addiction, even while in recovery from it, can take so much of a person that there is barely anything left to give a partner. Are recovering addicts just destined to be alone? (Geralizing, here I know).

Hawkeye13

Much of the time, in the end and unrecovered, yes they do end up alone.

Sometimes an unhealthy codependent relationship can go on for a very long time as well.

redatlanta

No. They may be destined to be alone while initially going through recovery - it is suggested if single not to enter into a relationship for a year.

If married, or in a long term relationship, and with a supportive partner (that is also in recovery), its very possible for a couple to go through together, and have a better relationship.

If the relationship does not have deep roots I would say it would be less likely for the relationship to sustain the demands of recovery. If the codependent partner does not address their own problem and work on that it usually does not work either.

I agree with Hawkeye an active alcoholic is definitely more likely to end up alone......that could be a really long time though as pointed out that many codependents will hang on to an Alcoholic and dysfunctional relationship for years. Even till death do us part.

NYCDoglvr

I'm glad you've reached this decision. You're with an active alcoholic now and he may -- or may not -- get sober again. What I would do is say you'd like a break until he gets some solid time. After six months or so, if he has a program and a sponsor, you can talk. Right now you are enabling him just by letting him lie to you about sobriety.

Liveitwell

Honeypig-your posts are spot on-100% accurate...couldn't have said it better (not even remotely close !). Thank you for posting.
NYC-thank you for posting and reminding about enabling-I enabled my exs alcoholism for far too many years-while I was actively abusing alcohol and after I quit. No longer enabling! Check that off my bucket list