caretaker88

I am new here and I am basically looking for some support and resources. My boyfriend is an alcoholic and went to a very well known treatment facility for a 28 day stay about 5-6 years ago. After about 2 years of sobriety, he started drinking again. When I asked him why, he said he was really lonely. He said he went to treatment because he felt his alcoholism was causing his family to fall apart, which was probably true. When he returned from treatment, he walked in his own home, finding his wife with another man. He said he left and got a small apartment and tried to start over. He said he had to make new friends and it was very difficult, because he has terrible anxiety (likely what he was using the alcohol to medicate for). He said that he kind of got "sick of being the only one sober" everywhere he went and felt very alone. I asked how it progressed and he told me that he started out just having a couple and then it went from there. I asked how long it was before he was binge drinking again and he said "about a week". We got together about 3 years ago, after he started drinking again. We both have children from our previous marriages and we are now all living together. He has no problem admitting that he has a major problem; he has always been open with me about it. At first, because I was not familiar with alcoholism, I would have a few drinks with him, and would occasionally get drunk with him. Now I know better. I no longer drink with him or really drink at all. He keeps telling me that he needs to go back to treatment and I continue to encourage him to do so. I feel like we will never have the great relationship that I think we have to potential to reach, if he continues to drink. I keep our children from seeing him drunk, but I know that they know something is not right. I am beginning to think he is hitting rock-bottom, because he now talks about getting things organized with work, the house and our kids so that he can go. I know he is scared, because he says that he is. The thing is, I am scared too. But, I am tired of walking on egg shells when he is around, just trying to guage his mood and how much he has had to drink. We have never had a relationship when he was sober, so I am scared that he will not want me in his life anymore when he gets sober. I am sad and scared about that, but I don't care either. If he gets sober and leaves me, I will be okay with that. I am willing to take that chance. I am just wondering if this is all "lip service" or if it really does look like he is going to go. How will I know? What can I do to help make it happen? I know this is premature, but I don't even know how to act when he does make the decision to go or when I visit or when he comes home? I am so lost.

caretaker88

So I think I am posting in the wrong area! Again, I am new here... maybe you guys can give me some insight as well?

Berrybean

Hi Caretaker.
I think the first thing you need to understand is that you can't do this for him. Like learning to find your balance and ride a bike - we can't do it for someone else, no matter how much we love them. Each person has to find their own balance and learn to ride their own sobriety cycle. It would be so easy for this relationship to become one of co-dependence, and your choice of name on here suggests that you are already seeing yourself as a Caretaker. Co-dependency really isn't good for anyone. Not you, and not him. And not for the kids who are the ones who should be on the receiving end of the attention and care but can easily end up losing out.
Have you checked out Al-Anon? There would be a great support network for you there, with advice from many who have lived through what you are going through.

What makes you think he is getting sober any time soon if he is still drinking?

Dee74

Hi and welcome Caretaker

I see you have a thread in the Family and Friends forum too - that should cover both bases.

I'm sorry for the fear and uncertainty you are clearly feeling - there's really no way for anyone to know how this is going to turn out and I'm sorry - I wish I had more reassurance for you.

What I can say is that I was an alcoholic and addict for decades, and real lasting change is possible. I've seen it in me and many others here

But action speaks louder than words. I spent many years 'gunna' do this and 'gunna' do that while still drinking...

He really needs to show some action behind the words I think. If not then you have some serious thinking to do for yourself and your kids.

I really hope your partner is serious and committed to his recovery

best wishes
D

caretaker88

I guess I am trying to trust what he is saying. He will be crying every night, saying "I can't do this any more." Over and over. I overhear him saying it out loud to himself when he thinks he is alone. I hear him crying himself to sleep at night, when he thinks I am already sleeping. He is getting so thin and his skin is beginning to turn a little bit yellow. I have pointed it out to him, but he is scared to go to the doctor, because he says he knows that it is his drinking. He knows it is killing him. He is so young and our kids are still growing up. I can't do this without him and I certainly can't do it if he doesn't get sober.

He is still drinking. A lot. A lot, a lot. He is only about 130 pounds and he will drink close to 3/4 case every night, usually within 4 hours. And it is the ICE version of beer, so it is basically the alcohol of 1.5 normal beers. I am afraid for him to quit without help. I am a RN and now that it can be very dangerous for him to just quit without being observed in a detox center. I am also afraid of him falling asleep some night and not waking up.

caretaker88

Thank you Dee. I have so much hope. I just want him to be happy and healthy. I think he can do it. I really can.

Dee74

I always recommend people see their Dr for professional medical advice for those wanting to quit.

It sounds especially urgent if your ex is as you describe him.

Going to the docs is not something anyone wants to do, but having done it myself, I see it as another way for him to show his willingness to quit, his commitment to change, and to being around and in good health for you and your children for years to come.

D

caretaker88

Thank you. I will see if he is willing to make an appointment for some time this week. If he follows through, I guess I will have part of my answer as to how serious he is about quitting.

Thank you both.

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum Caretaker!!

ast1

Welcome to SR. Praying it works out for you and family.