Upwardspiral

I began going to AA meetings about a month ago because I felt I needed to be more proactive in achieving long term sobriety (I have 75 days.)
I'm a real loner, have been since high school. I've had a few friendships that were really special but from which I drift away after a couple of years. I've had some boyfriends but I'm not concerned with dating right now.
I am afraid of many things in platonic intimacy.
I don't know who I am, and as I get close to people I sometimes morph, being more of what they like, taking on their traits that I like. If I don't feel intense about them, I remain distant.

It's so much easier for me to be strong, self reliant and aloof than to try to understand boundaries. For example, I walk or bike to AA meetings (and everywhere else.) Tonight I walked home in the pouring rain after turning down a ride from a nice girl there. I suppose I'm afraid of seeming like I rely on others? I choose not to have a car. I'd rather get soaked than let someone think I have no choice but to walk because I CAN'T drive.
This is just one example but I think it sums up this irrational pride and self loathing that is keeping me from enjoying friendships.

I can't just enjoy someone's company without judging either them or myself. Either I'm going to bum THEM out, or they're going to bring ME down. I'm going to embarrass myself, or they're going to bore me.
I'm afraid of being abandoned, or having to hurt someone's feelings.

I think I'd maybe be fine keeping to myself but when I come home from meetings I tend to feel very sad and lonely. Biking around at night I sometimes feel a pang as I pass lit up restaurants, bars, homes.
I will bring this to my sponsor when I see her next week, but if anyone has any words of wisdom about letting go and letting friends enter your life, I would really appreciate it.

fantail

I don't know but I actually came here to post something about not feeling like I can connect with people right now. So not much in the way of advice here.

I do try to practice a "just say yes" policy when it comes to invitations or offers from new people. I often have to force myself to do it but usually am glad that I did.

But otherwise, no advice here, just a hey me too.

Upwardspiral

Fantail, I guess I could try that policy. It's my knee jerk reaction to turn everything down. I honestly don't even know anymore when I would like to say yes, I just feel a nagging regret afterwards that I justify away.

countrygirl2014

I was the same way!!! Keep going to meetings and stay sober. With time your self esteem is going to rise and your confidence is going to show. As your brain heals over time you will notice most of these emotional struggles and issues come from the imbalance the alcohol caused. I HATED myself, the way I looked, talked everything. It's like I never grew emotionally from about age 15 (when I started drinking) You will notice you will start developing friendships and it's pretty amazing! Hang in there.

Jennifer

Tooshabby

I've noticed with making friends that I have to accept there will be a given period of time before trust and comfort are established. Related to that, I've come to appreciate that you can form friendships with people and it doesn't work out, but that's okay. You can still learn a lot from any person - it's not wasted time. I would say take notice of people that you are attracted to, that kind of give you that 'zing', feel alive feeling when you listen to them, and be ready to make a suggestion or accept an offer. Seize the opportunity and be prepared for it to feel a bit awkward or tentative in the beginning, knowing that in time you will feel comfortable and really enjoy the friendship. You can generally tell fairly quickly if you are going to like someone in the long-term, so it's easy just to be 'busy' a few times and they'll get the message without you having to be overly hurtful if you change your mind.

I think I know what you mean about the morphing business....the older I get the more mindful of that I am. They tend to be friendships that don't work out. If you are 'present', you know when you are compromising your own values. I suspect if you really think about it you may have ideas about who you are; what's important to you and what interests you about a person. It's an exciting time in your life :-)

fantail

US, I also tend to turn stuff down. I was very shy as a kid and similarly I try to project self-reliance, so it often happens before I even really process that I'm doing it. Similar to what you describe. I fear the entanglement I guess. Actually this thread has kind of blown my mind because I wouldn't have described my distance from people this way, but... yeah, what you're talking about is very similar to me.

!!

The thing I get from saying yes, when I manage to do it (I'm a hypocrite because I turned down an invite tonight and sat at home stewing instead), is that I sometimes catch glimpses of the fact that I can get enjoyment from being around people even if we're not friend-soul-mates.

Upwardspiral

Thank you countrygirl and tooshabby, you're right; I'm not done with this process. I keep forgetting that since I'm no longer drinking and I am taking steps to change I don't have to keep fearing the same results I got in the past. I am old enough to be myself with anyone, even if myself has nothing to say. Thanks for the reassurance.

Fantail "entanglement" is a good word to describe what I fear. I suppose that's where honesty is key. If something doesn't feel right there is no need to become trapped out of politeness. I guess it would also be helpful to not anticipate the downfall of each relationship before it has even begun!

Tooshabby

lol...well, yes, there is that!

helpimalive

I completely understand the part about either judging the other person or embarrassing yourself is exactly my problem too.

Or at least I think I get it. For me, either I think I'm better than you, so I'm not afraid to be around you, but I don't want to; or I think you're better than me, so being around you terrifies me and I assume everything I say and do won't be good enough for you. So I rarely make friends. And I always end up feeling lonely after I've been around people but not connected with them.

I don't have answers either ...

Frank14

Oh, god, a lot of what you say I totally relate to. A couple of weeks ago I was golfing in 106 degree heat and my golf coach offered me an ice cold bottled water (I had runout). I actually started to say, "No, it's ok, I'm good." Luckily half came out, and I was able to change my answer to, "Hell yes I'll take you up on that offer!" You really just need to work on it!

Berrybean

Completely relate to what you say, and can remember being that way for years.

Give it time - many of us enter the rooms that way. Try to join in with setting and tidying up as it's an easy ice breaker. You may also find that it's much easier to relate on a 1:1 level, so maybe try to push yourself to accept next time you're offered a lift. Most of my best AA friendships have started by sharing rides.

The step work, and learning to trust a sponsor will all give you some relief, and the opportunity to explore, and to work on the pride and self-loathing. Stick around and listen to some main shares; Big Book and 12 and 12 discussions and you'll hear those things pop up time and time again.

You've gone to the right place. My advice would be to stop any procrastination, pick someone who speaks sense and seems to have what you want, and ask them if they'd consider being your sponsor. That might seem impossible - asking for help?! I felt like the world could end if I did that. But it is the first hurdle to overcome, and is never as horrible or difficult as we fear it will be. " Hi, could I have a moment of your time? I've been told that the steps will help me and I'd like to give them a go. I wondered if you would consider being my sponsor?" Easy peasey. The worst that can happen is they could say no and direct you to someone better placed (maybe because they're over-committed or going away for three weeks shortly, or like me, haven't quite finished the 12-steps themselves just yet).

Good luck

Upwardspiral

Thanks beccybean. I just met with my sponsor for the first time this week. I'm looking forward to confiding in her more. I like having SR to ask those non urgent questions at 11 p.m.

PurpleKnight

Start small, you don't have to have an energetic social life and a list of friends over night.

But take a small step each week, whether accepting that lift home, have a conversation with someone new, share a coffee with someone, eventually it'll all add up and you'll start to make connections with people.

After years of alcohol I needed to learn how to just have a conversation without alcohol again, it takes practice, but the more you do it, things will get easier!!

Hang in there!!

sobercanblonely

You could be my soul twin, I pretty much feel the exact same way. I have pushed lifelong friends away, I don't make new ones mainly because of the whole judging them and myself. As sad as it is I am happy to find I am not the only one that is like this, definitely following your thread, thank you!

Upwardspiral

Thanks everyone. I can see more clearly today that this is another aspect of doing the work and it will take time. I can't just become someone totally different overnight.
I can't think myself into being more socially at ease, either.
I will start making a conscious effort to resist my retreat impulse and to reach out proactively. Baby steps.

ClearLight

I have a little suggestion. Maybe you could help with the clean up or set up. Come in early and ask if there is anything you could do to help. Or stay late and ask the same question. Just a little thing.

Here's a little song about venturing out into the world. A bit of encouragement.
"For well you know that it’s a fool who plays it cool
by making his world a little colder"

SoberInCLE

Wow, I totally related to what you said, especially the part about going past the lit restaurants, bars. Loneliness and not feeling like you can confide your true self in someone are such problems for me. I have such low self-esteem and I project this happy upbeat persona all the time. It is such a struggle. You feel like you are not known by anyone. God. This made me totally emotional. The drinking is such a small thing compared to the feelings we have to confront about ourselves.

I stopped drinking in July so I think we have been sober about the same amount of time. If it helps you feel any better, I feel much confusion which turns into a lack of motivation too despite wanting a better life. I agree with countrygirl2014 that the more sober time we have the more we will understand our feelings and not be afraid of them.

I realize some of this is my own thing and not what you were talking about, but thanks for sharing because it really helped me out today.

Meraviglioso

Hi UpwardSpiral, as have others, I also relate to what you are saying. I have ONE single friend in my life. One great girlfriend who I could talk to about anything, or just have over to hang out, take a nap, not talk at all and watch tv, etc. Yet I have many acquaintances. I used to satisfy my need for socializations by hanging out at my local bar. I would chat, sit at tables with people, dance, shoot-the-****, whatever, and then call it a day/night and go home to be alone. I didn't know anyone's name, didn't have anyone's phone number to call if I had a real issue, didn't really connect with anyone.
Now that I am serious about staying sober I don't feel comfortable are ok with going to the bar so I am missing that aspect of false socialization and I now find myself very, very lonely.
I don't know what to do. I go to AA meetings when I can, I talk with the other moms after school, but I also feel like you, I hold off on any real connection.
I realize now as I type I don't really have any point. So I guess I'll cut this short and just say that yes, I understand you and I do relate.

Upwardspiral

Thanks for relating. Since I first posted this I can't say much has changed. I'm starting to break the ice with some folks I see at meetings often. I've even hung out with a couple of women from the rooms outside of meetings, but I still feel anxious about being "on". I usually prefer to shoot the **** with the guys, a practice which some AA's seem to view with a rather Victorian stance.

I will keep trying though. I have to remember that I began to regularly isolate myself several years ago, and it may take just as long to reach a healthy balance in my social life.
I do know I can call my sponsor and at least one girl if I really have a problem. That's a lot.

Upwardspiral

Thanks Mera, I can only imagine how complicated it would be in a foreign land and with children! I'm glad you're still around, you were one of the first regular posters who made me feel like this is a real and strong community