I'm so angry at myself
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 76
I'm so angry at myself
Hello everyone. I need to post this and stop holding it in and trying to quit by myself.
I'm so ashamed of myself. I feel like screaming. I keep "relapsing".. I put it in quotation marks because I feel like I haven't even been sober long enough to call it relapsing. I'm 26 years old. I can go 5 days without drinking but obsess about it the whole time . I just drank last night and of course I regret it. I'm hungover and yet the thought will cross my mind to go out and buy more wine tonight. I used to be an almost nightly drinker then quit for 11 months about 2 years ago with the help of this site. Since relapsing from that I've felt pretty demoralized. I have to quit for myself and for my husband...this is not fair to him what I'm doing. I'm so ashamed of how many times I've told him I will quit for good only to relapse a month later. I feel absolutely worthless
I'm so ashamed of myself. I feel like screaming. I keep "relapsing".. I put it in quotation marks because I feel like I haven't even been sober long enough to call it relapsing. I'm 26 years old. I can go 5 days without drinking but obsess about it the whole time . I just drank last night and of course I regret it. I'm hungover and yet the thought will cross my mind to go out and buy more wine tonight. I used to be an almost nightly drinker then quit for 11 months about 2 years ago with the help of this site. Since relapsing from that I've felt pretty demoralized. I have to quit for myself and for my husband...this is not fair to him what I'm doing. I'm so ashamed of how many times I've told him I will quit for good only to relapse a month later. I feel absolutely worthless
Hillbilly Girl
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: In my Garden
Posts: 3,953
Hi 64....it's a new day, commit to not drinking today, try not to beat yourself up & move forward. I fought & fought going to AA, but needed the local support, I'm not crazy about everything about it, but I've decided its right where I need to be. Be kind to yourself today.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 76
Thank you very much Mariah! I just got off the phone with an emergency counselling service and I should be able to see a counsellor next week. I've been to a few AA meetings in the past, didn't like it that much but its something I'm willing to try again if I have to. This has to stop, its killing me
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Manhattan, New York
Posts: 83
Hey 64,
You came here so that was a first great step. Im newly sober myself and I understand the struggle. The longest Ive gone without drinking in the past 10 years of my life has been a week. (This is a nod to your 11 months--you should be proud of that, thats not easy) Were all human hun, and this disease has taken the best of us at times, but you realize that its not working for you anymore and thats something to smile over at least.
You are DEFINITELY not worthless. Dust yourself off and try again. Come here if you feel that you are going to relapse (thats been pretty much all Ive been doing the past few days that Ive been on here) As you seem to know already from your previous time here, its amazingly supportive and you deserve it.
You deserve to be happy. And this place can bring you serenity and power.
Feel free to message me if you wanna 1 on 1. We're pretty much in the same boat.
You came here so that was a first great step. Im newly sober myself and I understand the struggle. The longest Ive gone without drinking in the past 10 years of my life has been a week. (This is a nod to your 11 months--you should be proud of that, thats not easy) Were all human hun, and this disease has taken the best of us at times, but you realize that its not working for you anymore and thats something to smile over at least.
You are DEFINITELY not worthless. Dust yourself off and try again. Come here if you feel that you are going to relapse (thats been pretty much all Ive been doing the past few days that Ive been on here) As you seem to know already from your previous time here, its amazingly supportive and you deserve it.
You deserve to be happy. And this place can bring you serenity and power.
Feel free to message me if you wanna 1 on 1. We're pretty much in the same boat.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 76
I'm going to sleep now. I'm glad to have that option today. How many times have we (us alcoholics) gone to work with the nastiest hangover imaginable.. if I could bottle this feeling (no pun intended) to remember what the consequences are of drinking... the memory of the taste in my mouth of this one specifc wine the next morning and the flu like symptoms is actually one thing that helped me keep sober for 11 months. But I need more coping skills than just that. I will be signing back on tonight
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Go at things again Sixtyfour but make some changes to your plan, for me when the plan wasn't working or I knew at day 5 I kept stumbling then that was the area to come up with a few ideas for in advance.
You can do this, but tweak your plan moving forward!!
You can do this, but tweak your plan moving forward!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Florida., USA
Posts: 3,252
Welcome back 64. We all understand what you're going through because we've been through it, or are going through it, also. There's no magic pill or easy way out except going through it day by day. There is lots of support and understanding here. Logging on to the forum and reading posts frequently will help strengthen your resolve to remain sober. Eventually the minute by minute hard time will turn into day by day and then week by week, etc. Hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 927
How did you manage 11 months! That was a great job!
I'm only 26 days and starting to think maybe I wasn't that bad but then I remember dragging myself to work, driving over the limit in the mornings, feeling controlled by the wine, the taste, the quantity, the reserve supply...
I'm feeling great but struggling with the thought that this is forever so I keep shutting that thought out and thinking "just not tonight", so far it's working...
Good luck, it's so hard : (((
I'm only 26 days and starting to think maybe I wasn't that bad but then I remember dragging myself to work, driving over the limit in the mornings, feeling controlled by the wine, the taste, the quantity, the reserve supply...
I'm feeling great but struggling with the thought that this is forever so I keep shutting that thought out and thinking "just not tonight", so far it's working...
Good luck, it's so hard : (((
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,837
I'm a serial relapser too, though I have yet to make it 30 days consecutively and I've been trying since last nov.....
I'm just focusing on october right now so I don't get overwhelmed.
Best wishes, you can do this, you just gotta get back in your groove xo
I'm just focusing on october right now so I don't get overwhelmed.
Best wishes, you can do this, you just gotta get back in your groove xo
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Having a plan & sticking to it will help tenfold
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ful-links.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ful-links.html
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Having a plan & sticking to it will help tenfold
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ful-links.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ful-links.html
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 76
Thank you to everyone for these wonderful messages of support! They put a smile on my face.
Purple Knight: You're absolutely right.
I've been going at it wrong because my (non) strategy has been to assume that the memory of the latest hangover itself will keep me from drinking again. It works for a few days but I'm essentially just burying my head in the sand and hoping that I'll magically not want to drink again and will be able to resist the urge. The consequences just keep getting worse and its just plain irresponsible of me to continue drinking. It's like I've been waiting for an epiphany before I fully commit myself and this is just wishful thinking.
When I quit for 11 months unfortunately I gained a lot of weight during that time (I substituted alcohol with fattening food). However I must say that it was the happiest time of my adult life. Lately I've overhauled my diet and am eating way healthier and have cut out junk food so that's good. I need to find alternative ways of coping by substituting this behavior with something healthy. Obviously much easier said than done.
foreverfuzzy: Congratulations on 26 days! That is a massive achievement. Those first few weeks are some of the hardest. Keep hanging in there! I feel like each time I relapse and then make it through that first month again without drinking it gets harder to do every time - just to string those days together. I know I'm in for a struggle here. I don't want to be back at Day 0 anymore. For now I'm going to do what you're doing and just think about getting through this day without drinking. Also on a practical level I need to avoid driving by the liquor store all the time, I'm going to try to find an alternative route even if it takes me longer to get to the grocery store. Right now I feel like that's my biggest "trigger".. literally seeing the liquor store and people my age coming out with booze. I won't be able to avoid seeing it forever obviously but I think it helps in early recovery...
Purple Knight: You're absolutely right.
I've been going at it wrong because my (non) strategy has been to assume that the memory of the latest hangover itself will keep me from drinking again. It works for a few days but I'm essentially just burying my head in the sand and hoping that I'll magically not want to drink again and will be able to resist the urge. The consequences just keep getting worse and its just plain irresponsible of me to continue drinking. It's like I've been waiting for an epiphany before I fully commit myself and this is just wishful thinking.
When I quit for 11 months unfortunately I gained a lot of weight during that time (I substituted alcohol with fattening food). However I must say that it was the happiest time of my adult life. Lately I've overhauled my diet and am eating way healthier and have cut out junk food so that's good. I need to find alternative ways of coping by substituting this behavior with something healthy. Obviously much easier said than done.
foreverfuzzy: Congratulations on 26 days! That is a massive achievement. Those first few weeks are some of the hardest. Keep hanging in there! I feel like each time I relapse and then make it through that first month again without drinking it gets harder to do every time - just to string those days together. I know I'm in for a struggle here. I don't want to be back at Day 0 anymore. For now I'm going to do what you're doing and just think about getting through this day without drinking. Also on a practical level I need to avoid driving by the liquor store all the time, I'm going to try to find an alternative route even if it takes me longer to get to the grocery store. Right now I feel like that's my biggest "trigger".. literally seeing the liquor store and people my age coming out with booze. I won't be able to avoid seeing it forever obviously but I think it helps in early recovery...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 2,393
I think this is exactly where I still am at the end of my Day 4.
Quoting Sixty "...my (non) strategy has been to assume that the memory of the latest hangover itself will keep me from drinking again. It works for a few days but I'm essentially just burying my head in the sand ..."
I must plan. As I feel better and my last humiliating drunk is further away, I won't have a strong defense ready if I don't build a plan now.
Even my fears have fears. I find myself putting it off, afraid to plan, because a plan feels like my last chance. That is crazy, right? That is addiction telling me lies.
Quoting Sixty "...my (non) strategy has been to assume that the memory of the latest hangover itself will keep me from drinking again. It works for a few days but I'm essentially just burying my head in the sand ..."
I must plan. As I feel better and my last humiliating drunk is further away, I won't have a strong defense ready if I don't build a plan now.
Even my fears have fears. I find myself putting it off, afraid to plan, because a plan feels like my last chance. That is crazy, right? That is addiction telling me lies.
now's the time
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
My story's like yours... eight months sober 3 years ago using SR and yoga, and then 2 years like you describe ("relapses" after short bursts of sobriety). I'm back at 82 days. Personally I ended up in rehab, but I was a hot mess. But the good thing is after a couple of weeks I could start to remember who I was during those 8 months... after 6 weeks I felt like that person again many days... now I feel more like her than like the woman I was during the last two years. Still up and down and rocky and all that. But back on solid ground. You can do it!! Also, I do go to AA now... like Mariah, there're things about it I don't like, but it really does help.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 927
I'm quite a practical, organised person.
I got a ring binder, put in Jan - Dec dividers and then I'm putting stuff in every month as time goes on. Before my detox in Sept it was lists of reasons to stop drinking, printouts of dangers of drinking, details of self help groups, literally gathering information.
Now it is a planner with green dots to show alcohol free days, inspiring quotes, artwork, collages, anything really.
It might help because it's actually something physical to pick up and look at, not just online or in your head, and even if you relapse you can look back on your good stuff from before...?
Just an idea x
I got a ring binder, put in Jan - Dec dividers and then I'm putting stuff in every month as time goes on. Before my detox in Sept it was lists of reasons to stop drinking, printouts of dangers of drinking, details of self help groups, literally gathering information.
Now it is a planner with green dots to show alcohol free days, inspiring quotes, artwork, collages, anything really.
It might help because it's actually something physical to pick up and look at, not just online or in your head, and even if you relapse you can look back on your good stuff from before...?
Just an idea x
Rehydrating to Oblivion.
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 1,332
Hi sixtyfour.
As others have said, I'd urge you to come up with a solid plan, and stick to it. I'd also recommend journalling. It's been one of the most useful things I've done to stay sober. Also, post here every day (if possible). If you are having thoughts about drinking post here, don't wage the war in your own head alone.
B
As others have said, I'd urge you to come up with a solid plan, and stick to it. I'd also recommend journalling. It's been one of the most useful things I've done to stay sober. Also, post here every day (if possible). If you are having thoughts about drinking post here, don't wage the war in your own head alone.
B
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