How To Manage Stress
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
How To Manage Stress
A friend recently shared this with me and it really resonated with me. I thought it might be well received here too. Enjoy! 
A good friend sent this to me about STRESS:
A young lady confidently walked around the room while leading and explaining stress management to an audience; with a raised glass of water, and everyone knew she was going to ask the ultimate question, 'half empty or half full?'..... She fooled them all... "How heavy is this glass of water?", she inquired with a smile.
Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.
She replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance. In each case it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes." She continued, "and that's the way it is with stress. If we carry our Burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on."
"As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden - holding stress longer and better each time practiced. So, as early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down. Don't carry them through the evening and into the night...
Pick them up tomorrow.
Whatever burdens you're carrying now, let them down for a moment. Relax, pick them up later after you've rested. Life is short. Enjoy it and the now 'supposed' stress that you've conquered!"
A young lady confidently walked around the room while leading and explaining stress management to an audience; with a raised glass of water, and everyone knew she was going to ask the ultimate question, 'half empty or half full?'..... She fooled them all... "How heavy is this glass of water?", she inquired with a smile.
Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.
She replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance. In each case it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes." She continued, "and that's the way it is with stress. If we carry our Burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on."
"As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden - holding stress longer and better each time practiced. So, as early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down. Don't carry them through the evening and into the night...
Pick them up tomorrow.
Whatever burdens you're carrying now, let them down for a moment. Relax, pick them up later after you've rested. Life is short. Enjoy it and the now 'supposed' stress that you've conquered!"
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
I'm doing well. I met with a highly recommended attorney that wasn't acquainted with me or my husband and she basically advised me that it would be in my children's best interest to not divorce until my children are a little older, especially given the care that my daughter's food allergies require. Why? Because I'm in control of everything for them right now and more or less getting everything I want. Which is what my other attorney friends had advised me of many times too.
So here I sit. However, this experience has really changed my perspective for some reason. During the two weeks before I met with my attorney but was mentally set on divorce I was using "I don't care, I'm divorcing him" as an emotional balm of sorts. A worry would creep into my mind about what he was doing "who cares, I'm divorcing him" and the worry was instantaneously gone. I would be pissed off about something he did or remember some resentment and "doesn't matter anymore, I'm divorcing him" would again just wash the thought away.
Now when I hear a lie from him or he takes something out on me I think "huh, he's lying/exaggerating/frustrated/rushing/anxious again" and walk away. I don't bother giving him advice on anything anymore. Occasionally he asks me what I think he should do and I just turn it back on him "I don't know, what do you think you should do?" and I'm frequently surprised that he has solutions that are just as good as mine. I no longer ask him about meetings or anything related to his sobriety. He shares stuff with me on his own but I don't really care about his program or the details of it.
This new "relationship" that we have is better and yet it's entirely different. It's not very comfortable and it's not very affectionate (although there is more sex, ironically - because why deprive myself of something enjoyable?) but there is no arguing and a lot less hurt feelings on my part. It's all much more tolerable (dare I say enjoyable) now that I don't care.
I also met up with my mom a few weeks ago. It was cordial and centered around my kids. She's in therapy and taking Xanax. I also get the feeling that she's working some kind of 12 step related program but I haven't asked because it's not really any of my business.
Outside of that I'm planning a lifetime trip for myself to take in a few months. No husband and no kids for 9 days. I'm racing in a half marathon in two weeks, a few other shorter races coming up and a full marathon in December. Doing lots of yoga and strength training. My oldest is in a co-op preschool now too and we all love it. It's been a great experience for our whole family because the co-op environment really does involve our whole family. It's been a really great thing for our entire family regarding intergrating us into a healthy new environment, new theories and suggestions on parenting and it's really fun seeing my oldest interact with her classmates, teacher and other parents. I also love that I know the parents of the kids that my daughter plays and learns with everyday.
So I'm good. I no longer feel like I'm waiting for anything, either the other shoe to drop or for a divorce. This is just the space that my life is in right now and that's fine. I can't control life, I can control the way that I respond to it. So I've decided to do things that I love and love the ones that I have (aside from my in-laws).
ETA: Sorry for the novel! It didn't feel that long when I was typing it! Holy crap!
So here I sit. However, this experience has really changed my perspective for some reason. During the two weeks before I met with my attorney but was mentally set on divorce I was using "I don't care, I'm divorcing him" as an emotional balm of sorts. A worry would creep into my mind about what he was doing "who cares, I'm divorcing him" and the worry was instantaneously gone. I would be pissed off about something he did or remember some resentment and "doesn't matter anymore, I'm divorcing him" would again just wash the thought away.
Now when I hear a lie from him or he takes something out on me I think "huh, he's lying/exaggerating/frustrated/rushing/anxious again" and walk away. I don't bother giving him advice on anything anymore. Occasionally he asks me what I think he should do and I just turn it back on him "I don't know, what do you think you should do?" and I'm frequently surprised that he has solutions that are just as good as mine. I no longer ask him about meetings or anything related to his sobriety. He shares stuff with me on his own but I don't really care about his program or the details of it.
This new "relationship" that we have is better and yet it's entirely different. It's not very comfortable and it's not very affectionate (although there is more sex, ironically - because why deprive myself of something enjoyable?) but there is no arguing and a lot less hurt feelings on my part. It's all much more tolerable (dare I say enjoyable) now that I don't care.
I also met up with my mom a few weeks ago. It was cordial and centered around my kids. She's in therapy and taking Xanax. I also get the feeling that she's working some kind of 12 step related program but I haven't asked because it's not really any of my business.
Outside of that I'm planning a lifetime trip for myself to take in a few months. No husband and no kids for 9 days. I'm racing in a half marathon in two weeks, a few other shorter races coming up and a full marathon in December. Doing lots of yoga and strength training. My oldest is in a co-op preschool now too and we all love it. It's been a great experience for our whole family because the co-op environment really does involve our whole family. It's been a really great thing for our entire family regarding intergrating us into a healthy new environment, new theories and suggestions on parenting and it's really fun seeing my oldest interact with her classmates, teacher and other parents. I also love that I know the parents of the kids that my daughter plays and learns with everyday.
So I'm good. I no longer feel like I'm waiting for anything, either the other shoe to drop or for a divorce. This is just the space that my life is in right now and that's fine. I can't control life, I can control the way that I respond to it. So I've decided to do things that I love and love the ones that I have (aside from my in-laws).
ETA: Sorry for the novel! It didn't feel that long when I was typing it! Holy crap!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
I don't live with him. He doesn't try to control money. He attends AA daily, he goes to therapy weekly. On paper he's pretty golden and that's what a judge cares about. It's very likely that he'll get a decent sized amount of custody, and even if he didn't get a sizable amount of custody up front all of the provisions of custody that I could have put in place, such as supervised visitation are temporary. The courts want children to be with their parents, whether they're drunks or not.
With that taken into consideration, let's say he has them for a weekend and gets very drunk when he has them. What's to stop my daughter with food allergies from eating something that could kill her (dairy, eggs and soy all put her into anaphylactic shock and at least one of those ingredients are in nearly every processed food)? Who would inject her with an epipen if she needed it and the only adult around was either drunk or passed out. Additionally, my children aren't passed around from one home to another right now.
I want out of this relationship but me getting out of the relationship doesn't actually put my children in a better environment - only me. It would actually make it worse for them. It would be less predictable and less routine. Something that is very important for my older daughter.
When at least one of my daughters is old enough to inject my youngest with an epipen (to know when and how to use it) I'll revisit this again. For now, it's just not the best decision for them. Without the food allergies, yes, it's probably very rarely given advice. I was told that I COULD absolutely divorce him now but it was not advised considering that I'm already getting pretty much everything that I want anyway.
With that taken into consideration, let's say he has them for a weekend and gets very drunk when he has them. What's to stop my daughter with food allergies from eating something that could kill her (dairy, eggs and soy all put her into anaphylactic shock and at least one of those ingredients are in nearly every processed food)? Who would inject her with an epipen if she needed it and the only adult around was either drunk or passed out. Additionally, my children aren't passed around from one home to another right now.
I want out of this relationship but me getting out of the relationship doesn't actually put my children in a better environment - only me. It would actually make it worse for them. It would be less predictable and less routine. Something that is very important for my older daughter.
When at least one of my daughters is old enough to inject my youngest with an epipen (to know when and how to use it) I'll revisit this again. For now, it's just not the best decision for them. Without the food allergies, yes, it's probably very rarely given advice. I was told that I COULD absolutely divorce him now but it was not advised considering that I'm already getting pretty much everything that I want anyway.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Just another great example of how our situations are never one-size-fits-all no matter how many similarities we can draw. In the end, you have to do what makes the most sense for you as an individual. I absolutely understand how DD's allergies put a kink in what would seem normal in this scenario, we're not just talking about a minor sensitivity here - it's actual life & death in terms of decision making where she is concerned.
I think the important thing here Stung, is that you've compiled info from multiple sources & made an educated decision. The next most important thing is remembering to stay flexible for future changes knowing that his attitude & behaviors could flip practically overnight without warning. He may NOT stay happy with this family dynamic forever or he may have a stupendous relapse, impacting family income, etc.
Who knows? Hasn't happened. Can't predict it - but you can be prepared.
A lifetime trip sounds like an amazing idea, as does your DD's school! GREAT update!
I think the important thing here Stung, is that you've compiled info from multiple sources & made an educated decision. The next most important thing is remembering to stay flexible for future changes knowing that his attitude & behaviors could flip practically overnight without warning. He may NOT stay happy with this family dynamic forever or he may have a stupendous relapse, impacting family income, etc.
Who knows? Hasn't happened. Can't predict it - but you can be prepared.A lifetime trip sounds like an amazing idea, as does your DD's school! GREAT update!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
