I ruined it for him
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
I ruined it for him
So he keeps apologizing for the porn. I said I really didn't wish to discuss it anymore, but that I would leave the issue with one last thought.
I said "just remember that there is a high percentage of women shown on internet porn that are victims of human trafficking and they are being forced to do the web cams. Also you should know that very few women are enjoying what is being done to them. They don't like it, it doesn't turn them on, and if they say they do on camera or whatever, they are lying"
(cricket cricket)
Him: Good night free
I doubt he even cares about human trafficking or whether the girl is enjoying herself, but what he DID discover is that I wasn't upset about it so much because of my own jealousy but rather that he was "dirty" one. He was the exploiter, not the women.
I'm not trying to debate internet porn with anyone here, but the stats on the human trafficking are real, and the rest is just my opinion.
Idk if I did the right thing, but I felt compelled to say that.
He says porn gives him a bad image of women, well I say it gives HIM a bad image...
Ugh, I know I'm leaving and should have just smiled and nodded but I couldn't help it.
Sorry for typos
I said "just remember that there is a high percentage of women shown on internet porn that are victims of human trafficking and they are being forced to do the web cams. Also you should know that very few women are enjoying what is being done to them. They don't like it, it doesn't turn them on, and if they say they do on camera or whatever, they are lying"
(cricket cricket)
Him: Good night free
I doubt he even cares about human trafficking or whether the girl is enjoying herself, but what he DID discover is that I wasn't upset about it so much because of my own jealousy but rather that he was "dirty" one. He was the exploiter, not the women.
I'm not trying to debate internet porn with anyone here, but the stats on the human trafficking are real, and the rest is just my opinion.
Idk if I did the right thing, but I felt compelled to say that.
He says porn gives him a bad image of women, well I say it gives HIM a bad image...
Ugh, I know I'm leaving and should have just smiled and nodded but I couldn't help it.
Sorry for typos
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
Oh, free, when I was leaving, there were many many times when I had to pinch myself real hard, or bite my lips and tongue. I never knew which topic was a landmine. And considering your husband's porn, lets call it, porn addiction, you are walking in the minefield.
And I agree with you, free, 100%. But please try not to discuss things with him, or oppose his opinion. Just keep your thoughts to yourself, you never know where is the trap.
And I agree with you, free, 100%. But please try not to discuss things with him, or oppose his opinion. Just keep your thoughts to yourself, you never know where is the trap.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
Yeah, I know.....
Maybe that's just how fed up I am, on the other hand.
Maybe I should consider just biting the bullet, putting off the surgery, and making a break sooner rather than later.
I feel braver the more I realize who and what he is......
Maybe that's just how fed up I am, on the other hand.
Maybe I should consider just biting the bullet, putting off the surgery, and making a break sooner rather than later.
I feel braver the more I realize who and what he is......
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
Maybe making your move before the surgery is a good idea? I worry that the tide could turn and he could go back to physical violence rather suddenly. In any case, the verbal cruelty is a terrible thing to live with.
You mentioned you are on xanax in another thread, and I just wanted to share some words of experience. I was on klonopin for a time for anxiety (same family of meds). I always took it as prescribed, but it was VERY hard to get off of. It was also disinhibiting (as in it made me less socially inhibited) while I was new to it and getting the dosage right. So be careful, it's possible that enough xanax could make you less able to hold back on engaging in fights with him.
You mentioned you are on xanax in another thread, and I just wanted to share some words of experience. I was on klonopin for a time for anxiety (same family of meds). I always took it as prescribed, but it was VERY hard to get off of. It was also disinhibiting (as in it made me less socially inhibited) while I was new to it and getting the dosage right. So be careful, it's possible that enough xanax could make you less able to hold back on engaging in fights with him.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
Yeah I don't take the xanax unless it's absolutely necessary. I'm no stranger to substance abuse or withdrawal.
It's frustrating... The whole damn thing is.
Perhaps I'm pushing him in order to come up with an excuse to end it sooner as opposed to having him think he's sucked me back in and then me having to actually sit down like an adult and tell him I would like a divorce.
I'm so used to the chaos that it seems like a great way to make the break. An argument, he flies off the handle, I call the police, get my restraining order, and call it done.
Maybe I'm subconsciously seeking the argument so that I can put that scenario into play (?)
It's frustrating... The whole damn thing is.
Perhaps I'm pushing him in order to come up with an excuse to end it sooner as opposed to having him think he's sucked me back in and then me having to actually sit down like an adult and tell him I would like a divorce.
I'm so used to the chaos that it seems like a great way to make the break. An argument, he flies off the handle, I call the police, get my restraining order, and call it done.
Maybe I'm subconsciously seeking the argument so that I can put that scenario into play (?)
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
I think you have good reason to fear telling him you are done! I'm not an expert on domestic violence, but I have always heard that when someone leaves an abuser, that's a time of high danger. It sounds like you realize that provoking a fight isn't a safe way to do this. Others will be along with more experience, but I do imagine that you would want to work with a domestic violence counselor to develop a safe plan for leaving. I think I remember that you worked with a dv advocate who helped you during your last surgery? Contacting that person might be a place to start.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 774
FTS, at your last comment....
We ARE masters of playing these games... figuring out how to get back into the victim role. I'll share that I did something similar in order to "justify" my break up with an ex (addict and emotional/ mental abuser). I "cheated" on him towards the end in order to help propel myself out of the relationship because I thought that it was the one thing I could do to push him far enough away that he wouldn't try to suck me back in.... since it was sooo hard to get away from him.
Turns out he wanted more drama and drug the whole break up out as long as he could. I didn't technically cheat on him until after I told him it was over.... but I couldn't stand my ground with the break up for about 3 months after I said those words, and it just got messier and messier...
Looking back, the choices I thought I was making to help propel me out of the relationship ended up hurting ME more than anything else....
Tread lightly my friend. Personal inventory is always a good idea... for no one else but yourself...
We ARE masters of playing these games... figuring out how to get back into the victim role. I'll share that I did something similar in order to "justify" my break up with an ex (addict and emotional/ mental abuser). I "cheated" on him towards the end in order to help propel myself out of the relationship because I thought that it was the one thing I could do to push him far enough away that he wouldn't try to suck me back in.... since it was sooo hard to get away from him.
Turns out he wanted more drama and drug the whole break up out as long as he could. I didn't technically cheat on him until after I told him it was over.... but I couldn't stand my ground with the break up for about 3 months after I said those words, and it just got messier and messier...
Looking back, the choices I thought I was making to help propel me out of the relationship ended up hurting ME more than anything else....
Tread lightly my friend. Personal inventory is always a good idea... for no one else but yourself...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 774
Originally Posted by freetosmile 
Tread lightly indeed and I'm always doing my inventory.... It's tough but that's why I posed the last question... Am I doing this on purpose? I think I am.
When I did that, I was aware of what I was doing, but not fully aware of my reasons. A total mystery to myself!
At least you're aware of yourself. I think that's probably a good place to be in!
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
Originally Posted by LemonGirl
Then you probably are...
When I did that, I was aware of what I was doing, but not fully aware of my reasons. A total mystery to myself!
At least you're aware of yourself. I think that's probably a good place to be in!
When I did that, I was aware of what I was doing, but not fully aware of my reasons. A total mystery to myself!
At least you're aware of yourself. I think that's probably a good place to be in!
I thank you all for the responses, I think what I'll take away from this thread is that I must not rock the boat. Free must learn to shut the hell up. I'm not negatively self talking, I'm merely being honest. I play victim mode well, but I am NOT a victim. I'm a survivor and if I want to get out, I better just zip it!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
free.....I concur on keeping a low profile.....and, keeping it zipped...lol!
Regardless of how you proceed. With your particular condition....a physical blow would not be a good thing!
for all the reasons yo u mentioned....I suspect you would like to precipitate him to make a move that would "justify" your faster ending of the situation. I am sure that you are on pins and needles---wanting it to be "over". And, I know you are scared to just face him with the "news" that you want a split.
You are, without a doubt, in an extremely tricky situation. Nothing is guaranteed. The one thing that you do not need is a physical fight, though. Not to speak of the trauma that it would be for the kids, also.
I think that if I were in your shoes....I would want to work with a domestic violence counselor in my planning. this would best assure rapid assistance if something should go awry at ANY point. And, lets face it....it could happen at any point---no matter how well you plan! I can't see that getting into any argument with him will help---no matter how "right" and frustrated you are.
Don't hesitate to reach for help....don't be the lone ranger! If you don't think you can hold out until the surgery and the post-op period are over....maybe you should talk to your doctor (in complete honesty) and the domestic violence counselor. That is what they are there for--to help you to the best of their ability.
think about it carefully...nothing is written in stone.
The goal is to get separated and safe without injury to life and limb......
dandylion
Regardless of how you proceed. With your particular condition....a physical blow would not be a good thing!
for all the reasons yo u mentioned....I suspect you would like to precipitate him to make a move that would "justify" your faster ending of the situation. I am sure that you are on pins and needles---wanting it to be "over". And, I know you are scared to just face him with the "news" that you want a split.
You are, without a doubt, in an extremely tricky situation. Nothing is guaranteed. The one thing that you do not need is a physical fight, though. Not to speak of the trauma that it would be for the kids, also.
I think that if I were in your shoes....I would want to work with a domestic violence counselor in my planning. this would best assure rapid assistance if something should go awry at ANY point. And, lets face it....it could happen at any point---no matter how well you plan! I can't see that getting into any argument with him will help---no matter how "right" and frustrated you are.
Don't hesitate to reach for help....don't be the lone ranger! If you don't think you can hold out until the surgery and the post-op period are over....maybe you should talk to your doctor (in complete honesty) and the domestic violence counselor. That is what they are there for--to help you to the best of their ability.
think about it carefully...nothing is written in stone.
The goal is to get separated and safe without injury to life and limb......
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Very, very good advice, Dandylion.
Free, getting into the future safe and healthy is the biggest short term goal.
What would it take for you to postpone the surgery just enough to get into a safe place to live and recouperate?
Abusers who are addicts/alcoholics and losing their safe berth with their spouse don't have a lot more to lose, no matter what they do.
We want you to be safe, especially in your current fragile physical state, so maybe jump right to the bottom line and don't spend a lot of time on why you are doing whatever you are doing: the question is "What do I need to do to be safe?"
ShootingStar1
Free, getting into the future safe and healthy is the biggest short term goal.
What would it take for you to postpone the surgery just enough to get into a safe place to live and recouperate?
Abusers who are addicts/alcoholics and losing their safe berth with their spouse don't have a lot more to lose, no matter what they do.
We want you to be safe, especially in your current fragile physical state, so maybe jump right to the bottom line and don't spend a lot of time on why you are doing whatever you are doing: the question is "What do I need to do to be safe?"
ShootingStar1
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
The dv sucks here. Seriously, I've talked to them numerous times. We just lost the funding for our shelter, so we don't even have that.
You guys know me. I have been thing through this crap for years now....dv had nothing to tell me that I don't already know. I told my doc about the abuse..... His solution was the xanax.
I have the safety plan. Maybe I'm more hurt than I know. Maybe this or maybe that.
People keep saying to reach out..... Reach out to who exactly? Last time I called the dv, I ended up just ending it, because she couldn't help me get together a plan. Kept saying to have my emergency bag ready if he gets violent. Yeah, I get that part. Nothing beyond that.
I'm probably in the wrong forum. Love you all so much... But this is a forum for alcoholism and its effects on family.
yep, I think I'm gonna have to go this one alone. Abuse is so predictably unpredictable and yes dandy, your right. There are no way for me to know for sure.
I'm pissed as hell at him. I'm tired. I'm just..... Tired of being told to shut up and telling myself to shut up. I realize the logic behind keeping quiet, but it doesn't make it fair.
I'll get through this crap.... Somehow I always do.
Love you guys!
You guys know me. I have been thing through this crap for years now....dv had nothing to tell me that I don't already know. I told my doc about the abuse..... His solution was the xanax.
I have the safety plan. Maybe I'm more hurt than I know. Maybe this or maybe that.
People keep saying to reach out..... Reach out to who exactly? Last time I called the dv, I ended up just ending it, because she couldn't help me get together a plan. Kept saying to have my emergency bag ready if he gets violent. Yeah, I get that part. Nothing beyond that.
I'm probably in the wrong forum. Love you all so much... But this is a forum for alcoholism and its effects on family.
yep, I think I'm gonna have to go this one alone. Abuse is so predictably unpredictable and yes dandy, your right. There are no way for me to know for sure.
I'm pissed as hell at him. I'm tired. I'm just..... Tired of being told to shut up and telling myself to shut up. I realize the logic behind keeping quiet, but it doesn't make it fair.
I'll get through this crap.... Somehow I always do.
Love you guys!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
[QUOTE=freetosmile;5582783]
Perhaps I'm pushing him in order to come up with an excuse to end it sooner as opposed to having him think he's sucked me back in and then me having to actually sit down like an adult and tell him I would like a divorceQUOTE]
Omg are you serious!? What exactly needs to happen next for you see how serious this is?? I am floored. Sorry.
Perhaps I'm pushing him in order to come up with an excuse to end it sooner as opposed to having him think he's sucked me back in and then me having to actually sit down like an adult and tell him I would like a divorceQUOTE]
Omg are you serious!? What exactly needs to happen next for you see how serious this is?? I am floored. Sorry.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
Refiner,
It's always serious. I'm taking nothing away from that.
I would absolutely love for someone to just hand me a solution.
Guess I'm just screwing up all over the place.
I love all of you, but please don't tell me I don't know how serious it is. I'm VERY aware.
I'm frustrated. I'm also allowed to f up..... But if I don't get out soon, it could be my last f up.
I KNOW this. I'm trying. I'm trying very hard.
It's always serious. I'm taking nothing away from that.
I would absolutely love for someone to just hand me a solution.
Guess I'm just screwing up all over the place.
I love all of you, but please don't tell me I don't know how serious it is. I'm VERY aware.
I'm frustrated. I'm also allowed to f up..... But if I don't get out soon, it could be my last f up.
I KNOW this. I'm trying. I'm trying very hard.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 774
FTS, I sooooo wish I could remember he name of it... but I am terrible at things like that... but there is a lovely forum for women who are abused... and it is very similar to SR. I heard mention of it on here one day, in fact, and I did go to their site and check it out. Maybe it will come up in a Google search...? Are u comfortable with doing that? Or is your online activity tracked by him?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
freetomile.....I wish that I had a better idea of just what resources are in your community....or within driving distance to you. I do know that it makes a lot of difference...the physical location that a person resides in.
I had assumed that you resided close to some kind of medical center and college---because of your nursing program.
I do know that you live across the street from the sheriff....if I remember, correctly......
Free.....what do you really want to do? do you know? I don't mean that sarcastically, either...... Do you k now how you want this to be played out....
Have you talked to anyone about how you can get a restraining order, if you decide that you want one?
Maybe, the first thing would be to identify the persons that you could call on for advice/help. You know better about t his than we would, of course......
talk to us......
dandylion
I had assumed that you resided close to some kind of medical center and college---because of your nursing program.
I do know that you live across the street from the sheriff....if I remember, correctly......
Free.....what do you really want to do? do you know? I don't mean that sarcastically, either...... Do you k now how you want this to be played out....
Have you talked to anyone about how you can get a restraining order, if you decide that you want one?
Maybe, the first thing would be to identify the persons that you could call on for advice/help. You know better about t his than we would, of course......
talk to us......
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
Hi FTS,
Sorry you're still dealing with your abusive husband. If I recall correctly, your grandparents own your home, right? So I think you can absolutely kick him out. If not, then I think it would be advisable to start looking for housing elsewhere. Can/will your grandparents help you financially or otherwise?
I feel that through reading your post you're still somewhat in the midst of the drama and living and breathing it. Until you're entirely ready to separate yourself mentally and emotionally from this man, you will not be able to get out from underneath this abusive man.
This quote of yours stuck out to me too
Who cares why he's doing what he's doing? You're leaving him. Before you divorce someone legally it's a hell of a LOT easier to first divorce them emotionally and mentally.
Sorry you're still dealing with your abusive husband. If I recall correctly, your grandparents own your home, right? So I think you can absolutely kick him out. If not, then I think it would be advisable to start looking for housing elsewhere. Can/will your grandparents help you financially or otherwise?
I feel that through reading your post you're still somewhat in the midst of the drama and living and breathing it. Until you're entirely ready to separate yourself mentally and emotionally from this man, you will not be able to get out from underneath this abusive man.
This quote of yours stuck out to me too
Perhaps I'm pushing him in order to come up with an excuse to end it sooner as opposed to having him think he's sucked me back in and then me having to actually sit down like an adult and tell him I would like a divorce
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
FTS how are you doing today? Say, you haven't mentioned your Grandmother for awhile. I can't remember but is it she who owns the property you live on and that's why you will ask him to be the one that leaves? So it's not you who has to be the one to pick up and leave?
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
