vinylfever

Alcohol is a demon that I have been wrestling with for so many years now. Alcoholism is such a progressive disease that just gets worse with every drinking session. Each attempt to get sober only makes me feel that I am not an alcoholic. "Hey, I made it a week! I'm not an alcoholic!" I got this ... I'll just have a few. Then, I pick up where I left off, drinking copious amounts and rarely taking a night off. I have realized that I am indeed an alcoholic, no matter how long I stay sober. Whether it is a week, month, or a year. There is no magic pill or "off switch" to this addiction. I cannot just make this go away. I cannot just be sober as the day I was born. This is here to stay, permanent and immutable.

I live with my father, and it is a great living arrangement sharing expenses. He was (is) an alcoholic sober for 10 years. In March, I totaled my car and was arrested for drunk driving. I had to call my dad to pick me up from jail. It was a humiliating and arduous time and, even though my skilled attorney got my charge reduced to "wet reckless", it will still take me years to recover from the financial burden. Yet, here I am at the bottom of another pissy pint of beer, still drinking. I swear, I need an intervention. I need someone to crush this beer can in my face, toss it away, and be belligerent with me. I need someone to burst into this room, pour out this alcohol, and look at me square in my face and say: "That was your last drink, you need help." In the container is a poison that warps all sense of logic. It makes you believe that your little universe is in perfect harmony when in reality, it is colliding and spinning in a downward spiral. My addiction is gradually destroying me, eating away at my soul. Alcohol is not filling a void, it has created one. And with each drink, the void dilates and slowly consumes me. Eventually, I will be the old man (if I live that long), riding a moped to the convenience store purchasing his morning case of beer with social security funds. Strangers will look down on me in pity, knowing that I am just an old drunk who lost everything - his car, drivers license, retirement, home, family, self-esteem and dignity. Once you lose everything, what is left but a fix? Alcohol is a legal, easily obtainable high.

I have struggled with this for so f****** long. I am so scared and feel completely helpless. But I know I am not alone. There are people out there who are walking past the beer isles, driving past the liquor stores or a bar they once frequented. I want to be that person who can just say "F*** you alcohol, I don't need you anymore."

But not today, because I am inebriated... Again.

However, I do want help. That is why I am reaching out here. I need a sober network. Honestly folks, I have been lurking around this forum for years, and found the courage to actually come forward with this problem in a few brief posts. I am at my wits end and cannot go on like this. What we all need is accountability. So with that said, I am going to attend my first AA meeting TODAY and take the first step to sobriety. Eventually, I will come forward and explain this to my family and friends. Most of them are not cognizant to my addiction.

Yes, I am an alcoholic. I cannot control my drinking. I gaze upon my weary countenance in the mirror and I see a defeated man. My face is swollen and eyes puffy and dark. I can hardly bear to look at myself in the mirror this morning.

Dee74

Good to see you again vinylfever

The bottom line is if we want changes we have to make changes, not matter how scary.

Posting and reading here could be a great start to working out what those changes might be and how to implement them.

It's never to late to start Chapter Two vinylfever - go for it, man

D

ast1

Let's us know how AA went. We're here for you!

Sometimes the hardest part is facing ourselves. The best person to tell you to stop and get help is you.

Soberwolf

Nice to meet you

Tooshabby

Think of that sense of defeat you speak of as some kind of victory. You've finally 'got it'; the fight is over. You just can't drink anymore, like so many of us. We have to give up the fantasy we can drink in moderation. Years and years full of evidence to the contrary. You are obviously a bright person, and still relatively young at 42/43. Don't waste any more years. You can do it. Stick close to SR. You will get lots of support here :-)

IOAA2

Hi.

Intelligence and knowledge can help towards recovery however other factors need to be involved. Deep self honesty about our drinking and acceptance that we cannot drink in safety can lead us to WANT to remain sober.

Some will never “GET IT” results in a very poor recovery rate overall. Many won’t accept the work and change required, some have a very short memory and many just want to escape by drinking and leading a very miserable short life.

The thing is no one can get someone else sober, we must do it for ourself.

BE WELL

dru1085

Hey Vin.

Props for sharing your story. It's def not easy to expose your problems to the public, I think you made the first step by reaching out to a great community. The fact that it seems you really want to stop , you are one step closer to saying **** you alcohol. I drank for 10 years , really heavily after my mother passed to cancer , I wanted to say **** it and just meet her in heaven early. If she was still here , she would be scolding me . So I am trying to get my life back together without alcohol.. Im 13 days in and its been hellish but I log on here to keep on track . I also look up at the stars and find the brightest one, knowing its my mom looking down on me, guiding me telling me to cherish what life you have while your here.

Would be such a shame to kill yourself slowly while ur alive with poison. Keep your head up.

Dru-

PurpleKnight

Welcome back Vinylfever!! You can do this!!

Memra

I'm here for support too. Have had no luck doing it alone. Hope we can do this together.

SoberLeigh

Welcome back, vinylfever; congratulations on your desire to seek sobriety.

Hope that the AA meeting goes well.

don't forget that we are here for you 24/7.

Carver

You can do it

Verdantia

Hi Vinyl,
I understand; I have no off switch either. Once I start drinking there are always very negative consequences. I currently have a little over 4 months of sobriety and am happy. I am taking naltrexone and it's helped me a lot, but it is not a magic pill- you have to have a plan along with its help. SR has been a great resource, too. I wish you the best.

SoberLife90

It is a hopeless disease. I had to surrender. I accept that i will always be an alcoholic. Goodluck

Gonnachange

You've come to a great place for advice and support. I wish you well.

thomas11

Hi vinylfever, you have a few things in your favor right off the bat. A strong desire to quit, some obvious intelligence and you've joined a community that will do nothing but support you and try and help you in every way. You can stop the madness, millions have, and you can too. There is great news....you have many many people that have been through what you are going through and can guide you to sobriety. The key (in my opinion) is to listen to them and put forth the effort that is required to make changes. Is it easy? No. Can it be done? Absolutely, and you will be a better person for it. Go for it, what do you have to lose by being sober? Its worth a try. I support you unconditionally.

vinylfever

Thank you so much for all of your responses! I wish I had time right now to address you individually. I did indeed go to a meeting and I actually enjoyed it. Going to AA coupled with this sober social network is already doing a world of good. I was sober yesterday, and I am determined to be sober today. The philosophy of "One day at a time" may seem redundant, but so true. Also, I have learned to see the similarities in people's alcohol stories , not the differences. One man had lost his family to divorce, lost his house and job. He was living out of an old Chevy truck that was barely road worthy. It was easy for me to think "Well, I don't drink as much as he did, and I have a comfortable home and decent job. No way I am an alcoholic." This is a mistake I have continued to make. Instead of thinking I am different, I see that he and I are very similar. We are both alcoholics, and as I fought back tears listening to his story, I realized that this disease progresses at different levels. He put his hand in my shoulder and said "You're lucky, you have a chance and you can bounce back." Right now I am sitting in the comfort of my living room in my own home. I know if I continue to drink, I will be sitting in a cramped jail cell. I have already had my brush with the law and so many close calls on the road that could have ruined (or taken) someone's life. Again, thank you so much for the encouragement and for listening. This has given me the accountability that I need. Today, I am sober. Tomorrow morning I have another meeting!

BBQBOY

Hi Vinyl,
Have you thought about getting some therapy. I am attending an IOP (intensive out-patient) treatment center. I go for 3 hrs a night , 3 nights a week. I also attend some AA meetings. This therapy has helped me out a lot...I meet with the same group and we all talk with each other and help out one another. There are counselors there to help you out further. I actually look forward to meeting with my group. I figure this will give me a much stronger foundation as I go further into recovery. My insurance is picking up most of the tab...Alcoholism is a disease...and I am treating it a such! Best Wishes

Soberwolf

Great job Vinyl

wpainterw

vinylfever: Glad to have your post Don't lurk. Keep posting. We are behind you, I am behind you every step of the way. What stands out is your describing very well how in the "grip"of alcohol you are. As if you are completely helpless, unable to escape its grasp. This is not so. You are able to do this. You can do this. Not alone, but with help, from other recovering alcoholics, including those on this website, with doctors, counselors, all hopefully fully trained and experienced in addiction. It is a hard road to recovery. Will required hard work from you, guts, stamina, doing if for yourself, not just for others.Give AA a good try. Some aspects of it may make you feel uncomfortable at first but give it a good fair try. I tend to be an eclectic. Although dependent, even addicted now to my dog, I am not otherwise dogmatic. AA benefitted me, particularly an Agnostics group although I am neither agnostic, atheist or comfortable with organized religion. Although many followers of Rational Recovery, a fine alternate program, say it is incompatible with AA, I, being an eclectic find aspects which are helpful. I also am an admirer of the wisdom in the 2500 year old Tao Te Ching. When you attain some sobriety you will not have "given up" anything, except a poison. You will be given, you will regain something infinitely precious. Your true self, your very soul, happiness. Call on us, call on me, for support any time. Keep posting and every good wish.

W.

Tooshabby

Yes. That 'I'm okay by comparison' thing. It' s like a person who weighs 20 stone looking at someone who weighs 30 stone and thinking "Hey, I'm cool. I don't have a problem." That's what people on this site term the 'AV' (addictive voice); the voice that is persuasive and comes up with any reason why it's okay to keep drinking the way one does. Great you are getting a lot out of the meetings and welcome to SR :-)