It's Been A Difficult Day

Old 09-30-2015, 03:01 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 299
It's Been A Difficult Day

Hi, this is a continuation of last night and this morning. My ah has sat in his chair all day, I'm sure hung over. Told him we need to talk about what we're going to do. I don't think my ah is taking me seriously. I told him, I can't live this way anymore. If he continues to drink he needs to leave. He never responded. Also told him, I'm not leaving, and if he drinks I'll call the police. Still no real response. Just my ah saying this is exactly what ive wanted all along. I still feel very much in limbo. He won't have a conversation with me, knows how I feel, but again isn't moving or giving me any input, and again blaming it on me. Not sure what to do!!! I really don't think he cares about anything, and acts like it's being done to him. Please help. Thanks for listening.
Zircon is offline  
Old 09-30-2015, 03:16 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
Have you spoken to a lawyer yet to find out what the procedure would be for separating? You don't need his cooperation to get out of an unhappy marriage. It might make it easier if he'd just leave, but it can be done with or without his help.
jjj111 is offline  
Old 09-30-2015, 03:26 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 299
My lawyers appt is end of the week. I'm hoping he'll talk, and be somewhat cooperative. I get the vibs, he doesn't think I'm serious. I've never threatened to leave him. Every time he gets drunk he threatens to divorce me, even saying he's seen an attorney, and I'll be given 2 options, and that he's had a private detective follow me. Crazy stuff!!! I'm not thinking divorce, I just can't take the drinking and abusive behavior every night. I know he can't stop, so he needs to leave. Hope that makes sense. Trying to validate it in my head.
Zircon is offline  
Old 09-30-2015, 03:34 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Hang in there, Zircon. I was dealing with much of the same thing. My AH actually SAID he would move out at one point, then acted like everything was totally fine the next day. That was my final straw to put my own apartment search in high gear. I'm in half the space I was before, and I've never been happier.
Wisconsin is offline  
Old 09-30-2015, 03:38 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 15
I'm sorry you're going through this. I can relate to this from my own perspective as well as being with my ex fiance. Right now I need to stop drinking/escaping I'm exhausted and only 30. I used to work out for hrs a day and don't think this is attractive in the slightest and have a dulling of motivation. I didn't party hard last night but feel really tired and am really self conscious that I'm not doing enough today. At least for me ivegotten in too deep (chemically) . However I am a caring person who holds herself to a high standard usually. I'm not lazy usually and people thought I was anorexic for years (not a good thing at all but I was very active even though I drank way too much). It's possible his drinking has gotten so bad he might need help but in a way that is non judgmental - I know that's so hard!!
With my ex who is a true male addict and who got me into drinking bc didn't want to drink alone I saw the addictions and they distracted me from the fact the core problem was he's abusivr to women as well and doesn't tell the truth. In the end don't be so hard on yourself it's not about something you didn't do that caused this. II understand though and it hurts
Light76 is offline  
Old 09-30-2015, 03:54 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
CodeJob's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hello Zircon,

This list might be useful for you to start diffusing the emotional traps this partner is setting for you. My favorites are gas lighting and blame shifting, but you might find some others here.

Out of the FOG - Top 100 Behaviors & Traits of Individuals who suffer from Personality Disorders
CodeJob is offline  
Old 09-30-2015, 04:06 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
dandylion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Zircon......it may be that he bottom l ine is that you will have to draw the boundaries and enforce them yourself. You may not get ANY co-operation from him.
He is going to do what he is going to do. The question becomes....what are you going to do? So far, he sound like a typical alcoholic who is in denial and not close to reaching for recovery.

Where I live, in Virginia, it is not illegal to drink and get sloppy falling-down drunk in one's own home. Even if you own the house....it is his established home. A person has to do something that qualifies for arrest for them to remove him.
I might be wrong.....but, I get the feeling that you would like to "scare" him into
changing......?

dandylion
dandylion is offline  
Old 09-30-2015, 04:41 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 299
I think I'm ready for this situation to change. I know he's not changing anytime soon. A perfect example, he can't go more than a day without alcohol. Hasn't had any today, but tomm., a new day. My ah shows no remorse for his behavior. Not sure what he remembers, he thinks he remembers everything, but then calls me a liar. I don't like who I am becoming. I am beginning not to recognize the me who was happy, confident, and caring. She is slowly slipping away. I want me back!! I know I'm going to have to change things. If he doesn't move, I'm prepared to move. I don't have a lot, but don't require much. I might be able to find a small place of my own. I'm trying to stay strong. Again, it's the evening and he knows what I expect, but doesn't have the time to have a conversation with me, since he's so busy sitting in his chair!! LOL. I know it's not funny, but I'm the only one left that loves and supports him, but am the lowest person on my ah priority list. A total lack of respect!!!
Zircon is offline  
Old 09-30-2015, 05:01 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,887
Really tough situation here Zircon. Folks here are saying what I would say.

Basically stop worrying about him and worry about yourself. He's probably going to get worse no matter what you do. Get a plan together so you can take care of yourself. Leaving him might be what you have to do. This sounds so easy as I type but it is really hard and many of us have been through it. Strength, peace and courage to you!
Bekindalways is offline  
Old 09-30-2015, 05:58 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
healthyagain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
Zircon, why do you want him to take you seriously? And I am asking you this because exactly 6 months ago, a wise person from this forum asked me the same thing.

This sentence was a turning point. It is not important whether he takes you seriously. His head is in alcohol fumes. He cares only about his addiction. The real question is do you respect yourself? What are your boundaries? Do you want to keep living like that? Do you hope that some miracle would change him?

I just went through a speedy divorce, and my husband never took me seriously. And till the last phone call of his, I was hoping that he would say, "Please do not do it. Let's save our marriage. We have been through so much to stay together." Nope, he asked for the apartment keys. And he got them. And 10 days later, divorce was final.

You are dealing with a brain soaked in alcohol. They truly are living in their own reality. What he sees is not you. It is what he believes that you are. It is a distorted image of you that he does not respect. Does not take seriously. And takes your love and kindness for weakness.

In the past 4 months, my ex's behavior got so CRAZY, that I am not even mad anymore! I am absolutely shocked.

Step out of the circle of madness, get some distance (emotional at first, although physical is way better), some time for yourself. Get in touch with an attorney, explore your options. It is a very good first step.
healthyagain is offline  
Old 09-30-2015, 06:11 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
Lilro's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 715
Hi Z
I think you already know what you need to do, it's just doing it.
IMG_1808.JPG
I have one of those chairs too....guess what? It's empty....
Stay stong! Think about you and your future...
Big hug!!!!
Lilro is offline  
Old 09-30-2015, 06:24 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Lilro's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 715
Sorry Z. Tried to post a pic of the empty chair ( that I hate, btw ) and couldn't. But you get the point. Oh and my guy? Well, he used to sit in that chair ignoring me most nights while playing words with friends....ugh!!!!
I never did like that chair, it doesn't match the rest of my furniture!!!
Lilro is offline  
Old 09-30-2015, 06:26 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
healthyagain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
I'm sure they all have their potty chairs, or potty thrones, as we are dealing with king babies after all.
healthyagain is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:27 AM.