brightlight

help anybody, but I have noticed where a lot of you have your A putting you down verbally. I realize that I am the one putting my A down and have been trying to figure out why. I used to never cuss or say a bad word, but within the last two years I have started getting mean. He started drinking two years ago after not drinking for years. I think that in the last two years I have changed because I am in a different town and have a job at home. I feel trapped and he seems like he has it made. He has a good job and is out of the house all day, but really he does not like himself and when he drinks he really does not like himself the next day. Anyway, I have been exercising and losing weight and went and bought a pair of jeans three sizes smaller than the ones I had. Same color and brand. I bought a shirt three sizes smaller too and was also the same brand and same color as another shirt I have. I put them on and he said nothing. He went to work. When he came home we were in the kitchen and he was talking and I said to him you did not notice something and he said you mean your smaller clothes. I realize now that he very much notices everything about me and even notices things that I do not notice about myself. I will buy perfume and he says he cannot smell it, but I think he does. I see that I really am important to him and if I had known that for sure before then I would not have got so mean to him and have tried to put him down. None of this probably makes sense, but I think I make a big deal out of everything and I have noticed that when I do not try to tell him what to do then he is happy and comes home sooner and drinks less. He calls me mommy all the time and I get mad, but I think I act like his mother all the time telling him what to do. If I wanted to spend money on something and he told me I could not then I would have a fit. I have a friend that has been trying to boss her husband around for years and he does everything she does not want him to do. I told her about Dr. Laura's new books about husbands and she started changing the way she acts and her husband has totally changed. I sometimes wonder why my husband married me. I keep thinking he wants a beautiful slim woman, but he picked me when I was 50 or 60 pounds overweight. I asked him once and he said because I was different than other women. He said I was nice. I am going to be nice and see what happens. It will be hard to be nice when my husband is not perfect like I want him or he drinks beer after work, but last night he had a drink before coming home and he kissed me, and usually I will say you have been drinking or I worse , but I said nothing and so he kissed me again and I think to make sure I could smell the beer. LOL He plays games, but I said nothing and was very nice to him and he went out of his way to be nice to me. Anyway, just my thinking today and hope everybody has a good day today. My husband called me this morning from work and asked if I had talked to my friend on the phone and I said yes. He is worried I will be mean when he comes home. He thinks talking to her makes me mean or that other women tell me how to act, so I will turn into one of those mean women. He does not know she is doing what Dr. Laura said LOL One books is something like The Care and Feeding of Husbands and the other one is Woman Power or Women Power, not sure of the exact names.

redrose0729

I have noticed that people feed off of each that people feed off of each others emotions. Emotions are energy and energy does not go away it transfers from one place to another. I have found that when I am more upbeat and focused on myself that I do not have time to focus on my A's addictions as much and in turn he picks up on my positive energy and it also inspires him to try harder and he does even more to please me and in turn I do more to please him. I have realized I have to give him the dignity to make his own mistakes and take the consequences that come along with them. I too have been guilty of treating him like a child and I now realize that as long as I treat him like a child he will act like a child. I love him and in alot of ways he is a good man and even good men have problems. I am a good woman and I have my own problems I am a compulsive overeater and I am fighting to understand it and control it also . I was doing great on my diet I lost 70 pounds and I stoped I am glad I did not gain much weight back (3 pounds) but it not long ago hit me that as he is addicted to drugs and alcohol I am addicted to food. My hope is that as I grow and heal myself that he will too. If not then I will have to deal with that. Just last night I was trying to mommy him and not let him have another beer and then I realized that I was doing to him what he is doing to me by watching my plate. I think he realized it too last night in reverse that he was doing to me just as I was doing to him. You sound alot like me with the being home everyday except my job as housewife and mother does not bring in money. I am now focusing on my future and my childrens also . My A does not like himself much at all but as I make strides to bring myself up so is he. He is feeding off my energy. God Bless you for making a big step to come here it really helps. Keep us posted on how things are going.
Rose

Zoey

BRIGHTLIGHT AND REDROSE.....WONDERFULL POSTS
I think D

Zoey

I just started a post and whee it went all by its self???
I think Dr. Laura's book is prob GREAT from what I heard on TV.

I do think we need to let them be who and what they are and just set a loving, hands off example. As we have learned we can't cure it. So being different perhaps will give them time for thought. Hopefully You go girls. Keep us posted.
This is what I have wanted to see. Hard to do and depends on situations, so no one should feel bad if it fails . I do hope everyone has a chance to try.
Big Thanks clancy46 This is exciting

brightlight

I know that I need a lot of improving. I am normally a quiet private person and I got married at 37 and had my children and 38 and 44. It takes energy to talk to an 11 and 5 year old. It takes energy to lose weight and to be happy around a husband that needs me to make him feel good instead of ignoring him. When I got my job on the computer a lot of this started. I was trying so hard to keep my job that I was ignoring him. I lifted weights first thing this morning and that made my day better. I think I feel guilty when I do not exercise and then I get down and mad at myself and my whole day is ruined, so I got the weights done and felt wonderful. I made my kids pancakes and they nearly fainted. I usually cook things that are faster. I made my husband a nice meal last night and he stuffed himself and went to bed. I have an evil plan of stocking the house with things that he likes like chocolate cake and homemade cookies that I have not made in a long time. He likes more casserole type dishes instead of just meat with vegtables on the side. I think he will notice I am trying to please him, but also maybe fill up and not have as much room for beer. He is losing weight, but I am not going to say I made cookies for you and fuss over him like my son who is 5. Good luck to you too.

brightlight

I mean good luck to both redrose 0729 and Clancy46.

dizzy94

Wow great posts! I am doing the same thing, being nice : )
Yes I know what you mean about acting mean and saying things, sometimes I cant even believe what I just said and how evil it is. Even when he was being perfectly nice I was so angry over the past hurts that I was really nasty to him.
I have been nice to him and not said one word about his drinking for two weeks now and even though he didnt quit he has cut down and is making a real effort to spend time with me and the kids and comes to bed early to snuggle rather than being up all night drinking. He tells my fat butt how beautiful I am and even splurged and got me a hair-cut today and is going to help me highlight it tomorrow.
Of course I would rather have him sober but this is about as close to it that we have come in a long time. I have decided to comit to being kind to him and try to find the ability to have grace and compassion for him as a hurting human being for 6 months.
I am sure by then it will be second nature but that is my comittment for now.
So thats my story and I am sticking to it LOL
Melanie

brightlight

OH how neat! I am so critical of myself that I cannot believe he overlooks my weight, but when I am nice then that is all he sees. He never talks about my weight or calls me names, yet I call him names. I cannot believe what I have said to him and want to take it all back. He said he knows I am trying to shock him into stopping and part of it is that, but he does not understand the anger either. I am not a mean evil person and I am fixing this anger problem. I am sure having a better attitude with weight lifting and doing it first thing in the morning.

dizzy94

I know brightlight, when I do my tonetics tape in the morning I can get so much more done through the day and even seem to eat healthier. Its only 30 minutes so I try to force myself to do it knowing I will not regret it.
Melanie

shutterbug

good posts guys

redrose0729

I am commiting my self to do at least 30 minutes of cardio vascular exercise each day if I miss splat my hands guys LOL...... I will pick a 30 minute sitcom and watch it while I exercise and it helps. One day I will splurge for an exercise tape...

TinyVoice

i have only been mean once to someone...i'm a real softie. i can't believe some of the things that come out of my mouth ...reactions to my ASO. He can so bring it out in me.

But I have also been on the receiving end. My first marriage....he was a control freak and it was definitely a father/daughter relationship...not a marriage. I have never been so miserable. I think treating your spouse as if they aren't compitent enough to think for themselves and do things their way...that is tough to live with and kills love pretty fast.

But I wil say....a-ism will bring that side out of you for sure. So no wonder you all and I have reacted that way. But we do need to not let ourselves be drug down that path.

I am NOT a Dr. Laura fan. LOL but to each his own. Whatever helps. Exercise is a GREAT stress reliever and a lot of overeating is stress. And living with a-ism is stressful. plus some of us handle stress a lot better than others. I don't handle relationship/children stress too well. I handle job stress just fine. But when it comes to a relationship....it can kill me if it isn't going well and I get so down and sucked into a horrible situation.

I'm now rambling. But I agree about energy affecting each other. Someone has to break the cycle...take the lead and change the atmosphere. Bravo to you all for recognizing that. I'm trying to maintain that attitude. Somedyas it's easier than other.