Should I Attend Meetings?

Old 09-29-2015, 07:46 PM
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Should I Attend Meetings?

My story:

I am 43, married for 17 years, and a mother of two boys, ages 12 and 15.

My father is an alcoholic. I grew up in a dysfunctional, alcoholic home. My father was violent. I was abused, my sister was abused, my mother was abused. My mother and I were abused most. My father is rigid, controlling, immature -- alcoholic.

As you can imagine, I suffered greatly in childhood and adulthood. I had all of the Adult Child characteristics. I felt like a victim for a long, long time. I didn't feel normal, my self-esteem was horrible, I questioned my behavior and my decisions. I was extremely hard on myself and I didn't know who I was or what I liked. I was a people-pleaser. I apologized all of the time. I hated my father. I blamed him. I later blamed my mother. I had anger and I had rage.

Somehow I managed to marry a man who is not an alcoholic. We had two kids. A few years ago, when I no longer could stand the anger, the rage, and the low self-worth I sought out therapy.

Before therapy, I made a lot of mistakes with my kids. Especially when they hit school age. I yelled a lot. I controlled a lot. I was depressed and withdrawn a lot. I was critical. I would isolate. I would worry a lot and I had a lot of guilt. I was hostile. I was crazy and sometimes I would shut down around my husband. I blamed him. I wanted love but was so afraid at times to give it. Most would say I was a loving, kind person but behind closed doors, I could be a mess.

Therapy and time helped tremendously. I finally learned to let go. I no longer blamed my parents. The hatred and rage lifted. I could enjoy life more and I learned to go easier on myself. I no longer care as much what people think and I am not filled with shame. I would say my shame is gone.

Life was going pretty well until recently. A few years ago I took up running. I think running helps me a lot. The exercise helps with my mood, and since I am part of a running group, it allows me to talk with my running friends. It's good for me.

My only sibling, a sister who is 40-years-old, is an alcoholic. She is actively involved in AA and in the first year of recovery/sobriety. She has a lot of self-loathing, guilt, crying jags. Her boyfriend left her a few months ago and is dating. She is searching for someone to love her. I want the best for her. I love her and will support her but we don't talk as much as we used to. I don't ignore her calls but she calls me less and I call her less. She calls me less because she is obsessed. She was obsessed with getting her boyfriend back and now she is consumed with dating. We live close to one another and occasionally we will visit but she is an emotional wreck and is trying to function, go to work, take care of her child, and date.

The reason I give all of this background is because I have been feeling miserable lately. I don't know if it's because I'm running less (the heat of August got to me and I have been slacking ever since on the frequency of my runs) or because my sister's alcoholism is dredging up old hurts and wounds that I thought were healed.

I mostly feel low self-esteem, depressed feelings, and guilt. A lot of guilt over my parenting. A lot of comparing my parenting to to other moms and other families. Feeling regretful of how I parented in the past and the present. Even though I'm not alcoholic I carried on the dysfunction in many ways. I have been feeling guilty for a long time and I have a feeling I will probably feel guilty until they are grown and gone if I don't do something. Writing this all out has been helpful for me. I feel a little better and not as hopeless.

I'm wondering if I should go to ACoA meetings or Al-Anon. I'm fearful that they will make me feel even worse. Sometimes I feel like I've made a ton of progress and just want to live my life without searching for answers or worrying about my childhood. I have always been a searcher and I've always been obsessed with self-help and "answers". Going to meetings and bringing up old pain that has been healed in many ways might not be wise. I am unsure but I do wish to parent more effectively and let go of this guilt and this feeling that it's too late.

Thank you for reading and best wishes on your journey.
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Old 09-29-2015, 11:05 PM
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Welcome. If you have an Aoca meeting you should go try it out. Other than that have you read much about Acoa? We have some great resources in the stickies posted above they can be really insightful. Another thing that helped me a lot was writing the memories here on my blog, you can read it if you like. (click on the number 24 under my name) Yes it's hard to rehash those memories but it does help heal.

I had an abusive childhood from a drunken father as well and understand your dilemma. I still have a PTSD from the beatings that came out of nowhere for no reason, anytime I hear loud noised, things falling over and people yelling my heart races and I have to talk myself down. Things will get better but not without work.

Is your Dad still alive and drinking? You are on the right track with the counseling and forgiving. We say forgiving doesn't mean everything is perfect and he didn't do anything wrong. It's just your choice to put it behind you for you, not him. It's great that you want to repair your parenting style. It's very easy to slip into that rage that we learned at our fathers knee (and hand). I had to struggle with that a lot too, it was very hard. I would have the rage if mine didn't obey but I tried to keep it under wraps. I was very close to becoming what I hated growing up. I had to deal with it by acknowledging it, which you have done, and then discipline myself and told them I was sorry, making amends as best I could as befits a child which usually involved my changed behavior.

My siblings and I are all on different pages and I have given up hope of any future with them more than the occasional call or meeting. It's what works for me.
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Old 09-30-2015, 01:53 PM
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Originally Posted by PlentyGood View Post
My story:

I am 43, married for 17 years, and a mother of two boys, ages 12 and 15.

My father is an alcoholic. I grew up in a dysfunctional, alcoholic home. My father was violent. I was abused, my sister was abused, my mother was abused. My mother and I were abused most. My father is rigid, controlling, immature -- alcoholic.

As you can imagine, I suffered greatly in childhood and adulthood. I had all of the Adult Child characteristics. I felt like a victim for a long, long time. I didn't feel normal, my self-esteem was horrible, I questioned my behavior and my decisions. I was extremely hard on myself and I didn't know who I was or what I liked. I was a people-pleaser. I apologized all of the time. I hated my father. I blamed him. I later blamed my mother. I had anger and I had rage.

Somehow I managed to marry a man who is not an alcoholic. We had two kids. A few years ago, when I no longer could stand the anger, the rage, and the low self-worth I sought out therapy.

Before therapy, I made a lot of mistakes with my kids. Especially when they hit school age. I yelled a lot. I controlled a lot. I was depressed and withdrawn a lot. I was critical. I would isolate. I would worry a lot and I had a lot of guilt. I was hostile. I was crazy and sometimes I would shut down around my husband. I blamed him. I wanted love but was so afraid at times to give it. Most would say I was a loving, kind person but behind closed doors, I could be a mess.

Therapy and time helped tremendously. I finally learned to let go. I no longer blamed my parents. The hatred and rage lifted. I could enjoy life more and I learned to go easier on myself. I no longer care as much what people think and I am not filled with shame. I would say my shame is gone.

Life was going pretty well until recently. A few years ago I took up running. I think running helps me a lot. The exercise helps with my mood, and since I am part of a running group, it allows me to talk with my running friends. It's good for me.

My only sibling, a sister who is 40-years-old, is an alcoholic. She is actively involved in AA and in the first year of recovery/sobriety. She has a lot of self-loathing, guilt, crying jags. Her boyfriend left her a few months ago and is dating. She is searching for someone to love her. I want the best for her. I love her and will support her but we don't talk as much as we used to. I don't ignore her calls but she calls me less and I call her less. She calls me less because she is obsessed. She was obsessed with getting her boyfriend back and now she is consumed with dating. We live close to one another and occasionally we will visit but she is an emotional wreck and is trying to function, go to work, take care of her child, and date.

The reason I give all of this background is because I have been feeling miserable lately. I don't know if it's because I'm running less (the heat of August got to me and I have been slacking ever since on the frequency of my runs) or because my sister's alcoholism is dredging up old hurts and wounds that I thought were healed.

I mostly feel low self-esteem, depressed feelings, and guilt. A lot of guilt over my parenting. A lot of comparing my parenting to to other moms and other families. Feeling regretful of how I parented in the past and the present. Even though I'm not alcoholic I carried on the dysfunction in many ways. I have been feeling guilty for a long time and I have a feeling I will probably feel guilty until they are grown and gone if I don't do something. Writing this all out has been helpful for me. I feel a little better and not as hopeless.

I'm wondering if I should go to ACoA meetings or Al-Anon. I'm fearful that they will make me feel even worse. Sometimes I feel like I've made a ton of progress and just want to live my life without searching for answers or worrying about my childhood. I have always been a searcher and I've always been obsessed with self-help and "answers". Going to meetings and bringing up old pain that has been healed in many ways might not be wise. I am unsure but I do wish to parent more effectively and let go of this guilt and this feeling that it's too late.

Thank you for reading and best wishes on your journey.
I can identify with what you've written. I've heard a number of similar stories... I've heard some of that number in acoa meetings.

I go to aa, aca and occasionally al anon. Aca is home for me, if I had to chose one I'd chose aca, no question in my mind. My alcoholic and dysfunctional upbringing is the root cause of my fear, self doubt and shame. Addressing those issues in aca has re-connected me with life the universe and everything. I love the aca fellowship, meetings and literature.

BUT here's the really great news. I don't have to limit myself to just one fellowship. So as a suggestion why not you try both, read both fellowship texts and see which one seems the best fit for you.

Then you can message back and say... Hey that guy makomago was right aca is home :-)... I'm just adding my own bias in for fun, try for yourself and trust your self you can't go wrong and if you do you get to change your mind.

I wish you well...

In fellowship

Mark

Added by edit: your story suggests you could claim membership of both acoa and al anon.
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Old 09-30-2015, 01:59 PM
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Thank you for replies. I might try a meeting tomorrow. I feel good today. A lot of the time I feel good but sometimes I will feel bad. Unsure. An irrational feeling that I am being controlled, when I am not. I am free to be who I am but am still afraid at times.
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Old 09-30-2015, 03:23 PM
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Hi Plenty, I find that when I slip back into these depressions and self doubt, going to a therapist helps me a lot. I just go in for "tune ups" now.
Finding a good one is like hitting the lottery, she's my voice of sanity and reason when I can't hear my own.
Good luck with everything, sounds like you're on the right path whatever you choose.
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Old 10-01-2015, 05:26 AM
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Hello Plenty,

You really have done a lot right! You've worked and made a lot of changes. Sometimes we circle back only to grow again. Be gentle on yourself. Get back to running. Get back to counseling. Try ACA - especially if it's available and accessible to you.

As for the parenting self-judgement, I look at my parenting mostly in a generational review. Am I doing better than my grandparent and parents? Yes. Then good. It sounds like you've really dug in and worked yourself to death trying to be different. It wears one out and things come out wrong (yelling, criticism, perfectionism perhaps?). But I think your motives were good and you are aware of how things sort of went awry. Here's where I think meetings paired with counseling can really help clear the past without shame and keep one focused on setting new patterns of behavior a lot quicker. You could head in to counseling and state that is your main focus. You could work the steps with a parenting focus. I've had some people in my meetings talk about using the steps to evaluate areas of their life that is just not operating smoothly.

Hugs! You really need to see how much you have changed!
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Old 10-02-2015, 02:19 AM
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I don't have kids, but a very good friend was in a similar situation with her child/sibling/FOO last summer.

Back then my friend was mainly concerned about the impact that her "moodswings" and parenting patterns could have on her little one and sought out an "attachment parenting" group. Turned out she loved it, as it helped her to form an even better relationship with her kid, but also work on her childhood experiences. Not sure if it was a coincidence, but quite a few parents in her group were raised in more or less dysfunctional families as well...

Maybe such a group would be worth looking into for you ? - I think it's great that you notice changes / a pattern in your life and actively look for help and input instead of falling back into "old" acoa patterns.
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Old 10-03-2015, 09:59 AM
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In my experience Al-anon turned out to be a great place, even though before I went I was pretty skeptical.

I also attended alateen when I was much younger, and I'd recommend that too anyone also, like minded people in similar situations simply connecting through those experiences and providing support, that's how I found them!!
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Old 11-02-2015, 02:03 PM
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Hi there plenty good, I have been wondering the exact same thing. I am 58 years old but grew up with a violent alc father, alc mother, the effects just seem to linger on. I have been to therapy and it was told to me that I have a dissociated (disconnect from self) coping style that started in my early years of being afraid of my father. It gives me great pain to write this, but I still carry much guilt as I was not the mother that I aspired to be with my 4 children. My youngest is still at home but I find I still shut down with her and withdraw into my own world. I am a little scared to go to a ACOA meeting as my life is still stuck with just going through the motions of work & daily life.."survival" which has been my way of being in the world. I want to move forward now and not stay in the past ..concerned that I will just reinforce my symptoms by going to meetings, am I too old? (I am starting therapy in 2 week, fingers crossed with new therapist!)
Also I am a recovering allergic style drinker, not daily, but enough to cause problems..mostly hidden from my family. I have deep shame around this as I never wanted to end up like my mother.
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Old 12-07-2015, 03:13 AM
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Hi PlentyGood. Thanks for your post. I can relate to your feelings of not wanting to open up old wounds. I also understand the hesitation about going to meetings. Not that many months ago I had all sorts of fears and hangups about going to therapy and meetings.

What helped me is when I told myself that I didn't have to sign up for a lifetime of sitting on the therapist's couch. I didn't have to submit to a whole program. I could try these things out for a bit and see whether they worked for me. Therapy, mainly in a group setting with some individual sessions when I need extra support, has been incredibly helpful. I went to one ACoA meeting a few months back and didn't feel like I meshed well with that particular group or structure, but just yesterday I decided to try out an Al-Anon meeting. The people there were incredibly welcoming (I cried during the majority of the meeting) and supportive.

I still have some reservations, questions, etc., but Al-Anon suggests that you go for six meetings before you decide whether to become a member, and I think I'm going to do that.

I should add that I tend to stick to the ACoA part of this forum when I'm here but I felt more comfortable at an Al-Anon meeting, so, as someone else said, you can go to both or just one and give it a shot. And I should also add that I had been thinking about going to Al-Anon for months and finally just did it, so take your time and give yourself a lot of room to do what's best for you, even if that means not making a decision right now.

P.S. I'm also a runner! :-)
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