readerbaby71

I'm feeling kinda bummed and left out. My best friend L of 27 years has become a bit distant and we don't see each other as much. L's other very close friend M just got divorced and moved back to Pittsburgh about a year ago. It was an ugly and painful divorce. She found him on the bathroom floor after he shot up and OD'ed. He was using drugs for 10 years and she did't know or ignored the signs. I figured she'd need a lot of support from my friend when she came back. When I would have twinges of jealousy I'd think of her suffering with compassion and feel better.She's great, and I am happy that she's doing well now.

Last night we all hung out and had a blast, but I can't help feeling sad because the kids ran to M and hugged her first, I had to ask. I know it's not true but i felt like I had been replaced. There's enough love to go around for everyone. The three of us really did have fun together. I haven't laughed like that for a while, so I am trying to look at the positive side of it too.

A few weeks ago my friend L was also having a hard time with her last kid starting school, so I asked her how I could support her and if she wanted to do something the first day. I found out M came over instead. I know L didn't tell me to spare my feelings but it still hurts.

L also told me that she still thinks my BF is not good for me. A year ago I would have agreed. We had some terrible incidents, he ended up leaving, but we reconciled. He's working hard on his recovery from alcoholism and bipolar disorder. Things are going really well and I love him. He's supportive, loving, and not abusive in any way. He's just not very social especially when there's drinking involved. I asked my friend to give him another chance like I did. I hope she comes around. I really do get how she feels, and she's only looking out for my best interests.

By no means is our friendship over or in a bad state. I guess we're both in new phases in our relationship and our lives, and I accept that. Thank god for therapy. In the past this would have been all about me, what I've done wrong, how I'm inferior, blah blah blah.

It just sucks to feel left out when I've always felt like part of the family. I miss the closeness with her, the kids, and husband, who I've also known most of my life. I'm trying not to catastrophize or overthink. Just had to get this out. I couldn't sleep last night. Not letting my feelings get out of control but I am going to be bummed for a little while. At least I've grown enough to know realize rationally that she does not love me any less. Every relationship ebbs and flows. People drift apart and come back together. I know we will always be in each others' lives.

Thanks for listening. Hope you're all having a good day!

readerbaby71

Just found out a parent I know from a school where I used to work committed suicide. He was a psychologist and helped a lot of people. He and his wife have a little boy who's about 8. So sad for him and their family and friends. Such kind, loving people.

I'm just sitting here, in shock. You never, ever know what's going on in people's heads so remember to be kind. Ugh. What a day.

FireSprite

I'm sorry readerbaby, I know that I would feel a bit hurt & displaced by all of that too. It sounds like you have a full grasp on all the reasons though & I think it's HUGE that you are able to separate yourself from it all & not take it personally. I agree with you about how friendships ebb & flow too, I've always been a fan of that saying about people in your life for a reason, a season, etc. Sometimes people just grow apart & I think that's a lot more graceful than forcing relationships to exist long after they have expired. Do you feel like she's not really supportive of you because you are staying with RAB & she just doesn't understand? Or do you feel like she's judging you for it? (that would be different for me) I'm sorry RB, it's a craptacular feeling no matter why it's happening & finding out about a suicide on top of it must have you feeling pretty emotional right now.

((((((((((Hugs))))))))))

readerbaby71

I feel sad but numb at the same time. She can be judgmental, but I don't necessarily think she's doing that in this situation. Seeing the pain M went through and I've gone through in the past has made her tolerance low for dealing with addicts. I don't know if she does understand. I know she tries to be supportive.

It's weird, I find myself really, really wanting to please her. Not wanting her to think less of me. She and M both came to his art show earlier this year so I know she doesn't despise him or anything like that. He's not gregarious or comfortable around a lot of people, and I think that makes her uncomfortable. So be it. I just wish things were different, that's all.

teatreeoil007

RB:
It sounds like "L" is someone who might be more than friends, judging from the level of your emotional response to nothing she has done outright. There is some assumption on your part about being 'replaced' and if that's true, apparently that hurts. But, it may not even be true! Have you asked her, talked to her, as you are are doing on this board?

You know, I had a friend who I am not even sure is still my friend as I won't likely see him again, but anyways...he played all these guessing games. Instead of being open and direct, he would go about things indirectly...it was almost as if he was simply AFRAID to reveal his true feelings. One day, he finally DID reveal his true feelings, but by that time, the friendship was growing to a close...as he was leaving for a distant land far away...and returning who knows when?

Actions speak very strongly. He left and didn't say good-bye--even though he said he would. Sad...

Because of his FEAR a lot of time was wasted with many missed opportunities that we could have been spending quality time with one another as friends.

But he was really quite sensitive and worried about needing to "do everything right" and "not mess up", and "excell". Pushing himself to extremes in some areas of his life, while neglecting others. This made him uptight when he could have relaxed more. This caused him anxiety when he could have felt at ease. It caused him to be more indirect instead of honest and open.

readerbaby71

Yes, we talked about it last night. We have been friends since we were 17 and have always been very close. I see my friends as an extension of my family, and love them very much. I didn't tell her I was feeling "replaced" because I knew it was irrational and that these were my own feelings that had nothing to do with her. She is a very passive person and wouldn't have said anything unless I asked, so I did. There's really not a problem here. She's the one person I'd still call if I got thrown in jail in the middle of the night. LOL. I'm just sad that our relationship has changed somewhat, but nothing ever stays constant.

LifeRecovery

Readerbaby-

Sometimes that attachment thing is so hard.

What started out as a piece about your relationship with one person as you have answered more seems to be evolving as you write about how hard it is to accept that things change (I could be completely wrong about this).

For me this recovery thing has brought about a lot of changes in my relationships. For the most part, with close friends they have remained close, but just last week I spent most of my therapy session regarding big changes that are occurring with my two good friends from college and our relationships....because I am changing. Much of the hard stuff has been for me about creating distance (for a little bit). After gain perspective, and making needed changes in me, we can come together again and enjoy the dance of friendship we have previously. It is not the same, but it continues to be lovely.

For me it has been hard realizing that what attracted us in the first place (in one case our mutual co-dependent behaviors) may not be working any longer. At the same time what is painful is that I don't always know the "what's next," part of things....and my knee jerk reaction is to try and fix things.....

It is just hard stuff and I want to support you in that it is hard for anyone.

readerbaby71

Thank you so much. Over the years we have had real fights and falling outs. I don't want that to happen again. We're both more mature now, but when there are strong feelings involved it is difficult. We still laugh together so much, so there's that.

LifeRecovery

....and I bet this is pretty different then the fights and falling out.

For me I can't put a finger always on what is "wrong" with things right now in these two relationships....they just don't feel the same so things are not "right," right now.

Shades of grey are SO uncomfortable for me, and that is what I am experiencing in my "challenging" relationships.

Some of it has been about working through expectations of these relationships, some about respecting me, my feelings and my abilities. I have a LONG way to go with this, but I realized last week in therapy that any conflict we have is NOT always my fault of I said it wrong.

A lot of what brought this to the forfront for me is that we are planning an international trip next year to celebrate our milestone birthday coming up in 2016.....

With a little more self-insight I am realizing what sounds joyous and great about this trip....and what does not. For the first time I get to put some limits on what does not feel like a good idea.

Some of this is so hard, and some of this is really freeing me to be me, and them to be them, and us all to be together in relationship but it has not been easy.

Interestingly one of the friends I am writing about lives in Pittsburgh too (which I LOVE).

I meant to say before I am so sorry about the loss of your other friend.

Mango blast

((((readerbaby))))

I'm sorry you're going through these things. I'm so very sorry for the losses that have touched your life.
It sounds as if you have a very healthy outlook and are learning to take good care of yourself.

What you can do... (write a heartfelt or light letter to someone, dust the furniture, call someone who wouldn't expect it, etc.)

What you can't do... (change people, places or things)

Now trust your HP and the universe that something good is in the works for your own life. That as you work at it, you'll be given all you need along the way.

Are you spiritually fit or depleted today? What can you do to help attain or sustain that fitness? No need to answer; questions I've been looking at lately and sharing that thought.

Ktf

NYCDoglvr

One of the most important things I learned was acceptance of people, places and things as they are. I felt a lot of resentment over a changed relationship. I didn't understand what happened and couldn't do anything about it. One day I said "screw it!" and just let it go emotionally. My resentment left and, almost magically, the relationship got a lot better on its own. You can pray for your friend to have everything she needs and wants in life ... lots of time that relieves concerns and resentments.

FireSprite

A lot of what I'm "hearing" in these shares is that discomfort of the transition as your relationship turns. We're mature enough now to see it coming & have enough therapy/recovery under our belts to know it doesn't solely belong to us either.

I've had friendships change overnight. I've had them take that slow, almost painful descent into oblivion. I've had a couple come back together after an extended break, but never exactly the same. The last time it happened, I just chose to Let Go. I had a full plate already & my instinct since childhood is to immediately trim the fat - drop every unnecessary or draining thing I can from my life. Eliminate or at least distance from toxic relationships with energy vampires. (I hadn't heard of it terms of detachment, no contact, acceptance just yet.)

In this last instance, we had been growing apart, they had moved away, we both had very busy lives. The handwriting was on the wall for me & I found I was happy to walk away with happy memories & no dramatic ordeal. That THAT was closure sometimes. Plus, if *I'm* codependent, my friend was the Troop Leader who wrote the book on it. She would have forever continued shallow, half-hearted attempts to remain in contact because it was the right thing to do. We'd been THROUGH a lot of drama in our relationship together & I eventually saw how we could go our separate ways & it not be a negative thing. Friends for a season; a very, very long season- but a season nonetheless.

That space, that feeling that existed "in-between" our actively engaging in our friendship & dropping the expectations & just Letting It Be was so new & therefore uncomfortable. I think that same feeling Shows Up when relationships are at a point of evolution too, it's not just about endings. When RAH was gone to BASIC training for almost 6 months & it had been the first time in my life I'd ever lived alone - that feeling showed up during our adjustment once he returned.