Ally89

I have been reading many posts on this forum for the last 3 weeks since my alcoholic ex-partner left me and it is truly comforting to understand that I am not alone in this. I always knew he liked to drink a lot and there were the same jokes and light hearted comments made about it throughout our 5 and a half year relationship but I never truly understood he was an alcoholic until the beginning of this year.

A high functioning alcoholic too which is why it took so long to figure out. The worst part of it all is that he was for the majority of the time the perfect man for me, I couldn't understand how I had got so lucky. For most of our relationship we were insanely happy, people would always comment that we were the perfect couple and I believed it too. We of course had our own faults but who doesn't but were just so compatible. Our families were also so close and I wanted this for the rest of my life.

With space now looking back I can see in the last year or so he distanced himself a lot. When I discovered his secret drinking and all the pieces of the jigsaw flew into place I never once thought of leaving him. We had been together for so long and were so happy I had to support him through this. He cried, admitted everything, but said he could beat it alone. That didn't work so I convinced him to go to counselling. This didn't work so I convinced him to tell his family which he did. At each stage he was completely candid and did everything I suggested. I guess the only part he wasn't honest about was that he continued to drink throughout the whole time (I will never truly know just how much he drinks as it was always in secret and he was very good at hiding it. He also NEVER appeared drunk to me which is scary). There were relapses and for the most part I accepted this was going to happen but tried to encourage him not to be too hard on himself and start again each time.

Then like a bolt out of the blue one night after a conversation about marriage he had completely changed his mind and said he didn't want to get married. He had changed his mind over the last year or so after being the one to always suggest it and ask his mum about engagement rings etc. I couldn't understand it. From there things spiraled. He broke up with me, said deep down for a while he came to the conclusion that I was not the right person for him- I was horrified and heart broken. Where had this all come from?? I went back to my mums house and he then texted me to say he had made a big mistake and his counsellor told him not to make any life changing decisions right now because he was not thinking clearly. I told him he could not play with my life like this and needed to be sure. He said he didn't want to lose me and had been a fool- he needed to explain to me. He then admitted he had cheated. My world fell apart. He was someone I had always thought would NEVER to do that to me. He adored me. I know it sounds naive but literally everyone on both sides that found out were as shocked as me because it was so uncharacteristic of him and we had seemed so happy. I was so confused- after a counselling session he said he could see it all so clearly and it was the drink and this had been a problem his whole life and was getting out of control. If I gave him another chance we could work through it, he even agreed to go to couples counselling. I just couldn't get past the cheating- the way he did it was almost calculating and premeditated. I decided it wouldn't work and met with him to talk. I know it sounds ridiculous but there was no shock, no tears, no fighting for me. After everything, the lies, the cheating, the alcoholism HE then decided he didn't want to be with ME. I couldn't understand it. He went back to the whole me not being the right person and not having the courage to end it. I couldn't believe it. He was so happy- we had so much fun together and then suddenly he completely cut me out. I felt completely abandoned. After 5 and a half years I was used, abused and then thrown aside. We have no contact which I know is for the best but I cannot get past my best friend suddenly completely cut from my life and it all seem so easy for him. He said it isn't and he hates who he has become but I already suspect he is drinking still.

Does anyone else have experience of this?? The crazy thing is he is so open about everything and seems to have such a clear understanding of how this is all affecting his life, but is doing it anyway?? I am devastated as to what we could have been- how can my whole life turn upside down like this in a matter of days. I have some counselling sessions lined up and will consider Al anon after this- I cannot see how I will get past this. I miss him so much, even throughout everything he was kind, caring and loving to me. Never violent or aggressive. I do not understand any of it. Please help.

CodeJob

Good morning Ally,

Welcome to SR. I am glad you've been reading here already. Thanks for sharing your story.

This partner is attached to one thing - his addiction. It came first. It continues to come first. You were willing to hunt it down and evict it from his life. So he twisted everything up and evicted you from his life instead.

He cheated on you with his addiction and the other woman. He destroyed your relationship's trust. I'm so sorry. It's OK to miss him, feel like you've been in a tsunami and knocked off your feet. I'm glad you have counseling lined up. Al Anon is definitely worth trying too!

Butterfly

Hi ally and welcome to SR, it really is a sanctuary.

I am sorry for what you are going through, it's devastating when they chose their addiction over those who love them but until he seeks true sobriety his first love and priority will be his addiction. I know that hurts to read, it did for me the first time I read it and I really had to work hard on accepting his addiction always and would always come first until he sought sobriety for himself.

There is nothing you can do about his addiction, I tried with my stbxah as did many others on this forum, screamed, shouted, manipulated, threatened, ultimatums, controlling (thought I was controlling it but I wasn't). You name it I did it. Only he can manage his addiction.

I can assure you that you will come through this but it takes time, a long time to recovery from the effects of living with an alcoholic. I'm out just over 18 months and I've still a long way to go but I'm getting their and definitely no where near as devastated as I was. And you will get there.

Are you attending a counsellor, someone for you to talk to about how you feel and what you have experienced?

((((Hugs)))) take one day at a time, sometimes it's one moment just to get through each day.

There will be more experienced members along soon

Lilro

Hi Ally. Welcome and sorry you are here.

I could have written your post myself!
Unfortunately you got in the way of his addiction. There is really not too much anyone here can tell you other than you will be ok. You tried to help but you have found that the only person that can help the addict is the addict himself and that's if HE wants too. Seems like he's not ready right now so pick yourself up, brush yourself off and focus on your recovery. I know it's painful, we all know. The more you read about alcoholsm the more you will understand.
Work on YOU right now. If it was meant to be that you two are together it will sometime in the future when both of you are healthy.
I wish there was more I can say but just know we are all here for you!! BIG HUG!!!
Ro

Ally89

Thanks s much for the replies so far. I know you are all right and it will take time.

The thing that hurts the most is not knowing whether the whole relationship was a lie or did things just get worse because his drinking would have obviously got worse overtime? Perhaps I will never truly know the answer but I cannot believe someone would put on a complete show for so long and never really feel anything. I know it is a progressive disease and I have told myself most of the relationship was genuinely happy. He has told me this himself but of course I can never truly believe anything from him anymore. I think that is what makes it hard to move on- what am I supposed to think about the past 5 years of my life?

changingman

I am 44 years old, I am deeply in love with my wife and adore my children. I am failing them by drinking. The love is not for the addiction, quite the opposite. Your sober times are when you hate what you are doing and what you have become. I have never cheated however and maybe that is where the line is. He loved you, I guarantee that, he hated his addiction, I can guarantee that too. Sadly his addiction was an easy fix, his guilt about it was not and that is where he failed, he let his addiction win, I'm not about to let that happen. Be strong.

Lilro

Ally
Mine was a 5 year relationship also. Didn't realize the extent of his drinking until 4 1/2 years into it when I found him incoherent in his apartment after not hearing from him for 2 days ( off the the ER we went....ugh! ) I want to kick myself in the butt for not seeing it sooner. Yikes, the expression " blinded by love" rang true here!
I also struggled and still do at times thinking " wow, was that whole thing a lie?" It's mindboggling to think that there are people in this world who actually act like that! Who does that? At this time as far as I'm concerned, I dodged a bullet...someone was definitely looking out for me. Yes, we were heading towards marriage, he even went as far as purchasing a large home. Unbelievable!
The good news is that now that I am removed from the craziness I can see more clearly and I can walk away from the relationship with MY HEAD HELD HIGH knowing that I GAVE IT MY ALL and then some. What a fool he was for lying to me all those years. Honestly at this point I'm not sure how he looks at himself in the mirror every morning. I would be disgusted by what I saw knowing what I have done.
Alcoholism is a SELFISH disease. It's all about them, what they want, what they need, YOU will always come second. I'm not sure about you but me, oh no honey, I'm the top banana from here on out!
Keep coming back and posting.. We are all here... No judgement!
Ro

Owl1370

Ally - I totally understand your pain. I am going through the same thing myself. While my ABF did not cheat with a woman, he cheated with the drug. Then he would be honest about it and I felt like I should continue to support him. He went to in patient and out patient treatment and to meetings. We went to counselling. But he never really accepted that he had to do the work to stay sober. He left for what I feel is the final time on Saturday. I am a wreck and I am asking all the same questions.
Hugs to you.
Owl

Lilro

Thanks for posting from "the other side" Changingman. I wish you the strength and peace to continue on your path of sobriety! You can do it!!

blondeblonde80

So many similarities to my relationship and my break up with my ex-a. My guy never cheated but basically lied the entire relationship and secretly relapsed all of the time and was in and out of AA and rehab until he finally just up and left one night and chose not having to be accountable over our loving home. The pain and shock was unbearable as we were so in love and I asked all of the same questions you are. Alanon, therapy, this place, and my loved ones have been my saving grace. Read up on addiction it will help. For me going no contact was key. I did have a few slip ups (looking at social media ect) but overall it did give me the strength when he did contact me and with a self serving "i still love you" email, to stay strong and stay away. They say "no new contact equals no new hurt".

I just read an article about the pain of two people loving each other and not being able to be together, and how often this happens especially when addiction is a factor. By no means am I trying to romanticize any of it but this quote stood out for me: "When love scars, it cuts deep. The pain isn’t easily forgotten and usually cannot be willfully forgotten. When you hurt the woman you love enough, she won’t come back to you. And because you still love her, you wouldn’t take her back even if she asked you to.

You don’t trust yourself not to hurt her again and even if you did, she wouldn’t trust you not to hurt her again. Relationships are built on trust and you shattered her trust."

I believe the love is very real but unfortunately the addiction often wins. Sending you big hugs....

Ally89

Thanks blondeblonde80- the quote from that article seems very applicable to me. I actually wanted to go back and he wouldn't take me. I saw this as rejection, that I wasn't good enough despite the fact I had done nothing wrong and supported him through everything. It is more likely that he can now drink in the flat without having to hide it from me anymore and the guilt and shame is too much. Perhaps one day I will look back and be grateful for that.

It is interesting that a lot of people have said they/ their partner didn't cheat. I have been telling myself this was all part of the disease affecting his decisions and distorting his reality but I am starting to think this is the power of my own denial. I wonder what others think? Is the cheating completely unrelated?

Hawkeye13

I think cheating is unrelated Ally
The character of a person is part of them with or without drinking.

I have read many posts on this list from people whose partners continued to cheat even after they got sober.

blondeblonde80

Cheating or not, hopefully you will eventually look at it all as dodging a bullet and that you will be free of his addiction and lies. I was headed towards marriage and kids with my guy, and from most of what I read on here, that pressure usually makes the addiction worse. Hindsight also has brought of clarity for me, and much of what I thought was my amazing love story with my exA was really his insecurities and obsession with me, and me being in love with his potential and trying to save him. The yin and yang of the addict and the enabler. Be easy on yourself... Trying to figure out the addict brain is damn near impossible. Xo

Ally89

This is just so hard. My old neighbour just called me and asked me to come back because he is suffering and acting very strange. She called on him and he looked a mess and kept saying I was gone. I know this I nothing to do with me and it's just proof he is still drinking but it has got a lot worse because I have gone. I know it's not my fault but we are all so worried. My muis going to call his tomorrow because we don't think they realise how bad it is. I have said she can do it and inshouldnt be involved as I know this will hamper my recovery but is this wrong? We can't just all sit back and do nothing surely?

firebolt

Sometimes, them getting worse is the only thing that leads him to recovery.

The healthy thing to do IS EXACTLY to sit back, and let him make his own decisions as a grown man. When people "help" us by softening the blows we give ourselves, it just keeps us repeating our same patterns over and over again. We have to have consequences. Sometimes...no, MANY times....alcoholics have to get DUIs, they have to lose their kids and or their partners, they have to lose their jobs, and their homes, they have to be left to sit in jail, they have to call themselves an ambulance because they don't know which way is up or because their guts hurt....then, just maybe, they will get some help for themselves.

Same thing for us - many times, we have to be so beaten down, so exhausted, so depressed and anxious, and so hopeless, that we finally pick ourselves up, get help, and distance ourselves one way or another from the whole mess.

Eauchiche

In March 2014, my partner of 14 years and I separated. I was living 2-1/2 hours away during the week for work and coming home on weekends.
In April 2014, he asked me to come back and work things out. I asked for a meeting with him halfway between our two locations. He arrogantly replied that he deserved better than that after 14 years, and why couldn't I just come home? I never got that meeting.
In July 2014, he announced that he had "no love in his heart" for me. We have never reconciled.

I believe that being with an alcoholic who refuses help is a first-class ticket to the most miserable existence there is.

Be kind to yourself. Go to AlAnon and RUN don't walk away from this guy!!!