Fallow

I was listening to this AA talk where he says he did a walk of shame over and over and over. Coming in and out. Looks like I first landed in AA around 7 years ago and here shortly after.

But I just cant seem to fully get this.

I was just reading a thread about how much folks drank. I dont drink near most of those amounts. Internally Im a wreck though. I just refuse to deal with life. I think/know its the alcohol but then theres something much deeper thats wrong with me.

Its sad

endlesspatience

As everyone here knows, it's not really the amount you drink that matters. It's whether it has a detrimental affect on you and other people. If you are a wreck, it's having a detrimental affect. I would say that if you can deal with alcohol, that gives you a much better chance to "deal with life" as you put it. Problems don't go away, but what you learn in dealing with alcoholism is how to deal with other issues.

MIRecovery

Have you gotten a sponsor and worked the steps?

Dee74

It's never too late to do things differently Fallow

D

Fallow

No. And I dont think I can do that.

Saskia

Getting and staying sober isn't a "sort of" endeavor. Comparing the quantity you drink with others sounds to me like it is a rationalization?

AA isn't the only option. However, I found it was nearly impossible for me to stay sober until I was willing to do whatever it takes.

Dee74

OK, thats your call...but have you thought about what you *are* prepared to do...more than you're doing now?

D

entropy1964

I try to stay away from threads like that because it forces me to make comparisons. Or threads that romanticize like 'favorite glass' or something along those lines....that's just me.

No matter how much I drink, how often I drink, what kind of consequences I have had from my drinking, I'm a mess when I drink. I am not the person I want to be, I do things I'm ashamed of, I hurt people I love, I hurt myself. Alcohol makes me sad and addiction is soul crushing. I don't want to live that way.

Roxyblues

The problem is not alcohol. Alcohol is the solution. The problem is alcoholism. That is the deep underlying problem and the steps can help one recover from that underlying problem of alcoholism.

ScottFromWI

Most of us have other underlying issues, physical and mental. The thing is, you can never even begin to try and address them until you stop drinking. Especially if you have depression/anxiety or other psychological issues, the alcohol just makes them worse and they cannot be treated until the alcohol is out of your system completely.

Have you ever talked to a therapist or counselor about these other issues you think may be lurking inside you? Simply identifying them can be a great first step. Most of them are very treatable.

fini

yes, it is sad.

you refuse to deal with life...well, that's not true, Fallow. it's just that you're not dealing with life in a different way. and the way you're using to deal with it is unsatisfactory to you and you know it.

there were deeper things going on with me, too, though for a long time i was convinced if i just stopped drinking, i'd be good.
when i did finally stop drinking, slowly it became apparent that indeed drinking had been a solution of sorts, and that i was now without one.

i needed a new solution.
but before i could do that, i did need to stop.

it's the first step.

MIRecovery

From the instructions on how to get and stay sober in the AA Big Book

At some of these we balked. We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.

ReadyAtLast

Welcome back Fallow. As others have said, find something that works for you. It' doesn't have to be AA, just find something and don't stop searching till you find it.

Anna

Fallow, I also think that alcoholism is a symptom and we need to deal with the underlying issues in order to heal. Have you considered talking to a therapist? I hope that you find something that works for you.

entropy1964

It has been said to me, and I paraphrase, that alcoholism is a delivery system to a better reality. I believe there are many many people in this world that don't know how to live in harmony with their lives. They don't have a catastrophic condition (like alcoholism) that forces them to reevaluate everything in order to survive. So they kind of plug along semi unhappy through their whole lives without a clue how to change. In my recovery travels, there is nothing worse than a really sick active alcoholic. But there is nothing better than an alcoholic living in acceptance and recovery. I hope to be there someday

thomas11

Thanks RB, I have never thought of it that way. A new perspective.

Fallow

I have not had any therapy but I have thought for awhile I need to look into some.

After posting today and thinking on this more I think my issue is really some sort of depression.

A lot has happened this year and its been really stressful moneywise. Weve had to spend a lot for unforseen circumstances and Ive been really focused on it.

I think thats where my disconnect is about drinking because of my trying to spend less I havent been drinking much. So when I read that thread its not that I thought Im better or worse I just didnt relate.

I always seem to have this suspicion that alcohol is my problem though so Im quitting. Its not doing anything positive for me anyhow.