Sobering up when you're a pathetic nobody
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 1
Sobering up when you're a pathetic nobody
Hi guys, Marney here, 35-year-old married lady.
I started drinking shortly after I got married and moved to another state away from everything I ever knew. I didn't stop for a decade. I was sober for two years before we moved to a new city for my husband's dream job... which turned into a nightmare for me. See, it's been since last December and I haven't been able to meet anyone to be friends, I've lost a job because I couldn't handle the stress (leftover from drinking... I don't handle stress anymore very well) and I haven't been able to find a new one... it's because I quit the last job because it was so stressful that it sent me to the hospital, and everyone knows everyone in this town so they all know I went to the hospital and can't handle the work so none of them want to hire me....
So here I am in my new city, alone, my mom has cancer, I am 6 hours away from the rest of my family, my husband is working all the time, I have been unemployed for months and nobody is even responding to my resumes, I feel like I'll never get a job in my career again, all of my dreams are dying, I have nobody to talk to... husband works 70h a week... we don't make enough money... I've been freelancing but working 80h a week I still can't make more than $700/mo... and so I started drinking again. Bottle of vodka last week, a fifth tonight and I know if I don't stop it's just going to spiral so I'm going to stop. I stopped before and I can stop again.
It's just this gaping hole of loneliness. I have tried everything I could to find friends here but I can't find anybody, not at church, not on meetup.com, not in a running group I joined... I can't even connect with the other ppl in AA... I must smell... I don't allow myself to have cash on me or credit cards so I don't drink, I let my husband buy everything, so I don't even have any agency... on top of that I learned a few months ago that it's impossible for me to have children, so there's no future, no future at all, even if I don't drink I can't see anything for me.... it's so hard.
I don't want to drink but none of the reasons I got sober on are there anymore. I won't have a family... nobody's going to care...
I used to be such a wonderful person, I had dreams and friends and goals, and now I'm just a pathetic nobody in a city I hate with all of my dreams in foreclosure.... my husband loooooves his job.... he told me when he got home from work tonight that he didn't want to talk to me, he just wanted to do some more work... and now he's playing sudoku. and I just want to die. Not really, but I can't see a future for myself anymore that has anything to do with the person I was before I started drinking. AND I WAS SOBER FOR TWO YEARS AND NINE MONTHS EVEN. DRINKING TOOK EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING.
What do I even do now? I can't believe I drank again. 2 days sober... starting over... it's much easier to get sober when you think you actually have a future.
I started drinking shortly after I got married and moved to another state away from everything I ever knew. I didn't stop for a decade. I was sober for two years before we moved to a new city for my husband's dream job... which turned into a nightmare for me. See, it's been since last December and I haven't been able to meet anyone to be friends, I've lost a job because I couldn't handle the stress (leftover from drinking... I don't handle stress anymore very well) and I haven't been able to find a new one... it's because I quit the last job because it was so stressful that it sent me to the hospital, and everyone knows everyone in this town so they all know I went to the hospital and can't handle the work so none of them want to hire me....
So here I am in my new city, alone, my mom has cancer, I am 6 hours away from the rest of my family, my husband is working all the time, I have been unemployed for months and nobody is even responding to my resumes, I feel like I'll never get a job in my career again, all of my dreams are dying, I have nobody to talk to... husband works 70h a week... we don't make enough money... I've been freelancing but working 80h a week I still can't make more than $700/mo... and so I started drinking again. Bottle of vodka last week, a fifth tonight and I know if I don't stop it's just going to spiral so I'm going to stop. I stopped before and I can stop again.
It's just this gaping hole of loneliness. I have tried everything I could to find friends here but I can't find anybody, not at church, not on meetup.com, not in a running group I joined... I can't even connect with the other ppl in AA... I must smell... I don't allow myself to have cash on me or credit cards so I don't drink, I let my husband buy everything, so I don't even have any agency... on top of that I learned a few months ago that it's impossible for me to have children, so there's no future, no future at all, even if I don't drink I can't see anything for me.... it's so hard.
I don't want to drink but none of the reasons I got sober on are there anymore. I won't have a family... nobody's going to care...
I used to be such a wonderful person, I had dreams and friends and goals, and now I'm just a pathetic nobody in a city I hate with all of my dreams in foreclosure.... my husband loooooves his job.... he told me when he got home from work tonight that he didn't want to talk to me, he just wanted to do some more work... and now he's playing sudoku. and I just want to die. Not really, but I can't see a future for myself anymore that has anything to do with the person I was before I started drinking. AND I WAS SOBER FOR TWO YEARS AND NINE MONTHS EVEN. DRINKING TOOK EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING.
What do I even do now? I can't believe I drank again. 2 days sober... starting over... it's much easier to get sober when you think you actually have a future.
Adventurer
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Tuxedo Park, NY
Posts: 1,101
Marley, thanks for getting all that stuff off your mind. We all have piles of things like that weighing us down. It gets rough and we think we are alone but we are not. On here we have each other and that is at least a start.
Stop saying no to everything except booze of course. What city are you in? Have you talked honestly with your husband? How about other AA groups? It can be rough I know I live in a suburb of New York City and my wife and don't have many friends here, it's real hard. Seems like everyone already has friends or makes them if they have kids which we do not. Positive thinking is key and remembering you are the ultimate decider of what path you decide to take be it misery or happiness.
Stop saying no to everything except booze of course. What city are you in? Have you talked honestly with your husband? How about other AA groups? It can be rough I know I live in a suburb of New York City and my wife and don't have many friends here, it's real hard. Seems like everyone already has friends or makes them if they have kids which we do not. Positive thinking is key and remembering you are the ultimate decider of what path you decide to take be it misery or happiness.
Professional zombie fighter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 341
Thanks for writing about your struggle, marney. I sometimes feel like a "pathetic nobody," too. I try to tell myself it's all a matter of what I'm doing to move forward, not a matter of judging and labeling myself. I don't think you're out of options for moving forward.
Also I might be off base, because I am not married, but maybe you could communicate the spirit of your post here to your husband? Does he know you feel so stuck? That could be one thing that could help a little.
Also I might be off base, because I am not married, but maybe you could communicate the spirit of your post here to your husband? Does he know you feel so stuck? That could be one thing that could help a little.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 40
Hi Marney,
Wow, I was moved by reading your story. Thanks so much for sharing it. I just came across it while searching for something about getting away... I can completely relate. I too feel alone sometimes and I am over 2 years Sober.
It is really refreshing to read your message. If there's anything I can share, staying Sober can open up infinite possibilities. All the things that I thought were important are starting to become less important and the things I never could comprehend or have, are becoming more important. Like Peace.
I can really relate to your feelings of abandonment and isolation. I went through that. I can assure you though, with each day sober, those feelings become less and less and you will find something, anything, to hang on to and that is my wish for you. Just trust it. The Universe is grand and full of Life and Hope and Love, that if we can just hang on, miracles unfold. I am living proof.
I hope you can find some solace through some meetings or writing in here.
If meetings don't work, try writing in here. This is a great support system and has helped me too. I found writing all the crap that was in my head, really helped me. Hope it does for you.
Take care !
As Louise Hay says, Life Loves You.
Wow, I was moved by reading your story. Thanks so much for sharing it. I just came across it while searching for something about getting away... I can completely relate. I too feel alone sometimes and I am over 2 years Sober.
It is really refreshing to read your message. If there's anything I can share, staying Sober can open up infinite possibilities. All the things that I thought were important are starting to become less important and the things I never could comprehend or have, are becoming more important. Like Peace.
I can really relate to your feelings of abandonment and isolation. I went through that. I can assure you though, with each day sober, those feelings become less and less and you will find something, anything, to hang on to and that is my wish for you. Just trust it. The Universe is grand and full of Life and Hope and Love, that if we can just hang on, miracles unfold. I am living proof.
I hope you can find some solace through some meetings or writing in here.
If meetings don't work, try writing in here. This is a great support system and has helped me too. I found writing all the crap that was in my head, really helped me. Hope it does for you.
Take care !
As Louise Hay says, Life Loves You.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Marney, I know when you are feeling so down and out that the following words are going to sound empty, but they are not: you are being much to hard on yourself.
You are not a pathetic nobody, you are an alcoholic. You have an addiction to alcohol, you have a disease. Being a decent person and being an alcoholic are not mutually exclusive. The problem is, the alcoholism tends to mask the good.
I am in a similar situation, I live on another continent entirely from all of my friends and family. I have been searching for a full time job for over 6 years and am still piecing together an income with random bits of work. I am lonely and bored and stressed and used alcohol to deal with these feelings.
A couple of things, one, the alcohol only makes all of these feelings worse. The times I have been able to stick to staying sober, things have dramatically improved in just a short time.
Not drinking gives you a clear head to confront any issues, more time to get things done, more money to contribute towards positive activities or purchases (coffee out with a friend, buying healthy ingredients to cook with).
As for not having any friends, I feel you, god do I ever feel you. It is such a huge enormous hole in my life. In the 10 years I have been in my new town I have met tons of people with whom I can socialize with briefly while out, but that is it. No one calls me, if I call people to try and reach out and invite them to get together, 99% of the time I get excuses as to why they cannot. I do have one woman with whom I have connected and who I can call in a trying time, but I am starting to get the feeling that I am outwearing my welcome there and am trying to back off a bit.
The thing you need to realize here, and this is important in my opinion, is it is NOT you. It is not even them. It is just the way it is. To make and maintain a real, solid friendship, it takes hours upon hours of continuous time together. Think of the friends you have in your hometown. Where did you meet them? More than likely you met them at school or at work, places where you saw them day after day and spent hours together sharing and experiencing the same things. At our age (I am 36 as well) it is just plain hard to make friends. Joining the running group and meet ups is great, but unless you really, really click with someone, after the activity is over you all go back home to your various and diverse lives. This does not mean you have to be friendless forever, but it does mean that making friends is going to be more difficult and time consuming. It is hurtful and sad to hear that, believe me I know, but it does not mean it is not possible.
An idea might be to find a LOCAL web forum- maybe discussing local politics or town events, a local band or school sports team- and start participating and chatting there. Getting to know someone via the written word is a way to deepen a connection when face to face time is so hard to come by. Once a connection has been made a face to face meet up could be arranged with a woman or women you have found you connect with. It is a way to build a foundation and hopefully go from there. I have a really special group of girlfriends I have met online- on a band website. We no longer participate on the band website but have kept up via email and social media. Some of the women have come to visit me and a group of about 4 of them gets together nearly every month despite living in 4 different countries!
Regarding your husband and his long hours and then his decision to not talk to you and work or play games, it sounds like he is not enjoying your company right now. I have a wonderful boyfriend, who has always been supportive and loving, but he has gotten to the point that if he knows I have been drinking he refuses to be around me for his own sake. There have been times where I have not been drunk, just slightly tipsy but with my wits about me and he has come over for dinner or whatever and once realizing I have been drinking decided to leave. I have asked why "but I'm not drunk!" and he says "you change when you are drinking, the only thing you care about is more alcohol, even if you are paying attention to me it is like I am alone" The truth is Marney we are not that fun to be around when we are drinking. I would imagine that if you can stay sober and start feeling more positive things might improve. You can try talking to him about it and get a better feeling for why he prefers to be alone rather than with you.
I am deeply sorry to hear about your infertility. I do not have first hand experience with that but I know several friends who have suffered that. I imagine that right now you are still digesting that knowledge. Probably the most insensitive thing I could do right now would be to point out various other options for motherhood, so I will not remind you of specific examples, only put out there the remote idea that there are other paths.
Have you considered talking to a therapist about this and the other things that are weighing on you? You have had quite a few monumental changes in your life and changes in the direction you thought you were headed. It is not abnormal to be stressed, sad, angry, confused by these things. In the short term though, just staying sober for today will be a step in the right direction and I promise you, will help your mood improve each day.
You are not a pathetic nobody, you are an alcoholic. You have an addiction to alcohol, you have a disease. Being a decent person and being an alcoholic are not mutually exclusive. The problem is, the alcoholism tends to mask the good.
I am in a similar situation, I live on another continent entirely from all of my friends and family. I have been searching for a full time job for over 6 years and am still piecing together an income with random bits of work. I am lonely and bored and stressed and used alcohol to deal with these feelings.
A couple of things, one, the alcohol only makes all of these feelings worse. The times I have been able to stick to staying sober, things have dramatically improved in just a short time.
Not drinking gives you a clear head to confront any issues, more time to get things done, more money to contribute towards positive activities or purchases (coffee out with a friend, buying healthy ingredients to cook with).
As for not having any friends, I feel you, god do I ever feel you. It is such a huge enormous hole in my life. In the 10 years I have been in my new town I have met tons of people with whom I can socialize with briefly while out, but that is it. No one calls me, if I call people to try and reach out and invite them to get together, 99% of the time I get excuses as to why they cannot. I do have one woman with whom I have connected and who I can call in a trying time, but I am starting to get the feeling that I am outwearing my welcome there and am trying to back off a bit.
The thing you need to realize here, and this is important in my opinion, is it is NOT you. It is not even them. It is just the way it is. To make and maintain a real, solid friendship, it takes hours upon hours of continuous time together. Think of the friends you have in your hometown. Where did you meet them? More than likely you met them at school or at work, places where you saw them day after day and spent hours together sharing and experiencing the same things. At our age (I am 36 as well) it is just plain hard to make friends. Joining the running group and meet ups is great, but unless you really, really click with someone, after the activity is over you all go back home to your various and diverse lives. This does not mean you have to be friendless forever, but it does mean that making friends is going to be more difficult and time consuming. It is hurtful and sad to hear that, believe me I know, but it does not mean it is not possible.
An idea might be to find a LOCAL web forum- maybe discussing local politics or town events, a local band or school sports team- and start participating and chatting there. Getting to know someone via the written word is a way to deepen a connection when face to face time is so hard to come by. Once a connection has been made a face to face meet up could be arranged with a woman or women you have found you connect with. It is a way to build a foundation and hopefully go from there. I have a really special group of girlfriends I have met online- on a band website. We no longer participate on the band website but have kept up via email and social media. Some of the women have come to visit me and a group of about 4 of them gets together nearly every month despite living in 4 different countries!
Regarding your husband and his long hours and then his decision to not talk to you and work or play games, it sounds like he is not enjoying your company right now. I have a wonderful boyfriend, who has always been supportive and loving, but he has gotten to the point that if he knows I have been drinking he refuses to be around me for his own sake. There have been times where I have not been drunk, just slightly tipsy but with my wits about me and he has come over for dinner or whatever and once realizing I have been drinking decided to leave. I have asked why "but I'm not drunk!" and he says "you change when you are drinking, the only thing you care about is more alcohol, even if you are paying attention to me it is like I am alone" The truth is Marney we are not that fun to be around when we are drinking. I would imagine that if you can stay sober and start feeling more positive things might improve. You can try talking to him about it and get a better feeling for why he prefers to be alone rather than with you.
I am deeply sorry to hear about your infertility. I do not have first hand experience with that but I know several friends who have suffered that. I imagine that right now you are still digesting that knowledge. Probably the most insensitive thing I could do right now would be to point out various other options for motherhood, so I will not remind you of specific examples, only put out there the remote idea that there are other paths.
Have you considered talking to a therapist about this and the other things that are weighing on you? You have had quite a few monumental changes in your life and changes in the direction you thought you were headed. It is not abnormal to be stressed, sad, angry, confused by these things. In the short term though, just staying sober for today will be a step in the right direction and I promise you, will help your mood improve each day.
Magsie
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26,666
Hi Marney, pretty much what I was gonna say has been covered so I'd like to welcome you to this forum. So pleased you found us. It was my life line when I stopped drinking and I visit here every day.
I know alcohol changed my clarity of thinking so my mind became distorted from actual facts and events.
I hope you stick around. There is a September group for anyone who joined this month, why don't you give it a go.
I know alcohol changed my clarity of thinking so my mind became distorted from actual facts and events.
I hope you stick around. There is a September group for anyone who joined this month, why don't you give it a go.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,432
Hi and welcome Marney
Lots of good advice already - I just wanted to add - you absolutely can get sober.
Even if you were the worst person in the world - and I'm willing to bet you're not - you really can get sober and stay that way. no matter how deep your grief or your sorrow, or even your self loathing..
The support here really helps. I was an all day everyday drinker for several years and SR helped me turn my life around - I know we can help you too
D
Lots of good advice already - I just wanted to add - you absolutely can get sober.
Even if you were the worst person in the world - and I'm willing to bet you're not - you really can get sober and stay that way. no matter how deep your grief or your sorrow, or even your self loathing..
The support here really helps. I was an all day everyday drinker for several years and SR helped me turn my life around - I know we can help you too
D
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: North Texas
Posts: 183
Hey Marney.
Your not alone. It's good to let it all out and this is a perfect place to do so. No one is going to judge you and youll find a lot of people in your same situation with answers and solutions.
I am not married but I've lost girlfriends do to alcohol and it just wasn't the answer. I lost one really good girl after 5 years of dating. I did loose my mother to cancer and that was my trigger but it can't get any worse than that. Congrats on realizing your situation and the dire results of drinking . Keep your head up, stay positive and be thankful for what you do have. SR is here for ya ..
Cheers
Dru -
Your not alone. It's good to let it all out and this is a perfect place to do so. No one is going to judge you and youll find a lot of people in your same situation with answers and solutions.
I am not married but I've lost girlfriends do to alcohol and it just wasn't the answer. I lost one really good girl after 5 years of dating. I did loose my mother to cancer and that was my trigger but it can't get any worse than that. Congrats on realizing your situation and the dire results of drinking . Keep your head up, stay positive and be thankful for what you do have. SR is here for ya ..
Cheers
Dru -
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
Welcome to SR, Marney! I'm glad you found us here. First off it's never as hopeless as it seems when you're in the middle of it. I was pretty bad off too, and I waited longer to quit (didn't stop until my early 40's). There is hope! You're not pathetic, you're not nobody. You're somebody suffering from alcohol. The good news though is that it's possible to change and have a different kind of life.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 1,730
A pathetic nobody? Hardly. We just met you and we ALREADY like you. 
So, be nicer to yourself. You are a good person - who happens to have an alcohol problem - just like the rest of us.
Welcome to SR. I am glad you are here with us.
So, be nicer to yourself. You are a good person - who happens to have an alcohol problem - just like the rest of us.
Welcome to SR. I am glad you are here with us.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 543
Welcome Marney. Can you volunteer somewhere? It can help in a bunch of ways - gets you out of the house, provides additional fodder for resume building, creates interpersonal relationships that might lead to friends, and of course there's the satisfaction that goes with helping others. It's hard to be alone, more importantly FEEL alone, and then the thoughts race. AA meetings also help, jump in even if it hurts (I'm not terribly social, so I have to force myself to do stuff like that). Pulling for you.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,498
Hi Marney,
I'm sorry that you're feeling so down. I, too, relate to living far from family and friends and husband's job being demanding and time-consuming.
One thing that I felt while reading your post is that you are looking for ways to find friends and have people like you. Maybe you should give a shot at trying to be your own friend. Be kind to yourself, treat yourself well, don't resort to name-calling yourself, smile to yourself and learn to enjoy your own company. Those things will not only make you feel better, but will make other people see you in a different light.
And, I definitely agree with the suggestion to find a volunteer position.
I'm sorry that you're feeling so down. I, too, relate to living far from family and friends and husband's job being demanding and time-consuming.
One thing that I felt while reading your post is that you are looking for ways to find friends and have people like you. Maybe you should give a shot at trying to be your own friend. Be kind to yourself, treat yourself well, don't resort to name-calling yourself, smile to yourself and learn to enjoy your own company. Those things will not only make you feel better, but will make other people see you in a different light.
And, I definitely agree with the suggestion to find a volunteer position.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: San Francisco Bay Area
Posts: 319
A lot of support here on SR and great advice already. I can tell you one thing, I would be lost and totally lonely without my little four legged furry friends (my cats). Perhaps a visit to the local shelter?
I would be willing to bet most of us have experienced the same loneliness you are experiencing as it comes with the territory. It sounds like spending time alone and liking/accepting yourself is a first step to your recovery.
I would be willing to bet most of us have experienced the same loneliness you are experiencing as it comes with the territory. It sounds like spending time alone and liking/accepting yourself is a first step to your recovery.
There's a lot of support here for getting sober for good. It's helped me stay sober almost six years now. Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 242
Originally Posted by firstymer 
A pathetic nobody? Hardly. We just met you and we ALREADY like you.
So, be nicer to yourself. You are a good person - who happens to have an alcohol problem - just like the rest of us.
Welcome to SR. I am glad you are here with us.
So, be nicer to yourself. You are a good person - who happens to have an alcohol problem - just like the rest of us.
Welcome to SR. I am glad you are here with us.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Hi Marney - so glad you let some of that pain out. I recognise some of those feeling. The odd thing is that I most of the people who know you personally would be really shocked that you feel that way about yourself.
I second the suggestion about trying different meetings for AA. Re running: the time I find myself chatting most to anyone at running club is when marshalling a club event rather than actually running. Same with AA I suppose: most of the friendly general chatting happens when I'm helping to set up or clear up. Do you have a sponsor and work the steps? If not, I strongly suggest getting one and starting the step work soon. Completing steps up to 5 marked the end of a very painful period for me, and I know others who have had the same experience.
Your post mentions all the ways in which your personal worth is not being appreciated or reflected in others. It would really help if you could get past this need and start to appreciate you for YOU. CoDa has really helped me understand some of this stuff. It could be worth going along to some CoDa (still 12 step, so familiar format for you) meetings, or get a copy of their handbook to read through. I found it very enlightening with regard to my own dependence on others approval, and has helped me start to work more comprehensively on this area than the AA step work does.
I second the suggestion about trying different meetings for AA. Re running: the time I find myself chatting most to anyone at running club is when marshalling a club event rather than actually running. Same with AA I suppose: most of the friendly general chatting happens when I'm helping to set up or clear up. Do you have a sponsor and work the steps? If not, I strongly suggest getting one and starting the step work soon. Completing steps up to 5 marked the end of a very painful period for me, and I know others who have had the same experience.
Your post mentions all the ways in which your personal worth is not being appreciated or reflected in others. It would really help if you could get past this need and start to appreciate you for YOU. CoDa has really helped me understand some of this stuff. It could be worth going along to some CoDa (still 12 step, so familiar format for you) meetings, or get a copy of their handbook to read through. I found it very enlightening with regard to my own dependence on others approval, and has helped me start to work more comprehensively on this area than the AA step work does.
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