Desperate for Advice
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Desperate for Advice
This is my first ever post to this site.
My AG and I started dating in April 2014. We've been together for almost 1.5 years. She's 28 and I'm 38. She's a school teacher and works part-time at a bar on the weekends. I have a very secure job and make more than enough money to live comfortably alone. For her, teaching jobs are very competitive here in California, and since 2014 has stressed about finding a permanent teaching job. In order to help with bills, my AG lives in a house with two 30-year old girls who also work exclusively in the alcohol industry. In fact, they all work part-time at the same bar that my AG works at part-time. One roommate has a previous DUI. The other is a convicted felon (drugs).
2014 was a great year for our relationship. We both liked to drink red wine and craft beer. There was absolutely no problem with drinking. For me, I can take alcohol or leave it. I've gone months without alcohol while I focused on weightlifting or martial arts. I honestly don't like to drink alone, even at home. In January 2015, I began to notice that my AG began drinking more and more. She said it was because of stress from her job and her finances. She would start changing our plans and choose alternate plans that involved alcohol. She would start drinking with her roommates before coming over to my home. When she arrived at my home, she'd go straight to my couch and fall asleep, even when I was cooking dinner for us.
In March 2015, I spoke to my AG about her drinking...telling her that I've noticed an increase and that she is drinking more with her roommates before she sees me later that night. Her answer was that we both had a drinking problem and we needed to quit. So, I did. I quit. After the first week, I was fine. When I told my AG that I hadn't had any alcohol in a week, she was shocked. She, on the other hand, didn't quit drinking at all.
Her parents are divorced. Biological father lives in Montana and biological mother lives in Washington state. Biological father is a recovering alcoholic and is the reason why her mom divorced him. Her mom happily remarried. In April 2015, I met biological mom and step-dad. According to AG, they loved me because. My AG said it was because in the past she dated only "boys" and I was the first "real man" she had ever dated and I could take care of her.
My AG's drinking kept getting worse. I noticed that when she drank with her roommates, she couldn't stop. She acted a lot different towards me when she would start drinking with her friends and then meet up with me, versus if she would drink with me.
In the summer of 2015, she was laid-off from her teaching job and continued to work at the bar. Before she started her shift at the bar, she'd first stop somewhere, drink a beer, then go to work. She'd take shots during her shift, and then have at least one beer after her shift. I pleaded with her to control her drinking because whenever she drank, she became very selfish and mean. In her words, she has "an anger problem and do stupid things when drunk". I told her that I would quit drinking in order to support her. She broke that agreement. I compromised and said that she could drink but only with me. She lied and started drinking behind my back. I've pleaded with her to quit her job at the bar and work elsewhere. She says that she needs to work there because they are flexible with her schedule, and that I do not have any right to ask her to quit working there until we are engaged and I have moved in with her.
Her actions while drunk have gotten progressively worse this year:
Changing our plans for better plans that involve alcohol;
Grabbing my face when it was turned away;
Trashing my bathroom and breaking my clothes hamper;
Letting men from the bar send her flirtatious texts and then lie to me about it;
Finding her asleep on my cement porch at 12:30am;
Filing false police report with the police because I was enforcing my boundaries after I caught her with flirtatious text messages on her phone by making her leave my home.
As of today (9/27/15) I have broken up with her. I cannot take this anymore. But in the past, we have broken up because of her alcohol, only to be reunited again. When she's drunk, she's told me at least seven times: "I have a drinking problem. I need help. I can't stop." The next day, she's back to saying that she doesn't have a problem and only needs to cut-back on the drinking.
Two months ago I spoke with her step-father about her drinking. It came as no surprise to him. The family has known all along that my AG has a drinking problem. He called her an "addict" and that she's been drinking since college. His advice to me was to try and do things that don't involve alcohol. He even said it would be hard because her roommates are also alcoholics and drink all day and night.
I know that she's been under a lot of stress, but she feels entitled to drink because of this. I get so angry at her that I raise my voice, and that's all I do. I will never hurt her. I don't even swear. All I have left is my voice. But when i raise my voice against her drinking, she accuses me of being "controlling" and that I have issues. My friends tell me that I need to leave her, especially after the false police report. And they all warn me that she'll try to come back into my life and that she isn't done with me.
But this is the BIG question I have: Now that I am out of her life and she can drink all that she wants with her roommates, why will she try to come back to me? With me out of her life, she can have it all...her booze, drunk roommates, drunk friends, work at the bar. All of this just does not make sense.
My AG and I started dating in April 2014. We've been together for almost 1.5 years. She's 28 and I'm 38. She's a school teacher and works part-time at a bar on the weekends. I have a very secure job and make more than enough money to live comfortably alone. For her, teaching jobs are very competitive here in California, and since 2014 has stressed about finding a permanent teaching job. In order to help with bills, my AG lives in a house with two 30-year old girls who also work exclusively in the alcohol industry. In fact, they all work part-time at the same bar that my AG works at part-time. One roommate has a previous DUI. The other is a convicted felon (drugs).
2014 was a great year for our relationship. We both liked to drink red wine and craft beer. There was absolutely no problem with drinking. For me, I can take alcohol or leave it. I've gone months without alcohol while I focused on weightlifting or martial arts. I honestly don't like to drink alone, even at home. In January 2015, I began to notice that my AG began drinking more and more. She said it was because of stress from her job and her finances. She would start changing our plans and choose alternate plans that involved alcohol. She would start drinking with her roommates before coming over to my home. When she arrived at my home, she'd go straight to my couch and fall asleep, even when I was cooking dinner for us.
In March 2015, I spoke to my AG about her drinking...telling her that I've noticed an increase and that she is drinking more with her roommates before she sees me later that night. Her answer was that we both had a drinking problem and we needed to quit. So, I did. I quit. After the first week, I was fine. When I told my AG that I hadn't had any alcohol in a week, she was shocked. She, on the other hand, didn't quit drinking at all.
Her parents are divorced. Biological father lives in Montana and biological mother lives in Washington state. Biological father is a recovering alcoholic and is the reason why her mom divorced him. Her mom happily remarried. In April 2015, I met biological mom and step-dad. According to AG, they loved me because. My AG said it was because in the past she dated only "boys" and I was the first "real man" she had ever dated and I could take care of her.
My AG's drinking kept getting worse. I noticed that when she drank with her roommates, she couldn't stop. She acted a lot different towards me when she would start drinking with her friends and then meet up with me, versus if she would drink with me.
In the summer of 2015, she was laid-off from her teaching job and continued to work at the bar. Before she started her shift at the bar, she'd first stop somewhere, drink a beer, then go to work. She'd take shots during her shift, and then have at least one beer after her shift. I pleaded with her to control her drinking because whenever she drank, she became very selfish and mean. In her words, she has "an anger problem and do stupid things when drunk". I told her that I would quit drinking in order to support her. She broke that agreement. I compromised and said that she could drink but only with me. She lied and started drinking behind my back. I've pleaded with her to quit her job at the bar and work elsewhere. She says that she needs to work there because they are flexible with her schedule, and that I do not have any right to ask her to quit working there until we are engaged and I have moved in with her.
Her actions while drunk have gotten progressively worse this year:
Changing our plans for better plans that involve alcohol;
Grabbing my face when it was turned away;
Trashing my bathroom and breaking my clothes hamper;
Letting men from the bar send her flirtatious texts and then lie to me about it;
Finding her asleep on my cement porch at 12:30am;
Filing false police report with the police because I was enforcing my boundaries after I caught her with flirtatious text messages on her phone by making her leave my home.
As of today (9/27/15) I have broken up with her. I cannot take this anymore. But in the past, we have broken up because of her alcohol, only to be reunited again. When she's drunk, she's told me at least seven times: "I have a drinking problem. I need help. I can't stop." The next day, she's back to saying that she doesn't have a problem and only needs to cut-back on the drinking.
Two months ago I spoke with her step-father about her drinking. It came as no surprise to him. The family has known all along that my AG has a drinking problem. He called her an "addict" and that she's been drinking since college. His advice to me was to try and do things that don't involve alcohol. He even said it would be hard because her roommates are also alcoholics and drink all day and night.
I know that she's been under a lot of stress, but she feels entitled to drink because of this. I get so angry at her that I raise my voice, and that's all I do. I will never hurt her. I don't even swear. All I have left is my voice. But when i raise my voice against her drinking, she accuses me of being "controlling" and that I have issues. My friends tell me that I need to leave her, especially after the false police report. And they all warn me that she'll try to come back into my life and that she isn't done with me.
But this is the BIG question I have: Now that I am out of her life and she can drink all that she wants with her roommates, why will she try to come back to me? With me out of her life, she can have it all...her booze, drunk roommates, drunk friends, work at the bar. All of this just does not make sense.
Last edited by riverag; 09-27-2015 at 04:11 PM. Reason: added text
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Probably because on a subconscious level, she knows very well that she's an alcoholic and simply doesn't want to do the work it takes to get sober. Early sobriety is really tough and it is very scary to give up alcohol when you are so dependent on it. Most people don't get sober until it is their only option. It's kind of a waiting game at this point to see what her rock bottom is and when it will make her confront the reality that she can't drink. I'm sure she loves you and in the morning after she wakes up after a night of drinking, she knows you are right and that this has got to stop. I didn't want to be around my "controlling" husband when I was drinking, but when I woke up after a rough night with soul crushing depression caused by alcoholism, I would cling to my husband. If you look at most behaviors, they are usually fear based. I hope she can comes to grips and realize her future is very bleak if she chooses a drinking life. This disease is chronic, progressive and fatal. It is very serious.
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Sounds to me like you have been more than patient. You were on the alcoholic roller coaster. For normal drinkers it boggles the mind what we will do. Why can't we just stop? Why do we do this to ourselves and others? Because we are alcoholics and unless we want to stop more than anything in the world, we won't. Not for jobs, loved ones, kids, health, finances, safety. Nothing. And no one can make us stop. No amount of control will do it. So what do you do? Walk away. Believe me I hate saying that....but if I'm being truly honest, that's what I would tell my child to do if in a similar situation. You tried to support her....she's not ready.
Your question confuses me however. You have friends that say she will try to come back. She may. She may not. Really, does it matter? You have to protect yourself, your boundaries and your quality of life. An active alcoholic is a train wreck....believe, I know
. So it's really about what you're going to do if she does. You can only control you. Now if she enters recovery you can be there to support her as a friend as long as it doesn't effect your life in a negative way. But beyond that I'd give her lots of space to figure this out. I wish you luck and sorry you had to experience this.
Your question confuses me however. You have friends that say she will try to come back. She may. She may not. Really, does it matter? You have to protect yourself, your boundaries and your quality of life. An active alcoholic is a train wreck....believe, I know
. So it's really about what you're going to do if she does. You can only control you. Now if she enters recovery you can be there to support her as a friend as long as it doesn't effect your life in a negative way. But beyond that I'd give her lots of space to figure this out. I wish you luck and sorry you had to experience this.
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If I can add one more thing: During this whole time, I've said to my AG that if she's not done drinking and having "fun" with her roommates, then that's fine. No hard feelings. But she needs to tell me right now so that I can move on and she can move on with her drinking or even find a man from the bar that will get drunk with her and not mind her getting drunk. Her response: "I don't want another guy. I want you. I don't want any guy from the bar. I don't want to date another 'boy' because I have a real 'man' like you."
Again...just doesn't make sense.
Again...just doesn't make sense.
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Originally Posted by Frickaflip233 
Sounds to me like you have been more than patient. You were on the alcoholic roller coaster. For normal drinkers it boggles the mind what we will do. Why can't we just stop? Why do we do this to ourselves and others? Because we are alcoholics and unless we want to stop more than anything in the world, we won't. Not for jobs, loved ones, kids, health, finances, safety. Nothing. And no one can make us stop. No amount of control will do it. So what do you do? Walk away. Believe me I hate saying that....but if I'm being truly honest, that's what I would tell my child to do if in a similar situation. You tried to support her....she's not ready.
Your question confuses me however. You have friends that say she will try to come back. She may. She may not. Really, does it matter? You have to protect yourself, your boundaries and your quality of life. An active alcoholic is a train wreck....believe, I know. So it's really about what you're going to do if she does. You can only control you. Now if she enters recovery you can be there to support her as a friend as long as it doesn't effect your life in a negative way. But beyond that I'd give her lots of space to figure this out. I wish you luck and sorry you had to experience this.
Your question confuses me however. You have friends that say she will try to come back. She may. She may not. Really, does it matter? You have to protect yourself, your boundaries and your quality of life. An active alcoholic is a train wreck....believe, I know
. So it's really about what you're going to do if she does. You can only control you. Now if she enters recovery you can be there to support her as a friend as long as it doesn't effect your life in a negative way. But beyond that I'd give her lots of space to figure this out. I wish you luck and sorry you had to experience this.Why do alcoholics return to their exes once a break-up has occurred?
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Because they want something from you.
Money, security, sex, control, power. All those things she uses with you.
It doesn't matter what she says, pay attention to her actions. Her actions say she prefers to drink, and oh, by the way, she'd like to spend time with you. She doesn't care how you feel about her drinking. Don't let her.
Par for the course with most alcoholics. Self-centered, no empathy for anyone. She's busy feeling sorry for herself.
Money, security, sex, control, power. All those things she uses with you.
It doesn't matter what she says, pay attention to her actions. Her actions say she prefers to drink, and oh, by the way, she'd like to spend time with you. She doesn't care how you feel about her drinking. Don't let her.
Par for the course with most alcoholics. Self-centered, no empathy for anyone. She's busy feeling sorry for herself.
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Originally Posted by Soberween
Probably because on a subconscious level, she knows very well that she's an alcoholic and simply doesn't want to do the work it takes to get sober. Early sobriety is really tough and it is very scary to give up alcohol when you are so dependent on it. Most people don't get sober until it is their only option. It's kind of a waiting game at this point to see what her rock bottom is and when it will make her confront the reality that she can't drink. I'm sure she loves you and in the morning after she wakes up after a night of drinking, she knows you are right and that this has got to stop. I didn't want to be around my "controlling" husband when I was drinking, but when I woke up after a rough night with soul crushing depression caused by alcoholism, I would cling to my husband. If you look at most behaviors, they are usually fear based. I hope she can comes to grips and realize her future is very bleak if she chooses a drinking life. This disease is chronic, progressive and fatal. It is very serious.
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She obviously cares deeply for you....alcoholics aren't the only ones that return to an ex. But it also sounds like you may be a bit of a father figure. There is order, control, maturity, safety. She sounds like she rebels against you as well.....little bit of a tantrum maybe? She seeks the balance, but doesn't know how to live in it because of her addiction. Heck I dunno. But if you are a soft place to land....she'll keep landing there.
. But it also sounds like you may be a bit of a father figure. There is order, control, maturity, safety. She sounds like she rebels against you as well.....little bit of a tantrum maybe? She seeks the balance, but doesn't know how to live in it because of her addiction. Heck I dunno. But if you are a soft place to land....she'll keep landing there.
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You are looking for a logical reason why your girlfriend would turn away from you and choose bar friends, drunk roomates, working at a bar. She is an alcoholic. There is no logic involved. She wants to drink and she will want to keep you around, only if you don't interfere with her drinking. It's sad, but true.
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So this is a tough one. From what I'm reading you ARE being controlling. I get that your efforts to change her, even making rules like 'she can only drink with me', are because you care. But you cannot change her. There is no controlling alcoholism, there is only treatment. And imo, you are a normal guy that isn't equipped to handle this. If you are done with her then be done. If you want to support her as a friend, or even remain her partner, get educated on what alcoholism is and isn't. Al anon is a good source. Some of it is goofy but in the meetings you'll be surrounded by people that will understand your side. There is also a friends and family forum here on SR. Take care of you. If she won't get help this will get worse, guaranteed.
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Originally Posted by Frickaflip233
So this is a tough one. From what I'm reading you ARE being controlling. I get that your efforts to change her, even making rules like 'she can only drink with me', are because you care. But you cannot change her. There is no controlling alcoholism, there is only treatment. And imo, you are a normal guy that isn't equipped to handle this. If you are done with her then be done. If you want to support her as a friend, or even remain her partner, get educated on what alcoholism is and isn't. Al anon is a good source. Some of it is goofy but in the meetings you'll be surrounded by people that will understand your side. There is also a friends and family forum here on SR. Take care of you. If she won't get help this will get worse, guaranteed.
We would sit there and try to come up with ideas. Everything that we have tried had been mutually agreed-upon. In other words, I would ask, "How can I help? What do you need from me?" Her answer: "I don't know."
This is when we would come up with ideas and implement them, only for her to break them and lie about it.
Before I forget...I really do appreciate your taking the time to answer my questions. Thank you.
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riverag,
i suggest you check out the friends and family sections farther down the forum lists. more people there who've been or are in "your boat".
the hardest thing to "get" is that it's not "gettable". it is irrational. compulsion-driven. she's trying to protect her drinking while at the same time knowing she's out of control.
and while this looks extremely personal, it isn't.
none of this is about you.
really!
whether she tries to come back or not...that's for her to decide.
what's yours is to decide how to live your own life without being in a yo-yo relationship with someone who's not willing/able to get themselves together with the help that's available all over the place.
i suggest you check out the friends and family sections farther down the forum lists. more people there who've been or are in "your boat".
the hardest thing to "get" is that it's not "gettable". it is irrational. compulsion-driven. she's trying to protect her drinking while at the same time knowing she's out of control.
and while this looks extremely personal, it isn't.
none of this is about you.
really!
whether she tries to come back or not...that's for her to decide.
what's yours is to decide how to live your own life without being in a yo-yo relationship with someone who's not willing/able to get themselves together with the help that's available all over the place.
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She wants it all. She wants you, she wants drinking to go back to being fun (she doesn't really want to stop yet, she just wants the bad stuff to go away), she wants to continue working at a bar, she wants to continue partying with her roommates etc.
You will not be able to help her or be there for her until she realizes that drinking will never go back to being fun. Until she realizes that the only way to get her life back is to change just about everything about her life.
Nothing in the above two paragraphs involves you. The only thing you can do is protect yourself if she does come back to you. You don't have to continue this relationship just because she shows up on your doorstep when it is convenient for her.
I highly recommend you go to alanon meetings so that you can get some support and advice from other people in your shoes. It sounds like you care very much for her and she's lucky to have you in her corner (which does not necessarily mean a relationship) Take care of yourself.
You will not be able to help her or be there for her until she realizes that drinking will never go back to being fun. Until she realizes that the only way to get her life back is to change just about everything about her life.
Nothing in the above two paragraphs involves you. The only thing you can do is protect yourself if she does come back to you. You don't have to continue this relationship just because she shows up on your doorstep when it is convenient for her.
I highly recommend you go to alanon meetings so that you can get some support and advice from other people in your shoes. It sounds like you care very much for her and she's lucky to have you in her corner (which does not necessarily mean a relationship) Take care of yourself.
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Originally Posted by riverag
Have you, or anybody reading this, ever accused their loved ones of being "controlling" or even having "anger issues" because they were raising their voice at you out of complete and utter frustration at your drinking? In other words, they were so angry and frustrated because they felt like they were losing you and all they could do was just yell and vent at you?
My friends and family began to dislike him the same way your girlfriend's roommates have with you. I wouldn't lie to my friends, but I would definitely only tell the part of the story where my husband appeared to be "controlling" me. Now that I am sober and have several years under my belt, I can see how wrong I was and how lucky I am to have a husband that wasn't afraid to confront me. Your girlfriend is lucky too, she just doesn't know it yet.
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Originally Posted by Frickaflip233
I relate a little too much to your situation....but I'm the alcoholic. Take care of you. It's normal to overthink when your heart is heavy. But I think you know what you need to do. Take care.
You're wondering about her motivations for trying to come back but she hasn't even done that yet. Maybe cross that bridge if you come to it?
Anyway there comes a certain point where anyone says "enough" regardless of the excuse for the behavior. You've said it.
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I also accused my husband of trying to control me when he spoke about my drinking. I also told he I had drank because he told me not to...
I just want to tell you that you have done her a great favor. Maybe now that she lost you she will realize that she has to get sober. Set boundaries and stick to them. As said before. It only gets worse and it's up to the person to decide to quit.
Welcome to the group.
I just want to tell you that you have done her a great favor. Maybe now that she lost you she will realize that she has to get sober. Set boundaries and stick to them. As said before. It only gets worse and it's up to the person to decide to quit.
Welcome to the group.
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