MidnightBlue

Hi, all.

I've been a "resident" quite a while here and I am about 2 weeks short of being 3 years sober.

I've been through a lot during this time, but turning to a drink as an escape is not an option any more (for newcomers - it does get easier).

Anyway, to make a long story short - I feel deeply and constantly inadequate. Not belonging anywhere. Like "in public" I am playing roles - and in my heart don't believe in any of this. I don't know, if it makes sense.

3 months ago I got a new job - after a long period of free-lancing, and after a certain period of financial nightmare. And I can't complain about it - I like my job. But every day I am scared to get fired and don't even know why.
When I meet my immediate boss - who wears kind of constant gloomy face - I always feel like the reason is me.

I constantly feel like at some moment someone will take away everything what is good in my life - "time is up. time to get real".

Of all the years of killing fear my feelings are crippled and dead. I can't reanimate them. And somehow feeling of fear and panic survived and recur again and again, day after day.

I am just so tired. I don't care about anything, and still freaking out. I so want just live...I can't burn myself out any more.

2 weeks ago I even wrote a will so I wouldn't be afraid to die. And I am not. And still I am hell scared to make mistake at work. Does it make any sense?

I hate every day, because doesn't matter how good it starts, it will inevitably end in the prison built by fear where I can't breathe.

Some time ago I had to make photos for documents, and it almost made me cry looking at the person I became. Those eyes...That look - sad and desperate, burnt out with pain. Is that it?

I feel like destroying myself to the point where there is noting to lose any more, because otherwise fear has always tremendous leverage over me.

I don't know what to do. I don't drink. I meditate. I exercise. And I feel inadequate and not fit for anything good in life.

I ruthlessly destroy my goals and my dreams because I think that "no way a person like me can achieve it" , and I can't stand it, and it's easier to kill a dream. But dreams don't die easily - they come back again and again. And it take pain to kill them again.

I am an atheist, I don't believe in hell , but feel pretty much in it - no particular reason to feel acute pain at the moment, but something erodes me . And I feel like I'm losing myself.

Thank you all for listening.

courage2

I'm sorry MB. You've been through so much. But I'm sure you're not losing your self. You have a strong and present self. Which is very good and sensitive and growing all the time, even underneath the level where your fears are.

growpath

Thank you for posting this today, MB.

First of all, HUGS!

Have you spoke to a doctor about this?

I really do not have any advice except to keep reaching for things that make you a bit happy. I know happiness does take work.

I am in the same shoes as you. I get it, totally! I could have wrote this post in a lot of ways. I am glad you see drinking is not an option. That's great! For me, it is one thing that leads me to relapse, as I am floating for a bit then BOOM what you describe above is my life

The only advice I can offer that helps me is just constantly telling myself the best days of my life have not come yet, and that the best thing could be around any corner. And trying with all my might to live in the moment. When I think about the past or future this feeling (as described in your post) intensifies immensely....

I am looking forward to advice posted here, not only for you but for myself as well.

Just remember you are not alone.

Super tight hugs xoxox

Andante

Very sorry you are going through this.

I have roughly the same amount of sober time as you do and have been going through much the same thing -- constant feelings of inadequacy and an inability to feel joy or passion. One difference between us is that you have the courage and facility to write about it, and I don't!

I will say that it helps me to try to view the problem from the perspective of brain chemistry rather than something *I* am doing "wrong." The existence of other symptoms, some of them purely physiological, support this notion.

In very rough unscientific terms, it seems like a few of us whose brains were susceptible managed to "burn out" our pleasure centers with alcohol, leaving us chronically prone to anxiety, depression, and other negative feelings.

Of course, that shouldn't stop us from doing all we can to promote positive feelings as we are able. I do what I can. I'm not in AA, as I'm not a "program person" nor a "people person," but I do try to live my life according to the principles which underlie the 12 Steps, and it helps.

There's also the medical approach -- forgive me if you've covered this in other threads, but have you seen a doctor regarding whether you might be suffering from a treatable clinical depression?

least

silentrun

I'm sorry MB.

Jeni26

Oh my friend I'm so sorry. You just cannot see what a beautiful intelligent and kind person you are can you?

You are doing all the right things, you don't drink or smoke and you eat well and exercise. Now, I'm not a Doctor, but I do think you need help with coping with this depression that cripples you. I know doctors and therapists cost money, and your financial situation has been difficult, but I honestly believe that with the right medication and therapy, you could start to regain your life.

We have shared a lot in the past you and I, and you know that I've suffered from the same traumas. I have PTSD, a dissociative disorder and have had an eating disorder.

I have had years of counselling and help with antidepressants and it has quite literally changed my life. I just wish there was a way that you could experience the same.

You are a lovely person MB. With your new job, is this something you are able to explore now? ❤️

MidnightBlue

Thank you, all.

I saw a doctor some time ago, was on meds for a year, First they seemed to help, but after a year I couldn't tell for sure.

MidnightBlue

Thank you, Jeni)

Debts still eat a lot of my earning, but, probably, I need to allocate finances to help myself. It's just hard - to take care of myself.

ClearLight

So sorry to hear you're going through this.
Seems to me it's pretty natural you would be very concerned about a new job. Especially after going through a crappy financial period doing freelance.
I'm about to lose my job in a few months, (the company is closing), and I may well be wiped out financially even if I can get free lance work. The life I have put together will be gone.
It's hard just to get out of bed.
Other people have suggested you seek therapy and talking to a doctor about an antidepressant. I will echo that.
Also there is a really good thread about fear that is active either now:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ling-fear.html
Please just do the best you can. The fear can paralyze you. That doesn't do you any good.

MidnightBlue

So sorry to hear about your job,(( ClearLight.))

Thank you for kind words.

D122y

I believe everything you feel. It is a good day to offer this to you.

I am not a religious nut. I go to church on occasion. But, I believe.

There are an awful lot of smart people that believe in a higher power. God.

In that belief, if you are not being guided by God, you are being consumed by the other one. I prefer not even to say the name.

I pray constantly. Only that eases my pain.

If you can just talk with a Christian and really try to get saved, it will change your life for the better.

Honestly, it sounds like you have nothing to lose.

PennyLane76

Sometimes you need a meds holiday or switch to something different. Worth a try? You are worth it.

Anna

Midnight Blue, I felt much like you do in the years before I began drinking. I felt like everyone else had things figured out and I didn't and never would. That led to terrible depression and turning to alcohol to help. I knew that I wouldn't be able to stop drinking until my mind shifted away from those negative thoughts. I found 'The Seat of the Soul' by Gary Zukav helped me to believe that I am a worthwhile person and deserve a good life. You are too and you deserve a good life. We all do.

Roxyblues

Don't believe anything negative the alcoholic brain says. It ain't true.

courage2

I think you should talk to a dr again. If you're not ingesting substances that alter your mental health, and you've been sober a good while, and you still find yourself consumed with thoughts and feelings you know are irrational, working with a doctor can be very helpful.

Weasel1966

helpimalive

I agree with those who have said going back to a doctor and trying again could be very helpful.

In addition tho, have you heard of imposter syndrome? If you haven't, it's where you can't believe you deserve the things you've earned in your life or accomplished, and you're afraid of being "found out" as an imposter. From what you wrote, sounds like you might relate to those who have that? Sorry if this seems random.

teatreeoil007

I agree with others here...can you get into a Dr. again...and get a good check-up including thyroid. I've struggled with depression and my Dr. had to change my meds around until we got the right one working right, if that makes sense.

Good job on your sobriety. You should feel very good about that! I've always wondered too (echoing what someone already posted) if I've abused my brain so much that I'm going to have to work harder to feel happy. I have found that regular exercise, good diet and plenty of sleep are key factors....It sounds like to me you are already doing some good things ...

MidnightBlue

Thank you all, again.

It's morning at my place, and I am having coffee getting ready for work. It was so good to find all your supportive posts.

Helpmealive - thank you so much for your "random" note! I've read about this and it absolutely hit home! That is me, that is what I think of myself in every area of life - work, social communication, relationships, even relationships with myself...Unbelievable.