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Conflicted about cutting ties with addicted (but high-functioning) parent



Conflicted about cutting ties with addicted (but high-functioning) parent

Old 09-27-2015, 11:22 AM
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Conflicted about cutting ties with addicted (but high-functioning) parent

Hi all – First post here, so please excuse the length! I want to thank you in advance because I’ve already found great advice, consolation, and insight from the stories you all have shared.

I am an only child (early 30s), and my mother is an addict. My parents have done everything possible to keep this addiction a secret from everyone, especially me. Although the addiction started before I was born, my parents did not tell me about it until about 5 years ago. No one in my extended family knows.

I was fortunate to grow up an incredibly loving environment – my parents had (and have) a strong, stable marriage, and they did everything possible to support me. In short, the three of us were very, very close until the addiction really came to light to me.

In my early 20s, I started seeing signs of the addiction: slow and slurred speech, trouble walking, laughing/speaking out of context. There were a few especially scary incidents where she passed out on the floor, totally unresponsive.

My parents are both in denial about this being an “addiction.” There is also major codependency, and my dad is a huge enabler (shields her from consequences of her addition, etc.).

What I’m really struggling with is that she’s seemingly normal and high functioning most of the time. For many years, I tried to just accept the good stuff (love, guidance, etc.) when she could offer it and then detach when she was using to excess. (I say “using to excess” rather than “using” because I think she “uses” every day. In other words, her baseline normal is still using.) However, I have realized in the past year that riding this roller coaster through periods of normalcy followed by chaos where her addiction is very apparent is just not healthy for me. I feel like I’ve been slapped/kicked in the face when she portrays a façade of calm and happiness one minute and then is stumbling and incoherent the next.

I’ve started confronting her when I suspect she’s using to excess. Although she once admitted to having a problem (which she later retracted), confronting her generally triggers a chain reaction of anger, denial, and defensiveness from her and my dad. Her MO is a combination of: 1. deny (“I can keep it under control”), 2. justify (“it was the 60s when I started—everyone was doing it”), 3. self-victimize (“you’re so tough on me and I’ve been trying so hard not to overdo it”), or 4. deflect (“it’s like you’re the police; stop monitoring me all the time”). My dad’s MO is to back her up whatever she says and then whenever she has an “episode” he’ll say to me “don’t mention this to her.” As you can imagine, this has put a huge strain on my relationship with them.

Within the past few weeks I’ve basically cut all ties with my parents, which has been devastating to me. We used to talk at least once a day – if not two or three times a day – and see each other frequently (we live very close).

At this point I’m trying to determine whether I want to give them an ultimatum that unless she actually seeks help, I wont’ have a relationship with them. I’ve read about ultimatums on the forum, and I know how crucial it is to hold up the “or else” end of the bargain. Even though I really want off the roller-coaster, I’m conflicted because I miss them very much and I know that the odds of her actually getting help are super low given that (1) the addiction has been going on for 40ish years (2) my parents are both in denial. In other words, I'm wondering whether I should kick a lot of good stuff to the curb just because there's some bad -- really bad -- stuff.

I’m in a 12-step program and am trying to build a friend network for support, but it’s still an everyday battle to overcome this paralyzing sadness/depression. I’m also experiencing a budding sense of abandonment and rejection. Even though I’ve told my parents it’s best not to have contact at this point, I guess I was hoping that they’d insist on reaching out to show that they’re there for me. Alas, no such luck.

If anyone can relate or share any insights/experience, I would so appreciate it. One thing I’ve learned in program is that I’m not alone, which is truly a gift. THANK YOU!!
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Old 09-27-2015, 03:26 PM
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I'm sorry that you are struggling so with your mom's addiction and your dad's enabling , but you have come to a great place for support.

It's been my experience that ultimatums aren't very effective if the motivation is to change someone else's behavior. In other words, losing you, sadly isn't a magic means to have mom and dad get help. I wish it was. You'll probably read quite a bit here about "boundaries," and the concept is to establish boundaries for what is both safe and healthy for you, rather than change someone else.

I think it was great that your recognized that being on the roller coaster wasn't healthy for you. Maybe for now, as you work on taking care of your own needs, making a final choice on whether to maintain contact is something that can wait for a bit? If you make a choice to cut ties forever in hopes of changing your parents, I'm afraid you will be hurt and disappointed. If we could love our addicted loved ones into recovery - or threaten them into it, or find the best possible ultimatum, I don't think there would be a need for this forum.

Two things that helped me tremendously as I dealt with the effects of having addiction in my life were to think about my motives, and if they were ultimately about trying to change someone but myself, to step back and wait; and to realize that the impact of addiction on my life, and my own traits that needed some work didn't happen overnight, so I should try to take little steps to work on me and try not be too impatient with myself.

It sounds like you are taking great steps to help yourself. Perhaps considering adding some counseling to help with addressing the abandonment and sadness may be something to consider as well? I hope you'll continue to read and post here - there are many folks like you who understand what you are going through. There is also a forum here for adult children of alcoholics and addicts you may wish to explore.
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Old 09-27-2015, 03:49 PM
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Thank you, greeteachday. Those are some excellent suggestions! Although it's difficult to accept, my NarAnon and AlAnon programs have taught me that I cannot compel her or my dad to action or change by abstaining from contact. I think that's why I feel like I'm facing two equally bad choices: (1) Cut off ties knowing that she's probably never going to get help. This has the advantage of getting me off the roller-coaster, but the distinct disadvantage of inflicting feelings of sadness, abandonment, and loneliness that aren't really necessary (in other words, a lot of times things between me and my parents can be really great) OR (2) Continue contact knowing that she's probably never going to admit she has a problem or get help. This has the advantage of salvaging what up has been, for the vast majority of my life, my most fulfilling and joyful relationships. But then I'm back on the roller-coaster.

In sum, option (1) will be a lot of and option (2) will be a lot of . I guess I'm really trying to determine which has less net negative impact on me.
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Old 09-28-2015, 02:52 PM
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You are past the first hurdle, which is understanding that YOU cannot make your parents, or anyone else change. It's a sad reality that giving her an ultimatium may not do a thing. That is the reality, and I hope you are able to face that. Be prepared for your father to reach out in the future as he will have problems handling her as it progresses, which is normally does should they not seek recovery for themselves.

Keep coming back to SR. You are definitely not alone, and will get lots of good support here!
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