frannie

As many of you know, our A daughter got of jail after a stay of 8 days on Monday. Part of her probation was that she live with us. She stayed at our home Monday night, but we haven't seen her since. She calls in and finally came by with 2 friends yesterday because I threatened her to tell her probation officer. This is basically her first weekend out of jail. She called us tonight around 2:30, too drunk and high on pills to barely talk. She was driving and had driven to a church and stopped and called us. She did not really know where she was. She was slurring her words so badly that we could hardly understand her. We located the church, told her to lock the doors and stay in car until we could get there. When we got there she could not even talk. could not walk. I drove her home where it took both my husband and I to drag her into the house. She was taking alcohol and mixing it with drugs...or she may have been doing cocaine (her new addiction). She was as bad as I have ever seen her. I think that we have no choice but to call her probation officer and have her put back in jail. She obviously did not learn anything from her first stay there. i am afraid she will kill herself or some innocent other person if she continues as she is. We cannot trust her to do what she says she is going to do. She knew and said that she would have to earn our trust back. Down the drain there. I personally do not want to even go to court when she is sentenced and taken back to jail. Her father and I sitting in court only helps her. I think she needs more drug rehab but she has no insurance and all her other expenses has delpleted our savings and much of my husbands mutual funds that were for retirement. We cannot afford the thousands of dollars that rehab costs. Hence a jail cell is the only optiion I see available. We could probably take out a second mortgage on our home but so far, I have not been willing to do that. I know that she doesn't want to go to rehab and i know that only the most determined people ever turn it around in rehab and we cannot afford to keep sending her. Please help me, I need your advice. Should I call her probation officer and tell her what happened tonight and thus get her put back in jail for several months???Should we give her yet another chance, never trusting her to come home aive each time she leaves? Please, please, advise me on how to handle this situation. I need you now. We will have to decide by Tuesday. Please pray for God to tell me what to do and pray than I lsifon

Ann

Frannie

I am so sorry that she is struggling so hard and I know the pain of being a parent and watching.

My opinion? Something has to be done. She has broken probation and sending her back would rest on her shoulders, not yours. Jail is better than this, she is living a very dangerous life right now. Sending her back would be a logical consequence to her action and at least she would be safe for a while.

Also, for now or later, I posted before but perhaps you missed it....the Salvation Army Rehab is second to none, an excellent program that costs nothing!!! There are others that are scaled to what you can afford and you'd have to check around, but I know the SA program is free and a good program.

Sending prayers for all of you, Frannie.

Hugs
Ann

splendra

((((((Frannie)))))))-

Bless your Heart I know this is hurting you so much. What Ann said is good advice. But, are you and your husband going to any meetings? A once a week visit to this site is not enough for ya'll right now. Believe me you need recovery just as bad as she does. You need to take the focus off of her a some point and get it on yourself. If you are so concerned about her it leaves no room for her to be concerned about her it is still enabling and you are still taking responsibility for her...

If you do have her locked up again there is going to be furtile ground for her to be more focused on what you did to her than what she is doing to herself. Resentment runs high in addictions Fran and it seems to me like she trying to teach you a lesson right now. Does she have access to a car? Is it yours? Oh Fran take your heart out of this situation and realize that you are dealing with a demon from hell not your daughter!!!

Rella927

Frannie

I too am so sorry for your struggling- Ann is 100% on the money with the Salvation Army Rehab. My brother entered there 7 months ago and has been sober every since. He works for them during the day and attends meetings at night. It has to be by far the most excellent program as Ann has said that I have seen.

My brother lost his job of 25 years, his marriage of 26 years and his children. He was to the point that he rigged up the windshield wiper line in his truck and fed it through to the glove compartment and filled the wiper compartment with Vodka. He was bleeding from his liver, was on his 2 DUI, got kicked out of his apartment (after losing his home) then my one brother took him and he got kicked out of there via the police, then on to my parents and then blew it there, put in jail approx. 4 times, the hospital countless times, rehab three times and I have to say by all of us finally detaching ourselves from him and allowing him to find his own way-I thank God for the Salvation Army and for helping my brother finally see the light. I have not heard or spoke to him the way that I do now probably since I was around 10 years old. It is amazing how far in such a short time that the Salvation Army program has helped him and others.

It is a struggle to let those we love go...especially a child I'm sure ( I do not have children but I'm sure it is heart wrenching) You will know in your gutt the right thing to do such as i.e. probably put her back in jail...-the pain stops eventually and coming here and going to an Al-Anon meeting are things to really look to do for yourself-

God Bless (((Hugs)))

JT

Fran,

I try to not do things I might end up regretting. I think I would regret actively being a part of sending my child back to jail. Having said that she cannot stay in your home...what you are doing is not helping her one bit. Bailing her out, paying fines, giving her the shirts off your back haven't changed a thing have they?

Let's keep this very simple. Think about all the money you have spent. Think about the number of times you have done that. If throwing money at the problem would fix it, believe me, the Beav would not be in jail right now.

You have to understand that you cannot DO anything. Your daughter is the only one who can fix this. You cannot chain her to her bed...it is not legal. Any money you give her goes up her nose. Any food you give her leaves her more money to put up her nose. Fill her car with gas?? She has another $20...and guess what she is going to do with it? Buy her a coat? You better take the tags off...that is the reality of it.

The best thing I can offer is that you don't have to do anything today...you don't have to put her in the street or kick her out...today. But you better start making a plan that does not involve a second mortgage. There is no way a court can order that an adult child live with the parents...and if they did you have the option to refuse. You can call the PO office and flat out tell them that she can't stay with you...put it back in their hands.

I will be praying for you and hope to see you around here more,
JT

Magichappens

((frannie))
I don't have kids, so I don't begin to tell you what to do. But my heart and prayers go out to you and your family. Hugs, Magic

frannie

Thanks for the speedy answers. Spendra, do you mean that putting her back in jail would cause her to transfer her anger at her mistakes from herself to us.? She always finds someone else to blame so that would be the pattern of behavior. One of her friends (who truly is a friend) said that putting her in the county jail would be locking her up with the same riff raff she is running around with now. And this person said that Jailhouse bonds can be strong ones. Lord, i want to get her away from these people..not put her in a cell with them. She is still sleeping and i am interested to hear her side of the story. I have talked to 2 of her friends who told a very different story than the one she barely could mumble to me. She does have a few (as in 3 or 4) real friends (probably 3). I am glad that we don't have to make any decisions right this minute. We do have a day or so to think about it. JT, you make the comment that you could never be a part of having your child sent to jail...I used to think that...I still do to a certain extent. But if her behavior does not change immediately, I will not bat an eye to send her back to jail. You people are right...she will at least be safe in jail..and I fear she will kill herself or some innocent person. i have had so little sleep in the last few days that i can't think very well right now. I think her father will support whatever decision I make (although he does not seem to feel comfortable with the jail part). I will definitely check out the Salvation Army rehab programs. They almost sound too good to be true. Thank you for that information. Please pray that I make the right decisions and that God will bless her in the future. Thank all of you again.

Gabe

((((Frannie))))
Get some rest. I will say a prayer that HP will send you the wisdom to make the right decision.
Sending some love and light your way,
Gabe

noifs2day

Sending prayers your way.
((hugs))

amarie

Frannie, maybe you could leave the choice up to her-- go into rehab or back to jail. Tell her those are her only two options. Put it all in her hands and let her make the decision. It's her life, her choice. That's why they call it tough love. Maybe this is the only way she can get the help she needs. I'll pray for all of you that she makes the right decision.

Sigh

Hi Frannie,

I'm sorry to hear about your daughter.

My son, Michael is 26 years old addicted to heroin. Things got really bad about 4 months ago and I ended up driving him to and dropping him on the steps of a free state run detox center, from there he went into the salvation army program which was excellent. He lived there, he worked there, he told me they had excellent food, he received medical care and counseling. This was all free. I also think if she is sentenced to jail she can request to be placed within the Salvation army program instead, but I'm not totally sure on that.

I also paid out a lot of money before I finally realized it would never end. I will no longer spend money on my son's addiction, court, bills, etc. it did him no good anyway.

Please don't second mortage your house, the money will just disappear and the problems will remain. I kept trying to save my son over and over again, it only allowed him to continue to use.

Warm hugs
sigh

Sigh

Frannie,
I wanted to add, she's safer in jail then she is driving on the road in the condition she was in.

sigh

cwohio

prayers and hugs your way frannie!

cwohio

redrose0729

Do you have to be present at her meetings with he PO if so let her know you will not lie for her if you are asked you should tell the truth. She has to take the consequences of her actions. I would definately check out the Salvation army rehab. Thank God she did have the since to call you instead of continuing to risk lives by driving in the condition she was in. I will pray for you and your family .
Rose

frannie

:sink I took a brief nap this afternoon. The daughter has yet to wake up...I did go into her room a little while ago just to check to see if she was still alive or had died sometime over the night.(that is what happened to the two young men who died in the last year...their friends were just letting them "sleep it off". She is breathing but certainly not fine. I have gone on line and made inquiries about the Salvation Army Rehab program...from what I have been able to ascertain so far...it is only for MEN. Someone out there please tell me I am wrong. They have 2 rehab centers here in Tennessee but they are for men only (or so it seems to say in thier advertisements. ) Please, if anyone knows of a women's program..please let me know where. I will begin making my phone calls on Tuesday since everyone is out for Labor Day.
I have decided that you are right...we should not take out a second mortgage on our home...we have spent enough and deserve some peace in retirement. I do think that we shall try to help her move out and live with her girl friend. That gets her out of our house...and then God can do what he must and maybe we won't grieve so terribly everyday from just seeing what used to be our beautiful daughter. I have decided that i cannot have a direct and obvious hand in her going back to jail...she will hate me forever if I do that and Splendra was right...she would spend her time in jail hating us and no taking responsibility at all. She is very good at finding someone to blame. It will not be long before she gets sent back to jail on her own, if that is God's will...she may end up dead or kill someone else and spend a long time in jail. I cannot stop those events from happening and they worry me sick...my stomach is not accepting food today...i just feel so sick to my stomach. I talk so positively about God and His will, but i don't know what i feel about that...his plan so far has been disasterous. He took my mother from me when I was only 16 and needed her so much...and now He is making my relationship as a mother the most painful and grief-stricken experience I have ever had. So I wonder about the reality of a gentle and caring God. My religion has definitely taken a hit or two. And this has not been an overnight thing...I have gradually stopped praying as hard and as much. I know that that is not right but i can't seem to figure out why. i just wish this ends soon...one way or another. I don't know how much more I can take.
I need to go, typing through tears just won't do. My husband will be back soon and i don't want him to worry about me as well as our daughter.

brightlight

but wanted to say I am thinking about you. I agree that you should not take out the second mortgage. My husband's family has a lot of different members on drugs and my best friend had her son in jail for 4 years because of it. She said her son put himself in a program and went for help. He has been out now for about 2 months and so far is okay. He said he was going to drink and not take drugs. His father was an alcoholic and I hope that does not happen to him, but he is off drugs. Other family members have been helped and still do not stop. Jail, different types of programs, children being taken away, but nothing works. I do not my husband's niece blamed others for her problems and not herself. Not sure what I would do, but I think if I made rules for the house and they were broken then I would make them leave. I would not help with money. I would go to pick them up like you did if needed and help that way. I think there is a lot of help to be had with prayer. I know we do not get the answers we want. I lost my mother the first part of last month and I know she is in a better place. I miss her a lot. My daughter prays every night that her dad will stop drinking and I do not think God is ignoring her, but I think my husband needs to ask for help, but also it takes physically doing something from us and not waiting for miracles. I do not understand the why of everything with prayer either, but there is a reason for prayer or Jesus would not have told us to pray. Hope she gets better soon.

brightlight

Also about prayer I think that maybe we get answers and do not know it if we do not listen to our conscious. Like health, maybe we have high blood pressure or something and we ask God to fix it, but we do not read the email or magazine article about healthy eating and then we may listen to the wrong person about diet. I eat coconut oil because of things I have heard about it, but others websites and people will tell me it will clog my arteries. Not sure where I am going with this, but I think God does answer prayers.

jojo

Call you community help line. They should be able to point you in the right direction. Your state or county should have programs available to her since she is an adult and unemployed. Someone suggested to you that you tell her that she either goes into treatment or back to jail. I agree with that suggestion because she is the one that has to make the decision and not you.

My prayers are with you all.

Hugs, Jo

splendra

(((((Frannie)))))-

Honey I feel so much for you. Why are you going to call for rehab????? It sounds like you still think you can make decissions for her and it won't work. Only she can make these choices that you are trying to make for her. If you force her into any situation other than out of your house and let her decide where she is going you will end up being the bad guy. I know you want to save her but, it looks like she is making it clear that she does not want you to save her Fran can't you see that? If she wanted you to save her she would do what you say to do ya know....

Right now God is not in control you are and she is. Ultimatly God is in control. I believe his will is going to be done. It is up to us to decide to seek His will. We have free will!!!! I am so sorry that your mom died when you were young. I do not know the circumstances surrounding your moms death but, I do know that God gives life. It is real easy to say if God was good then He would not do this or that. The thing is that everyones life is made up of choices your daughter is making choices and you are too. It is your will that your daughter gets clean but obviously her agenda does not include being sober this is not God's fault. God's will is that you seek Him not worship your daughters illness..... Think about it if instead of worrying and fretting over your daughter you were putting all that energy into seeking God or helping someone who really needs and wants the help how much better would your life be if someone was thanking you and God that you helped them.

You pull up some kind of passion in me Frannie I have been where you are and I know how painful it is but, I tell ya it wasn't until I stopped worshiping my drug addicted husbands and siblings addiction thinking I could make them get clean that I got out of the pain.... they still do what they do.... I but, I don't love their sickness anymore and you know what they aren't as bad as they used to be and my H and my sis are actually getting much better and have both been clean for a while now my sis for 4 months and my H for 1 month. I tell ya I was in the lowest pit of hell with them it was terrible and I hope you can come out of there too girl. I am still praying for my 2 brothers and your daughter and learning to keep my hands off of their business.....

JT

((((Frannie))))

As long as you take her problems on as your own you will never have any peace. None of this is easy...there are no clear cut answers. I have been where you are....trying to make decisions for a person who will not cooperate with how I think he should live. It never ever works. I am powerless over drugs and alcohol. When I fired myself as queen my life got a whole lot better. My son is still doing his thing and my misery never changed his course one bit.

Hugs,
JT