Concersation with AH
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: California
Posts: 143
** oops "conversation" - could not seem to edit posting title
Hi,
I wanted to share about something I did. I've been married to an HFA for 16+ years now and we have 2 kiddos (eight and five). We started out as drinking buddies, and long story short, I stopped drinking August 2014. I've always known DH was an alcoholic, and over the last 3 years I have periodically expressed concern to him about his drinking. The last conversation was 3 weeks ago but it's like it never happened because he still binge drank last weekend and more this week.
Anyway, the thing that has never come to the surface is the actual truth - that he's an alcoholic. So last night I actually said it - "you're an alcoholic and you need to stop drinking." I realize my saying it will not change him - he must do that when/if he's ever ready. But for me it was like unearthing the truth because that concept has never been mentioned between us. I'm certain it's a concept that he has (and still is) in denial about. But at least now it's been said. The truth has been spoken. Saying it was the hardest thing I've ever done. But I said it. I don't feel good about it, but I know it needed to happen. I have kept that truth buried in my own mind and in our relationship for so long.
I also set the boundary that "I can no longer live with you binge drinking in our home.." And I gave a couple of reasons. Not sure how that will turn out, but it was a huge step for me to say it like that.
Okay thanks for reading. I welcome any and all thoughts on how to navigate these waters because I feel so uncertain and lost. PerSe
Hi,
I wanted to share about something I did. I've been married to an HFA for 16+ years now and we have 2 kiddos (eight and five). We started out as drinking buddies, and long story short, I stopped drinking August 2014. I've always known DH was an alcoholic, and over the last 3 years I have periodically expressed concern to him about his drinking. The last conversation was 3 weeks ago but it's like it never happened because he still binge drank last weekend and more this week.
Anyway, the thing that has never come to the surface is the actual truth - that he's an alcoholic. So last night I actually said it - "you're an alcoholic and you need to stop drinking." I realize my saying it will not change him - he must do that when/if he's ever ready. But for me it was like unearthing the truth because that concept has never been mentioned between us. I'm certain it's a concept that he has (and still is) in denial about. But at least now it's been said. The truth has been spoken. Saying it was the hardest thing I've ever done. But I said it. I don't feel good about it, but I know it needed to happen. I have kept that truth buried in my own mind and in our relationship for so long.
I also set the boundary that "I can no longer live with you binge drinking in our home.." And I gave a couple of reasons. Not sure how that will turn out, but it was a huge step for me to say it like that.
Okay thanks for reading. I welcome any and all thoughts on how to navigate these waters because I feel so uncertain and lost. PerSe
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Well you "went there" and now he knows where you stand. He will most likely calm it down for awhile then slowly get right back into the same groove. Are you ready to uphold your boundary? If not it will be seen by him as just an empty threat. Good luck!
aka Nesty
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Northern Vt.
Posts: 1,554
PerSe Good for you for putting it out in the open . Refiner post is spot on !!
I've been in a relationship for almost 5 years , we drank together . I quit he didn't ( we don't live together ) but I had to lay boundaries . I didn't stick to them , he almost caused me to relapse dealing with his feel sorry for me attitude . They will push the limits if you let them .
Stick to it give him no lead way or you'll fall back into the same old life ...
Stay Strong you can do this
I've been in a relationship for almost 5 years , we drank together . I quit he didn't ( we don't live together ) but I had to lay boundaries . I didn't stick to them , he almost caused me to relapse dealing with his feel sorry for me attitude . They will push the limits if you let them .
Stick to it give him no lead way or you'll fall back into the same old life ...
Stay Strong you can do this
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Do you have a plan for enforcing your boundary?
Alanon meetings are a good place to find support for yourself as you deal with this situation. It's really hard when you are living with the chaotic ups and downs of a binge drinking alcoholic. Alanon can help you step off the roller coaster of his disease and help you take care of yourself.
Alanon meetings are a good place to find support for yourself as you deal with this situation. It's really hard when you are living with the chaotic ups and downs of a binge drinking alcoholic. Alanon can help you step off the roller coaster of his disease and help you take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 774
One thing about codependency is that we tend to live in the sub reality right along with our alcoholics. Saying it out loud and being honest about this reality is a great step towards your own recovery. I think when I finally said it out loud, it was like I had woken up from some dark, wierd dream....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
LemonGirl-I couldn't have said it better. I lived in a sub reality, depressive angry state for years....it wasn't until I uttered the words in my first alanon meeting-my husband is an alcoholic and I (ME) need help....things started getting better for me. I too had my own issues with drinking which is why I quit over three years ago. Got to break those chains and generational curses and protect your kids-regardless. Peace and love to you!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: California
Posts: 143
All, thanks so much for your thoughts. I do need to give alanon another try. I know that saying what I said was just one painful step and that it won't be the last.
This morning he says to me "I will set a 2 drink limit for myself." He's never actually set a limit for himself before so I guess I am going along with that even though I don't have hope that this will work for longer than a few weeks or sooner if he sneaks drinks. He actually has never tried to limit his drinks so maybe it deserves a chance??
If he actually could stick to a 2-drink limit I would be okay with that but the truth is I just feel more lost now because I don't know what to do when it fails. And I know if will fail. I may try another alanon meeting soon.
Thank you for reading.
PerSe
This morning he says to me "I will set a 2 drink limit for myself." He's never actually set a limit for himself before so I guess I am going along with that even though I don't have hope that this will work for longer than a few weeks or sooner if he sneaks drinks. He actually has never tried to limit his drinks so maybe it deserves a chance??
If he actually could stick to a 2-drink limit I would be okay with that but the truth is I just feel more lost now because I don't know what to do when it fails. And I know if will fail. I may try another alanon meeting soon.
Thank you for reading.
PerSe
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
Posts: 1,007
Unfortunately, the doomed attempts at moderation only seem to add another layer of stress to an already out of control situation.
What starts out as the alcoholic wanting to only drink 2 drinks a night quickly becomes them wanting to look like they're only drinking 2 drinks a night. Next thing you know you're finding empty bottles in the garage rafters.
Looking back, I think I would have handled that stage differently. I would have kept my opinion of my XAH's attempts at moderation to myself. (I suspect most addicts need to go through that stage.) Instead of attempting to keep track of his drinks I would have worked on sorting out and firming up my boundaries. And, of course, Alanon. That would have helped a lot in those early days.
I think you're on the right track, PerSe.
What starts out as the alcoholic wanting to only drink 2 drinks a night quickly becomes them wanting to look like they're only drinking 2 drinks a night. Next thing you know you're finding empty bottles in the garage rafters.
Looking back, I think I would have handled that stage differently. I would have kept my opinion of my XAH's attempts at moderation to myself. (I suspect most addicts need to go through that stage.) Instead of attempting to keep track of his drinks I would have worked on sorting out and firming up my boundaries. And, of course, Alanon. That would have helped a lot in those early days.
I think you're on the right track, PerSe.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: The Northland
Posts: 600
PerSe, I've been navigating these waters for 30 years, sometimes floating, sometimes feeling the waves are over my head. Stay strong and courageous. I wouldn't wish this way of living on anyone. Sorry, having a rough weekend with my AH.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
addictions really strip the life from everyone around them
wish I had noticed this scourge when I was just a young one
Best wishes for your continued strength. Don't beat yourself up when boundaries are ignored ... just keep going forward, the treadmill doesn't stop until you decide.
wish I had noticed this scourge when I was just a young one
Best wishes for your continued strength. Don't beat yourself up when boundaries are ignored ... just keep going forward, the treadmill doesn't stop until you decide.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
Speaking as a former drinker, if he is alcoholic, he won't be able to do it.
He will start hiding how much he is actually drinking and make you think you are crazy
for being upset on how loaded he is / acts even though he will swear he's only had two.
Just prolongs the suffering.
I think Alanon is a good idea and start working on plan B.
Hugs
He will start hiding how much he is actually drinking and make you think you are crazy
for being upset on how loaded he is / acts even though he will swear he's only had two.
Just prolongs the suffering.
I think Alanon is a good idea and start working on plan B.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 53
Perse - I went through this for 4 years...until I finally laid out a firm boundary. Gave him 2 weeks to either check into a treatment program or move out of the house. If he did neither one of these things, then I was going to place him in a long-term hotel, pre-paid for 2 weeks. He did check into treatment and has been sober for over a year now.
Through the years, RAH did become an secret drinker. Well, he was always a secret drinker and an open 'social' drinker. Never had more than 2 in public but the half a bottle he drank in secret was the killer. RAH was good at hiding the empties, so I didn't find a lot around. The secret drinking worsened as time went on until I finally figured out what exactly was going on.
I wish I had been more firm years ago when things seemed a little out of whack. It would have saved a whole lot of pain.
The sobriety hasn't changed much for us as a married couple, that happens but we have a lot more to go through than just getting sober.
Blue
Through the years, RAH did become an secret drinker. Well, he was always a secret drinker and an open 'social' drinker. Never had more than 2 in public but the half a bottle he drank in secret was the killer. RAH was good at hiding the empties, so I didn't find a lot around. The secret drinking worsened as time went on until I finally figured out what exactly was going on.
I wish I had been more firm years ago when things seemed a little out of whack. It would have saved a whole lot of pain.
The sobriety hasn't changed much for us as a married couple, that happens but we have a lot more to go through than just getting sober.
Blue
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Saying to my husband "you are an alcoholic and you need help" seemed to be an opening in awareness and our communication. Now it seems an illusion and a phase of this family disease of alcoholism.
He eventually went to two different rehabs. He has again been in active addiction for over a year.
Once I was able to say, "I have a problem with someone else's drinking."and later "I have been affected by having addiction in my life.", is when I found help for me and really start healing.
Why does your husband need to quit drinking? For his job, his health, your marriage? To make you feel better? I used to feel all those things were very important. Now I realize that sobriety, and more important, recovery, is an inside job that requires willingness and long-term support of others who've been through this.
My husband had two life-flights and I thought this was a life or death battle against alcohol I had to fight because he couldn't.
I can't fight it for him. I now can accept him fully as he is today and allow him the respect and compassion to life his life and make his own choices. I'm letting go of judgements of how he's doing.
It's a very counterintuitive disease. The more I try to get through to my husband, the more his disease has dug in and worked other tactics.
The more I work my own recovery and lovingly detach, he starts having to deal with himself. He may or may not recover. His life is not on my timeline.
My recovery is going well. I do laugh more. I'm finding joy and love in life. I'm healing on many different levels. I'm finding it's okay to heal at my own pace, in my time, and am able to give that respect to others as well. There are things that are urgent, but not important. There are things that are important, but not urgent. One day at a time, I'm learning how to deal with them.
Willingness inside myself is all that's been required.
Whatever routes you and your husband take are okay. It's also okay not to have answers. You'll find them along the way, maybe in some unexpected places.
He eventually went to two different rehabs. He has again been in active addiction for over a year.
Once I was able to say, "I have a problem with someone else's drinking."and later "I have been affected by having addiction in my life.", is when I found help for me and really start healing.
Why does your husband need to quit drinking? For his job, his health, your marriage? To make you feel better? I used to feel all those things were very important. Now I realize that sobriety, and more important, recovery, is an inside job that requires willingness and long-term support of others who've been through this.
My husband had two life-flights and I thought this was a life or death battle against alcohol I had to fight because he couldn't.
I can't fight it for him. I now can accept him fully as he is today and allow him the respect and compassion to life his life and make his own choices. I'm letting go of judgements of how he's doing.
It's a very counterintuitive disease. The more I try to get through to my husband, the more his disease has dug in and worked other tactics.
The more I work my own recovery and lovingly detach, he starts having to deal with himself. He may or may not recover. His life is not on my timeline.
My recovery is going well. I do laugh more. I'm finding joy and love in life. I'm healing on many different levels. I'm finding it's okay to heal at my own pace, in my time, and am able to give that respect to others as well. There are things that are urgent, but not important. There are things that are important, but not urgent. One day at a time, I'm learning how to deal with them.
Willingness inside myself is all that's been required.
Whatever routes you and your husband take are okay. It's also okay not to have answers. You'll find them along the way, maybe in some unexpected places.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
"I will set a 2 drink limit for myself."
was that hourly? before work? on certain days of the week?
my point is alcoholics can RATIONALIZE anything. as a binge drinking alcoholic he is likely to fail at this attempt to moderate. because in the mind of the alcoholic two drinks is a pointless waste of time and booze.
you stated your reality. now you get to observe HIS reality. stay strong. see what you see. believe what you know to be true.
was that hourly? before work? on certain days of the week?
my point is alcoholics can RATIONALIZE anything. as a binge drinking alcoholic he is likely to fail at this attempt to moderate. because in the mind of the alcoholic two drinks is a pointless waste of time and booze.
you stated your reality. now you get to observe HIS reality. stay strong. see what you see. believe what you know to be true.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
It's good that you accept that your husband is an alcoholic but don't expect him to change because you've said something. If he wants to stop drinking and gets help he'll do it, but that may never happen. Have you considered Alanon? It saved my sanity and helped me get the life I always wanted.
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